"The very fear that makes you want to die/Is the same as what keeps you
alive" --The Barenaked Ladies, War on Drugs
Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings or any characters and/or places thereof
Author's note: Chapters will be short for a while. I'm warning everyone of that ahead of time.
*****
The nature of watch shifts changed as the trip progressed. One night Elladan and Elrohir would take shifts of four hours each and sleep four hours each, making up for the loss the next night with a full night's sleep when Legolas and Estel took their shifts.
"Are you sure this will not wear us down?" Legolas asked of Estel, who had designed the new watch system.
"Quite," the mortal boy replied. "On horseback, we will spend not more than a week riding total, and should we ride through the pressure our bodies will adjust. . .I only hope there will be enough time for it to work properly. It seems all right; the time must be nearly up." Estel had lost track of the days.
Elrohir, who rode behind Legolas on the trial, added in, "Yes, Estel; however did you manage the same on foot? That is some feat!" Because there was space enough for only one horse to ride at a time, the boys had formed a line: Elladan leading, followed by Estel, then Legolas and Elrohir bringing up the rear. They chattered gaily as they rode through along the dishonestly jolly-seeming path, the light pleasantly dappled through the leaves. Why, they felt themselves on a ride of pleasure rather than of business!
"Some calluses, I should rather say!" Estel called back in response. The twins chuckled appreciatively, but Legolas did not, for to him Estel did not joke but blocked. Even the elf, having spent little time around the boy, could see clearly how badly affect he had been by the events of Eregion. What had happened to Estel during the run? Legolas could not say. He remembered trying to curb the boy's passion, tripping him over when he refused to stop running, but as for what had overcome the boy who could say?
And then, to the great surprise of all, Estel shakily took in a deep breath and said, "They took my family away from me. What else could I do? I would have given my life for your safety. . .so I ran. Looking back, I remember fires burning in my legs, hurting so I felt the muscles would snap, yet as I ran I felt nothing but need. . .I knew if I failed, if you. . .if anything happened to you. . .it would have been my fault. How could I ever hold up my head again if anything should happen? I did nothing special. I. . ." His voice had been dwindling in strength throughout his speech and now dropped below a whisper. "I almost failed. Almost I never saw you again."
Blood rushed to Estel's cheeks and he hung his head, biting his lip to keep back tears. It was true. He had nearly failed, nearly caused such terrible things to happen. "Oh, Eru," Estel gasped. "Halt!" he cried to the riders behind him. Legolas and Elrohir pulled their reins sharply, watching Estel. The mortal leapt from his horse and fell to his knees beside in to dirt, clutching his stomach as he retched.
Both elves moved to aid the child, but Elladan, who had by tacit agreement been appointed leader of their party, held up his hand and slowly dismounted. He knelt beside Estel and gently pulled loose strands of dark hair away from the boy's face. Cautiously Estel raised his face to gaze at his brother, and Elladan smiled tightly, though he was worried by the pale hue of Estel's skin and the beads of sweat rolling down the boy's cold cheeks. "Elladan," Estel croaked, then quickly shifted to lean over the bushes and was sick again.
Legolas and Elrohir looked on as Elladan rubbed his brother's back and Estel was so copiously ill they were sure he lost more food than he had taken in. The two horses, Elladan's and Estel's, that had been left unattended snorted and stamped, but did not move on. Elladan looked up at the two onlookers. "Water?" he asked them. As he said this Estel whimpered quietly and fought harder against his tears. "Shh, Estel." Elladan held his brother against his chest and petted him to calm him. "Shh, it is all right, Estel, there is no reason to cry."
What Estel said next was muffled by reluctance, but sounded suspiciously like an apology. Elrohir and Legolas joined them now, one of them pressing a container of water into Elladan's hands. "Estel?" Elladan asked gently. "Will you try to drink this, Estel?"
Elladan pressed the container against Estel's lips and tilted it that some water dribbled into Estel's mouth, though for the most part the liquid slithered down his chin. "We must go on. Can you ride, Estel?"
"Of course," Estel replied. He was shaking as he rose to his feet and nearly fell, but ignored the dots dancing before his eyes. "I am not ill, I am fine."
The elves exchanged glances. Elladan gazed about him. "The sun will set soon. As soon as there is a reasonable place for a fire, we will stop for the night," he decreed.
"Elladan, please, not on my account--!"
Elladan interrupted, "Estel, Brother, listen to me! We are all tired, but most importantly, we are nearing Eregion. Watch will be taken in pairs tonight. This is on the account of us all. Now go and mount your horse; there is yet ground to cover before we sleep."
Their earlier trot was curbed to a slow jog, hardly above a walk, until at last Elladan decreed that the space would be adequate for a fire. Without comment Estel began clearing a firepit of debris, Legolas set out the bedrolls and the twins saw to the horses. After so many evenings, their routine had become accustom. But this evening Legolas had a plan. Constantly he watched out of the corner of his eye, and when the twins had taken the horses to water at a nearby stream Legolas said without turning around, "Estel? Do you want to talk about it?"
