10. Safe Haven II
Harry had said he would come down to the Shack first thing upon his return, but Severus hadn't quite expected Harry to do just that. Nicholas had told him that Black would be dropping Harry off late in the evening after dinner before leaving on Order business. Severus doubted that either Lupin or Dumbledore would allow Harry to leave the castle at night.
However, much like the last time Harry had come to see him, the trapdoor was flung open near midnight. There was a shimmer in the air, but Severus could not see Harry. He wondered if perhaps Peeves was up to one of his pranks again, but the sound of footsteps on the floor suggested otherwise.
"Harry?" Severus asked, trying to track the boy. Something seemed out of place in one of the corners of the room, and Severus moved his hand through the air, searching. "Harry?" He felt the warmth as his arm passed through a living being.
"Hey, stop groping me," came Harry's voice, and Severus snatched his hand back. While the words should have been light and teasing, Harry's voice sounded hoarse and broken.
"Harry?"
The Invisibility Cloak fell away to reveal Harry's face, making it seem as if he were just a floating head.
"Hi, Severus."
Severus was taken aback by how much Harry had aged in just three weeks. His green eyes were dull, his glasses smudged and they did not conceal the dark rings beneath his eyes. He looked pale and sickly, and Severus wanted to see whatever else Harry was hiding beneath that Invisibility Cloak. He wanted to ask whether Harry was all right, but doubted that Harry would take such a question well. He wanted to ask what Black had done to him, wanted to vent his rage at the monster, but the geas kept him silent.
So in the end he leaned forward and pressed their lips into each other briefly. "I'm glad you came back to me."
"I promised, didn't I?" Harry answered, smiling wanly. He wriggled his hand out through the gap in his cloak and laid it on the floor next to him; Severus rested his hand in the same place.
"It's good to be back here, with you." Harry whispered as he leaned his head back against the wall, closing his eyes. The sleeve of Harry's robe had moved up just enough to reveal a ring of finger-shaped bruises around his wrist. Severus stared at them. The geas was a suffocating noose around his neck.
Harry's face relaxed and his breathing evened out. Severus realised he had fallen asleep, and he wished he could sit next to Harry and have him lean his head on Severus' shoulder. He wished he could put his arms around Harry instead of only through him. But he couldn't, so Severus watched over Harry's sleeping form. Every time he removed his hand from Harry's, the other boy would twitch and frown, and Severus hastily returned his hand, closing it into a fist briefly in an approximation of a reassuring squeeze.
Halfway through the night Nicholas appeared. Harry's disappearance had been noticed and his visit to Severus was not one he had warned Lupin about. The werewolf had sent Nicholas to check whether Harry might be at the Shack. Severus' lip curled in disdain that Lupin would not check up on that himself; not that he was eager to see the werewolf, not at all. Nicholas readily agreed to tell Lupin that Harry was all right, while it was clear to the other ghost that this was most definitely not the case.
It was up to Harry to decide whether to share his secrets, and with whom. It was Harry's decision whether to ask for help or not.
*~*
Harry started spending most weeknights at the Shack with Severus, sleeping on the couch, if he bothered to transfigure something into one, or otherwise simply on the floor. Severus was amazed that Dumbledore allowed it. Then again, he had all of a sudden decided to take away Harry's weekends with Severus in order to train him. He would have had to have given Harry something in return.
Severus worried about Harry. His sleep was troubled by nightmares and visions sent to him by Voldemort, and there was nothing Severus could do. They still did Harry's homework together, and Harry was starting to show more and more of an interest in at least the theory of Potions.
When Harry wasn't studying or sleeping fitfully, he was usually silent. He didn't talk about Quidditch or his friends anymore. Severus wondered whether Harry still had friends; he spent all his free time either training with Dumbledore, Flitwick and Lupin, or in the Shrieking Shack with Severus. He doubted whether Harry was even half as open with either Ron or Hemione as he was with Severus.
