8. The Kiss
Severus became accustomed to the geas, as he had to his death and subsequent confinement. He was dead and he was trapped in the Shrieking Shack, and there was nothing that he could do to change that. If it were not for Nicholas and Joseph's visits though, Severus doubted he would have been able to retain any degree of sanity. The two other ghosts did their best to distract Severus, both vowing that they would do all they could to find a way for Severus to escape both the geas and his prison.
Harry Potter's visits were an even more effective distraction from Severus' current predicament. Harry came to the shack on average three times a week. He would spend most of his weekends in the dirty front room of the Shack, on the floor with Severus, his textbooks spread about him. During the week he would sometimes appear late in the evening, dressed in his Quidditch gear and still sweaty from practice, and they would just sit there as he idly talked about the latest match and team issues.
The closest that Harry came to admitting that things were wrong and life was not great was a brief mention that he was not allowed off Hogwarts' grounds to visit Hogsmeade on the weekends, and that he did not want to spend his Saturdays trapped in the castle with only the first and second years. This of course did not explain the fact that Harry spent his Sundays in the Shack with Severus as well.
Conversation between them was light or study related. The geas prevented Severus from mentioning his death or Black, and Harry seemed unwilling to talk about whatever was on his mind. He talked about his best friends, Ron and Hermione, but did not mention why he apparently no longer felt able to spend time or talk with them. Severus didn't want to ask for fear of driving Harry away. That first time Harry had visited he had mentioned that he wanted to get away from people, wanted to be alone and not have to deal with questions of how he was doing and whether he was all right, and so Severus did not ask, only listened.
It did not stop Severus from wondering though. If Ron and Hermione were such good friends, why would they let Harry hide from them like this? What had they done that he could no longer trust them? Why did Dumbledore allow Harry to just disappear like this? Harry had said that he had to warn Lupin whenever he went to the Shack. Severus wondered whether Ron and Hermione knew where Harry went, wondered what Lupin thought of Harry spending so much time with Severus. And what about Black? Did Black know that Harry used his invisibility cloak to slip across the grounds and then make his way through the passage from the Whomping Willow?
He got a few answers from Nicholas. The staff and Harry's friends had been informed that he was spending that time training, in secret, and that they were not to interfere or follow Harry. Severus did not understand this lie, and given that Voldemort and his Death Eaters were once more on the loose, he would expect that Dumbledore would indeed want to use this time to train Harry. Instead, Harry spent his weekends doing homework with Severus, and talking about nothing important at all.
Nicholas told him that Dumbledore seemed to be avoiding Harry. Severus hoped it was because Harry had become angry with the headmaster, hoped that it was because of him, because of what Black had done. However, Harry never mentioned Dumbledore, and in the end, it didn't make any difference to Severus' situation. He was just grateful that Harry was allowed to visit and did so.
Nicholas also said he did not believe Black was aware of this arrangement. Black was away on business for the Order, and he sent Harry letters weekly. They would arrive during breakfast, the owls often carrying a package for Harry as well.
"He never opens the letters at the table, or the packages. Yesterday morning, his friend Weasley, the boy, kept urging him to show to him what Black had sent him, and the third time he asked Harry sprung up and shouted that it was none of anybody's business and to just leave him alone," Nicholas said one evening, three weeks into term. "He stormed out of the hall and turned up late for class, costing Gryffindor five points. He sent the package back with a note, but it just arrived again this morning. Turned out it was the latest Nimbus. All four Weasleys and the rest of the Gryffindor Quidditch team dragged him out onto the pitch for the evening, so that they could all have a go. I doubt he'll have time to visit you tonight."
Nicholas paused and looked gravely at Severus.
"Something is not right with young Harry, and they all – his teachers, his friends, the headmaster – seem blind to it."
Severus had agreed, but there was no way he could ask Harry. He didn't want to drive Harry away, and if that 'something not right' had anything to do with Black, the geas prevented Severus from asking Harry about it anyway.
So they spent their time doing Harry's homework and talking about inconsequential things. Reading the student textbooks and helping Harry with his assignments brought back long lost memories of Severus' time before his death. Severus was surprised by how much of it he still remembered and frustrated by the fact that he could never learn again. At least, not while he was trapped here in the Shrieking Shack. He was a ghost, and thus unable to affect the physical world. He couldn't even turn the page of a book, for Merlin's sake.
