Happy Final Fantasy's
By: Burger and Panduh
Disclaimer:
UberBurger: People...I have some very sad news....were being sent to disclaimer camp...
Panduh: *sugar high has worn off* WHAT?! NOOOOOOO!!!!! .......what's that?
UberBurger: Apparently do to the damage we caused last chapter, we need to go to this 'camp' to learn how to do disclaimers properly.
Panduh: ....that sucks...
UberBurger: Yah.....
*drill sergeant appears*
Drill Sergeant: UBER-BURGER AND PANDUH DO NOT OWN SQUARESOFT, SQUARE-ENIX OR ANY FINAL FANTASY INSTALLMENT!!!
UberBurger &Panduh: *collectively groan*
************************************************
Scene Three, Quistis fan-club studio.
Annoying intro-voice: Heeeello and welcome to the Quistis fan-club show. Starring, of course, QUISTIS!!!!!!
(Clap, clap, clap.....)
Quistis: Hello and welcome everybody to the first official episode of the Quistis fan-club!!!!
Quistis: Alright, today I've played a nasty trick on our resident bastard, Sephiroth. Lately the silver-haired maniac has been going into 'fads'. Tonight, we gave him a fake list of fads! Lets see what happened shall we? *giggle giggle*
*screen pans to the T.V*
(In Shinra mansion)
Sephiroth: *pacing around* Hojo was such a gayford, he knew nothing of fads! NOTHING! Isn't that right mother?
Camera man: *sneaks in and gives Sephiroth the fad list, and eyes the masamune nervously* Er..here you go, Mr. Psychopathic killer person.... Heh- heh. *Runs away*
Sephiroth: OH THANK YOU!!!! I'VE GOT A.....*pokemon victory music plays in the background* FAD LIST!!!!
Sephiroth: Okay lets see here....the current fad is sailor fuku's with pig- tails....Fad remains 10 minutes!!!! I'll be right back!!!! *rushes off*
(Screen pans back to an amused Quistis)
Quistis: We'll return after a word from our sponsors to see Sephiroth's new look!
*commercial break*
Chocobo billy: Buy Chocobo Burgers! Its good and what for dinner! If it ain't Chocobo, its crap!!!
Chocobo: Wark wark!!! (Only 10 gil a patti!) ******* Ultimecia: Call in to Ultimecia's love line! We've been dealing with love potions for the last 10,000 years! Its guaranteed to stop time!
*end commercial break*
Quistis: Welcome back! And now back to Sephiroth and his new look!
****** (back in Shinra mansion)
Sephiroth: *now in Sailor fuku with pigtails* How do I look!!!
Camera man: *trying hardest not to crack up* Oh.....simply...lovely...Oh yes...we brought a friend of yours to take a look at your new style.
Sephiroth: Oh goodie! *walks out into library*
Cloud: Gah! Where were you, you were supposed to say something stupid and throw the gravity material at me and....*notices what Sephiroth looks like and cracks up*
Sephiroth: *frowns* I have no idea what you're laughing at. *gets into high- pitched gay voice* I mean like look at your pants Cloud! Just look at them! There so like...baggy on you! Like grow into them Cloud, grow!
Cloud: *stunned, soul flies out of his body*
Cid: *jumps down from the roof and lands on Sephiroth's shoulders.*
Cid: *lights cigarette* Want a marbolo?
Sephiroth: *takes it* Is this a new fad???
Cid: I dunno know....
Sephiroth: I think it is!!! *steals his pack of cigarette's and run's away*
Cid: *sighs* Some people just don't understand......
(Back at Quistis Fan-club studio)
Quistis: Well now, that was interesting! By the way, don't you think the guy Cid is a little suspicious?
Audience: *mutter mumble*
Quistis: *loads shot-gun* I SAID...don't you think that guy Cid looks suspicious??
Audience: ^^;;;; YES THAT GUY LOOKS SUSPICIOUS!!!
Quistis: Anyway, tune in next time when we have an In-depth look at the man, Cid Highwind!!! Bye!!!!!
*************
Scene four: Wutai
Cid: *hack* *cough* (Hasn't had a cigarette since Sephiroth stole his pack)
Yuffie: My poor beautiful home! It's a...a....TOURIST TRAP!!!! *bursts out in tears*
Cid: *hack* Here have a *cough* tick-tack. *hack* *cough*
*Sephiroth appears, dawning his usual black outfit again.*
Sephiroth: WHERE IS THAT CAMERA MAN WHO GAVE ME THAT BOGUS FAD-LIST!!!! IM GOING TO CHOP HIS HEAD OFF AND GIVE IT TO JENOVA AS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT!!!!! GAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! *whips masamune around, and accidentally lodges it into a nearby wooden post*
Sephiroth: Argh!! *pull* *tug* (Masamune wont budge) Hey-you-can-I-please-have-a-Marbolo!!!!! (Has become addicted ever since the Nibelheim incident)
Cid: Ugh...I kinda don't have...*gulp*...anymore cigarettes.
