Chapter 5

During the next week, it wasn't easy for Kara to forget the conversation that had started so wonderfully and wound up so very uncomfortable. Despite how far they'd come together, her loving Zak was still a barrier between herself and Lee. No, it wasn't insurmountable, but it was there. When she least expected it, she was reminded that life wasn't easy.

Thankfully Lee hadn't again brought up the subject of marriage. Ironically, she wasn't opposed to being married; she believed in marriage. She just couldn't go thorough what she had when she'd lost Zak. Not again. Logically, she was well aware that being engaged to Lee wouldn't make him mean any more or any less to her than he did now, but logic wasn't what was guiding her. Emotion reminded her that engagement could end in pain and loss. She couldn't lose Lee. She didn't think she'd survive it. She preferred to keep their relationship both unofficial and safe. If it didn't make sense to anyone but her, then she'd have to live with it. She just wished that it hadn't hurt Lee so much.

And he was hurt. Nothing she could say would change that. She could see it in his eyes when he looked at her, and she felt it in his embrace. He was angry, too. He didn't touch her unless she specifically asked, which she had done more in the last week than she ever had in memory. She couldn't even really get mad back, because when she asked he did just want she requested. She was hoping that he would get over her side-stepping an answer, and to some extent she supposed he had, but the distance was still there.

In any case she didn't have a lot of time to think about it. Staying busy wasn't an issue. While she was fairly sure his father had been joking about the matter, Lee had managed to shuffle over half of his paperwork in her direction. She wasn't enjoying it. But it was easier than crawling up under Raptors and welding new parts. Repairs she could manage, but building from scratch was out of her league and she knew it.

So her days had been spent divided between the desk up in CIC and the flight deck. Unlike Lee, she preferred not to use the isolated desk in their room. They still hadn't made public the fact that she was pregnant, but Kara was sure that there were those with their suspicions. A visit to Cassie in the Life Station had set her up with an appointment the following week to find out just when she was due and make sure that all her blood was still as it should be. Kara hadn't decided if she was going to take Lee with her or not. She supposed she should, but in his present mood she wasn't relaxed having him around. On the other hand, being there really was his right, and she had less relaxed when he was not around. She had no clue what to do about it.

At the moment, the only thing she was managing was to mess up the performance evaluation roster. They were no longer evaluating on the same schedule that they had used in peacetime, but performance ratings still had to be issued to maintain some type of quality control. No one liked the evaluator duties, and they liked even less to be evaluated themselves, but she had to assign someone. Still, coordinating that roster with the flight roster, and the repair roster, and still making sure that everyone had time to rest and eat Well, it was getting on her nerves.

And the computers she was using to coordinate it all were up on the second deck of CIC. That meant that Tigh was roaming around beneath her, and she was damned sure that Adama had told him about the baby. There was just something in his look that was suspicious. Kara didn't trust it.

"Everything balancing out?" Dee asked her as the dark-haired woman stood to take some paperwork from her own station.

"Not even close," Kara grumbled. "No wonder Lee passed this off to me."

Dee laughed at that. "He gripes about it, too," she admitted. "I offered to do that for him if he'd relay reports for a few hours. He decided that he'd rather do paperwork. I can offer you the same"

"Hell, no," Kara said with a smirk. "All the salutes would make me nuts."

"Then quit complaining," Dee advised.

"Right."

"Have you eaten?" Dee asked. "Or are you meeting Lee?"

"He's on patrol," Kara said. "He won't be back until late."

"Argument?" she asked.

Kara shook her head. "Not exactly. Just a difference of opinion. Anyway, he's covering his shift and mine, so he just stuck them back-to-back. He likes the long flights, so it wasn't a big deal."

"You want to stretch your legs?" Dee asked. "After I drop these off I'm going to grab lunch."

Kara thought for a moment. It had not been one of her better mornings, so she could probably use something to eat. "Okay. Let me finish here, and I'll meet you on the way out."

"Five minutes?"

"Sounds good," Kara agreed.

While Dee was doing her few errands, Kara closed up the program she was using and saved it to her clipboard. She didn't mind the inconvenience that not having a network caused, but there were times that she felt it would easier to just keep everything on one computer instead of carrying some and leaving the rest. But CIC needed a record of everything, so each of their boards had to be hooked up manually and downloaded periodically. It was just one of those things that she did without really considering it.

She felt a twinge in her side as she stood, and winced as she felt a tug in her lower abdomen. That was weird, she thought. Not painful, but just strange. She dismissed the feeling as she walked down the steps to the first deck of CIC and met Dee at the door.

