Now I
Lay Me Down
By: Kohan
Rated: PG-13
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Chapter 1: Broken
Disclaimer: BSSM and all its corresponding characters and elements belong to Naoko Takeuchi. MS Gundam Wing belongs to Sunrise. This story belongs to me.
Chapter Summary: In which Usagi feels true heartbreak, and not all is lost.
A/N: This is a rewrite of the first chapter, for those of you on ff.net. For everyone else, hello! If you've already read chapter one, please read this version. It's quite a bit different. Wouldn't want you to get confused in the future! Review for cookies!
***
The merciless rain pattered down angrily on dark, upturned umbrellas that day in late spring. It is said that spring is the lovliest of times in Japan, but had the weather been sunny or rainy or gray it wouldn't have mattered; not on this day. The rain would still have fallen on the hearts of those who had known Chiba Mamoru. It would have drawn a shield over their eyes and senses, and all they would have seen or thought would be gray, had the weather been different. It seemed, however, that the weather was also mourning the loss of Mamoru, and the clouds hung low over the tops of the mountains. The rain streamed down and down onto the small, lonely graveyard, leaving nothing but wasted memories and sunken faces in its wake.
"Let us not mourn for the dead, for they have passed on to a better place. Let us then rejoice in life and the time our loved ones have spent with us on this earth." There was a pause in the low, quiet speech of the Catholic Priest as he gazed across the faces of those gathered, and then, "This concludes the burial of Chiba Mamoru. There is but one task left," he let his eyes travel to the foreboding open grave, and then to the casket, safe and dry under a canopy of blue plastic. "Who will carry out the task of closing the casket?"
Slowly and quietly, eighteen year old Tsukino Usagi made her way to the open casket where her true love lay motionless and lifeless. She carried no umbrella, and the rain stained her hair a dark gold color. Drops mixed with the salty tears upon her face and traveled down to drip off her chin and into oblivion. "I'll--I'll close it." Usagi said softly, and the small group that had gathered watched with clouded eyes as her wet, pale hands closed around the lip of the casket's cover. "Goodbye, Mamo-chan." Usagi whispered, and she closed her eyes as she pulled heavily downward.
The casket shut with a terrible finality, and Usagi stepped away, one hand closed around her necklace, the other hanging uselessly at her side. She stared at the polished mohogony of the casket for a long while before finally turning at the touch of a soft hand at her shoulder. Yes, it was the end...the strange, Western ceremony was over and Mamoru was gone forever. Usagi looked up into the deep purple eyes of Hino Rei and tried a smile, but it broke before it had even become apparent that she had tried. Usagi dissolved into sobs and buried her wet face in the crook of Rei's shoulder, and the taller girl held and rocked her like a soft, comforting cloud. When Usagi's tears had finally abated, Rei led her once again into the rain and away from the gravesite.
"You're coming home with me, ne? Let's say goodbye to Okaa-san first." Rei said, lowering her head to speak softly at Usagi, who nodded and sniffled in the cool air. Her clothes hung damply on her thin frame and she kept her eyes to the ground as they walked silently amid ancient gravestones.
"Usagi-chan..." A soft, familiar voice said, and Usagi looked up, her vision clearing as her mother came into focus, "You'll call tomorrow, won't you?"
Usagi nodded, but said nothing. She looked away as her mother's sad gaze roamed her face. "I'll make sure she eats, Okaa-san." Rei said, inclining her head and squeezing Usagi slightly. Usagi's mother nodded a grateful thank you and ducked into the taxi that had been summoned for her. Usagi sniffed again, and the familiar movement of step-step-step returned, safe in Rei's embrace.
"Ready to go, Odango-chan, Rei-chan?" The low, somewhat masculine voice of Haruka said as the trio approached. Usagi didn't reply, but Rei gave a nod and made eye contact with each of her friends. All were gathered in a small cluster of dark umbrellas, soft whispers emanating from the group.
"Ja na, Minna-san." Rei said, and Usagi felt herself moving forward once more, lowering herself into a car, the familiar scent of Haruka's perfume, motion as the car moved forward, bumps in the road that jolted deep into the recesses of her mind, Rei's constant contact. Usagi quickly fell into the routine of the car, which was short lived. Haruka still drove fast, and Rei's house was still as close to the cemetery as it had ever been. These things Usagi remembered only after they presented themselves to her, and even then, she forgot them quickly and returned to the memory of Mamoru.
She'd memorized his face. Every laugh line, every soft curve. The feel of his skin, the brush of his eyelashes, the swish of his hair. It was all engraved into her memory, and it was there that Mamoru now resided. She could picture him perfectly, so much that she wanted to speak aloud to him. She had tried that already, just after the accident. She already knew that there was no reply. She already knew that Mamoru was gone.
They entered the house, cold and silent now that it was just Rei that lived there. Usagi remembered that, too, but kept this memory a little closer for a little longer. She wasn't the only one alone...Rei was empty too. She had to remember that always.
