Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all related ideas are copyrighted and property of J.K. Rowling. I in no way own or claim anything henceforth with exception to the invented storyline.

Authors Note: I decided to write this for two reasons 1) I just finished CoS for the Gamecube and although it was an ok (and very EASY) game….well…you'll see. And 2) I figure maybe more people will read my other story if they like this one. This is done in script format because it takes a lot less time to do dialog that way.

Harry Potter and The Shoddy Workmanship of EA

Scene: Harry, Hermione, and Ron stand together in the Entrance Hall of Hogwarts on the first day of their sixth term

Voiceover: If Harry Potter goes back to Hogwarts…he will be in MORTAL DANGER!

Harry: I don't think I want to go back anymore.

Ron: Too bad because you really don't have a choice.

Hermione: So did you hear the news Harry?

Harry: No what?

Hermione: Well the ministry had let this new company known as EA to come and run Hogwarts. All kind of things are different.

Harry: How so?

Ron: Well we'll explain everything tomorrow.

DAY 1

Harry: (Runs down from his dormitory and is met by Ron and Hermione) So what class do we have first guys, because since I've become a freaking moron I can't remember what classes we have.

Ron: It's Transfiguration first Harry. And it's ok that you don't remember because you only need to attend half the classes, and then you only attend them once a semester. Come on I'll meet you on the first floor. (Stands there)

Harry: …Don't you have to like….move if you're going to meet me there.

Ron: Nah I'll just wait for a loading screen and mysteriously appear there.

Hermione: (Moves her mouth for some unknown reason, probably a glitch)

Harry: Well I'm off to Transfiguration then I guess.

Hermione: Wait Harry. Since we know you're obviously a moron and have forgotten everything you learned last year you'll have to relearn your basic knock back jinx. It's called Flipendo (Raises her wand and flicks it) Flipendo! You can use this jinx to knock back enemies and hit switches.

Harry: …Wait I thought that spell was called Stupefy?

Hermione: It's a video game Harry. For gameplay purposes we had to give you a spell that you could attack things with.

Harry: Why not just use an actual spell from the books like Stupefy then?

Hermione: …

Harry: …

Hermione: I'm sorry I don't understand what you mean.

Harry: …Nevermind.

IN TRANSFIGURATION – (Everyone is seated in a desk, except for Harry who stands by Ron and Hermione's desk because they were obviously a desk short and Harry drew the short stick, which means he has to stand for the entire class period.)

McGonagall: Transfiguration is one of the hardest forms of magic to learn. But today I'll be showing you a very simple spell that you can use that will prove very useful. It is called Avifors and it allows you to turn these odd shaped rocks into birds. (Turns to egg shaped rock and since she doesn't have a wand she pulls back shoots her hand out in a kamehameha stance) AVIFORS! (The rock turns into a bird and flies off). You will see the Avifors Challenge Chamber has now been revealed.

Harry: (Raises his hand)

McGonagall: Yes Mr. Potter?

Harry: Well…I have two questions. One how come you can cast spells without a wand? I thought all magic users had to have a wand? Are you special or something?

McGonagall: …Mr. Potter it would have proved too difficult a programming task to put a small stick in my hand. So to make up for this I can now shoot spells from my hands. Satisfied?

Harry: Um…yeah ok. My second question is…well not to question your teaching Professor but…how on earth is a spell that turns these odd shaped rocks into birds EVER going to help us? How is it going to be useful? I mean I've never even seen that rock thing before today and I mean it looks cool but…who cares? Is it pivotal to the plot that I know this? I mean-

McGonagall: Just go in the damn hole Harry.

Harry: Yes Professor. (Walks over to small hole in the wall and crawls in. He walks down a flight of stairs and into a large room. At the far end of the room is a raised platform with a spell book on it. There is a box in the corner.)

Harry: Hmm…this is going to be a difficult puzzle (rolls his eyes. Grabs the box and tries to pull it and for some reason lets go.) The hell? (Grabs the box and drags it the wrong way). NO NO! I WANTED IT TO GO THE OTHER WAY!

McGonagall: Oh we're sorry, the controller isn't very responsive to box pulling and pushing Mr. Potter.

Harry: (Finally drags the box over by the platform. Climbs on top of it and looks at the spell book. It explodes and Harry in given the power of Avifors)

Voiceover: You can now set the spell Avifors to the B,X,Y (change if you play on a different system) buttons! Then you can use it by simply pressing the button.

Harry: Cool so it's kind of like Zelda! Awesome!