They chatted a bit as they walked to the Officers' mess. Once there, each of them ordered a sandwich and waited while it was prepared. Kara much preferred this to the synthetic nutritional supplements that they'd eaten for the first months of their journey. Once at the talble, she and Dee were soon joined by Sharon and Julie, who were two of the Raptor pilots that remained in Blue Squadron even though they chose not to fly any longer. Sharon stayed on the Galactica because she had a toddler to care for, and Julie simply had lost her liking for the Raptors after one electrical malfunction too many. They were still important members of the team, though. Sharon managed the repair rosters on the Raptors and Vipers, and Julie helped out in the launch bays and in traffic control. It wasn't always easy to coordinate launches and landings so that someone was always in the air, and yet none of the spacecraft connected, but so far they'd managed to avoid space collisions with their military craft. Some of the civilian ships hadn't been so fortunate.

While they were eating, the subject came up of Kara's recent grounding. "When is Lee going to put you back in the air?" Sharon asked between mouthfuls of sandwich.

"It'll be awhile," Kara said evasively. She and Lee hadn't really discussed telling others, so she wasn't sure just what to say.

"Tyrol still mad about you puking in his plane?" Sharon asked with a wink. Once they'd gotten past the imminent danger of asphyxiation, most of the crew had found it pretty funny that the almighty Starbuck had lost her cookies over a flight.

"Not exactly," Kara admitted, deciding that she might as well get it over with. "I'm just out of the cockpit for a while."

"You get into trouble?" Julie asked with concern. "How long are you grounded for?"

"Nine months, definitely," Kara said sheepishly. "After that, we'll take it as it comes."

The table was silent for just a moment as the implication of her statement settled in, and then squeals of congratulations and a hundred questions started coming her way. Truthfully, Kara didn't mind. It was good to see someone excited about the situation, even if it wasn't her. Lee had started out that way, but the whole marriage discussion seemed to have tempered his enthusiasm for just about everything. It was nice to have someone happy for her, even if it was just casual friends.

"I have a ton of things you can use," Sharon was saying. "Baby things aren't too easy to come by, so I tucked them away when Aaron grew out of them."

"That would be great," Kara admitted, only now realizing just how many things they would need to acquire for the new arrival.

"Will you fly afterwards?" Dee asked.

"Yes," Kara answered quickly.

"I couldn't do it," Sharon admitted sheepishly. "I'm scared to death to leave the baby. I guess that's just me."

"I can understand it," Kara said. "I just can imagine how I'll feel. Well," she admitted honestly. "Maybe I can't, but it's still pretty new."

None of them seemed to think she was the least bit selfish or out of line because she was needing time to get used to the idea of motherhood. They weren't condemning or attacking her. It was kind of nice actually, because they seemed to have some of the same concerns without her fear added in. It made her feel a little less selfish.

They talked through most of lunch, then Dee and Cindy headed back to work. While Sharon and Kara were clearing the table, her friend asked the one question that Kara had been dreading. "How's Lee taking it?"

Kara shrugged. "Okay at first. Now I don't know."

"Getting nervous?" Sharon asked with a wink. "You play, you pay."

"No," Kara admitted. "He was okay with the baby. He is okay with it, but" She took a deep breath before continuing. Most of her heart-to-heart conversations had been with Lee, so it was hard to open up to anyone else. Checking to be sure that they weren't within earshot of anyone she knew, she told Sharon, "He asked me to marry him."

Sharon's eyes widened in surprise and delight. "Oh, Kara that's wonderful! Are you going to do it before the baby's born, or wait until afterwards so you can have some time to plan it?"

"I didn't say yes," Kara corrected softly. Sharon's face fell, and it might have been funny if it hadn't reminded Kara of the way Lee had looked. She hastened to add, "I didn't say no, I just I don't know. It's all happening so fast. I can't even sort it all out."

"Is that why you two are never in the same place at the same time, now?" Sharon asked.

"I think I guess I hurt his feelings or something. Lords, it isn't even about him. I tried to explain that, but he just shut down."

Sharon smiled sadly. "Men do that," she said wisely. "But it's usually our fault. We know what we're thinking, but they can't read our minds. And they think differently. You need to sit him down and just talk to him. Let him know you love him. You do love him, right?" Sharon asked with concern.

At that, Kara did smile. "Yeah, I do."

Sharon's smile returned. "So tell him, and then keep telling him until it gets through that thick male skull. And remember, they're fragile. Those tough-guys don't have a clue how soft their hearts are, and they bruise really easily. I've sure bruised Tyrol more than his fair share, and usually when I least intended it."

"Like when?"