The loud swish of Rei's umbrella closing jolted Usagi back to the foyer of Rei's small house by the temple, and she quickly removed her shoes and outer coat, which was dripping with water. "You need a warm bath," Rei said, touching Usagi's hand. Usagi saw Rei's recoil deep in the fire senshi's eyes. She didn't blame her. Usagi knew her hands were like ice. "I'll fix a bed in my room for you."
Usagi nodded again. She wanted to say thank you, but didn't trust her voice. So instead of replying after silence, Usagi made her way into the wash room, where she bathed and lent herself to the warm waters of the bath tub. She wished she could soak away the bad feelings, the terrible reality of Mamoru's death...but she couldn't. Images came to her--imaginary, she knew--images of Mamoru's death. Had he been speeding? Was the road lonely and wet, or was it crowded, the skies overhead blue? A hot tear streaked its way across her face and fell into the clear water of the bath. One question, most of all, nudged at Usagi's mind.
How was she to live without her Mamo-chan?
***
The days after Mamoru's death faded into weeks as spring faded into summer. Usagi's once ostentatious self became nothing more than a ghost that had been replaced with a quiet, sullen girl who seemed faded from reality. Usagi came under constant surveillance of her many friends, and though they watched her closely, they were unable to do anything to ease her pain. They watched as she began to waste away, and soon it was impossible to keep quiet.
"She's like a walking wraith." Makoto commented one day as she shielded her eyes from the early summer's sun. Nods arose from around the small group of girls, and one by one, each head turned to look in the direction of the object of the topic at hand. Under normal circumstances, Usagi would have looked peaceful and contemplative as she swept the shrine's steps in her blue and white work kimono, but the girls knew better than to think as much. She didn't hum, she didn't sing, the broom's stroke had no uppity rhythm that suited her usual demeanor. It was all empty, as it had been for weeks.
"She's still eating?" Ami asked, glancing at Rei quickly and then turning back to watch Usagi. Rei nodded slowly,
"Yes, but not like she used to. It's like she doesn't like the taste of food anymore. I have to supervise during meals to make sure she eats it all, and she never asks for more."
"We need to do something." Minako said, looking away from the golden-haired girl and turning to the others, "This has been going on too long. It's unhealthy!"
"I've tried everything. I even slapped her once--" Rei blushed darkly for a moment, looking angry with herself, "--but all she did was ask me if I thought Mamoru was thinking of her when he died."
Makoto sighed and leaned back on the bench, "Maybe we can get her to come around tonight." She closed her eyes. Softly, from beside her, Rei replied,
"I hope so."
***
"And then Ami s--said, 'Well, don't wo--worry about it, I'm sure it'll wash off if you try hard enough.'" Minako finished, falling into pearls of laughter, taking Makoto with her. Ami reddened slightly, and Rei frowned.
"What's so funny about that?" She said finally, and Minako stopped, looking abashed. "It was hair, Rei-chan. Seito-kun was growing a beard."
Rei laughed weakly and looked over at Usagi, who had taken little part in the conversation. The princess had risen during Minako's retelling of the humorous event, and she was now standing by an open window, looking out into the cloudless night's sky. "What are you doing, Usagi-chan?" Rei asked, her question driving the other girls to silence. Usagi didn't look over, but surprised them all by answering,
"Thinking." She said quietly, and Rei sat up a little,
"What are you thinking about?"
"I wonder where Mamoru is now..." Usagi said unceremoniously. Rei glanced at the others before getting up and walking slowly to Usagi's side,
"What do you mean, Usagi-chan? What do you mean, where is he now?"
"I mean...he has to have been reborn, right? Doesn't he? I want to see him."
"Oh, Usagi...he would be so young!" Ami said, standing as well, "Even if we found him, he wouldn't know us!"
"How do you know Ami-chan?" Usagi said, passion enveloping her voice. "We've never been reborn at different times before, none of us but Hotaru, and look at how quickly she grows!"
"Usagi," Ami said quietly, "Hotaru's been reborn almost ten times--she's adept--"
"I don't care!" Usagi said, her voice rising. Unshed tears sparkled in her eyes, "I want to see him! I don't care if he's two weeks, two years or two hundred years old!"
If a stare could speak, the one Usagi gave to the inner senshi that night was screaming. Minako backed up a pace, Ami looked down, and Makoto looked embarrassed. Rei felt herself shrink away from Usagi's side as she molded herself into a chair. Usagi was the only one left standing, and she stood bravely, her tears still sparkling in her eyes but not one spilling on her cheeks.
"We...we..." Minako started, but trailed off, looking lost. Ami looked up, tears glistening in her own eyes. She strode forward and grasped Usagi's hands in her own.
"We will help you find him, Usagi. Whatever it takes."
"Ami's right," Makoto said, and Minako nodded.
"How?" Rei said, her surprise at Usagi's sudden passion fading as the dull ebb of promised failure hit her. Mamoru could be anywhere, most likely in America, where he had died.
"I'm calling Setsuna now," Ami said, her ear to the telephone, "she'll help us."