Harry found a solution to that problem, however. He discovered a charm that, cast upon a book, made it turn its own pages when commanded to do so. The charm worked for wizards, squibs, Muggles, and apparently ghosts alike. It didn't work on every book, though, as magical tomes often have a will of their own, but Harry managed to charm most of his school texts, and a number of library books that he had somehow convinced Madam Pince to let him take out of the library. At Severus' request, Harry brought him mostly Potions texts, and he was reminded of how much he had loved to brew and experiment.
Hogwarts' current Potions master was apparently some brainless twit who taught his students the difference between monkshood and wolfsbane, and ended up having to send on average ten students a week to Madam Pomfrey for healing. It was a wonder any students kept studying Potions after their OWLs, but Harry had explained the Ministry required NEWT level Potions to enter Auror training. Severus did his best to show Harry the beauty of potions, as much as he could from dry text alone, and he did manage to spark some interest in the boy. Harry's grades went up, and after he finished the assignments for his other classes, Harry would often join Severus in reading whatever tome he had managed to beg from Madam Pince, discussing the text with the ghost.
It was all theory though, and there was no hope that Severus would ever be able to brew a potion again. Severus didn't know if ghosts were even capable of performing magic. None of Hogwarts' ghosts had been wizards during their lifetime, and all Severus' attempts had been fruitless. Perhaps if he had a wand it would be different. But Severus had no idea where his wand was, and even if he did, how could he hold it? The most Severus could achieve was to cause gooseflesh.
It was sweet torment to read the Potions texts with Harry, to show him the proper wand movements for a shielding spell, and know that he would never again brew a potion or cast a spell.
When Nicholas found out about the books Harry left with Severus, and the charms he had rigged up so that Severus could read them, he tried to convince Severus to involve Harry in their search for a way to undo the geas and help him escape the Shack. Severus remained reluctant. On the one hand, he did realise that if Harry helped them they would have a much better chance at success, but at the same time, Severus did not want to burden Harry with his own troubles. Even if Harry was determined to not speak of them and pretend that life was just dandy, it was obvious that this was not the case. Besides, Severus did not dare risk Harry getting in trouble with Dumbledore, or the headmaster forbidding his visits.
As Hallowe'en neared and then passed, Harry's mood and behaviour became more erratic, which only strengthened Severus' resolve not to bother Harry. Some visits Harry would be cheerful and chatter about everything and nothing, then suddenly he would elapse into a sullen silence that Severus did not dare disturb. A lot of the time, he seemed distracted and nervous. He began asking strange questions, finally also remarking on the dark things that troubled him.
He mentioned that Dumbledore was avoiding him, and whenever they did cross paths, the headmaster would not look him in the eye. Harry told Severus about the disturbing dreams he had, when it seemed as if he were looking through Voldemort's eyes. He could never remember them for long, except for a strong and lingering feeling of dread that Voldemort was planning something. When he spoke, Harry stared down at whatever he was supposed to be reading or writing. He spoke quickly and nervously, mumbling the words to himself, and Severus did not dare interrupt nor do anything other than listen to the other boy.
However, one weekday evening near the end of November, Harry looked up from the Transfiguration essay he was working on, and broke the silent pact they had had not to talk about Black. Until then Harry's rambling confessions and worries had not once touched on anything that might lead to talk of his godfather.
"Severus." Harry bit his lip, but for once did not look away. He hesitated a moment longer before continuing. "Can you talk about Sirius at all?"
Severus hesitated then nodded. "Yes, I think so. Just not –"
And the geas seemed to cut off Severus' air supply, which was ridiculous because he was a ghost and didn't breathe. The rage and despair clawed inside him, unable to get out.
Harry was looking down at the half-empty parchment in front of him again, idly twirling his quill.
"You went to school with him and my parents, my father and Remus and... Pettigrew. Do you – Can you remember – Were Sirius and my father involved with each other?"
Severus stared at Harry, who was once again avoiding his gaze. He knew what Harry meant by Sirius and James being 'involved with each other', but why Harry would ask such a question was beyond him.