Sephiroth: *stops moving altogether. If you listen closely, you can hear what's left of his grip on sanity dies* ............
Cid:.......
Sephiroth: WHAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTT???!!!!!!! *Pulls out masamune all in one movement, the wooden pole falls over and crashes onto the ground* You..will.....die........
Cid: *gulp* Mother or pearl!!! *Runs away*
Sephiroth: COME BACK HERE!!! *Chases after him*
(Yuffie flings her hands in the air)
Yuffie: Have you all lost your MINDS??!!
Sephiroth: *calls back* Basically.
(Sephiroth and cid exit)
Quistis: *approaches Yuffie, camera man in Tow*
Yuffie: Oh..hi...Quistis *forced smile*
Quistis: Hee-hee, look at Cid run. You wouldn't think a hick like him could run so fast.
Yuffie: *fuming* This all you and you're damn show's fault!!!
Quistis: Aw...does Yuffie have a little crush on Cid and doesn't want him to get huuurrttttt?
Yuffie: GOD DAMNIT! THAT'S NONE OF YOUR *bleep* BUISNESS YOU *bleep*!!!!
*Quistis take out chain whip and Yuffie takes out 4-point shurken*
BATTLE
BATTLE
BATTLE
*End result, Quistis is tied up with her own whip, Yuffie has various shurken's sticking out of her arms and a black eye*
Tifa: *comes out of a gift shop* You guys fight like wimps.
Yuffie: Well it took you two hits to knock out Cid! That's pathetic.
Tifa: (There not supposed to know that...) And where did you hear THAT?
Yuffie: The news. It was broadcasted ALL over television world-wide.
Tifa: (My reputation gone before my very eyes.....)
Yuffie: Afraid to admit it Tifa?
Tifa: (This is just...great....)
Quistis: UMPH! UMPH!! *mouth is tied up by whip*
Yuffie: Shut it Quistis.
Quistis: *struggle* *tried to get untied*
Tifa: Anyway, getting to the point. Where is Cloud?
*Cloud runs by*
Cloud: I WANT THAT GRAVITY MATERIA SEPHIROTH!!!! I KNOW YOU HAVE IT!!!!! *Notices Tifa* Oh shit.....*runs off*
Tifa: YOU'RE NOT GETTING AWAY MISTER!!!! *chases after him*
Yuffie: Er...I should go help him...*runs after Tifa*
(Quistis finally gets untangled by the camera men)
Quistis: After them! We've got a story to shoot!
* The ghetto Diagram!!!! *
*;;; ( * ( * ( * ( * ( * (Cid) (Sephiroth) (Cloud) (Tifa) (Yuffie) (Quistis and co.)
Quistis: *while running backwards and smiling into the camera* Welcome everybody! Today, as promised, is the in-depth look on Cid Highwind! Cid is (of course) a drunk. He sits all day smoking Marbolo's and drinking beer. Well today we've got him on camera!
Quistis: *points towards the fleeing Cid*
Cid: *running for his life and notices a tree up ahead* Ah-hah! Try this!
*The second Ghetto diagram!*
* ( Cid
+
|( tree * ( Sephiroth *( Cloud *( Tifa *( Yuffie *( Quistis and co.
Quistis and basically everyone else: *hits tree*
Quistis: That's...all....for tonight folks *falls unconscious*
Cid: HAHAHA!!!! Finally I don't get the crap beaten out of me! *run's into a palm tree, coconut falls on his head*
Cid: Urghhh....*falls backwards into the sea*
Cid: *falls on emerald weapon*
Emerald weapon: RAWGH!!!!
Cid: er.....want a marbolo?
Emerald weapon: RAAAAAAWWGGHHHH!!!!!
Cid: *gasp* Is that a yes?
Emerald weapon: RAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWGHHHHHH!!!!
Cid: Gah!!! Have my whole pack!!!!!
Emerald weapon: erm.......
*Emerald weapon takes out cigarette and tries to light it under-water*
*cigarette doesn't light*
Emerald weapon: RAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Cid: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! *quickly swims out of water*
Cid: Oh my god! I forgot my pack!!!
(Emerald weapon rises from the water)
Cid: HOLY SHIT!!!!! *Steals back his pack*
Emerald weapon: RAWGHHH!
Cid: *runs away*
Emerald weapon: Ermmm........ *tally marks a page*
Emerald weapon: Fifteen people already today! RAWGHHH!!!!!!