Not that he was very open with Severus. He refused to talk about or even mention Black or anything that had happened over the Christmas holidays. Perhaps he was with Severus mainly because he was actually unable to ask Harry any questions about Black.
Severus couldn't understand why Dumbledore and Harry's other teachers did nothing. Were they blind, or wilfully ignorant?
Harry was not willing to talk about Black, but he did start mentioning Lupin. The werewolf was obviously Harry's favourite teacher, and Severus suffered through stories of how he had taught Harry the Patronus Charm in his third year. He wanted to tell Harry that he did not want to hear about the filthy beast that had killed him. However, either the geas would not allow him to speak, or he would decide against it for fear of driving Harry away.
Then one night, when the moon was full, Harry broke the unspoken pact between them.
"After you told me what had happened, how Sirius – how you were killed," Harry said, and Severus wanted to scream at him that he had been murdered, not killed, "I talked to Remus about it."
Harry was lying on his couch again, and Severus was glad he was sitting on the other side of the room and not with him for once. Otherwise, he would have had to get up and leave Harry's side, and he was already tempted to do so. Just the mention of his death and Lupin brought the geas back to Severus' full attention.
"He said he hadn't known about – He said he hadn't meant to, that he would never have condoned it."
That doesn't matter. He killed me, Harry. Lupin is a beast and that beast tore me apart and then ate me. I don't care if he knew what Black was up to or not. He killed me!
"I asked him how he could ever be friends with... my father and the others after what had happened, and he said he hadn't, not really. My father didn't know and didn't understand why Remus wouldn't talk to – talk to Sirius anymore, and things kind of went downhill from there."
Harry paused and avoided looking at Severus. Severus stared down at the Potions tome in front of him. He didn't need Harry apologising for or trying to make him feel sorry for the werewolf.
"It's probably why my parents messed up with that secret keeper business," Harry continued, more to himself than Severus. "Remus said Sirius probably thought Remus was trying to get revenge this way, that now that he'd killed someone he would more likely turn to Voldemort. And he didn't trust Sirius anymore either, and so he believed that Sirius had indeed betrayed my parents."
So what? Is it my fault blasted James Potter is dead? My fault that Black spent twelve too short years where he belongs?
"Remus is sorry."
Oh yes, that werewolf is sorry. Sorry enough to let Dumbledore do this to me and not say a word.
"It wasn't his fault."
Severus stared at Harry, wanted him to meet his eyes. The geas was choking him.
"I know that, but –"
But that was all the geas would allow him to say. Severus knew it wasn't Lupin's fault. He didn't believe Black had involved the werewolf in his little plot to murder Severus, but that wasn't the point. Lupin had been the one to kill him, and Lupin had left Severus bound to the Shack just as much as Dumbledore had. Why did Harry have to bring this up? If Lupin was too much of a coward to tell Severus this himself, other than that one pitiful visit twenty years ago, what was Harry doing trying to apologise for him?
"It's just, you really... mean a lot to me, Severus. I care about you, but Remus is the closest I can get to being with my parents, and he's important to me too." Harry fell silent, staring at his nervously fidgeting hands.
Severus took a moment to digest that, even if the geas wouldn't really allow him to say much in reply. He had never spoken to Harry about Lupin, or confronted him about the fact that his 'favourite teacher' was also the one who had killed Severus. Not that he could have, because of the geas. But Harry must be feeling the conflict in loyalty.
"I'm sorry," Harry said, and he reached out for Severus' hand. "Thank you for listening." Severus hesitated for a moment, then left his book and settled on the floor next to Harry, putting his hand into Harry's. If listening was all Harry would allow Severus to do, then so be it.
At least he knew that Harry would never try to apologise for, let alone justify, Sirius Black's actions. Black was Harry's godfather and had been James Potter's closest friend, but Remus Lupin was Harry's closest connection to his parents. Harry didn't need to talk about Black; Severus already understood.
