The Captain's wounds were not serious, but they were many. Smee helped him to his cabin, and before long I was called down to see him.
"I am free, Wendy. I don't hate him any more."
He was a changed man. There was a joy in his voice that was unmistakably Peter. My Peter. Now my heart as well as my intellect knew that the fair boy and dark man of my youth were one.
"Sail away with me Wendy. I am leaving Never Land and never coming back. There's a whole world out there - lands of silk and spices; elephants and camels and beasts you haven't even heard of back in London."
As clearly as though it were yesterday, I remembered the last time he had said something of that sort to me.
IWendy, when you are sleeping in your silly bed you might be flying about with me, saying funny things to the stars./I
"I will teach you how to sail the ship. You can be my first mate, my pirate queen. The crew will love and fear you; the fat merchants and obsequious Navymen will tremble at your very name. I was watching you today. You're a good fighter, Wendy - you could be one of the best."
I There are mermaids, Wendy, with long tails./I
"Oh Wendy, how I love you."
The words he never, never could say.
All those years ago I left my mother and father, ignorant of the depths of their sorrow. But to leave my husband and child, and not ignorantly but in full knowledge, and forever, that was another matter. Yet before me lay the two great loves of my life compounded into one, and how could I not follow him to the ends of the earth? I turned away to hide my tears.
"Wendy? What is it, Wendy? Don't cry, my love."
He painfully heaved himself up into a sitting position, and took my hand, stroking it with the hookless stump of his right wrist.
His kindness was unbearable. Quickly, I pulled away.
Suddenly he was the old Hook again - terrible in his fury, piteous in his despair. "I disgust you then? I see." His eyes were full of tears, but his brows were furrowed in rage. He took my hand again, holding it too tightly for me to escape.
"I can keep you here by force, you know. If you will not be my queen, I can make you my slave." I am ashamed to say my heart rose. To be saved from making that dreadful choice, to be with my love forever and not be blamed for it - there was nothing I desired more. And yet I made myself put up the best resistance I could, trying to speak calmly and with dignity.
"You do not disgust me, Captain. Far from it. But I am a married woman and a mother."
"A mother!" He spat out the word as though it had a foul taste to it. "I killed my mother today, Wendy, and it was the happiest moment of my life. Jane wanted to kill you too. I heard her."
"Yet I will not abandon her."
"Then bring her with you! All children dream of living on a pirate ship. She can be heir to the biggest fortune on the seven seas."
"Neither will I abandon Tootles."
"He is a fool. He was always the stupidest of them. He tried to kill you once too - don't you remember?"
"He is my husband, Captain, and I will remain true to my vows."
"Then you are a fool too. When you are an old woman you will remember this moment and die in despair because you made the wrong decision - the grown-up decision. I liked you better when you were a little girl, Wendy. You were yourself then. Now you are ordinary."
He released my hand. "Go then. Ask Smee to row you and your friends to the beach."
I couldn't go. I tried, but I could not persuade my legs to move. It would have been all right were it not for the fact that he was still bleeding and winced with pain every time he moved. Smee had done his best with the bandages, but they were dirty and not tied properly and...
"I told you to go away." His voice dripped with hatred and sarcasm. "I do not care for you any more. You are just a common little housewife, and unworthy to be my slave. Get out now!"
I believed him right up until the moment I shut the door behind me and heard the stifled little moan of anguish. I would have gone straight back in were it not for...
"Tootles!" I think he had been listening at the door.
"Wendy?" he said. "Can we have a word in private?"
"Yes. Yes, of course."
We sat in the lifeboat.
"Tootles, I'm so sorry... I..."
"What happened, Wendy? I don't understand what's happening. Don't you love me any more?"
"Of course I love you, Tootles... I just... I..."
"What are your feelings for me, Wendy?"
"Those of a devoted wife!"
I paused for just too long. I was lying and he knew it.
He fumbled in the pocket of his coat.
"Here," he said, and handed me a small parcel of papers. "A present."
"What is it?"
"Look inside."
So I did.
"But Tootles, these are just your adoption papers."
"I always carry them with me to remind me of mother."
"Yes, I remember, but why are you giving them to me?"
"What do they mean?"
"That you were adopted, of course."
"What else?"
"I don't know, my darling. I don't understand legal documents. You know that. I never was much of a lawyer's wife."