"Um. I don't think so, or at least not when I was still alive. They were very close, best friends, with Lupin and Pettigrew tagging along, but... I don't know. I think Sirius had a crush on one of the Gryffindor girls, or at least, the girls were always following the two of them around. You could ask Lupin."
Harry's knuckles turned white around his quill for a moment at that last remark, and Severus' voice trailed off. "Why do you ask?"
Harry was silent, then shrugged and flipped through the pages of his Transfiguration text. "Can you explain the reptile-mammal sequence to me again?"
Severus' fears were only aggravated by the story Nicholas had to tell later that night about what had happened in Gryffindor before Harry came to the Shrieking Shack.
"I was conversing with Violet after dinner when McGonagall stopped by to take the names of those who plan to stay on over the Christmas break. I followed her into the common room: it is always good to know which of the little ones will be staying so I can keep an eye on them, keep them company. About four of the students signed up, three first years and one of the seventh.
"Then young Harry came down from his dorm and tried to sign up as well."
Nicholas paused at this apparently ominous event before continuing.
"Harry has so far always spent Christmas at Hogwarts, rather than going back to those horrid Muggles. But Black is his guardian now, and I had overheard Dumbledore and Lupin saying that he would be given leave from his tasks for the Order to spend the holiday with Harry at Grimmauld Place. Harry knew this. McGonagall pointed it out, but he still said he would rather stay at Hogwarts.
"By then the Weasley boy and Miss Granger, who had been sitting in a corner, joined them and asked why Harry did not want to spend the holiday with Black, and said that they'd heard there was going to be a grand feast on Christmas Eve with all the Weasleys and the Order. He became very agitated, and stormed away up the stairs to his dorm. Weasley followed him, and I heard angry voices until he came back down with his book bag and that cloak of his and left. Harry came here?"
Severus nodded.
Harry didn't mention Black again, and seemed to focus entirely on his homework and Severus' Potions studies. Two weeks before the end of term, however, Harry pushed his last History of Magic essay away and sat back in the raggedy old couch he had transfigured from his satchel. The first couple of times the transfiguration hadn't lasted, and the couch had reverted back all of a sudden. They had laughed, and now, after those first tries, the charm could hold for nearly an entire day.
Harry pushed off his shoes as he lay flat out on the couch, feet dangling off one end as he idly twirled his wand in his hand.
"What's it like being dead? Being a ghost?" Harry asked, then turned his face to Severus with an apologetic smile. "I'm sorry, you don't have to answer if you don't want to. Or if you can't?"
Severus felt nervous and uneasy, feeling the very edge of the geas asserting itself.
"It's –" Severus paused and tried to think of what it felt like to be a ghost, to be dead. Frustrating, that certainly, but was that just because of his situation? Would he be more at peace with his limitations if he were free to roam Hogwarts like the other ghosts? "It's –" Severus tried to put the feeling of detachment to words, the loss of urgency that certain things had held when he was still alive. But had they not merely obliterated by the fact that he had been wronged in death and after? "It's –" Severus struggled.
"It's all right, sorry," Harry said, and he shifted onto his side, dangling one hand to the floor and trailing his fingertips through the dust.
Severus watched the other boy. While he supposed it wasn't an extremely strange question to ask, Severus didn't think he liked Harry's sudden interest in death. And it would seem that Harry wasn't through with his questions yet.
"Can I ask you, and I know it's very personal and you don't have to answer. What do you miss most, what do you regret missing most now that you're a ghost?"
It was a cruel question, but Severus knew Harry didn't mean it that way. These past few months with Harry had served to remind Severus of the things he had missed out on and would never experience again, although he wouldn't have given up the time spent with Harry for anything.
"I miss Potions," Severus answered, moving his fingers through the pages of the tome in front of him. "I miss being able to brew them, miss experimenting, miss casting spells and hexing –" The geas choked off Severus' reply and he changed subject.
"I miss drinking pumpkin juice, and those little chocolate tarts the house elves occasionally make for desert." Harry chuckled and Severus smiled in response before continuing. "I regret that I'll never have sex," Severus said, laughing, although upon reflection it wasn't funny at all. "I've never even kissed," he added in a whisper, no longer smiling.
Harry was still looking at him, a contemplative look on his face. "I've never kissed either," he confided in a similar whisper, and there was something about the way Harry was looking at him that made Severus feel jittery. He couldn't help noticing the way Harry's hair was mussed up, as usual, and that his robes were rumpled. His fingers were dirty and dusty, and his glasses seemed to make his green eyes even larger.