By: Burger and Panduh
Disclaimer:
UberBurger: People...I have some very sad news....were being sent to disclaimer camp...
Panduh: *sugar high has worn off* WHAT?! NOOOOOOO!!!!! .......what's that?
UberBurger: Apparently do to the damage we caused last chapter, we need to go to this 'camp' to learn how to do disclaimers properly.
Panduh: ....that sucks...
UberBurger: Yah.....
*drill sergeant appears*
Drill Sergeant: UBER-BURGER AND PANDUH DO NOT OWN SQUARESOFT, SQUARE-ENIX OR ANY FINAL FANTASY INSTALLMENT!!!
UberBurger &Panduh: *collectively groan*
************************************************
Scene Three, Quistis fan-club studio.
Annoying intro-voice: Heeeello and welcome to the Quistis fan-club show. Starring, of course, QUISTIS!!!!!!
(Clap, clap, clap.....)
Quistis: Hello and welcome everybody to the first official episode of the Quistis fan-club!!!!
Quistis: Alright, today I've played a nasty trick on our resident bastard, Sephiroth. Lately the silver-haired maniac has been going into 'fads'. Tonight, we gave him a fake list of fads! Lets see what happened shall we? *giggle giggle*
*screen pans to the T.V*
(In Shinra mansion)
Sephiroth: *pacing around* Hojo was such a gayford, he knew nothing of fads! NOTHING! Isn't that right mother?
Camera man: *sneaks in and gives Sephiroth the fad list, and eyes the masamune nervously* Er..here you go, Mr. Psychopathic killer person.... Heh- heh. *Runs away*
Sephiroth: OH THANK YOU!!!! I'VE GOT A.....*pokemon victory music plays in the background* FAD LIST!!!!
Sephiroth: Okay lets see here....the current fad is sailor fuku's with pig- tails....Fad remains 10 minutes!!!! I'll be right back!!!! *rushes off*
(Screen pans back to an amused Quistis)
Quistis: We'll return after a word from our sponsors to see Sephiroth's new look!
*commercial break*
Chocobo billy: Buy Chocobo Burgers! Its good and what for dinner! If it ain't Chocobo, its crap!!!
Chocobo: Wark wark!!! (Only 10 gil a patti!) ******* Ultimecia: Call in to Ultimecia's love line! We've been dealing with love potions for the last 10,000 years! Its guaranteed to stop time!
*end commercial break*
Quistis: Welcome back! And now back to Sephiroth and his new look!
****** (back in Shinra mansion)
Sephiroth: *now in Sailor fuku with pigtails* How do I look!!!
Camera man: *trying hardest not to crack up* Oh.....simply...lovely...Oh yes...we brought a friend of yours to take a look at your new style.
Sephiroth: Oh goodie! *walks out into library*
Cloud: Gah! Where were you, you were supposed to say something stupid and throw the gravity material at me and....*notices what Sephiroth looks like and cracks up*
Sephiroth: *frowns* I have no idea what you're laughing at. *gets into high- pitched gay voice* I mean like look at your pants Cloud! Just look at them! There so like...baggy on you! Like grow into them Cloud, grow!
Cloud: *stunned, soul flies out of his body*
Cid: *jumps down from the roof and lands on Sephiroth's shoulders.*
Cid: *lights cigarette* Want a marbolo?
Sephiroth: *takes it* Is this a new fad???
Cid: I dunno know....
Sephiroth: I think it is!!! *steals his pack of cigarette's and run's away*
Cid: *sighs* Some people just don't understand......
(Back at Quistis Fan-club studio)
Quistis: Well now, that was interesting! By the way, don't you think the guy Cid is a little suspicious?
Audience: *mutter mumble*
Quistis: *loads shot-gun* I SAID...don't you think that guy Cid looks suspicious??
Audience: ^^;;;; YES THAT GUY LOOKS SUSPICIOUS!!!
Quistis: Anyway, tune in next time when we have an In-depth look at the man, Cid Highwind!!! Bye!!!!!
*************
Scene four: Wutai
Cid: *hack* *cough* (Hasn't had a cigarette since Sephiroth stole his pack)
Yuffie: My poor beautiful home! It's a...a....TOURIST TRAP!!!! *bursts out in tears*
Cid: *hack* Here have a *cough* tick-tack. *hack* *cough*
*Sephiroth appears, dawning his usual black outfit again.*
Sephiroth: WHERE IS THAT CAMERA MAN WHO GAVE ME THAT BOGUS FAD-LIST!!!! IM GOING TO CHOP HIS HEAD OFF AND GIVE IT TO JENOVA AS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT!!!!! GAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! *whips masamune around, and accidentally lodges it into a nearby wooden post*
Sephiroth: Argh!! *pull* *tug* (Masamune wont budge) Hey-you-can-I-please-have-a-Marbolo!!!!! (Has become addicted ever since the Nibelheim incident)
Cid: Ugh...I kinda don't have...*gulp*...anymore cigarettes.
