Chapter 7
She felt like a pincushion.
Kara Thrace lay on the cot in Life Station and thought of the thousand things she'd rather be doing than having needles stuck in her arm. Lee was standing over to the side of cot, watching quietly. He hadn't said much since he'd pushed her through the hatch into the Station and ordered her to talk to the doctor. If she hadn't loved him so much for it she might have hit him. She hadn't hit him in a long time; it would have felt good.
But instead she'd spoken to the tech on duty, and wished desperately that it had been Cassie. If she had to give her moans and groans to someone, she would have preferred that it was a friend rather than a stranger. Kara had been taken to the back of the empty bay where she was told to lay down on a stretcher and wait. Even as Lee had settled into a seat next to her he hadn't said a word. The tech had come back moments later and had taken four tubes of blood out of her arm, leaving the plastic catheter from the needle in her arm, sticking some tubing on it, and taping it in place. At least Kara thought that meant she wouldn't get stuck again; they could use the hole they'd already made. She knew he was worried, but she still felt like he was making a big deal out of nothing. And if her stomach still felt sore, then she tried not to think about it. She hated being sick.
If she was honest with herself, she was terrified that something was wrong. She had nothing more than her illness to guide her suspicions, but to her something felt off. She wanted very much to be wrong, and coming to the doctor seemed to give a validity to her worries that she wasn't prepared to deal with.
"Good morning," Doctor Salik said as he walked through the bay and towards her. He wasn't looking up, but instead was looking at the clipboard he carried. "Although from what I heard it wasn't a good night."
She gave a shrug and leaned up on one elbow. She didn't want to take whatever he was going to say lying down — figuratively or literally. "I was a little sick. It happens quite a bit, and you said that was normal."
"Occasional sickness is normal. How often are you throwing up?"
She thought about it, but didn't get a chance to answer. "At least twice a day," Lee said from behind her. "Sometimes just once, but usually she throws up until there's nothing left."
"And then I feel fine afterwards," she added hastily, not at all pleased with Lee's speaking for her. Damn it, she could take care of herself. And if she hadn't felt that way last night, then she'd just get over it.
"You've lost almost five pounds," the doctor commented with a raised eyebrow. "Are you keeping anything down?"
"Yes," she answered. Frak. Kara had known when the tech had asked her to stand on the scale that she was going to be in trouble.
"Not much," Lee added.
Salik smiled and shook his head.
Kara failed to see the humor in the situation. "You can go," she told Lee pointedly. "The doctor's here, and I'm sure he won't let me run away."
"I'll stay," Lee informed her.
"Actually, you'll have a seat outside," Salik corrected, and there was only a trace of his grin now. "I need to do an examination, and I don't want you giving a critique. Go on out, and let Rebecca know that I'll need some help."
Kara was amused for the first time that morning. Lee had been put in his place, and she felt a rather vindictive pleasure that someone had the power to tell him off, even if it had been both reasonable and appropriate. But then Lee leaned over and kissed her gently on the forehead before standing to leave the room, and she couldn't even stay aggravated with him. He was just worried. How could she fault him for the same feelings that were plaguing her?
"Now," Salik said as Lee left the room. "Where are you hurting, and how much?"
She didn't want to do this, but now that she was here she decided honesty was her best approach. "Right here," she said, pointing to her lower abdomen. "Mostly on the right. And it doesn't hurt exactly, but it feels I don't know. Achy?"
"You tell me," he said as he gestured for her to lie on her back. She did so, and without removing her clothes he placed firm pressure over the sore area with his fingers. She couldn't hold back a small gasp. "Sounds like more than an ache," he said with some concern. "And I don't like some of your blood tests. You're dehydrated, although not dangerously so, and also anemic. Why haven't you been in to get checked?"
"I have an appointment day-after-tomorrow," she told him.
He raised one eyebrow but didn't comment. "How about here?" he asked as he pressed again, this time towards her left side. There was still pain, but nothing like the other side.
"Not bad," she said, and then turned her head as she heard the squeak of a rolling cart and saw the tech she'd met earlier coming in with more supplies than she liked the look of. Aside from gloves and the instruments she was familiar with from her annual exams, there were a lot of other things there that she didn't want to know anything about.
"I'll need everything off from the waist down," Salik told Kara. "I'll have to do an exam. It will be a lot like your annual, so it's nothing to worry about. It will give me an idea of the size and position of the uterus, we'll find any tender spots and try to figure out what they are, and we'll get your initial cultures ready for the lab."
"Cultures?" Kara asked as she accepted the sheet the tech was holding out to her. She released her belt and lifted her hips to push her pants down, grateful that she'd put on running shoes rather than her regulation boots; they were easy to kick off. When her lower body was unclothed and the sheet was over her, she did her best to relax on the table. She hated these exams, and she always had. There were just some places that a doctor's hands didn't belong.
"We'll swab the cervix," he told her. "Find out if there's any infection there that might be a problem during pregnancy or delivery. That's most of it."
"Oh," she said, but she still couldn't relax.