"You never were any kind of lawyer's wife at all."
I had expected tears or fury, not a game of riddles. "Tootles, what are you talking about?"
"Wendy, darling... well, you are still Wendy Darling. We're not married. Legally speaking we're brother and sister. Our wedding was invalid. Technically, it's incest. There will be no problem obtaining an annulment. I would go so far as to say it is our duty to obtain one."
I wanted to believe he wanted it as much as I did, but when I looked at him and saw his trembling hands, his eyes averted and full of tears, I could tell it took every ounce of strength and self control he had not to snatch the papers away, not to put his arms round me and rest his head against my breast and sob his heart out and never to let me go. I wanted to tell him (and knew that he was hoping beyond hope I would) that he was my true love, and married or not I would stay by his side forever.
"I need some time to think this over."
*****
"Jane? How would you like to live? Would you like to travel on a pirate ship and see the worlds, or would you like it to be like before with me and Daddy and Nana in London?" If only it could be like before.
"Both," was the reply. "I'd like to spend half the year at sea and half at home. And half on holiday and half at school like David and Nico and half..."
I interrupted her. "We can't have both."
She thought for a while.
"The pirate ship then."
And that was it. I asked Tootles what he would do and he said he'd go back to Mummy. I expect she will hate me, but it doesn't matter because I shall never see her again. I don't understand what that means. I can't imagine never seeing her again. I can't imagine never again seeing London or Nana or motor-cars or Nelson's Column or the nursery mantelpiece. I can't comprehend the choice I'm making any more than Jane can.
I busy myself with practical chores: tidying the ship, getting supplies of food in, looking after Jane, looking after the Captain. I know I have made the right decision.
I requested an audience with chief Tiger Lily, and secured a promise that she would command her shamans to find a way of blocking up the passage between Never Land and London. I hope that children will play with Peter as long as they are gay and innocent and heartless, and longer too, but they will do so safely in their dreams and never again the way I and Jane and John and Michael did. Tying up loose ends. Everything neat and tidy.
We walked up the gangplank, mother and daughter together, to begin our new life. She took my hand. "Mummy," she said, "it is only pretend, isn't it?"
"Yes, my love," I lied. "It's only pretend."
"I am free, Wendy. I don't hate him any more."
He was a changed man. There was a joy in his voice that was unmistakably Peter. My Peter. Now my heart as well as my intellect knew that the fair boy and dark man of my youth were one.
"Sail away with me Wendy. I am leaving Never Land and never coming back. There's a whole world out there - lands of silk and spices; elephants and camels and beasts you haven't even heard of back in London."
As clearly as though it were yesterday, I remembered the last time he had said something of that sort to me.
IWendy, when you are sleeping in your silly bed you might be flying about with me, saying funny things to the stars./I
"I will teach you how to sail the ship. You can be my first mate, my pirate queen. The crew will love and fear you; the fat merchants and obsequious Navymen will tremble at your very name. I was watching you today. You're a good fighter, Wendy - you could be one of the best."
I There are mermaids, Wendy, with long tails./I
"Oh Wendy, how I love you."
The words he never, never could say.
All those years ago I left my mother and father, ignorant of the depths of their sorrow. But to leave my husband and child, and not ignorantly but in full knowledge, and forever, that was another matter. Yet before me lay the two great loves of my life compounded into one, and how could I not follow him to the ends of the earth? I turned away to hide my tears.
"Wendy? What is it, Wendy? Don't cry, my love."
He painfully heaved himself up into a sitting position, and took my hand, stroking it with the hookless stump of his right wrist.
His kindness was unbearable. Quickly, I pulled away.
Suddenly he was the old Hook again - terrible in his fury, piteous in his despair. "I disgust you then? I see." His eyes were full of tears, but his brows were furrowed in rage. He took my hand again, holding it too tightly for me to escape.
"I can keep you here by force, you know. If you will not be my queen, I can make you my slave." I am ashamed to say my heart rose. To be saved from making that dreadful choice, to be with my love forever and not be blamed for it - there was nothing I desired more. And yet I made myself put up the best resistance I could, trying to speak calmly and with dignity.
"You do not disgust me, Captain. Far from it. But I am a married woman and a mother."
"A mother!" He spat out the word as though it had a foul taste to it. "I killed my mother today, Wendy, and it was the happiest moment of my life. Jane wanted to kill you too. I heard her."
