UNDER THE INFLUENCE

Part 5

I didn't stop to chat with Don this time.  I drove home, showered, ate something, went back to the lab and caught up with my paperwork. 

I did everything possible to avoid thinking too much of her unexpected request.  I mean, why Nick and not Catherine? Why him and not me?

But when I told Nick, I began to understand why she'd chosen him.  Nick is a nurturing guy after all.  His immediate reaction was of concern. ("Oh, man, why didn't you tell me?") and I didn't even have to tell him to keep this a secret. ("We can't let anybody know, Grissom!").

I dutifully told him about visiting hours, and then handed him a book

"You won't have time to buy her anything today, so take this."

He read the title.

"'Nonsense Poems'?"  he smirked. "This is what you've been giving her?  Books?"

The smirk stung and for a brief moment I hoped he'd go and buy her teddy bears and chocolates and that everything would be torn apart by the clinic staff…

But I'm a 'reasonable' man.  Just before the shift ended, I warned him about the  regulations.

"I'll get her a puzzle." He said full of enthusiasm and I gaped… why didn't I think of it myself?  She loves puzzles!  Oh, damn…

No wonder Sara preferred him.

**

A few days after, Jim and I were questioning a suspect, though to be honest, I wasn't paying much attention.  As soon as I saw the guy's hands I knew he wasn't our murderer.  Calluses like the ones he had on his fingers would have shown on the fingerprints I'd lifted.  I didn't need Jacqui's report to know he wasn't our guy. 

But I didn't tell Jim; I was distracted by my own troubles.

I was losing control. I had been working too hard and sleeping to little, and frankly I had been tormenting myself by thinking of Sara and the things that I did and didn't do.

For instance, I didn't tell her that I was sorry.  She had blamed herself for what had happened but I knew that I shared a huge part of the blame.  If I had been another man (like Nick, I guess),  I would have taken the love she'd offered and nothing bad would have happened. I didn't thank her either, for being a friend all these years.  For loving me, for making me feel wanted.

It was too late for all that.  Sara would be discharged in less than a week and then she'd be free to choose whether to stay or leave... And I had promised to honor her choice.

"Would you give her up that easily?"

Now I understood what Don had meant.  I gave her up.  As soon as I agreed to tell Nick I gave her up, but it hadn't been easy.   Life would be hell from now on.  So lonely and cold…

What would happen to me now? What was I going to do without her? 

That thought came unexpectedly and I gasped.

Jim's suspect looked at me.

"Hey man, you ok?"  he said full of concern, "You've just gone white."

I muttered something and left the room, barely aware of Jim frantically saying something into the tape recorder to account for my abrupt exit.

I went to the nearest bathroom and splashed cold water on my face.  I took deep breaths and gradually calmed down, but that thought was tormenting me.  what am I going to do… ?

Jim found me there and started yelling at me for ruining his case.  I mechanically told him about the guy's fingers and to leave me alone. He just sighed and left.

For a moment, I stood in the middle of the bathroom, not knowing what to do.  I didn't want to go home –I couldn't sleep anyway- and I didn't want to work.  Suddenly I understood how Sara had felt:  Having a drink sounded like a good way of solving my dilemma…

I sighed and called Jim and apologized.

**

In the end I went to my office and tried to work, but I couldn't concentrate.  I just sat there, staring at the pile of paperwork that never seemed to decrease.

Then I looked around me.  Everything I had worked for was here, neatly contained in a single room.  My diplomas, my files, my specimens and all the little mementos that I'd gathered through the years… witnesses to a career that was entering its final decade…

This was a cold place, I realized.  Cold and hard… glass, chrome, plastic, and my own dried up heart…

"What do you want?" I asked aloud, surprising myself.

My answer was barely audible, though.

"I want to go back in time."

I smiled to myself.  Go back in time, like in a fairy tale… Go back and do all the things that I never did because I too scared to even try…

"Hey, Grissom? Can I talk to you?"  Nick was standing in the doorway.

"Come in." I said, quickly composing myself.

He lowered his voice.

"It's about Sara."

"Yeah?" I wasn't concerned.  I had called Don that morning and he'd assured me she was doing good.

"It's... Well..." he hesitated, "I've been worried... I mean..."

I sighed in exasperation.

"What, Nick?"

"I was wondering if…  all this happened because of the promotion."

"No, Nick." I said patiently, "It wasn't that."

"Because if it was... I mean, it would be awful."

"Nick, don't feel guilty, just try to be supportive, all right? How is she doing?"

"If you want to know, go ask her yourself."

I paused.  That didn't sound like Nick.

"What did you just say?" I asked and he gulped but didn't back down. 

"You heard me," he challenged. "She sees me come in and always glances behind me as if she's expecting someone else.  You just stopped visiting!"

"I don't think she wants to see her boss right now, Nick."

"She didn't forbid you to go, did she?"

I paused. I tried to remember her exact words.  She said that she'd be all right… that she could be on her own and that I had enough problems... She was easing the pressure, I guess.  She was letting me know that I didn't have to be there all the time...

That I had a choice now.  My choice.

"What do you want?"  Don had asked over and over and until now I didn't understand why.

Nick was still talking.

"…she'll be at the Senior Citizens' party tonight.  Poor girl has been making paper flowers to decorate the gym, and-"

"Where's this party?" I interrupted, trying not to sound too eager.  And Nick told me.

But I couldn't just go and talk to her.

**

UNDER THE INFLUENCE

Part 6

Don was filing some papers when I entered his office.

"I need to know what she wants," I sad abruptly.

"Good evening, my friend." he said gently,

"Just tell me." I insisted, "I have to know if she still needs me."

"I can't talk about that, Gil, you know it."

"Don, I don't want to hurt her.  I just need to know how she feels about me."

"Gil, she's always been honest with you.  She's told you the truth over and over.  Figure it out by yourself."

"I can't," I confessed, "All I can think of is that I'll make things worse for her."

He took off his glasses and motioned me to sit down.

"Gil... I wish I could tell you what to do but I can't.  Nobody can.  You see, no matter what I say or what Sara tells you, you only listen to yourself. And what you keep saying over and over is that you can't love her." He looked at me with something close to compassion as I fought not to break down.

"I wanted..." I began, "I wanted to love her.  I would have this time, if she had asked me-"

"Why would she do that again?  It didn't take her anywhere the other times she did." he leant on his desk, "Gil, she's rebuilding her self-esteem.  She can't go on asking and hoping that you'll say yes. That's in the past and you need to get used to it."

"But..." I wanted to argue but what I finally said was, "I need her."

"Then make a decision." he said gently.

I nodded.

**