Estel grabbed a medium-sized rock from the pile he had gathered and set it on the ground beside another rock of similar size. In this manner he lined his firepit. For long moments he was silent, so absorbed in the firepit that he did not notice the approach of Elladan and Elrohir. "When we spoke of the run, I remembered the reason for it. I know I lost my mind, and this I am ashamed of. But I was so frightened! Had anything happened to Elladan and Elrohir, it would have been my fault. Why was I not looking out for them? Why did I not protect them better? If they had been hurt. . .In my head I saw visions, I saw my brothers suffer and I saw them. . .I. . .they were like my father. My--" Estel's voice broke "--my real father. And I was so ashamed, because what if those thoughts, what if they came to pass, just because I thought them?"
Suddenly Estel invoked the name of the Lady of the Stars and leapt to his feet. Bouncing on his heels, he gazed in the direction of the river and was greatly relieved to see his brothers coming back to their camp with the horses, having paused upon hearing Estel's speech and continued as he finished. Sighing, not quite convinced, Estel dropped to his knees and continued forming the ring of stone around the firepit.
Legolas and Elrohir sat first watch that night. "Is something wrong with him, Elrohir?" Legolas asked, glancing at Estel. Though this was not his first encounter with the mortal, the lack of pressure put upon Estel now and his severe depression made him practically a different person.
Elrohir poked at the fire with a stick. "No," he replied. "When Estel was very small he saw his father die and his mother left him to our care. For a time he would shout and cry whenever Ada was not with him, sure that once someone passed from his sight, that person would never come back. Sometimes he has spells, although we thought they had passed. I supposed everyone must have a relapse sometime. He is well. I only wish I had realized earlier!"
Legolas rested his hand on his friend's shoulder. "You know as well as I that all hurts mend in time. Elrohir. . ." Legolas had a sudden idea. "Do you remember when my mother passed to Mandos' Halls, Elrohir?"
Elrohir nodded. "'Twould be difficult to forget. Few events have ever frightened me so as that."
"I keep one of the tunics with me always. Perhaps Estel would benefit having the garment?"
Elrohir knew of what Legolas spoke: Lady CelebrÃan and Legolas had sewn the tunics together, a number of garments patched with grey over the heart. "Surely you would not part with such an item!"
Legolas smiled sadly. He formed a fist and rested the hand over his heart. "I miss Nana, but I no longer weep for her."
*****
To be continued
Reviews always are appreciated!
Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings or any characters and/or places thereof
Author's note: Chapters will be short for a while. I'm warning everyone of that ahead of time.
*****
The nature of watch shifts changed as the trip progressed. One night Elladan and Elrohir would take shifts of four hours each and sleep four hours each, making up for the loss the next night with a full night's sleep when Legolas and Estel took their shifts.
"Are you sure this will not wear us down?" Legolas asked of Estel, who had designed the new watch system.
"Quite," the mortal boy replied. "On horseback, we will spend not more than a week riding total, and should we ride through the pressure our bodies will adjust. . .I only hope there will be enough time for it to work properly. It seems all right; the time must be nearly up." Estel had lost track of the days.
Elrohir, who rode behind Legolas on the trial, added in, "Yes, Estel; however did you manage the same on foot? That is some feat!" Because there was space enough for only one horse to ride at a time, the boys had formed a line: Elladan leading, followed by Estel, then Legolas and Elrohir bringing up the rear. They chattered gaily as they rode through along the dishonestly jolly-seeming path, the light pleasantly dappled through the leaves. Why, they felt themselves on a ride of pleasure rather than of business!
"Some calluses, I should rather say!" Estel called back in response. The twins chuckled appreciatively, but Legolas did not, for to him Estel did not joke but blocked. Even the elf, having spent little time around the boy, could see clearly how badly affect he had been by the events of Eregion. What had happened to Estel during the run? Legolas could not say. He remembered trying to curb the boy's passion, tripping him over when he refused to stop running, but as for what had overcome the boy who could say?
And then, to the great surprise of all, Estel shakily took in a deep breath and said, "They took my family away from me. What else could I do? I would have given my life for your safety. . .so I ran. Looking back, I remember fires burning in my legs, hurting so I felt the muscles would snap, yet as I ran I felt nothing but need. . .I knew if I failed, if you. . .if anything happened to you. . .it would have been my fault. How could I ever hold up my head again if anything should happen? I did nothing special. I. . ." His voice had been dwindling in strength throughout his speech and now dropped below a whisper. "I almost failed. Almost I never saw you again."
Blood rushed to Estel's cheeks and he hung his head, biting his lip to keep back tears. It was true. He had nearly failed, nearly caused such terrible things to happen. "Oh, Eru," Estel gasped. "Halt!" he cried to the riders behind him. Legolas and Elrohir pulled their reins sharply, watching Estel. The mortal leapt from his horse and fell to his knees beside in to dirt, clutching his stomach as he retched.