Voiceover: No actually it's just an excuse to make room after room of box puzzles.

Harry: (Disappointed) Oh… (Opens door to next room because it would be OBVIOUSLY WRONG to just walk out the way he came in.)

Harry: Whoa that's a deep hole (Looks at deep hole and platform he needs to jump too on the other side) Well here goes nothing. (Takes camera and moves it behind him)

Camera: (Moves sideways for no apparent reason)

Harry: (Grabs camera and moves it behind him again)

Camera: *snickers* (Moves away again)

Harry: Dammit you git stop that! (Takes camera and places it behind him)

Camera: (Stays still)

Harry: (Runs and jumps)

Camera: (Moves sideways mid-jump)

Harry: (Turns with camera and can't grab platform because he's turned slightly and as we all know that you can't grab things unless you're perfectly straight, falls to his doom)

LOADING

Harry: Ok Mr. Camera please stay behind me (Moves camera. Runs and jumps and barely grabs onto platform. Pulls himself up. Goes through next door)

Harry: Oh another box puzzle. Imagine that. Only this time there are TWO boxes. Uh oh (Rolls his eyes) (Solves it and climbs out of the hole.)

McGonagall: Splendid job Mr. Potter. Forty points to Gryffindor. Class dismissed!

Harry: WAIT A MINUTE! DOESN'T ANYBODY ELSE HAVE TO GO THROUGH THAT?!

McGonagall: No (Pushes Harry out the door and locks it)

Ron: Wow it's been a long day. I'm beat. I think I'm going to go to bed.

Harry: Long day? We went to one class? And what do you mean you're beat, I did everything.

Ron: Yeah…that's sweet Harry.

Harry: What about all our other classes?

Ron: We don't have any other classes today. In fact we don't ever have Transfiguration again. You learned the only spell you'll ever learn from there so no need to go back the rest of the year. It wouldn't really matter though you'll forget it next year and have to re-learn it.

Harry: Ok but…don't we have some crucial plot points to carry out today? Or some elongated cut scene where we can go in depth with the story and get the entire Harry Potter experience?

Ron: …I don't compute. What is this storyline you speak of? (Runs off to bed)

NIGHT 1

Harry: (Wakes up) It's the middle of the night. I'd better head downstairs and see what's up. (Runs down stairs)

Hermione: Harry thank god you're here. I need you to go to the library and get a spell book for me. It's called "Diffindo" and it cuts stuff.

Harry: Why do I have to go? Why can't you go get it yourself? You're better at magic anyway.

Hermione: Yeah but then you wouldn't be my bitch Harry. I mean workhorse.

Harry: Yeah but it's nighttime I need to sleep.

Hermione: No you don't. You do things during the day AND night. (Smiles at him)

Harry: *sigh* Ok why do we need Diffindo?

Hermione: Because Neville is a dumbass and is stuck behind this tapestry. (Points at tapestry hanging over a doorway)

Neville: HI HARRY (from behind tapestry)

Harry: (Looks dumbfounded at Hermione) It's a mother *beep* tapestry. Can't he just push it to the side and walk out?

Hermione: …Harry you obviously don't understand. This is a magical tapestry that weighs 12,000 lbs. He can't just move it.

Harry: So how did he get back there?

Hermione: He's magical Harry (rolls her eyes) obviously!

Harry:…whatever. (Climbs out portrait hole)

Hermione: (Climbs out halfway) OH HARRY I ALMOST FORGOT. Be careful of Prefects catching you out.

Harry: Aren't you a prefect?

Hermione: It's ok though because they won't be anywhere that they could catch people like in the halls or on the staircase. They'll just be in out of the way locations like all congregated in the library so you don't have to worry until you get there.

Harry: Thanks Hermione. (Walks to library) Ok now I have to get to the restricted section. I'll have to sneak past the prefects. I should use my invisibility cloak.

EAGODS: No you shouldn't.

Harry: No I shouldn't. I'll just have to try and sneak and hope they don't catch me. This is so cool, I feel Metal Gear Solidish already.

Camera: (Zooms in so close to the top of Harry's head the whole screen turns black)

Harry: What are you doing? How am I supposed to seek when I can't see anything and it's so ANNOYING to control you.

Camera: Exactly!

Harry: *sigh* (Makes it to restricted section after about 30 attempts to sneak past prefects.)

Well that's it so far. I will update soon if people enjoy it and I mean very soon. AND I'll update sooner if you read and review my other story. Hope you enjoy.