The first time I lied
I run, I hide, but I never lie. That was my slogan. Then I met you. You stirred things in me that I thought I'd left behind, thought I would never feel again.
The moment I saw you, I knew. My life could never be the same. You stood there holding a gun at a young girl and I thought 'What is this guy doing?!' But in the split second after a raised my gun and before I fired, I took a second look and my stomach flipped. You were beautiful. There was no other word for it. So at the last possible second, I pulled my shot, only hit you in the shoulder instead of killing you.
After I got to know you a bit and the five of us gundam pilots became partners, I was captivated by you. You were an enigma, an impossibly hard to crack stone, but I was determined to make you open up to me. Of course, it didn't work. You remained as distant as ever, no matter what I did. You were more involved with your laptop than the human world.
But then there came the day when you opened up a little. No one else noticed, but I was watching you when you did it. You laughed. It was the first time I'd ever heard you laugh, and my heart rose to new heights. I was flying on that laugh. But then your guard rose again and it was like it had never happened.
I was in love with you by that time. At first it had just been curiosity, mixed with a teensy bit of lust, but the more I saw of you, the more I wanted to see. I wanted to look into your eyes forever and see your soul. The few glimpses I got weren't enough to satisfy me. They just teased my appetite and made it sharper.
The others slowly began to guess about my feelings toward you, and I never denied it to them. I wouldn't lie. But I never admitted them either. Then one day, they got it into their heads to leave us alone. All day. In a one room cabin. I was about to go insane, but you just sat there with your laptop, typing away. Finally, I started bugging you. It was the only thing I could think of to do. I like bugging people.
At last you turned to me and said the typical, "Omae o korosu."
I ignored you. It was silly, really, but I had the feeling that if I stopped being silly for a minute, I would start being sappy. And it wouldn't be long before you found out how I felt about you. I couldn't allow that. There was no way you would feel the same, and I wasn't about to ruin our tentative friendship for that.
That was the way the rest of the day went, except you eventually gave up on the "Omae o korosu," and just started giving me the patented death glare. Until I broke. I was quiet for maybe five minutes.
"Heero, have you ever been in love?" Oh, God. I was so dead. What the hell was I thinking, asking a question like that? But I had to follow through.
You didn't answer me.
"Heero? Did you hear me?"
"Yes, Duo, I heard you." You sounded almost sincere. And you used my name in a sentence that wasn't 'Duo no baka.' And strung more than three words together. It was scary, but I kept going.
"With who?"
"That's none of your business. Go away, Duo."
That was the end of our conversation for the day. I sat still for a long while, for me, before the others came back to find you on your laptop and me staring at the door half an hour later. They glanced around suspiciously, but didn't comment.
Things went on like always for a while after that, until the next time we were left alone, about a month later. We were rooming together, and I couldn't sleep. Of course, you weren't sleeping, so I started annoying you. Then I started feeling that sappy thing coming on again and decided that I was better off counting sheep.
I lay there for a long time, until you climbed into the bed across the room and tried to sleep as well. I could tell you weren't asleep, and I couldn't stop myself anymore.
"Heero? Who are you in love with?"
Of course you ignored me. You always did. But I persisted.
"Heero? Why can't you tell me?"
"Duo, shut up. For once in your life, just shut up."
I could tell you didn't want to talk anymore. But I kept on.
"Heero, I wouldn't tell anyone."
"Baka, it's not who you would tell, it's that you would know. Now go to sleep." Great, I was back at baka.
"I'm in love with someone, Heero. And if you asked, I would tell you." Oh, now I was in deep shit. I had promised myself I wouldn't tell you, and there I go, telling you I would, if you asked.
"Okay. Who is it?" And you had to be in a talkative mood. I panicked.
"It's… it's… Heero, you weren't supposed to ask!"
"But I did. Now tell me, or else you'll have lied to me." You knew how important my honesty was to me. But saving my friendship with you was more important. So I did something I'd never done before.
"It's… Wufei." I knew you knew I was lying, and I felt horrible for having done it at all. But it was out and there was no way I was gonna be able to stop this now. You sat up in your bed and I saw the most sincere expression I'd ever seen on you. And you looked sad. Sad, because I had lied to you. And then I knew it was over.