"Perhaps," Harry said, and he pushed himself upright. "Perhaps we can kiss each other?"
Severus watched dumbfounded as Harry slid off the couch and then crawled over the floor to where Severus was sitting. There was a shy smile on Harry's lips, and when he reached Severus, he pushed his glasses up a bit. "Can I kiss you, Severus?"
"I'm a ghost, you can't even touch me. How are we supposed to kiss?"
"Well, we can at least try. I'd like to. If you want to, that is."
Severus looked away nervously. Harry was so close he imagined he could feel the other boy's life force, but that was probably just his imagination. Kiss Harry?
"Yes."
Harry leaned forward, lips slightly puckered, and Severus kept very still. When their lips touched, or would have, he felt a spark of warmth. It was a little like those few times he'd tried to touch a living person, Dumbledore, Black, Harry, but more so. Harry moved slightly, and their lips were no longer touching, instead they shared the same space. Severus closed his eyes.
He could feel Harry parting his lips slightly. For a moment, Severus thought he would be sucked in with Harry's breath, but then Harry was sighing into his mouth, sighing into Severus, and it was the closest he had come to feeling as if he had cast a charm or hex since his death. Severus opened his eyes again, and he was startled to see how much Harry's pupils had dilated, leaving only a thin sliver of green. He quickly backed away, ending the kiss.
Harry actually swayed forward, trying to follow Severus. He caught himself with one hand on the floor and blinked furiously. Severus could see that Harry's lips were tinged blue and perspiration was forming on his brow and temples.
"Are you all right?" His hand passed through Harry's shoulder, and Severus yanked it away again, realising that that kind of contact would hardly help Harry. He was already cursing himself, what had he been thinking?
"Severus. Severus, it's all right, I'm okay."
Harry moved his right hand into the same space Severus' occupied, the closest they would ever get to holding hands. "I'm all right. It was just... a bit of a rush I guess." He smiled reassuringly and Severus nodded slowly.
"You're sure?"
Harry smiled, opened and closed his hand, as if squeezing Severus'. "I'm sure." He glanced away, biting his lip.
"Did you like it?"
Did he like it? His first kiss, and it had been with Harry. Even if he hadn't been able to touch the other boy properly, it had still felt like magic.
"Yes," he whispered in reply.
Harry smiled again. "Good."
For a while, they just sat there together in silence, which for the first time since Harry had come to the Shack to see Severus felt awkward and uncomfortable. Severus wanted to ask whether Harry had enjoyed the kiss, but didn't dare. He thought Harry had. He wanted to ask whether they could do it again.
Harry coughed and pulled his hand away, all of a sudden filled with action as he quickly gathered his books and parchments. He changed the couch back into a satchel with a flick of his wand and stuffed his belongings inside. "It's getting late, and I should go back now."
Severus straightened up, nodding in response. He watched as Harry slung his bag over one shoulder and then pulled the trapdoor open. "I'll see you soon."
"Yes. Bye."
But Harry was already gone again, the trapdoor falling back in its place.
*~*
Severus didn't know what to think about what they'd done, or Harry's sudden and hasty retreat. He was on edge and distracted when Nicholas appeared some hours later. He knew that Nicholas had noticed that something was wrong, but Severus didn't want to talk about it, and the other ghost took the hint.
However, the rest of the week passed, and Harry did not come to see him again. It was late Sunday evening, and still there was no sign of Harry. As every hour passed Severus became more and more agitated, and by the time Nicholas came to visit on Monday – the last Monday before the Christmas holidays – Severus was a near wreck and couldn't keep it a secret any longer.
"I kissed Harry last Wednesday. Is he all right? Have you seen him? His lips turned blue. He started to sweat, and I think he was shaking: did I hurt him? Is it harmful for us to touch the living that way, for so long?"
Nicholas put his hand on Severus' shoulder and gave a quick reassuring squeeze. "I saw Harry just today. I don't know why he hasn't been to see you. As for kissing him," the other ghost hesitated. "He's all right, I don't think you can harm him physically. But it's not good for the two of you to get involved like this, it can't go anywhere. No, listen to me, Severus."