"Yet I will not abandon her."
"Then bring her with you! All children dream of living on a pirate ship. She can be heir to the biggest fortune on the seven seas."
"Neither will I abandon Tootles."
"He is a fool. He was always the stupidest of them. He tried to kill you once too - don't you remember?"
"He is my husband, Captain, and I will remain true to my vows."
"Then you are a fool too. When you are an old woman you will remember this moment and die in despair because you made the wrong decision - the grown-up decision. I liked you better when you were a little girl, Wendy. You were yourself then. Now you are ordinary."
He released my hand. "Go then. Ask Smee to row you and your friends to the beach."
I couldn't go. I tried, but I could not persuade my legs to move. It would have been all right were it not for the fact that he was still bleeding and winced with pain every time he moved. Smee had done his best with the bandages, but they were dirty and not tied properly and...
"I told you to go away." His voice dripped with hatred and sarcasm. "I do not care for you any more. You are just a common little housewife, and unworthy to be my slave. Get out now!"
I believed him right up until the moment I shut the door behind me and heard the stifled little moan of anguish. I would have gone straight back in were it not for...
"Tootles!" I think he had been listening at the door.
"Wendy?" he said. "Can we have a word in private?"
"Yes. Yes, of course."
We sat in the lifeboat.
"Tootles, I'm so sorry... I..."
"What happened, Wendy? I don't understand what's happening. Don't you love me any more?"
"Of course I love you, Tootles... I just... I..."
"What are your feelings for me, Wendy?"
"Those of a devoted wife!"
I paused for just too long. I was lying and he knew it.
He fumbled in the pocket of his coat.
"Here," he said, and handed me a small parcel of papers. "A present."
"What is it?"
"Look inside."
So I did.
"But Tootles, these are just your adoption papers."
"I always carry them with me to remind me of mother."
"Yes, I remember, but why are you giving them to me?"
"What do they mean?"
"That you were adopted, of course."
"What else?"
"I don't know, my darling. I don't understand legal documents. You know that. I never was much of a lawyer's wife."
"You never were any kind of lawyer's wife at all."
I had expected tears or fury, not a game of riddles. "Tootles, what are you talking about?"
"Wendy, darling... well, you are still Wendy Darling. We're not married. Legally speaking we're brother and sister. Our wedding was invalid. Technically, it's incest. There will be no problem obtaining an annulment. I would go so far as to say it is our duty to obtain one."
I wanted to believe he wanted it as much as I did, but when I looked at him and saw his trembling hands, his eyes averted and full of tears, I could tell it took every ounce of strength and self control he had not to snatch the papers away, not to put his arms round me and rest his head against my breast and sob his heart out and never to let me go. I wanted to tell him (and knew that he was hoping beyond hope I would) that he was my true love, and married or not I would stay by his side forever.
"I need some time to think this over."
*****
"Jane? How would you like to live? Would you like to travel on a pirate ship and see the worlds, or would you like it to be like before with me and Daddy and Nana in London?" If only it could be like before.
"Both," was the reply. "I'd like to spend half the year at sea and half at home. And half on holiday and half at school like David and Nico and half..."
I interrupted her. "We can't have both."
She thought for a while.
"The pirate ship then."
And that was it. I asked Tootles what he would do and he said he'd go back to Mummy. I expect she will hate me, but it doesn't matter because I shall never see her again. I don't understand what that means. I can't imagine never seeing her again. I can't imagine never again seeing London or Nana or motor-cars or Nelson's Column or the nursery mantelpiece. I can't comprehend the choice I'm making any more than Jane can.
I busy myself with practical chores: tidying the ship, getting supplies of food in, looking after Jane, looking after the Captain. I know I have made the right decision.
I requested an audience with chief Tiger Lily, and secured a promise that she would command her shamans to find a way of blocking up the passage between Never Land and London. I hope that children will play with Peter as long as they are gay and innocent and heartless, and longer too, but they will do so safely in their dreams and never again the way I and Jane and John and Michael did. Tying up loose ends. Everything neat and tidy.
We walked up the gangplank, mother and daughter together, to begin our new life. She took my hand. "Mummy," she said, "it is only pretend, isn't it?"
"Yes, my love," I lied. "It's only pretend."