You lay back down and turned away from me. I didn't even try to get anything else out of you. There was no way to regain your trust now.
The next few days were horrible. It was like the lie had left a bad taste in my mouth, and there was no way to wash it out. I prayed for forgiveness, I confessed to a priest, worked hard to do everything right and never once considered lying again, but still the taste was there. That feeling that I would never be clean again. At last I decided to talk to Trowa.
It was weird, most people felt more comfortable with Quatre, but I liked talking with Trowa. He would never tell a secret, because he barely ever talked anyway. And he had a way of giving good advice just by rewording what you said. And I guess he was easy to talk to because he was a lot like you. It was like having you in a different body and willing to talk with me. Not really, not at all, but I liked to pretend. It was the only thing I could do.
"So I lied to him because I didn't want him to know! And now I feel horrible, it's like I'll never be clean again." Trowa thought for a moment.
"Duo, your religion teaches that you have to confess your wrongs, correct?"
"Yes, but I told you, I did that already!"
"But who are you supposed to confess to, Duo? Just some random priest who probably doesn't care? Me?"
"Well, who else am I supposed to confess to?" I didn't want to hear Trowa's answer because I was pretty sure what it would be, but I heard it anyhow.
"What if you confessed to the person you wronged?"
"But I can't tell Heero! He'll know I lied to him, and he'll figure out why, and then our friendship will be ruined!"
"Didn't you say you thought he already knew you had lied? Your friendship is still the same as always, isn't it?"
"Yes, but maybe he's just waiting for me to admit it! The he'll hate me!"
"I do not think he will hate you. Now go, before you decide my advice is completely worthless."
I went quietly back to my room. I wanted to think about this before I told Heero. What if he hated me? I didn't think I could take that. What if he didn't care and let me down gently? That would be even worse. After about five minutes of quiet, I couldn't stand it anymore. I ran across the hall to see Heero coming out of his room.
"Heero, I need to talk to you!"
"Hn."
"Can we go in your room?"
"Hn." You turned and went in. I followed cautiously. You didn't sound like you were in a very good mood.
You sat down in front of your laptop and started typing, so I situated myself on your bed, careful not to disturb the sheets that were folded down with military precision.
"Heero? Could you please turn around? I have something serious to say." Surprisingly, you did as I asked. You stared at me, not the normal death glare, just staring, like you were trying to figure something out.
Finally I couldn't stand the silence. I had to say what I came here to say. "Heero, I lied to you the other night. I'm not in love with Wufei."
"I know." You took the news very calmly, then turned back to your laptop as if our conversation was over.
"Aren't you mad?"
"No."
"Do you want to know why I lied?"
"No."
"Do you want to know who I'm really in love with?" You didn't respond for a minute or two, but at last you said, "No. Go away, Duo."
So I left. I know, I know. I should have stayed and told you. But you didn't ask and I didn't really want to tell you. I was relieved. I was certain that the bad feeling I had would go away now that I had confessed. A day later, I was back with Trowa.
"I told him Trowa! And I still feel horrible!"
"What did you tell him? The truth?
"I told him that I had lied, and he said he already knew, and that he wasn't mad."
"Did you apologize? Or ask him to forgive you? Or did you simply say, 'Heero, I lied to you.'?"
"Oh. So I still need to apologize?"
"Yes."
"Okay, well, I'll go do it then! See ya later buddy!"
"Okay. But Duo?"
"Yeah?"
"It might be better if you told him the truth. The whole truth."
"You mean, tell him how I feel? No, I can't. He'll hate me!"
"All right then, don't. That is just my opinion. You are not obligated to follow my advice."
I meandered slowly back towards your room. I knew Trowa was right, that I should tell you how I felt. But I couldn't. I knew that you wouldn't like it, that you would hate me. And if I ever saw hate directed at me through those piercing cobalt eyes of yours, I would die. Just… die, whether it was from the power of your gaze, or my own broken heart.
"Heero? Can I come in?"
"Hn." It was a yes.
I slowly opened the door far enough to slip in, and was surprised to see you sitting on your bed, which was not made up, with a book and not your precious laptop. I was momentarily taken aback, but told myself that maybe this was a good sign.
