Chapter 4
Kara was fairly sure that if she had the opportunity, she would have chosen to do anything else in the world before what she was planning to do. She might as well have been going in front of a firing squad as preparing to speak to a man who she'd known for nearly as long as she could remember. She would have preferred the squad, she decided, to the uncertainty of how he would respond.
"Ready?" Lee asked as he prepared to knock on his father's door.
"No," she answered honestly. "But do it anyway."
Shaking his head, he did. The wait wasn't long. Rather than calling them in, William Adama opened the door and stood there looking at them for a moment with a strange expression. She expected him to invite them in, but instead he simply asked, "What's wrong?"
Her jaw dropped. Lee laughed, albeit very tensely. And Kara finally let herself relax a bit. After all, it wasn't like he'd disown his only living son. Would he? She decided abruptly that perhaps relaxation wasn't the right way to go.
"Nothing," Lee said with a shrug. He gave her a sideways glance, and then faced his father. "Everything?"
"Come in," William invited.
Kara's stomach rolled over as he ushered them into his room and gestured to the bed. Lee waited until she'd sat down before he joined her, and they both wound up facing the eldest Adama as he took the single chair in the room. She hoped that Lee had some clue as to what he was going to say, because she couldn't have spoken if her life had depended on it.
"So, are you getting married or having a baby?" he asked simply.
"Damn," Lee said in clear amazement. Kara felt the same way, but she wasn't getting any words out. She wasn't even forming coherent thoughts. Lords, how did he do that?
The Commander laughed. "Well, it isn't often that the two of you show up at my door together," he explained, although neither she nor Lee had voiced the question. "If it was related to duty, you would have come to me in CIC, and if it wasn't involving both of you, I doubt you'd come together." He looked at them a moment more, and with his amusement, Kara felt the knot in her stomach loosen considerably. "So which is it?"
Lee didn't answer. Kara waited, looking from one man to the other and getting progressively more annoyed with the both of them.
"I'm pregnant," she finally said, more to break the silence than to answer the question which was still hanging in the air as though visible.
Adama's smile, which hadn't faltered even in the long silence, widened even more. Kara searched his expression for the condemnation she'd been expecting, but she didn't find it. If anything, there was real excitement in his eyes. "When are you due?" he asked.
Kara looked at Lee, who was staring at her as though she had grown antlers, and finally smiled herself. "I have no idea," she admitted.
"Doctor Salik didn't do much more than the test after she got sick," Lee explained. "He'd already drawn some blood, so I guess he had what he needed from that. Did he say anything about coming back?" Lee asked, and this question was directed at her.
"Not specifically," she told them. "He said to check with Cassie when I was feeling better, but I haven't been back down to Life Station."
"I suggest you do that," the Commander said. "If I'm going to be a grandfather, I'd like to know the details."
Lee had finally relaxed enough to smile, and while Kara felt a world better she was still confused. "You're not mad?" she asked with more than a touch of wonder.
"Why would I be?" he asked.
Kara stared. How far off base had she been?
"It's not as though I didn't know," he told her softly. "Or at least have some idea, although it's not something I like to dwell on. I can't say that I expected it, but I'm not upset about it."
Kara felt as though a weight had been lifted from her. When Lee's hand slid into hers, she knew that he was feeling the same relief.
"I take it you're off the flight roster?" the Commander asked, glancing over at Lee when Kara didn't immediately answer.
"Yes, Sir," he Lee said. "And I'm sure you'll see her name on Salik's report in the morning. He warned me that he had to report all pregnancies."
"So, are you in the bays or on paperwork patrol?"
Kara smiled at the question. "So far I'm in the bays. There's always more than enough to get done on the planes."
"And as you get bigger?" he asked with a smile.
"I hadn't thought about that," Lee said with concern. "You won't be able to slide around under Vipers indefinitely."
"Oh no you don't," she said with a glare at Lee. "You are not pawning your paperwork off on me. I'm not CAG, and it's not my job."
"Well, if I'm pulling your flights," Lee began to argue.
