OK well this is my FIRST fanfic so I am aware that it is not very good but I decided to just go with my gut and post it anyways even though I want to work out all the kinks so don't be surprised if it gets reposted.

Disclaimer - Don't own anything, barely own the lil thoughts in my head.

Takes place after "You Shook Me" and "Nobody's Fault But Mine"

Contains the song - Do What You Have to Do by Sarah Mclachlan

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"Jackie I love you," Hyde told.

What ravages of spirit
conjured this temptuous rage

Jackie gripped the bed beneath her as she felt her whole world slip away from her. Steven loved her, she knew he had but he had admitted it. She had wanted to hear those three words from him more than anything else in the world. Even more than those cream colored designer boots Jaclyn Smith sported on the last episode of Charlie's Angels and even more than her infatuation with Ryan O'Neal. But she never thought those words would come out like they did. But they had and she didn't know what to do.

created you a monster
broken by the rules of love


She could feel him looking at her, waiting for a response, any kind of response, but she just continued to chew on her bottom lip, staring down at her freshly painted red toes.
Steven always liked her toes, she had painted them before going to see Steven at his work, before she had run into Roy, before she had gone to the Nurse's Ball, before she had her heart ripped out of her chest.
and fate has lead you through it
you do what you have to do

"Jackie -" he started, causing her to look up at him, her eyes were cold and emotionless. She wasn't crying, no she couldn't. She had no tears left within her. This had happened to her too many times and she knew that things had to change. She had made the promise to herself, Steven had known the promise she had made, and yet here she was, wanting nothing more than to break that promise and just go back to her life. But nothing would ever be the same again, she knew that and she was pretty sure Steven knew it as well by the pained look upon his face.

and fate has led you through it
you do what you have to do ...

How could he say he loved her? He didn't trust her, she highly doubted that he even respected her. No, he couldn't have respected her. If he had loved her, trusted, and respected her, he would have gone to her and not to some slutty nurse. He had pulled a Kelso and to say those words, those words she had been longing to hear and patiently waited for. God, it wasn't fair. She couldn't handle this. She loved him, she loved him more than life. And Jackie Burkhart loved life.

and I have the sense to recognize that
I don't know how to let you go

Jackie looked up at Steven, who was still nervously waiting on an answer from her. He wasn't wearing sunglasses for once making it easy to see the pain in his eyes. Quickly, she looked away, focusing on his lips, the lips that she had kissed so many times. She wondered if she would ever kiss his lips again. She momentarily shut her eyes as the thought of some slutty nurse kissing those same lips entered her mind.

every moment marked
with apparitions of your soul

"Well - I don't love you," the words escaped and she wasn't even sure if she had meant for them too, but it was too late for that. They were out there in the open for Steven to hear. She could feel her knees buckle underneath her and she knew she couldn't handle being near him. She didn't want to see his reaction, not after that, quickly she moved off the bed and past Steven as she rushed down the stairs bare feet and all, she needed air and she needed it now.

I'm ever swiftly moving
trying to escape this desire

Jackie sat, perched on the Pinciotti's step, her arms wrapped tightly around herself, trying to stop the shaking that racked her tiny body and the sobs that threatened to spill. But no, she wouldn't let them. She had lied to Steven but she had done the right thing. She had to do it and she knew that. She looked up at the darkened sky, wondering how long she had been sitting out there. She imagined Steven had already left through the backdoor and was already in the basement with the others. Would he even care, she wondered, would he try to win her back? Could he win her back? Knowing the answer, she heaved a heavy sigh, as she pushed herself off the step and headed back inside the warm house.

the yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do

It had been less than 48 hours since she had seen Steven, she had managed to avoid the basement all weekend, and ignore Donna's incessant questioning, which proved beyond difficult since they not only lived together but also shared a room. But Jackie always shrugged the comments off, she wanted to prove she was strong, stronger than everyone thought, stronger than Steven knew. The others had found everything out shortly after Steven had left Donna's and they had all already formed their own opinions on the breakup and had taken "sides". Jackie didn't want any of that though which is why she had spent the last two days ignoring Kelso's repeated advances. If she couldn't forgive Steven then she certainly wasn't about to get back with cheater number 1. And she did want to get back together with Steven but she couldn't and she didn't know how she was going to handle seeing him.
the yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do

Monday soon rolled around in Point Place, much too soon for everyone, especially Jackie. But she knew she had to endure and Jackie Burkhart would endure in STYLE. So she awoke early to primp the best she could with a broken heart. She wasn't ready for this - she wasn't ready to face Steven and she wasn't ready to face everyone else. But Jackie knew if she could get by the first couple of days than everything would be easier from there. She had learned that with Kelso and though it felt different with Steven, she knew it would prove to be the true. She just didn't know how she was going to resist the urge to touch him, to kiss him, to be with him, to join him for lunch on the hood of his el camino. She resisted the urges though and tried her hardest to be Zen and nonchalant in front of him. They spoke, three or four words at most until Jackie couldn't handle it and ran off into the bathroom. She was stronger but she was still Jackie.

but I have the sense to recognize
that I don't know how
to let you go

Jackie chose to walk home from school and turned down an invitation to go back to the basement with the others, insisting she had to start studying for finals. But really she just couldn't trust herself around Steven. She knew if she spent more than 10 minutes alone with him they would be back together and Jackie couldn't handle that yet. Not until things changed, not until she changed and especially not until he changed. So she went back to the empty Pinciotti house and focused on the new year book in front of her and the glossy photos of her classmates within its pages. She began flipping through the book, scanning it for her own picture, she stopped as she came across the Seniors page and wasn't surprised to see her own face there. She was pictured with everyone in a sweet picture that must have been taken at the beginning of the year since Donna was still pictured with them. Her eyes stopped at the small picture of Steven in the corner, this was the first year he had made an effort to attend school and she was so proud of all the achievements he had made. He was going to graduate and he was going to go to college. He was going to leave her for good.
I don't know how
to let you go

