A/N : This fic is a bit of a rollercoaster for your emotions, huh? Well the end is near...and I did say near, not here! Another chapter and an epilogue after this, which I should have ready to post in a few days. As soon as I've posted that the poll at my site will close since I'll be starting serious work on a new fic. At the moment it's looking like Life's Full Of Surprises will get written next. You wanted something different? Go vote! lol. I was gonna say hope you like this new chapter, but maybe 'like' is the wrong word...oh well, review please! And thanks to SweetBitter, Leanne8582, SpIkEs AnGeL, Haras, SouthernRain, aphelant for the reviews and the birthday wishes :-)

(For disclaimer, etc. - see chapter 1)

Chapter 23 - So Close & Yet So Far

I've been trying to work it all out in my mind, how I'm ever supposed to cope with Spike not remembering all that has happened between us. I keep thinking this must all just be a nightmare and soon I'll wake up in my bed with his arms around me, just like it was three days ago, but no nightmare could ever hurt like this. Only reality could be so cruel. I've been avoiding him, and I know he probably doesn't even notice. I've made every excuse I can think of not to go back into that room since I ran out hours ago. I don't know whether I want him to miss that I'm not there or not. I just wish I knew what was going on in his head right now...

Spike was confused. When he'd woken and seen Buffy sitting beside him he was a little bewildered and things only got worse when she told him he'd been in an accident and was now in hospital. The worst part though was when she ran from the room, apparently in tears, and for reasons he could not figure out at all.

Not long after that, a doctor had come to see him, and his father and Willow and Joyce soon followed. Dr Harman explained, after a few questions and tests, that it seemed he was suffering from slight memory loss.

"So, how much have I lost?" he'd asked and the whole family awaited the doctors response.

"About two weeks or so it would seem from the date you gave me of your last memory" he explained, "but it's completely possible that it'll all come back to you given time"

"How much time?" Willow frowned, all the time she'd spent getting to know her brother and he couldn't remember the majority of it, she really wanted him to and as soon as possible.

"It's hard to say" Dr Harman sighed, "Sometimes patients have woken up one morning and all the memories are just back, sometimes simple things can spark off a memory and over a period of time it all comes back, on occasion a second blow to the head has immediately returned all the lost information, though naturally we don't advise you go banging your head on a wall just based on that theory" he smiled at Spike who rolled his eyes. As if he would be that stupid!

A few moments later, the doctor had left the room and Spike had been hugged three times over by his father, sister and step-mother, being constantly told how worried they'd been about him and how glad they were that he was awake again. There was just a brief mention of his memory-loss, it seemed to Spike that it was trying to be ignored though he couldn't understand why. His father in particular seemed very reluctant to give him any information about the time he'd lost from his mind.

Spike lay alone in his room now, staring at the ceiling, desperately trying to figure out what could be so bad that he couldn't be told about it. At the same time he wondered about Buffy. When he'd woken up and she'd been there, she seemed so happy to have him awake and everything, but the fact he'd lost his memory seemed to bother her much more than it did the others. Also, she hadn't been to see him since and no-one even seemed to mention her.

Something had clearly happened in the past two weeks that involved himself and her, something they were not telling him but no matter how hard he tried he just could not access the information.

'Let's start from the beginning' he told himself, replaying in his mind all the events he remembered since he arrived in the good old US of A. He'd arrived at LAX, bussed it to Sunnydale and walked down to Revello Drive. He'd met Willow and a disturbingly drunk but devastatingly attractive Buffy, then there'd been his father and Joyce and a very serious chat following the initial reunion.

Spike had crashed on the sofa for the night and then spent the next day getting to know his sister and Buffy, who he had immediately realised could not be a sister to him. He liked her too much and definitely not in a brother-sister affection kind of a way.

That night when she'd come into the room, barely dressed since she'd got straight out of bed, to come and find a book from the cabinet, he felt a little weird about the way she made him feel. He had been brought up away from his father but his grandparents had always talked of Willow and Buffy both as his sisters.

All thoughts of her being his sibling had flown out the window when he first saw her, and that night when she'd crept into the room, her half-naked self not so far from his, he knew then this was something else. He wanted her, physically, romantically, in every way he just wanted to be closer to her.

It was so strange to think that they might have gotten closer these past two weeks and that he wouldn't even know, but with her avoiding him the way she had been he suspected that perhaps they were the opposite of good friends, she couldn't like him all that much after all, but he'd thought that she had before...

"Hey" a voice said from the door and Spike realised Willow was back in the room.

