[The scene is the 'Nosgothshire Arms'.  Situated at a crossroads on the tracks between the Sanctuary of the Clans and the border of the Razielim Clan lands, it enjoys a steady trade from vampires and suicidal Sarafan alike.  Today there is a great deal of commotion coming from inside, as the Terran forces are about to confront some rather hungry vampires . . .]

Silmuen: *strikes a heroic pose* Back off or feel Precious' wrath!

Vampire 1: What are you going to do, paint us yellow?

Silmuen: Do not underestimate the power of the Emulsion Reaver!

Vampire 1: *laughs uncontrollably*

Vladimir's Angel: (whispers in an aside) I think she's caught Raziel's exclamation disease.

AmuseMe: That'll be the reaver.  Has that effect on people – turns them into proclaimers.

Lilith: Ok, everyone, I have a plan. 

Shadowrayne: Does it involve beer?

Lilith: *tuts*  No it doesn't. On the count of three, throw the Kain dolls at them and run.  One . . .

[The Black Leather Wearing Women from Earth pull out their Kain dolls]

Lilith: two . . .

Vladimir's Angel: Hold on – mine's stuck in my cleavage!

Lilith: three!

Silmuen: *swings the Emulsion Reaver, scattering globs of yellow paint all over the vampires' armour*

The Black Leather Wearing Women from Earth: *pelt the vampires with their mini-Kains*

Lilith: *bolts out the door and comes skidding to a halt about two hundred yards from the tavern.  Stops to take a breath and a look around, then realises no-one else has left the bar.  Stands about looking sheepish for a minute then heads back inside*  

[The vampire ranks are looking decidedly embarrassed, as the Kain dolls have stuck to the globs of emulsion, and they now have Kain-spangled armour.  None of the Black Leather Wearing Women from Earth have left because they are too busy laughing at the blushing undead.]

Shadowrayne: Oh, don't they look cute with their little Kain decorations!

Isca: Stop taking the Mickey out of my men – they have feelings, you know!

Silmuen: You were warned, spawn of Kain!

Isca: Er actually, they're not . . .

Silmuen: But you wouldn't listen – oh no.  Now perhaps you will think twice before messing with me and Precious!

Vladimir's Angel: We have got to get that Emulsion Reaver off her.

Lilith: Never mind the $^£&* Emulsion Reaver – we had a plan - we were supposed to be running away!

AmuseMe: (draped over the bar, flirting shamelessly) We don't have to go just yet, do we?

Unknown Voice: Oh yes you do.

[All heads turn in the direction of the door, where a silhouetted figure is standing with hands on hips looking less than amused]

Isca: *Ducks down behind bar* (whispers) I'm not here.

Freya: *stomps over to the bar, clambers onto a bar stool and leans over* Come out of there, you sneaky little devil!

Isca: *rises slowly to his feet looking decidedly guilty* Hello, dear . . .

Freya: Don't you give me that!  I've been looking for you everywhere – I looked in 'Torment', I looked in 'Nosgoth's Salvation' - I even looked in 'Bloody Paradox' on the offchance, and where do I find you?

Isca: *wrings dishcloth in his claws* Sorry, dear . . .

Freya:  In a BAR with a busload of foreign hussies!

Vladimir's Angel: Hey!  We're not hussies!

AmuseMe: Yeah, I prefer the term 'tart' myself.

Isca: I just needed some 'me' time, y'know . . .

Freya: *looks around the bar*  Some 'you' time, eh?

Isca *nods hopefully*

Freya: With all your mates and a gaggle of fangirls?

Isca: *nods again, less hopefully this time*

Freya: Right.  *reaches over, grabs a pointed ear and hauls Isca over the bar*

Isca: Ow!  Leggo my ear!

Freya: *stomping out of the door with a struggling Isca in tow* Do you know what you left me to face alone at the end of Nosgoth's Salvation?

Isca: No, dear.  If I let you tell me, will you let go of my ear?

Freya: (ignores him).  FLOWERS!

Isca: You have my sympathy, dear.

Freya: And bunnies and hippies and pretty rainbows.

Isca: You're not going to let me forget this, are you?

Freya: (fading into the distance) I might let you make it up to me . . .

*

[Back inside the tavern, the Black Leather Wearing Women from Earth look at the Kain-spangled vampires.

The Kain-spangled vampires look back.]

AmuseMe: So what now?

[The Kain-spangled vampires shrug.]

Lilith: Well, I think we'll just be on our way then.

Vampire 1: *looks around shiftily*  Er . . .yeah.  We were just about to leave anyway.

Vladimir's Angel: Well, it's alright then, isn't it?  We'll all just leave.

[No-one moves]

Silmuen: No! The Emulsion Reaver thirsts for vengeance!  I shall not retreat before these scu . . .

The Black Leather Wearing Women from Earth: *pile on Silmuen, separate her from 'Precious' and drag her out of the bar*

*

[The Black Leather Wearing Women from Earth shortly arrive at the Sanctuary of the Clans]

AmuseMe: You do it.

Shadowrayne: I can't reach the doorknocker – you do it!

Vladimir's Angel: *tuts* I'll do it.  Who'd have thought people'd be squeamish about a wolf's head doorknocker?

AmuseMe: Er . . . V.A. – hold on . . .

Vladimir's Angel: silly buggers . . . Ow! *looks up to see the doorknocker has attempted to bite her finger and backs off hurriedly*  OK, ok . . .someone else knock the door.

Silmuen: (sulkily) Precious could have done it.

[While the Black Leather Wearing Women from Earth argue, the Sanctuary doors open soundlessly.]

Kain: Don't bother, I can hear you all the way from the throne room anyway, you noisy bunch . . .  of  . . . women . . . in leather . . . covered in  . . . *slight pause as the Emperor's brain finally brings him up to speed with the identity of his visitors*  AAAAAAAAAAARGH!  THE CUSTARD WOMEN!   *attempts to slam door*

Lilith: *sticks her foot in the gap*  Actually, we're the Emulsion Women.

Kain: *trying to close the door* Read the sign – 'No salespeople'.

Vladimir's Angel: We're not trying to sell you anything, silly!

Kain: *looks hopeful* You're not?

Lilith: Nope.  We've just come so you can make good on your contract.

Kain: *definitely confused now*  Contract?  What contract?

Vladimir's Angel: This one.  Read it and weep, Kain, the Sanctuary of the Clans belongs to us!

[The Black Leather Wearing Women from Earth cackle in unison, then barge past Kain to see what redecorating needs to be done before they move in.]

Kain: *stands outside reading the contract bemusedly*  I really must start reading things before I sign them . . .