"Like over the baby's name. He wanted Aaron, and just threw it out there. I kinda shrugged it off because it seemed pretty silly. He didn't tell me it was his dad's name, and I didn't think to ask why he'd suggested it, so I couldn't figure out why the hell he didn't speak to me for a week." She shook her head with a smile. "Marriage is an adventure. But you know that."

"I'm not married." Kara argued.

Sharon shook her head and her smile faded. "Yeah, you are. You just don't have the paper and you haven't had a priest give approval. Everything you do and everything you say, it's all just what you'd do if you had a ring on your finger. It's not different, Kara. Not at all."

"It feels different," Kara argued. "Marriage just seems so permanent."

"And a baby isn't?"

"That isn't what I mean," Kara said. "I want it to be permanent. I can't ever imagine being without him."

"And that's what you need to tell him," Sharon told her pointedly.

"I already have."

Sharon shook her head in exasperation. "Then do it again, and again, and again until he gets it straight. Kara, he feels the same way. It's so damned obvious that it's almost comical. He literally lights up when you're around, or even when you're not and someone just mentions you. Men just don't know how to say that so that we understand it. Or maybe they do," she corrected. "He asked you to marry him. Isn't that telling you?"

"I didn't say no," Kara reiterated in frustration.

"You didn't have to," Sharon explained. "You didn't say yes."

Lee checked the minimal instrumentation in the Viper and mentally compared it to the stars around him. By necessity, Vipers carried little in the way of scanning devices. It was one reason that a Raptor usually accompanied squadrons. The pilots could worry about the fighting, while the Raptor kept back out of the way and made sure that the Viper pilot knew what was where. That was how they'd all been trained.

But at the moment, the Galactica was in possession of nearly forty Vipers and only six Raptors. Between the fuel issues and the lack of replacement parts, their Raptors were reserved for times when jumping was necessary. For routine patrols, they had to use Vipers. Unfortunately, using them for long distance reconnaissance was a time-consuming solution at best. Long patrols were three and a half hours out, turn, and four hours back. By the time a pilot made it back for a shower and some sleep, he was ready to drop over.

But here Lee was. It wasn't his patrol. Hell, technically it wasn't supposed to be a long patrol. But his shift had backed up to one that Kara had been scheduled for, so he'd added the four-hour flights together and was making a solo distance search of the area surrounding the Galactica. To make matters worse, he was doing it without a wingman, which he would have forbidden anyone else to do. But at the time he'd been angry, and getting as far from the Galactica as humanly possible had seemed to be a damned fine idea.

Now, four hours into the patrol, he really wished he'd found another way to deal with being mad at her. If he was mad. Hell, he didn't know what he was. How was he supposed to feel when the woman he was in love with — the woman who was having his child — didn't want to marry him? She had been perfectly willing to marry Zak, but she wouldn't marry him. What was wrong with that picture?

Lee didn't often think about his brother in relation to Kara anymore. They had used to be almost one in his head — Kara and Zak, Zak and Kara. Probably because they had never been seen apart off duty. The funny part — the really hysterical part — was that Lee had not been able to understand what it the world Zak had seen in Kara. Sure, she'd been a pilot, and a damned fine one at that. And yes, she'd been attractive, but no more or less than any other girl that was common around the Academy. And yeah, she'd been fun, but again no more than anyone else. In fact, she'd been a little too much fun for Lee's tastes. She'd been more interested in having a good time than getting work done, and the only time she'd been really serious had been in the seat of a Viper. He had liked Kara, and had respected her on duty, but he hadn't understood what the younger man had seen in her to have him head-over-heels.

Now, Lee knew. He knew how much life was in those huge eyes that were never the same color twice. He knew how much humor was in her, and how she could bring his spirits back up after even the longest mission, the worst news, or the hardest task. He knew how soft she was, and warm, and sweet. He knew how perfectly she fit him, physically and mentally and even professionally. He knew her. And for some reason, it was that knowing that bothered him when he thought about Kara and his brother as a couple. Again, it wasn't something he did often, but unfortunately it was on his mind now.

Lee could remember when Zak had told him that he had planned to propose. Lee had laughed it off, thinking that Kara would never say yes. Kara? Married? She had been the most independent person he had ever known. Even when she was with Zak — and at the time they'd been nearly inseparable — she had kept a wall around herself. It had always amazed Lee how she did it. Zak had been closer to her than anyone, and yet even he never seemed to get too close. Lee had actually been worried about his younger brother's feelings when Zak had shown him the ring and told what he was scheming. Lee had only hoped that Kara broke his heart gently.