She didn't enjoy the next few minutes at all. True to his word, the doctor looked at her, in her, and did a few things that were frankly painful. The worst had involved one hand inside and one outside with her body squished between. It had been all she could do not to come up off the table. He had asked her where the pain was on a scale of one to ten. She had placed it around twenty-five. Even after he had finished and had pulled her sheet back up, she could still feel the echoes of the sharp pain he'd caused.
Next, he pulled over a device she'd seen before. He ran it over her lower abdomen, watching the screen on it with all his attention. He muttered a few things to the tech, and she noted them on a clipboard, but he didn't say anything she could really understand. In fact, she noted that the doctor was much quieter than he usually was. Normally Salik was good for a joke or comment to lighten a situation. She had noticed it even when she'd been very badly hurt. His silence now worried her more than the concerned expression on his face. She kept reminding herself not to worry — that he would tell her if anything was wrong — but she wasn't feeling any better.
"Okay, Becka. Thanks. I have what I need." The doctor looked at Kara and spoke gently. Very gently. "Do you want to have Captain Adama in here while we talk about this?"
Fear seemed to settle onto her like a blanket. She nodded, because she couldn't get any words out, and the doctor told the tech to send Lee in. Kara swallowed a couple of times, but the knot in her throat wouldn't go away. When Lee seemed to materialize at her side, she reached for a hand and held on. She hadn't even seen him walk in.
"What is it?" Lee asked, but his question was directed at the doctor, not her. His hand was a solid warmth in hers, reminding her that she wasn't alone in this whatever it was.
"In general, the exam went well," the doctor told them. "But there are a few things that are concerning me. The first is your weight loss," he told Kara with a pointed look. "I'm going to have a tech put in an IV to get some fluids in you. That's the first step. My second concern is some swelling in the right ovary. That might be an infection, or it may just be a reaction to the normal pregnancy hormones combined with the residual hormones from the contraceptive injection. We'll have to watch it either way, and I'll be giving you an antibiotic just to be on the safe side. Any questions so far?"
Kara looked over at Lee, and he shook his head. She did the same. "Not so far," Kara told Salik. "What else?"
"My exam showed a small amount of bleeding from the cervix. Have you had any spotting, Lieutenant Thrace?"
She shook her head at that.
"Then for now I'll hope that it was from the examination itself. It's not uncommon, but given the other symptoms you've had, I'm concerned that this might be the early stages of a miscarriage. Given that you've had no bleeding, I'm going to allow you to go back to work and resume normal activities when you feel you're able. Use your judgement, and if you have any cramping or bleeding, you call me immediately. Understood?"
Both Lee and Kara nodded in unison.
"Finally, I need to tell you that there are no guarantees with pregnancy, especially this early on. From your uterine size, I'd say you're somewhere between six and eight weeks along, and that's a very tenuous time for a pregnancy. The next few weeks will be critical, and if there is anything wrong with the baby itself, it's very likely that you may miscarry. I'm not saying that will happen, but I think it's better if you're prepared for the possibility."
"Is the baby okay so far?" Kara asked softly.
"It's too early to find a heartbeat or to safely run a check on chromosomal development. Keep in mind, many women lose pregnancies this early without ever knowing they were pregnant. Had it not been for your incident in the Viper, you wouldn't know yourself that you were pregnant, and chances are we'd be treating you for the flu or checking for appendicits. Knowing about the baby this early is a mixed blessing; it gives us a heads-up for trouble, but there are times when ignorance is easier. Aside from watching you closely, keeping you hydrated, and making sure you aren't doing anything strenuous there's really not a lot we can do except wait."
Kara couldn't think of anything more to say. She looked up at Lee, and his face echoed the same concern that she was feeling. It seemed that just as they were becoming used to the possibility of parenthood, losing the baby was a very real possibility. Kara hadn't realized just how attached she'd become to the tiny life within her until she had faced the thought of losing it.
"Is there any danger to Kara?" Lee asked the doctor.
"Not immediately," Salik told them. "If there's any bleeding at all, or pain more severe than what you've experienced so far, then you need to call me. Don't wait, don't try to walk, and as difficult as it is don't worry. We can be cautious, but nature is pretty good at knowing what's right for both you and the baby. If the pregnancy continues for the next few weeks, most likely everything will be fine. But if it doesn't, the chances are very high that there's a good reason for your body terminating it. Conception is a true miracle; so many things must happen in just the right way that it's amazing the human race has survived. Far more conceptions end spontaneously than develop into babies. It's not a comforting thought, but it's the truth."
Lee carefully escorted Kara into their room and towards the bed. She sat down quietly, scooting back so that she could lift her legs and rest her back against the wall at the head of the bed. He closed the door behind them and just watched her for a moment. She had been far too quiet in the last few hours.
He had sat with her while the tech had hooked up an IV and had given her several bags of fluid. She hadn't spoken during the small meal she'd eaten in Life Station — a meal she'd had to keep down before the doctor would release her. She hadn't spoken on the walk back to their room. He didn't know what she was thinking, but Lee knew that he needed to find out. Silence between them had never been a good thing.
"How are you feeling?" he asked, taking a seat on the edge of the bed.