"Um, I wanted to tell you… I'm sorry. For lying to you."
"Hn." You were immersed in your book.
"Heero? Can you… forgive me?"
"Hn." It was a yes, but not a definite one.
"Heero! Please, say you've forgiven me? I just need to hear the words."
"Why?"
"Because…" This was my chance to tell you. But I just couldn't. So I did as I always did. Told only part of the truth. "Because I feel horrible. It's like I can't get clean until you've forgiven me."
"I forgive you." Part of me rejoiced to hear those words, but the way you said them was wrong, so monotone and uncaring, like they were a dismissal.
"Heero, what's wrong? Do you hate me now?" There it was again, an entrance for my admission. But I didn't take it.
"No, Duo. I don't hate you." You sounded so sad, but it was like you were hiding something. I acted on instinct, walking over and gently removing the book from your hands, getting rid of all distractions.
"Please Heero, tell me what's wrong?"
It was like watching a wall crumble, only to see the tape rewound and your mask going back up. (A/N: Look at the pretty mixed metaphor!)
"I want to know the truth Duo. About… about who you love." The emotion I heard behind those words didn't show on your face, and I hesitated. I was certain this would end badly if I told you it was you. But I couldn't lie again.
"You." I whispered so quietly that I could see you straining to catch my words.
"Duo, I can't hear you. Just tell me, would you?"
"It's you." This time I spoke firmly, though still so quiet you barely heard, and with the barest edge of a question in my tone. Louder I repeated, "I love you, Heero." Then I waited for the bomb to drop, for you to yell, tell me to get out. For you to look at me and hate what you saw.
But then you looked into my eyes and I nearly gasped in surprise, because I hadn't expected to see you look at me that way. It was almost like you… cared. Maybe even… loved me too. I saw the mask being prepared almost at the same moment it slid into place, and your eyes went vacant as ever again, and I acted quickly. I couldn't let my chance slip away.
You looked surprised when I grabbed your hand, and even more surprised when I sat down on the bed beside you.
"Heero, I need to know… how you feel about me. You can't just say you love someone and not have them respond. Even… even having you hate me would be better than not knowing how you feel when you know how I do." I could see the struggle behind your steady gaze, knew you were having conflicting emotions, and there was nothing I could do about it. I could only pray you would give me a chance, and remind you I was there. So I prayed harder than ever before, and squeezed your hand a little. After what seemed like forever, I saw you eyes begin to shine with tears.
When the first of the tears escaped, you flinched. I had never seen you cry, and it hurt me to know I had caused it. I had never felt this way before, like I wanted to fix everything, take away whatever was hurting you, and it hurt that I couldn't. I raised a hand to wipe the tear away, and softly whispered your name.
"Heero? Do you want me to leave? I don't want to, but I will." You didn't respond, just tore your gaze away from mine as if you were ashamed.
"It's okay to cry, Heero. You've seen me do it lots of times, right?" And you had. I had cried myself to sleep with you sitting nearby on your laptop more than once after a battle, when the weight of all the death I caused became too much. You whispered a reply, but it was so caught up in sobs that I didn't understand you.
"What?"
"I said that I'm supposed to be the strong one. I never cry."
"Heero, being strong doesn't mean you never show any emotion! Emotion isn't a weakness, it's a strength. Without it you're not human. And…and… I love you, because you are human." This may not have been the greatest time to bring up the 'love' subject, but whoever said I was tactful?
"Duo, do you really mean that? Or are you just using me?" Suddenly I knew that you had somehow been used in the past, or had been told you would be. And I had to find a way to show you that I was not, would never, use you.
I took both of your hands in mine and stood up, slowly, bringing you with me. You looked at me with a fear in your eyes greater than that I had ever seen before a battle or mission.
"Heero, I don't lie. Not anymore. I've done it once, and once was enough. I love you, and I would never, ever use you, or treat you like anything but the most precious person in the world to me. I love you." I could see you thinking about what I'd said, and slowly took you into my arms, leaving you to cry on my shoulder. You clung to me like a child, and amidst the sobs and shaking, I heard, and sort of felt, the words that came from your lips, Japanese that I hadn't known I knew until you said it.
"Ai shiteru, Duo."
