[The scene is the 'Nosgothshire Arms'. Situated at a crossroads on the tracks between the Sanctuary of the Clans and the border of the Razielim Clan lands, it enjoys a steady trade from vampires and suicidal Sarafan alike. Today there is a great deal of commotion coming from inside, as the Terran forces are about to confront some rather hungry vampires . . .]
Silmuen: *strikes a heroic pose* Back off or feel Precious' wrath!
Vampire 1: What are you going to do, paint us yellow?
Silmuen: Do not underestimate the power of the Emulsion Reaver!
Vampire 1: *laughs uncontrollably*
Vladimir's Angel: (whispers in an aside) I think she's caught Raziel's exclamation disease.
AmuseMe: That'll be the reaver. Has that effect on people – turns them into proclaimers.
Lilith: Ok, everyone, I have a plan.
Shadowrayne: Does it involve beer?
Lilith: *tuts* No it doesn't. On the count of three, throw the Kain dolls at them and run. One . . .
[The Black Leather Wearing Women from Earth pull out their Kain dolls]
Lilith: two . . .
Vladimir's Angel: Hold on – mine's stuck in my cleavage!
Lilith: three!
Silmuen: *swings the Emulsion Reaver, scattering globs of yellow paint all over the vampires' armour*
The Black Leather Wearing Women from Earth: *pelt the vampires with their mini-Kains*
Lilith: *bolts out the door and comes skidding to a halt about two hundred yards from the tavern. Stops to take a breath and a look around, then realises no-one else has left the bar. Stands about looking sheepish for a minute then heads back inside*
[The vampire ranks are looking decidedly embarrassed, as the Kain dolls have stuck to the globs of emulsion, and they now have Kain-spangled armour. None of the Black Leather Wearing Women from Earth have left because they are too busy laughing at the blushing undead.]
Shadowrayne: Oh, don't they look cute with their little Kain decorations!
Isca: Stop taking the Mickey out of my men – they have feelings, you know!
Silmuen: You were warned, spawn of Kain!
Isca: Er actually, they're not . . .
Silmuen: But you wouldn't listen – oh no. Now perhaps you will think twice before messing with me and Precious!
Vladimir's Angel: We have got to get that Emulsion Reaver off her.
Lilith: Never mind the $^£&* Emulsion Reaver – we had a plan - we were supposed to be running away!
AmuseMe: (draped over the bar, flirting shamelessly) We don't have to go just yet, do we?
Unknown Voice: Oh yes you do.
[All heads turn in the direction of the door, where a silhouetted figure is standing with hands on hips looking less than amused]
Isca: *Ducks down behind bar* (whispers) I'm not here.
Freya: *stomps over to the bar, clambers onto a bar stool and leans over* Come out of there, you sneaky little devil!
Isca: *rises slowly to his feet looking decidedly guilty* Hello, dear . . .
Freya: Don't you give me that! I've been looking for you everywhere – I looked in 'Torment', I looked in 'Nosgoth's Salvation' - I even looked in 'Bloody Paradox' on the offchance, and where do I find you?
Isca: *wrings dishcloth in his claws* Sorry, dear . . .
Freya: In a BAR with a busload of foreign hussies!
Vladimir's Angel: Hey! We're not hussies!
AmuseMe: Yeah, I prefer the term 'tart' myself.
Isca: I just needed some 'me' time, y'know . . .
Freya: *looks around the bar* Some 'you' time, eh?
Isca *nods hopefully*
Freya: With all your mates and a gaggle of fangirls?
Isca: *nods again, less hopefully this time*
Freya: Right. *reaches over, grabs a pointed ear and hauls Isca over the bar*
Isca: Ow! Leggo my ear!
Freya: *stomping out of the door with a struggling Isca in tow* Do you know what you left me to face alone at the end of Nosgoth's Salvation?
Isca: No, dear. If I let you tell me, will you let go of my ear?
Freya: (ignores him). FLOWERS!
Isca: You have my sympathy, dear.
Freya: And bunnies and hippies and pretty rainbows.
Isca: You're not going to let me forget this, are you?
Freya: (fading into the distance) I might let you make it up to me . . .
*
[Back inside the tavern, the Black Leather Wearing Women from Earth look at the Kain-spangled vampires.
The Kain-spangled vampires look back.]
AmuseMe: So what now?
[The Kain-spangled vampires shrug.]
Lilith: Well, I think we'll just be on our way then.
Vampire 1: *looks around shiftily* Er . . .yeah. We were just about to leave anyway.
Vladimir's Angel: Well, it's alright then, isn't it? We'll all just leave.
[No-one moves]
Silmuen: No! The Emulsion Reaver thirsts for vengeance! I shall not retreat before these scu . . .
The Black Leather Wearing Women from Earth: *pile on Silmuen, separate her from 'Precious' and drag her out of the bar*
*
[The Black Leather Wearing Women from Earth shortly arrive at the Sanctuary of the Clans]
AmuseMe: You do it.
Shadowrayne: I can't reach the doorknocker – you do it!
Vladimir's Angel: *tuts* I'll do it. Who'd have thought people'd be squeamish about a wolf's head doorknocker?
AmuseMe: Er . . . V.A. – hold on . . .
Vladimir's Angel: silly buggers . . . Ow! *looks up to see the doorknocker has attempted to bite her finger and backs off hurriedly* OK, ok . . .someone else knock the door.
Silmuen: (sulkily) Precious could have done it.
[While the Black Leather Wearing Women from Earth argue, the Sanctuary doors open soundlessly.]
Kain: Don't bother, I can hear you all the way from the throne room anyway, you noisy bunch . . . of . . . women . . . in leather . . . covered in . . . *slight pause as the Emperor's brain finally brings him up to speed with the identity of his visitors* AAAAAAAAAAARGH! THE CUSTARD WOMEN! *attempts to slam door*
Lilith: *sticks her foot in the gap* Actually, we're the Emulsion Women.
Kain: *trying to close the door* Read the sign – 'No salespeople'.
Vladimir's Angel: We're not trying to sell you anything, silly!
Kain: *looks hopeful* You're not?
Lilith: Nope. We've just come so you can make good on your contract.
Kain: *definitely confused now* Contract? What contract?
Vladimir's Angel: This one. Read it and weep, Kain, the Sanctuary of the Clans belongs to us!
[The Black Leather Wearing Women from Earth cackle in unison, then barge past Kain to see what redecorating needs to be done before they move in.]
Kain: *stands outside reading the contract bemusedly* I really must start reading things before I sign them . . .