Severus had pushed away Nicholas' hand and retreated to a corner of the room.
"Severus, you are a ghost and Harry is alive. A friendship is all good and well, but you can't –"
"I can't do a lot of things," Severus snapped, but then he gentled his expression and looked at Nicholas apologetically. "It doesn't matter anyway; he's obviously changed his mind and isn't coming back."
He could hear Nicholas sigh. The Gryffindor ghost stood behind him, resting his hands on Severus' shoulders.
"I'll speak to Harry."
"No!" Severus whirled around. "No, don't. If Harry no longer wants to see me or come here, that's his decision. It's all right."
Nicholas frowned. "Very well." He paused, then changed the subject. "I have spoken to Peeves, and I think he might be willing and able to help us get those books from the library."
*~*
However, Harry did return. After Severus had given up hope, and no longer saw any point in cursing himself for kissing Harry, for obviously upsetting and scaring away one of the only three friends he had.
It was late Friday afternoon, and Nicholas had told Severus that Lupin would be taking Harry with him to Grimmauld Place early in the evening. Dumbledore would be leaving the school later in the evening, and was not expected to return until after Christmas. This would hopefully give Severus, Nicholas and Joseph more freedom to try and find a way to break the spells binding Severus. With Harry's desertion, Severus had thrown himself into the few feeble plans they were able to come up with, desperately trying to distract himself from both the geas and the fact he had driven Harry away. The fact Harry had left him.
But all of a sudden the trapdoor was flung open, and a flushed and out-of-breath Harry Potter hauled himself into the Shack. He didn't hesitate, just walked straight up to Severus and moved his face close to Severus', his lips into Severus'. Warmth infused Severus everywhere Harry touched and moved through him. He found himself trying to embrace the other boy, his arms dipping into Harry's shoulders as his lips dipped into Harry's mouth.
Severus was the one to end the kiss this time as well. He stepped back, out of Harry's reach, and raised his hand between them when Harry tried to follow him.
"Where were you? Why didn't you come? Do you know how worried I was that I'd messed things up and hurt you."
"I'm sorry, Severus, I'm sorry." Harry tried to catch his hand, but Severus evaded him. "I got cold feet. It was – I didn't know what I was thinking or feeling. I know I should have told you, should at least have warned you, but I needed to think. Severus." He had cornered Severus, the only route of escape through Harry. Which, while tempting and actually an option, wasn't the right thing to do just now.
"I'm sorry, I really am." Harry looked at the floor and the scuffed noses of his shoes. "I kissed Neville."
"What?"
"No, wait, listen. I had to try, see what it was like, if it was just you."
Severus had folded his arms in front of his chest and was glaring coldly at Harry now. Not only had his 'friend' deserted him for more than a week, he'd been out kissing other boys while Severus worried that he'd hurt him or driven him away.
"It didn't mean anything. I tried and it was wet. Nothing like what we did. I don't want Neville, or anybody else, just you. I'm sorry that I left you here, and now I'll have to go back to the castle in a few minutes or Remus will come looking for me. Please, don't be angry, Severus."
Harry reached one hand out and rested it against Severus' cheek. Then he slowly leaned forward, brushing his lips through Severus'. "Don't be angry," he sighed into Severus, and Severus moved his hand into Harry's.
"As long as you come back to me."
"I will, I promise, as soon as I can."
They kissed, and Severus wondered how different it was from kissing somebody you could actually touch. He could feel the heat of Harry's life force, feel the push and pull of Harry's breathing, and the feel of their noses and lips and tongue moving through one another made him shiver and feel sparks.
"I don't want to go," Harry whispered, and his eyes were closed tight. "I don't want to leave Hogwarts and stay with Sirius."
"I know." I want you to stay here, with me, away and safe from Black.
"I have to."
"I know."
"Remus is waiting for me."
"Come back."
Harry stumbled backward and nodded. "I will. I promise. Bye." His cheeks were flushed, and he was sweating again. Severus could see that his lips had turned blue and he was shivering.
"Bye."
The trapdoor fell shut behind Harry, and Severus stared at it for a long time. No matter what it took, Severus was going to break the geas and get out of this prison, for both of them. Not Dumbledore or Lupin or Black or anybody else was going to stop him.