The next morning, Zak had bee smiling from ear to ear, Kara had been shy for the first time in Lee's memory, and on her left hand there had been a small but obvious diamond ring. She'd said yes. She hadn't thought about it, or questioned it she had just said yes. Then, for the next six months, she and Zak had been even more inseparable than they'd been before.

Gradually, Lee had gotten used to the idea of having Kara as a sister. It wasn't too far off from what he'd grown up with, although he had still shaken his head at Zak's choice. To Lee, Kara had been one of the guys. You didn't marry one of the guys. And you certainly didn't sleep with one! That hadn't really been a path that Lee let his mind drift down often. It had been pretty easy to avoid. While Zak had kept his hands on Kara most of the time, she hadn't really returned the gestures. Lee had thought she'd been just naturally reserved, but now that he considered it, he realized that there might have been more to it.

Come to think of it, Kara was usually the first to initiate contact between Lee and herself now. She was always reaching for his hand, putting an arm around him, and lately even asking for hugs. Verbally. Had she changed that much? Or had there been a message then that he had been missing? Maybe she had just grown up. Most likely, she had just done the same thing that Lee had, and had realized that life was too short to spend it alone.

But wasn't that what she was saying if she didn't want to marry him? He had thought that her pregnancy just might nudge her in his direction, but it hadn't happened. Not exactly. And yet neither had it really pushed her away; not if he was honest with himself. He had done that. He had pushed because for the first time they hadn't been thinking the same thing at the same time with regards to their relationship. It seemed almost childish to him now, but at the time had had been suffering from both surprise and a seriously bruised ego. After nearly five hours on a patrol with no one to talk to and nothing to think of beyond his present situation, her rejection didn't seem quite so permanent. That or he was getting used to it. Either way it was probably a good thing.

Lee checked the chronometer on the display and saw that he was only an hour from the Galactica. Where had the time gone? He was right on schedule, both by the instruments and the stars, so the time must have been right. It worried him slightly that he'd been so absorbed in his own thoughts for so long. He'd been essentially on auto-pilot, and that wasn't procedure for a solo flight. It wasn't really procedure for any flight. He needed to get his head out of his ass, or he was going to get himself into trouble.

Half an hour later, he began to get some voice traffic between the fleet ships. The sporadic chatter after hours of silence was a relief. He never really felt cut-off in his Viper, but there was a certain amount of isolation that was inevitable. He could admit to relief that he was nearing the fleet. And if it also meant that he'd be seeing Kara soon, then he didn't mind that either.

They had parted on fairly good terms that morning, all things considered. He'd gotten up early, gone for a run, and showered. But he was still dressing when she had gotten up. He had given her a quick kiss, and then Lee had taken off out of the room like a shot. Warm and soft from sleep, Kara was damned tempting, and it had been too long since they had done much more than cuddle. He supposed that was as much his fault as anything, but it didn't change the fact that her sleepy smile had a predictable effect on his anatomy, and he hadn't wanted to spend eight hours miserable in a Viper.

He was regretting his haste now. Would it have been so hard to have just held her for a minute before he'd left? Did she miss that as much as he did? Probably, given that she was asking for him now and she'd never done that before. Then again, he'd usually been so close that she hadn't had reason. Either it was that, or they were simply so far apart mentally on the one issue — marriage — that she didn't trust him to be with her on anything else. That thought worried him. He wanted to be there for her. He wanted her to be there for him. How in hell had it all gotten so messed up?

"Galactica, this is Viper four-one-nine, requesting approach on port landing bay."

He waited a moment for acknowledgement. "Viper four-one-nine, this is Shooter. Welcome back. Anything we need to know prior to landing?"

"Negative," Lee answered. "Quadrant is clear."

"Excellent. Prepare for landing on port bay. You are cleared to land."

With an unconscious smile, Lee maneuvered his Viper into the bay and set her down on the deck. He was shutting down systems even as the magnetic locks engaged and began to take him down into the ship. By the red glow of flashing lights, Lee cut off engines and popped the seal on his helmet. By the time the light level was normal, he had his helmet off and was releasing his cockpit so that he could pass his helmet out and grab the electronic clipboard that he needed to download his mission data and complete the remainder of his reports.

He was tired, and his back ached from being in the same position for eight hours, but he was a lot more interested in finding Kara than he was finishing his paperwork. If he had taken the time to worry about it, he might have been surprised with his distraction. He was normally far more worried about mission follow-up, and it wasn't like him to rush through post-mission procedures, just as it hadn't been like him to zone-out during a long patrol. But at the moment he needed to see a friendly face, and maybe this evening it would be him that was asking for the hug. Whatever happened, he knew it was time that he and Kara came to some sort of an understanding, because when his personal life started affecting his work he knew he needed to reevaluate