"Not in this lifetime!" she declared. "I hate paperwork."
"And I don't?" he asked.
"It's your job."
"I assign the jobs!"
Before Kara could get worked up into any significant irritation, William Adama began laughing. Lee looked over at his father, and then joined him. After a moment more, Kara gave in and laughed about it herself.
"At the very least you sound married," the older man said as he wiped away tears of mirth.
But the comment brought Kara up short. "It's not something we've talked about," she admitted.
"We've only known for a couple of days," Lee explained.
"You've been living together for a year," Adama remarked, but there was no real accusation in his voice. "Let me know what you decide."
"We didn't" Kara began.
Lee cut her off. "We will, Dad. Right now we're just taking it a step at a time."
"That's the best way," William agreed.
The discussion moved on to other things, but Kara's mind never entirely left the expression on William Adama's face when he'd mentioned how long she and Lee had lived together. They hadn't been lovers all that time, but nonetheless they had been a couple for most of it. She had thought about it more often since finding out about the pregnancy, but only then did it really register what people might think. She told herself that it didn't matter, but she wasn't sure if she was trying to justify it in her mind for others, or to herself.
"
It had been a good evening.
Lee now lay beside Kara on their bed. She'd just gotten out of the shower, and her body was still moist and just a little chilled. As usual, she'd dived under the covers and snuggled in close to get warm. Unlike their usual routine, neither was tired enough to sleep. As far as work had gone, the day had been pure routine. And while Lee had been more than a little worried about talking to his father, the resulting conversation had left him more excited than fatigued. Just as it had been when he and Kara had become involved, his father's blessing had meant a lot. No, it hadn't been a deciding factor, but knowing that his father approved was important to him.
Absently, Lee trailed his hand up Kara's bare leg, past regulation military issue underpants and up beneath her undershirt. His hand rested on the warmth of her stomach, just below her navel. She didn't feel any different. He'd had his hands on her a thousand times, and her body felt no larger, no softer, no different.
"What?" she asked softly as her hand covered his on her stomach.
"Just thinking."
"About?" she prompted.
He smiled. "You. Me. The baby that's in there," he said quietly. "Can you feel it?"
She gave him a smile. "All I feel is you tickling me," she replied. "No, it doesn't feel any different. I think that's one reason it doesn't seem real yet."
"Maybe." He stroked her stomach gently, then moved his hand to place a gentle kiss where it had been. "Do think it's a boy or girl?
Kara seemed to consider that. "I hope it's a boy," she finally said. "I don't think I'd know what to do with a girl."
"You were a girl," he reminded her.
"Only by birth," she told him with a smack to his arm. "Your folks raised me the same way they raised you and Zak. I was just another boy."
With a grin up at her, Lee trailed his hand further up beneath her shirt, stroking one breast. "Definitely not another boy," he told her with a wink. "You turned out just as female as anyone ever was."
"Cute," she remarked, but her hand had gone to cover his. "How about you? Boy or girl?"
Lee considered. When he had thought of children, albeit in some distant future that had included not only Kara but a planet, and home, and a yard with trees to climb, Lee had always pictured little mini-Karas; Blond hair, hazel eyes, and a penchant for getting into trouble. Now that he thought about it, he really didn't know much about girls either. Boys would certainly be easier to understand and relate to, but there was something seductive about the thought of more Karas in the world. "It doesn't matter," he said softly. "But a girl wouldn't be so bad. We'd figure it out."
"Maybe," she allowed. "I guess we get what we get. Wonder how soon Salik will be able to figure out which it is?"
"Do you want to know?"
She shrugged, her fingers threading through his where they remained on her chest. "I think I do. I want to be as prepared as I can be. I'm going to get enough surprises along the way. Why, don't you?"
"I guess," he said. "It'll make picking a name easier."
"A name," she said thoughtfully. "That's going to be fun."
"Sharon and the Chief fought over names for weeks," he told her. "It got pretty nasty there for a while."
"We'll probably do the same thing," she admitted.
"Maybe. But, if it's a boy"
"What?"