She shook her head, but didn't speak.
"Kara, I need you to talk to me."
"I'm not hurting," she said, but her voice was monotone and not at all like her. "And I'm not sick. I'm okay." She let out a laugh that was completely humorless. "I've been saying that a lot, haven't I? I'm okay.' Hell, I don't know what I am; even the doctor doesn't know."
"So don't tell my about what you're body is doing," he said softly. "Let me know what you're thinking."
She shook her head again. "Lee, I just don't know," she admitted. "There's a big part of me that wonders if it wouldn't be better if this if we didn't have a baby right now. And I hate that, and it's awful, but I can't help wondering if maybe it would be better."
"That's fair," he said, trying not to let the words wound him. He had known she wanted to wait before considering children. It really didn't surprise him that being offered the possibility of a way out could be a relief. It would put her back on flight status, and it would get things back to normal.
"But even though it would be easier," she said softly. "I'm kind of used to the idea of having it. It would mean a lot of changes, but other couples manage to do it. And it's not like we're all that young, or that we have forever to do this. If we want children — more than one anyway — we really don't have all that long to wait before we'd need to start. So maybe having it would be best." She shook her head, confusion clear in her expression. "Lee, I don't even know what I want," she admitted. "And that's probably best, because we don't have a real choice one way or the other. But I hate the not knowing. If everything was fine, or if we knew it was over — Lords, either one would be better than this waiting."
He let out a deep sigh. "I know that. But like you said, we don't get a choice." He thought a moment, then moved up onto the bed to sit next to her and draw her into his embrace. She came willingly, clinging just a little, letting him know that she had needed this as much as he had.
He wanted the baby. As selfish as it might be, he was already attached to the idea of being a father. It surprised him, because they'd never set out to do this, but the feeling was strong just the same. He wanted this baby. He wanted to see Kara round and waddling, and he wanted to see his child born, and he wanted to hold it, and name it, and raise it. It had very little to do with his age or Kara's, but everything to do with wanting to see what the two of them together had made. He didn't want it to end; not this way.
"What about you?" she asked, smoothing her cheek against his chest to move the hair out of her face. "If you could decide what would happen?"
He debated telling her the truth. She might be more comforted if he was less certain, but he didn't want to lie to her. "I want the baby," he admitted.
Kara nodded, but didn't otherwise respond. He wanted so much to know what she was thinking, and feeling. Her next words caught him off guard. "I don't want to tell your dad," she said softly.
"Hmm?"
"We don't know anything," she explained. "Salik says it can go either way. If everything's fine, this will worry him for nothing, and if we lose the baby then he'll know it soon enough. I don't think we should tell him."
Lee nodded. It made sense. "What about telling other people?" he asked. "Do we want to wait until we know more before we start letting people know you're pregnant?"
"It doesn't matter," she admitted reluctantly. "I've already told a couple of people. Sharon and Dee know, and Julie too. By now half of CIC and the deck probably know why I'm on light duty." She took a deep breath before continuing, and he could hear that her voice was close to breaking. "I'm sorry," she told him. "I didn't know anything would go wrong. I thought"
"Shh," he whispered, kissing her lightly on the forehead. "You couldn't have known. And everything may be fine. We just have to wait and see."
She nodded. "What about work?" she asked.
"Not this week," he told her. "We'll make up something to keep you in bed for a day or two, just to be safe. You're tired, and the rest certainly won't hurt."
"Salik didn't say I had to rest," she argued.
"Salik doesn't know how little sleep you've had in the last week," Lee reminded her. "You're going to be tired enough that you start making mistakes, and until we know more your mind won't be on what you're doing anyway. You're due for a break. Besides, I make the schedules, and as long as they clear Tigh you don't get a choice in the matter."
"Thanks a lot," she muttered, but he was sure that he heard relief in her tone.
"If everything stays the same, I'll put you back up in CIC next week. By then we should have some idea of how this is going to go.
"Lee?"
He tightened his arms around her, giving a gentle squeeze. He didn't know if she needed it, or if he did. "What?"
"I love you."
He smiled at that. "I love you, too."
"And I don't want to lose the baby," she said, her voice finally breaking. "I want him."
A relief that Lee didn't fully understand washed over him, even as his heart broke over the pain her admission caused. For her, it would have been easier if she hadn't wanted the pregnancy to continue; the disappointment would have been less if things didn't go the way he wanted. Now he knew that she was as emotionally invested in the baby as he was, and it wasn't a comfortable place to be. Losing it would hurt more. And as Salik had told them, there was nothing they could do about it either way.
So Lee did what he could. He held Kara as she cried herself to sleep, and did his best not to do the same — either in the crying or the sleeping. He would do some shift juggling so that he could have duty in a couple of hours, because he would worry about her less if he knew that she was resting while he was gone. For the next couple of days, he'd try to be with her when she was awake, just in case anything went wrong. Intellectually, he knew that his presence didn't really matter, but he didn't think he'd have any luck getting that message into his heart. So until things were a little more certain, Kara was going to be stuck with him as a shadow.
Somehow, he didn't really think she'd mind.