"Hey yourself" he smiled as she came forward and sat down beside his bed.

"How's the head?" she asked and he shrugged as he told her everything was more or less the same. He wasn't in a lot of pain, but he was being driven crazy by the not knowing.

"Can't you tell me what's been going on for the past few days?" he begged his sister, "I know the doctors have this stupid idea about letting me remember on my own, but the least you can do is give me a few clues" he implored her.

Willow shifted uncomfortably. When the doctor had said it would be best to let Spike try and regain his memory alone, the family had agreed. Buffy was devastated and Willow knew it was so hard for her, but it wasn't her decision to make.

"What kind of clues did you want?" the red-head asked her brother, avoiding answering immediately.

"I dunno" he sighed, "Have we been anywhere special that I might remember? Have I met anyone that I should remember?"

"Er, well...you met my friends" she told him with a smile, glad she'd found something else to focus on for a while, "My boyfriend Oz, and also Xander and Cordy and Buffy's boyfriend Riley, although that should be ex-boyfriend now" she amended without thinking.

"I remember him" Spike realised "that was the last day I do remember...he's her ex now?" he asked with a frown, "What happened?"

"Oh, it's a long story" Willow half-lied, hating herself for having to do so, "and she'll be okay, she's just a little upset is all"

"Is that why she hasn't been in here to see me?" he asked with a frown, studying his sisters expression, "Cos she's so upset over some bloke?"

"Yeah" Willow said honestly, "She's very upset over 'some bloke'"

* * * * *

"He asked about you" Willow told her sister when she came out of Spike's room.

Buffy looked like she might burst into tears all over again.

"But is he okay?" she asked nervously and Willow nodded slowly.

"Medical wise he's going to be fine" she assured the blonde as she sat down beside her, "Apart from losing two weeks of memory he's not in pain or anything but..."

"But?" Buffy frowned a slight panic in her voice.

"He knows somethings up Buff" she told him, "He knows there's something I'm not telling him and I think he knows it has something to do with you"

"But how can he know?" Buffy shook her head as she stood and peered through the perspex screen at her step-brother turned lover.

"Maybe if you went in and talked to him it wouldn't seem so suspicious" Willow tried, knowing this was a hard situation for her sister, but also knowing her brother was getting really frustrated by the whole thing. It was a huge mess that the red-head wished she could help to solve, but she couldn't.

After Spike woke up she'd immediately called Oz and he'd been so great, offering to come to the hospital to be with her. She declined but really appreciated the offer and they shared I love you's before hanging up. Willow wanted that for Buffy and Spike, a perfect relationship where all that matters is how much you love each other, but with her brother not even remembering how much he loved Buffy, could there be a happy ending? Willow crossed her fingers as her best friend, and the girl she would always see as her sister, took a deep breath and went into Spike's room.

"Hi" the blonde said nervously from the doorway and Spike smiled widely when he saw her there.

"Hello, luv" he replied as she came across the room to sit by him, much as Willow had done. Being so close to him, not able to be how she wanted to be with him was killing her, but she'd promised the doctors, just as the rest of the family had, that she wouldn't tell Spike about the memories he'd lost.

"How're you feeling?" she asked him, trying not to look him in the eye. The intensity and blue-ness of them would be the undoing of her, she was sure.

"Not so bad" he told her, still wishing he knew why she was being so weird around him, "Doctor tells me I should be able to come home tomorrow"

"That's great" Buffy smiled, though her heart wasn't in it. It was bad enough dealing with all this at the hospital, when they got home it would only get worse, trying to sleep knowing he was in the next room, trying to exist with him in such close proximity and not able to say a word about all that had happened between them.

"You okay, pet?" Spike frowned, reaching for her hand, not knowing what he was doing to her by being so friendly. Still she allowed him to hold her hand and she forced a smile onto her lips.

"Just a little tired, and worried about you is all" she half-lied, but he seemed to accept her answer for now at least. Buffy knew deep inside her that she'd never be able to keep this up once Spike came home. Sooner or later the truth was going to come out and given his lack of memory, that was both a wonderful and yet a terryifing thing.

I keep thinking maybe I should just come out and say it. I know it's breaking a promise but when he took hold of my hand and he looked at me that way, it was just like that morning when we woke up together. It's like he loves me the way he did before and I really want to tell him I love him too, but that would take explanation of the past two weeks and I did say that I wouldn't do that. I only hope that coming home will jog Spike's memory so that all this pain can be over and we can be together. If he never remembers, as the doctors said might be possible, I don't know how I'm going to survive this...

To Be Continued...