He shook his head. He hadn't meant to say anything. In fact, the thought had been pure passing fancy, and he hadn't even realized he'd spoken until she'd gotten an intent look as she watched him. "Nothing."
"Not nothing," she corrected. "Spill it. I know that expression. It's your I'm afraid she's gonna be mad so I'm not going to say it' expression, and it won't fly. If it's a boy, what?"
He took a deep breath and let it out before bringing his eyes back to hers. "Zak might be a nice name," he finally said. "If it doesn't bother you. But if it does"
"I think Zak would be a great name," she interrupted. "It's okay to remember him, Lee, and I think that would be a great way. He deserves to be remembered."
Lee nodded, then laid his head on the pillow as he continued to stroke Kara's body. He wasn't really thinking as he did it, but instead was just enjoying the soft skin and warm resilience of her flesh.
"Do you think your dad would be okay with Iilya as a girl's name?" Kara asked quietly.
Lee smiled. "I think he'd love it," he admitted.
"That was too easy," she muttered. "Tyrol and Sharon snapped at each other for a month before they settled on names."
"We have a more common past," Lee reasoned. "The same people were important to both of us. I guess that makes it easier."
At some point during the discussion, Kara had joined him in the gentle petting and playing that they'd always enjoyed. Some nights it led to making love, and others it just served as pure entertainment on both sides. Lee wasn't sure which way tonight would go, but it didn't matter.
He'd been reluctant to suggest anything in the past couple of days. Aside from Kara's frequent illnesses, he still held on to the feeling that this was what had gotten them into their situation in the first place. While no one seemed to have a problem with it, he was still a lot more traditional in many ways than he'd thought. He'd been taught that things were supposed to occur in order: love, marriage, and then baby. He had never been one to get things out of order so badly before.
"Kara?"
"Hmm?" she answered, her hands doing a bit more exploring than he was able to ignore. Apparently, if she was holding him responsible for her current physical state, she wasn't holding it against him.
But he didn't have a clue how to ask what he wanted to. He wasn't even sure if he should. In general, when things were going well, it wasn't a good idea to rock the boat. This might be the equivalent of a tidal wave, and he didn't know if he should even be thinking in that direction.
"What?" she prompted, her hand coming to a stop about four inches above where he really would have liked it to be. He'd gotten himself into this. He supposed he might as well follow through.
He leaned up on one elbow so that he could face her, eye to eye. He watched her expression for a moment, just a little confused but not upset, and he tried to will her to understand his next words. It wasn't sensible, but then neither was the suggestion. "Marry me."
He wasn't sure what he'd expected as a reaction. He would have liked for her to throw her arms around him and squeal her delight. That wasn't Kara, but it was a nice thought. He would have settled for a simple yes' or even a desire to think about it, which seemed more in keeping with her personality. He was half afraid she'd slap him, although why he had no idea. Instead, she merely looked at him. Minutes dragged by, and her expression was completely unreadable, as though time had come to a halt and he was the only one still living in real-time. For a moment, he even thought that maybe he hadn't said anything. He'd heard the words, hadn't he? Had she?
"Why?"
Of all the reactions, her simple question asked after so many minutes of silence threw him off balance. "Why?"
"That's what I asked. Why?"
He shrugged. "The usual reasons, I guess. I love you. We're good together."
"And I'm pregnant," she concluded.
"I'm not asking because of that," he explained. "Or in spite of it. I just I don't know. Maybe I want to make this legal. I won't deny that I'd like my child to have my name, but that's not why I asked."
"Fair enough," she agreed, in a tone that was far too reasonable for the emotions that were beginning to coarse through him. "Then, why now?"
He took a deep breath, let it out explosively, and scooted back from her. "Hell if I know," he muttered. "It seemed like a good idea at the time."
"So don't get mad because I'm taking a minute to catch up," she warned him, and at least there was something besides the damned logic that he'd heard before. "You've always said the piece of paper didn't matter. I'm just asking what changed? If it's not the baby, then what?"