Sephiroth: *stops moving altogether. If you listen closely, you can hear what's left of his grip on sanity dies* ............
Cid:.......
Sephiroth: WHAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTT???!!!!!!! *Pulls out masamune all in one movement, the wooden pole falls over and crashes onto the ground* You..will.....die........
Cid: *gulp* Mother or pearl!!! *Runs away*
Sephiroth: COME BACK HERE!!! *Chases after him*
(Yuffie flings her hands in the air)
Yuffie: Have you all lost your MINDS??!!
Sephiroth: *calls back* Basically.
(Sephiroth and cid exit)
Quistis: *approaches Yuffie, camera man in Tow*
Yuffie: Oh..hi...Quistis *forced smile*
Quistis: Hee-hee, look at Cid run. You wouldn't think a hick like him could run so fast.
Yuffie: *fuming* This all you and you're damn show's fault!!!
Quistis: Aw...does Yuffie have a little crush on Cid and doesn't want him to get huuurrttttt?
Yuffie: GOD DAMNIT! THAT'S NONE OF YOUR *bleep* BUISNESS YOU *bleep*!!!!
*Quistis take out chain whip and Yuffie takes out 4-point shurken*
BATTLE
BATTLE
BATTLE
*End result, Quistis is tied up with her own whip, Yuffie has various shurken's sticking out of her arms and a black eye*
Tifa: *comes out of a gift shop* You guys fight like wimps.
Yuffie: Well it took you two hits to knock out Cid! That's pathetic.
Tifa: (There not supposed to know that...) And where did you hear THAT?
Yuffie: The news. It was broadcasted ALL over television world-wide.
Tifa: (My reputation gone before my very eyes.....)
Yuffie: Afraid to admit it Tifa?
Tifa: (This is just...great....)
Quistis: UMPH! UMPH!! *mouth is tied up by whip*
Yuffie: Shut it Quistis.
Quistis: *struggle* *tried to get untied*
Tifa: Anyway, getting to the point. Where is Cloud?
*Cloud runs by*
Cloud: I WANT THAT GRAVITY MATERIA SEPHIROTH!!!! I KNOW YOU HAVE IT!!!!! *Notices Tifa* Oh shit.....*runs off*
Tifa: YOU'RE NOT GETTING AWAY MISTER!!!! *chases after him*
Yuffie: Er...I should go help him...*runs after Tifa*
(Quistis finally gets untangled by the camera men)
Quistis: After them! We've got a story to shoot!
* The ghetto Diagram!!!! *
*;;; ( * ( * ( * ( * ( * (Cid) (Sephiroth) (Cloud) (Tifa) (Yuffie) (Quistis and co.)
Quistis: *while running backwards and smiling into the camera* Welcome everybody! Today, as promised, is the in-depth look on Cid Highwind! Cid is (of course) a drunk. He sits all day smoking Marbolo's and drinking beer. Well today we've got him on camera!
Quistis: *points towards the fleeing Cid*
Cid: *running for his life and notices a tree up ahead* Ah-hah! Try this!
*The second Ghetto diagram!*
* ( Cid
+
|( tree * ( Sephiroth *( Cloud *( Tifa *( Yuffie *( Quistis and co.
Quistis and basically everyone else: *hits tree*
Quistis: That's...all....for tonight folks *falls unconscious*
Cid: HAHAHA!!!! Finally I don't get the crap beaten out of me! *run's into a palm tree, coconut falls on his head*
Cid: Urghhh....*falls backwards into the sea*
Cid: *falls on emerald weapon*
Emerald weapon: RAWGH!!!!
Cid: er.....want a marbolo?
Emerald weapon: RAAAAAAWWGGHHHH!!!!!
Cid: *gasp* Is that a yes?
Emerald weapon: RAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWGHHHHHH!!!!
Cid: Gah!!! Have my whole pack!!!!!
Emerald weapon: erm.......
*Emerald weapon takes out cigarette and tries to light it under-water*
*cigarette doesn't light*
Emerald weapon: RAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Cid: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! *quickly swims out of water*
Cid: Oh my god! I forgot my pack!!!
(Emerald weapon rises from the water)
Cid: HOLY SHIT!!!!! *Steals back his pack*
Emerald weapon: RAWGHHH!
Cid: *runs away*
Emerald weapon: Ermmm........ *tally marks a page*
Emerald weapon: Fifteen people already today! RAWGHHH!!!!!!