Both elves moved to aid the child, but Elladan, who had by tacit agreement been appointed leader of their party, held up his hand and slowly dismounted. He knelt beside Estel and gently pulled loose strands of dark hair away from the boy's face. Cautiously Estel raised his face to gaze at his brother, and Elladan smiled tightly, though he was worried by the pale hue of Estel's skin and the beads of sweat rolling down the boy's cold cheeks. "Elladan," Estel croaked, then quickly shifted to lean over the bushes and was sick again.
Legolas and Elrohir looked on as Elladan rubbed his brother's back and Estel was so copiously ill they were sure he lost more food than he had taken in. The two horses, Elladan's and Estel's, that had been left unattended snorted and stamped, but did not move on. Elladan looked up at the two onlookers. "Water?" he asked them. As he said this Estel whimpered quietly and fought harder against his tears. "Shh, Estel." Elladan held his brother against his chest and petted him to calm him. "Shh, it is all right, Estel, there is no reason to cry."
What Estel said next was muffled by reluctance, but sounded suspiciously like an apology. Elrohir and Legolas joined them now, one of them pressing a container of water into Elladan's hands. "Estel?" Elladan asked gently. "Will you try to drink this, Estel?"
Elladan pressed the container against Estel's lips and tilted it that some water dribbled into Estel's mouth, though for the most part the liquid slithered down his chin. "We must go on. Can you ride, Estel?"
"Of course," Estel replied. He was shaking as he rose to his feet and nearly fell, but ignored the dots dancing before his eyes. "I am not ill, I am fine."
The elves exchanged glances. Elladan gazed about him. "The sun will set soon. As soon as there is a reasonable place for a fire, we will stop for the night," he decreed.
"Elladan, please, not on my account--!"
Elladan interrupted, "Estel, Brother, listen to me! We are all tired, but most importantly, we are nearing Eregion. Watch will be taken in pairs tonight. This is on the account of us all. Now go and mount your horse; there is yet ground to cover before we sleep."
Their earlier trot was curbed to a slow jog, hardly above a walk, until at last Elladan decreed that the space would be adequate for a fire. Without comment Estel began clearing a firepit of debris, Legolas set out the bedrolls and the twins saw to the horses. After so many evenings, their routine had become accustom. But this evening Legolas had a plan. Constantly he watched out of the corner of his eye, and when the twins had taken the horses to water at a nearby stream Legolas said without turning around, "Estel? Do you want to talk about it?"
Estel grabbed a medium-sized rock from the pile he had gathered and set it on the ground beside another rock of similar size. In this manner he lined his firepit. For long moments he was silent, so absorbed in the firepit that he did not notice the approach of Elladan and Elrohir. "When we spoke of the run, I remembered the reason for it. I know I lost my mind, and this I am ashamed of. But I was so frightened! Had anything happened to Elladan and Elrohir, it would have been my fault. Why was I not looking out for them? Why did I not protect them better? If they had been hurt. . .In my head I saw visions, I saw my brothers suffer and I saw them. . .I. . .they were like my father. My--" Estel's voice broke "--my real father. And I was so ashamed, because what if those thoughts, what if they came to pass, just because I thought them?"
Suddenly Estel invoked the name of the Lady of the Stars and leapt to his feet. Bouncing on his heels, he gazed in the direction of the river and was greatly relieved to see his brothers coming back to their camp with the horses, having paused upon hearing Estel's speech and continued as he finished. Sighing, not quite convinced, Estel dropped to his knees and continued forming the ring of stone around the firepit.
Legolas and Elrohir sat first watch that night. "Is something wrong with him, Elrohir?" Legolas asked, glancing at Estel. Though this was not his first encounter with the mortal, the lack of pressure put upon Estel now and his severe depression made him practically a different person.
Elrohir poked at the fire with a stick. "No," he replied. "When Estel was very small he saw his father die and his mother left him to our care. For a time he would shout and cry whenever Ada was not with him, sure that once someone passed from his sight, that person would never come back. Sometimes he has spells, although we thought they had passed. I supposed everyone must have a relapse sometime. He is well. I only wish I had realized earlier!"
Legolas rested his hand on his friend's shoulder. "You know as well as I that all hurts mend in time. Elrohir. . ." Legolas had a sudden idea. "Do you remember when my mother passed to Mandos' Halls, Elrohir?"
Elrohir nodded. "'Twould be difficult to forget. Few events have ever frightened me so as that."
"I keep one of the tunics with me always. Perhaps Estel would benefit having the garment?"
Elrohir knew of what Legolas spoke: Lady CelebrÃan and Legolas had sewn the tunics together, a number of garments patched with grey over the heart. "Surely you would not part with such an item!"
Legolas smiled sadly. He formed a fist and rested the hand over his heart. "I miss Nana, but I no longer weep for her."
*****
To be continued
Reviews always are appreciated!