"I don't know," he admitted, rolling onto his back and crossing his arms reflexively. He should have known this was a really bad idea. But he hadn't planned it; it had just slipped out.
"Lee, don't get mad. Hell, I didn't even answer yet."
"I noticed," he ground out. "Forget I asked."
Kara was silent again, but now she was on the opposite side of the narrow bed, and that was a telling thing as there wasn't much space to choose from. He was surprised how much it hurt. No, he hadn't really expected her to jump into his arms — he had hoped, but not expected it — but neither had he expected her to analyze his motives. And it stung that she would, and it bothered him that she still hadn't answered, although at least she hadn't told him no' outright, and he supposed he should be glad for that. But he wasn't. He had just asked her to marry him, to live with him forever and raise children and all the rest, and she wanted to know why? Well hell, if she couldn't figure it out after being together this long, then there was no point in trying to explain it to her.
"So you're taking it back?" she asked softly. There was something in her voice that bothered him, but he was a little too involved in feeling miserable to care.
"I don't care either way," he lied. "Take it or leave it or ignore it. Do whatever the hell you want; you will anyway."
He knew he wasn't being fair. Frak, he was being absolutely petulant, even if he didn't seem to be able to stop it. He knew he wasn't being fair, or rational, or anything else that he normally was. But the bottom line was that at this moment Kara had all the control over their future, and he hated being helpless. Normally he felt that they were on equal footing, but at the moment she was way ahead and he'd put himself out there and he was just dangling. It was as though he was at the end of a rope, and she was standing there with a knife and he didn't know whether or not she might use it.
"Lee, look at me."
He thought about turning his back to continue his pout, but he knew she'd just get out of bed to come face him, and then she'd be cold and he'd feel guilty, and there just wasn't a point. He turned and faced her, certain that every fear was clear for her to see. He hadn't felt this vulnerable since hell, he'd never felt like this.
"I didn't say no," she told him softly. "I just I don't want you to ask because you feel obligated. The baby will have your name either way; it's yours. You don't have to we don't have to do this because of the baby."
"It's not about the baby, okay?" he reiterated.
"Then why now?"
"Because now is when I thought about it," he said in exasperation. "And it sounded like a good idea at the time.
Kara reached forward and laid her hand along his cheek, stroking his lower lip with her thumb. "I love you," she told him gently.
And that helped. A lot. "I love you, too."
"But I can't answer you," she told him, and he could have sworn her eyes looked awfully moist. "Lee, I've been engaged before, and it didn't turn out happily ever after."
"So this is about Zak," he decided, wondering if his brother's shadow would ever lift from their relationship.
"No," she corrected. "It's about me. When I told him yes, my reasons were not what they should have been. You deserve better than that. So, I need some time to think. I'm sorry if that's the wrong thing to say, but I don't want to mess this up by saying the first thing that pops into my head, or saying what I think you want to hear without considering what it means."
It still stung. Not just the delay — although he'd expected it — but the reference to his brother. He hated to be reminded that Zak had had her first. That was childish, but it hit him at odd moments like this one. He had been the big brother. He was the one that was supposed to lead the way. Instead, he felt like he was following far behind.
"Fine," he told her. "Let me know when you decide something.:
He closed his eyes, his arms still crossed over his chest, doing his best to ignore Kara and his own hurting heart. Why the hell had he even brought it up? He should have known she wouldn't understand. Hell, he didn't even understand what had pushed the words out almost involuntarily.
"Lee?"
He took another breath, let it out, and opened his eyes to face her. "What?"
"Are you too mad to hold me?" she asked, and her voice seemed painfully soft. He went from angry to guilty in the blink of an eye, disgusted with himself and her and every other damned thing he could think of.
"Come here," he said, opening his arms. She scooted over and wrapped her arms firmly around his body, resting her head on his chest. They lay that way for a moment before his arms tightened around her, and he let out a sigh. "I'm sorry."
"Me, too."
He felt her arms squeeze, and he tightened his grip. "I love you," he said, and he didn't know if he was saying it for her benefit or his.
"Me too," she said again.
And for the moment, it was enough.