"Setsuna's at the Gates," Rei said miserably, but Ami just shrugged,
"Then we'll get Michiru or Haruka or Hotaru. It'll be o--hello? Did I wake you? Yes...well, we're over here at Rei's and Usagi's just been wondering about Mam--" Ami paused, "Well...yes, actually. Could you? Thank you so much..." Ami covered the phone and looked at the group, "Hotaru says she's going to get Setsuna on the communicator."
A smile broke Usagi's face for the first time in weeks, but she remained silent, watching Ami with an unwavering gaze. Ami's eyes glistened in the dim light of the room, and she quickly turned back to the throne.
"Yes, I'm here. Oh, thank--yes. Of course, and Michiru and Haruka too...oh, that's right...Canada. Okay, see you in awhile. Thank you, Hotaru." Ami hung up and looked up with a smile. "Hotaru and Setsuna are coming. Hotaru said that Setsuna can find Mamoru."
Usagi flopped down in a chair easily, a smile still painted on her face. "Thank you, Minna-san."
***
Sailor Pluto hadn't knocked on the door but once before Usagi threw it open, revealing a very tired looking Hotaru and a concerned Sailor Pluto. Usagi didn't let either get a word in edgewise, but started bombarding them with questions almost before they could step in the door.
"Do you know where my Mamo-chan is? Can we go see him?"
"Can we come in?" Hotaru said, her voice sounding slightly put-out. Usagi stepped aside just long enough for them to enter, slammed the door shut, and looked pointedly at Pluto. "Please, tell me you found him, Pluto-san."
"It is very hard, Usagi..." Sailor Pluto said, as she walked to the window. Clearly she was unwilling to make eye contact with any of them, or perhaps she drew strength from the stars. She looked out into the darkness and sighed, "Mamoru hasn't...been reborn yet."
"What....? But he has to have!" Usagi said, "What about...us? Won't he be reborn?"
"Hotaru said that you could find Mamoru," Minako said, looking worried. Hotaru grew slightly rigid at the small accusation, but it was a very minute change from her already awkward state. Usagi looked at Hotaru sadly, and for a moment let her attention drift away. Hotaru was probably as excited as she was at the possibility of finding Mamoru, but for different reasons. It was these reasons that set them apart and left them distant from each other. Hotaru still mourned the passing of Chibi-Usa, who had disappeared before her eyes. Usagi was still hurting from Mamoru. Usagi looked back to Pluto, who finally turned her dark eyes on Usagi's continence.
"I did find Mamoru, Usagi-chan."
***
"Mamoru isn't born for another 3,000 years?" Usagi said in horror, touching her necklace for support, drawing comfort from it. "A-after the Crystal Millennium?" She grew silent for a moment, "How can that be?"
"After the Golden Millennium," Sailor Pluto said, ignoring Usagi's latter question, probably due to lack of information, "In a time called AC 179."
"AC?" Hotaru leaned forward and inserted herself into the conversation for the first time, "What does that stand for?"
"After Colony." Sailor Pluto replied, "After the Golden Millennium, Earth looked to the stars for all that it wished for and reached out for the colonies. But the colonies caused war and none were united until AC 197...after the age of the Gundams."
"Gundams?" Hotaru pressed again. Usagi wanted to push her aside and ask more questions about Mamoru, but she suddenly realized how selfish she had become, and desisted from that notion. She turned her orbs to Hotaru, whose brow was creased in thought.
"Giant killing machines controlled by soldiers. Death Rays...the ultimate weapons."
"They sound evil," Hotaru said, her voice hollow. Usagi knew she was recognizing a part of herself that she hated but had to live with.
"They were." Sailor Pluto said and sat down. She looked at Usagi sadly.
"...Can you take me...us to him? There, in the...AC...after Mamo-chan's grown?" Usagi asked, pressing forward, but softly.
"I can." Sailor Pluto said, nodding deeply. "But..."
"What?"
"Mamoru would have grown up in the colonies...he would have no memories of the Silver Millennium...of you."
"None?" Usagi asked, shocked, "But when we were reborn, we remembered--"
"He may gain some memories again over time...but I think you will have to earn his love again."
"What if I can't!?" Usagi said, nearly screaming. Rei shuddered with the thought, but knew in her heart that it was impossible, what Usagi was worried about. Usagi and Mamoru were destiny. She would win him back.
"You can, Usagi-san." Hotaru said, "I have faith in you."
Usagi quelled under such a strong sentiment. Hotaru seemed so certain, her statement so final. What if she missed? What if she couldn't do it? Usagi put that thought out of her mind and looked steadfastly at Sailor Pluto. "I will. I will. Take us to Mamo-chan!"
***
A/N: All right, this is going to get some groans. For those of you who have read this before, you already know that this story's going to be Mamoru/Usagi. As much as I think Mamoru is a useless, highly stupid character, I can't see any way around it. Usagi is enamored with him. She makes that clear in the manga and anime. Not to mention, I think I should stick a little with Takeuchi-sama's vision. I perverse it enough already as it is. Other pairings? Perhaps I'll tell next chapter ^_^ Feel free to guess, it won't be hard. Man, I hate all this author's note crap. Review!