She flipped over the next page and gasped at a large picture of her and Steven, one she had never seen before, or had even known was taken. She remembered that moment, they were in the hall and everyone was just beginning to find out about their fling. He was holding her hand and she was gazing up at him. Even then she could tell she was in love. Their relationship was so different than the one she had shared with Michael. She loved Steven, she wanted to be with Steven, she wanted to make him happy, she wanted him to love her. But she wanted his love for the right reasons. Not just so he would buy her stuff or give her attention but because she loved him and genuinely thought he was the coolest guy she had ever known. He was the coolest guy she would ever know. Silently her fingers fell upon the page, tracing the lines on Steven's face. Her hand then moved up to her cheek as she felt a hot tear slide down it. Looking back down at the yearbook, the image was wet, covered in her many hot tears.
a glowing ember
burning hot
burning slow

Graduation came sooner than expected. It had been just two weeks since the break up, Jackie had managed to keep to herself, going to the basement only once to fetch Donna for Bob. And even then Steven hadn't been there, he had been at work and she was thankful for that. In fact, the two hadn't seen or spoken since that day at school weeks ago. Jackie even worried that he had stopped going to school altogether but Donna had assured her that wasn't the case. He was just needing space away from everyone. He needed space away from her. Jackie almost wished he would have made some kind of effort, something to show that he still loved her, thought about her, cared about her, anything. But there was nothing. He didn't fight for her. He had accepted that they were over and he was moving on, just like she was trying to do. But today, they would see each other and Jackie had mentally prepared herself for that moment for the last week. Thinking of nothing else day and night. She knew she would have to let go. If he had already given up on her than she had no other choice than to do the same.

deep within I'm shaken by the violence
of existing for only you

She let Donna go ahead of her for Graduation after she swore up and down that she would in fact show up for the ceremony. And she was going too, she was looking forward to it in fact. She had never been prouder of any of them. They were all going to graduate and she knew she would have to say goodbye. Not just to Steven but to all of them. They were going to college and she would be staying behind. None of them had an excuse to hang out with her anymore. She wasn't 'the girlfriend' anymore. In fact was already planning to move back into her old home, hoping her mother would come home from Mexico soon enough. She took one final look at her appearance in the mirror, her hair was down and curled up slightly in a feathered look, she had on a white sun dress with tiny red flowers on the print and a yellow cardigan covered her bare shoulders, platform sandals on her feet. She had planned this outfit months before, after the Valentine's Day dance, she knew it would be a special day for her and Steven. Well at least she had thought it would be. Sighing, she picked up the perfectly wrapped blue box and headed down the stairs.

I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do

Jackie sat with the Forman's during the ceremony, keeping her distance from the visiting Laurie. They clapped and cheered as loud as they could from their spots as each of their names were called. Steven was called after Eric, Jackie smiled as she saw him in his cap and gown, he had never looked more proper and less badass in his entire life. He waved as he spotted Kitty and Red in the crowd, his eyes found Jackie's and he mouthed a 'hello'. She nodded politely at him before sitting back down, nervously fiddling the bow on the gift that sat on her small lap. Jackie closed her eyes painfully, trying to keep the tears at bay that threatened to flow out. She looked up as she felt Kitty's hand over her own. She knew what she had to do. She would be okay.

I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do

The ceremony was soon over and everyone was making arrangements to have a get together party at the Forman's. Jackie politely declined the invitation, complaining of allergies, she looked down at her feet, not wanting to see everyone's disappointed faces. Everyone just nodded and went on to arranging plans as they prepared to leave. "Steven," Jackie called as he made his way to the back to change with everyone, he stopped and turned to her. Jackie stood there nervously in front of him, she could feel the stares of the Forman's from behind her and could see the looks coming from everyone behind Steven. She pulled the box from behind her and held it out towards him, "this is for you," she said quietly, chewing on her lip.

and I have sense to recognize but
I don't know how to let you go


Hyde took the box from her, trying to hide the smile that threatened to appear, "that's cool," he said, instinctively leaning in to hug her. Jackie pulled away quickly, "I got to run, ya know those allergies," she said nervously as she gave a small wave to everyone. "Congratulations everyone," she said sweetly, before turning and leaving, out of their view. Hyde looked down at the small blue box that he held in his hands and ripped at the perfect wrapping, opening it as calmly as possible. The box dropped with a thud onto the green grass as he realized what was inside it. His fingers kneaded through the thin cotton material of his worn Led Zeppelin t-shirt, his favorite, that he had given to Jackie for her birthday.

I don't know how to let you go

Bending down he picked up the box and found a small note, with his name 'Steven' sprawled neatly across it. He recognized the writing immediately and tucked the small piece of paper into his hand. Turning towards his friends who waited for him, he put on a forced smile, and headed out back with them.
"I don't know about you guys but I am totally wanting some special film right now," Hyde announced with a smirk as he put his arms around Donna and Eric. Donna looked at him skeptically as the others laughed, "you ok Hyde?" she asked quietly. He nodded, pulling away from the two, and tucked the box safely underneath his arm, the note still held tightly within his palm.

I don't know how to let you go