Disclaimer: I do not own these characters
Setting: Friday, December 26, 2003
Chapter 7: Letting Go
Dana sighed, feeling exasperated. How could she convince Lu that what had happened was not her fault?
"Lu, listen to me for a minute. None of this was your fault. The only person responsible is the woman who pulled the trigger on the gun. You did what you could to get her the help she needed."
"Mickey was a fire fighter," Lu began, as if she hadn't heard what Dana had said. "Every day he risked his life to save others. I knew there would always be a chance that he could lose his life in the line of duty. A few months before he died, his station was called to assist at a mall. The mall collapsed. Our ER was filled with fire fighters, but noone knew where Mickey was. For over 24 hours I didn't know where he was. I was scared, Dana. His best friend Joey was killed that day." Lu paused to take a breath, then continued. "Two days ago Joey's wife came to the clinic. She brought me this." Lu reached into her jeans pocket and pulled out the ring, handing it to Dana.
"I don't understand," Dana said, a perplexed expression on her face as she stared at the beautiful ring.
Lu took a deep breath, then spoke with a trembling voice. "Mickey had given this to Joey to keep for him. Anna found it a few days ago when she was going through his things. He...he had this letter with it." Lu reached into her back pocket and pulled out the neatly folded piece of paper and handed it to Dana. Dana kept her eyes on Lu as she slowly opened the letter. As she read, one line from the letter seemed to jump off the page at her. "Lu, I want to spend the rest of my life with you, no matter how long or how little that may be." As Dana finished reading, she felt the tears well up in her own eyes.
"This is beautiful, Lu." Dana handed the letter back to her. Lu was silent for a moment as she read the letter again.
"He was going to ask me to marry him. I...I would have said yes. How could he just leave me like that? The letter makes it sound like he wasn't planning to be around long." Lu said softly.
"Lu, he didn't mean that at all and you know it. He loved you. I've never even met him, but I can tell how much he loved you just by reading this letter. And by giving his life to save yours just proves it. Can't you see that?" Dana asked, wondering if anything she was saying was actually getting through to Lu. Lu stood there silently, staring off into the distance. When she didn't say anything, Dana continued, hoping to get some sort of response from Lu.
"Lu, if Mickey hadn't done what he did, he wouldn't have been able to live with himself, knowing he could have saved your life and didn't. His life as a fire fighter showed that saving people was what he was all about. Every day he risked his own life to save strangers. It was a natural thing for him to do, to do whatever he had to do to protect someone he loved as much as he loved you. He saw the danger and immediately followed his heart. He didn't take time to try to decide what to do. Lu, that man loved you. Nick told me that. And I can read it in this letter." Dana paused and took a deep breath. Lu continued to stare off into the distance, but Dana noticed the tears streaming down her cheeks. Dana gently touched Lu's shoulder.
"Lu, can I ask you a question?" Lu nodded.
"Yeah." Dana hesitated, then spoke softly.
"Lu, did you love Mickey?" Lu turned to face Dana, surprised at her question.
"What do you think?" Lu asked, her tone slightly irritated.
"I think you loved him very much, as much as he loved you. That's why you are hurting so badly. And I think you have built a wall of guilt around yourself, a wall noone else can break through."
"Dana, I can't help the way I feel. How else am I supposed to feel? My mentally unstable patient killed him. She wanted to kill me. She intended that bullet for me. And it should have been me. Do you think I can just forget that? Do you think I can just forget that he died because of me? Well, I can't, Dana. I will never forgot that night."
"Of course you'll never forget that night, Lu. And noone expects you to." Dana said. "I can only imagine how you felt that night." Lu nodded. That horrible night was forever etched in her mind.
"Lu, have you visited the cemetery at all since the funeral?" Dana questioned. Lu glanced at Dana.
"What for? Why would I sit there and talk to someone who can't even hear me?" Lu replied.
"I've heard people say that visiting a loved one at the cemetery often brings closure." Lu grunted.
"I don't think so, Dana. All it will do is bring back the memories. It won't bring Mickey back." Lu turned away from Dana, again staring off into the distance. Dana watched her in silence for a moment.
"Lu, Mickey loved you so much that he sacrificed his own life to save yours. Now maybe you can do something for him." Dana said softly.
"What are you talking about?" Lu asked after a few seconds.
"Maybe it's time to let go of the guilt. For Mickey. I'm pretty sure he wouldn't want you to feel guilty the way you do." Lu was thoughtful for a moment. She knew Dana was right. Mickey would not want her to be hurting like this, nor would he want her to blame herself for his death.
"How?" Lu whispered as she turned to look at Dana once again, fresh tears streaming down her cheeks.
"I've heard that some people write letters to get rid of their guilt feelings. Some people visit the cemetery and talk to the person they are mourning." Dana paused as she suddenly remembered something Marc had told her a couple of years earlier.
"Lu, do you remember what you told Marc when he blamed himself that you had been raped? You told him that there are things in life that we have control over, and there are things in life that we have no control over. And this is something that you had no control over. Neither did Mickey. Lu, it's been 6 months. It's time to start letting go. It's a long process, I know. But little by little, you will start to heal. You will always remember what happened that night, but as times goes on, you will begin to focus more on the good times you had. And you have this ring that will always remind you of a very special man in your life, a man that loved you so much, he didn't hesitate when he had to chose between his own life and yours. Lu, let go of the guilt and keep his love in your heart. Don't let go of the love you have for him." Lu took a deep breath as she thought about what Dana had said. Slowly, she realized that Dana was right. After 6 long months, it was time to finally start letting go of the guilt, and allow herself to start the healing process.
"We'd better go inside," Dana said. "You're freezing. And the girls will be up soon." Lu nodded. As Dana started to walk away, Lu reached out and touched her arm.
"Dana, wait." Dana stopped, turning to face Lu. Lu bit her lip, then spoke slowly.
"Thank you." Lu hesitated briefly, then reached over and gave Dana a hug. Surprised, Dana returned the hug. Hugging had never been a part of their friendship. Even their 3 year partnership in the clinic had ended with nothing more than a hand shake.
"You're welcome, Lu. And please don't shut everyone out. They want to help you."
"I know." Lu answered softly. "I...I think I am ready to let go now." Without another word, the two women went back into the house, out of the cold Philadelphia morning.
