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                    Go away Grandma!

Alice screamed. "AAAAHHHH!" and again, "AAAAHHHH!" and again and again, "AAAAHHHH! AAAAHHHH!"

"Get a hold of yourself!" commanded the devil AKA Mrs Longbottom.

Alice still screamed. "AAAAHHHH!"

Mrs Longbottom slapped Alice on both cheeks, "Stop it! You're hurting my ears."

Alice screamed louder, "AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!"

"You're making Lily's ears hurt!"

Alice immediately stopped screaming.

"That's better," said Mrs Longbottom.

Alice screamed again for good measure. "AAAHHH!"

"That's enough!" shrieked Mrs Longbottom. "If you screamed any louder the Ministry will be after us!"

"OK, Mum," spat Alice.

"By the way, have you been practicing your breathing exercises?" Mrs Longbottom asked.

Alice hit her head, "Damn."

"I knew it, I knew it!" said Mrs Longbottom in triumph. "I told Frank that you would forget but he said that you were to crazy about the baby to forget, ha! I knew better!

Alice grinded her teeth, "I said damn because I forgot the booklet."

BANG! Something upstairs was making a lot of noise. BANG! It sounded like there were a few dozen elephants above the kitchen. "LEEEEET MEEEEEEEEEE GOOOOOOOO!!!!" Somebody shouted.

"NEEEEVEEEEEEEEER!" Somebody else replied.

BANG! "WHAT IS THAT NOISE?!" Mrs Longbottom shouted.

THUMP! THUMP! Something was making a terrible noise.

Mrs Longbottom walked from the kitchen into the hallway and stood right at the bottom with her hands on her hips and she was tapping her foot. Finally, after a lot of bangs and a lot of whimpers from Lily (she was worried what damage there might be upstairs) Alice finally said: "D'you think there's a murder going on up there?"

"Don't be silly, Alice," retorted Mrs Longbottom.

BANG! BANG! THUMP! THUMP! Something was rolling down the stairs. Lily screamed. "What is it?" She asked.

Alice and Mrs Longbottom stepped back to make way for the human ball. With a massive THUMP! The human ball landed in the hallway and it was no longer a ball anymore; it was Sirius on the floor being pinned down to it by Remus. "I win," Remus whispered.

"Sirius, darling," Mrs Longbottom boomed as soon as Sirius stood up. "How's your lovely Mother?"

Sirius twitched; his Mother and the word "lovely" should be illegal to be in the same sentence. "Fine, thanks," he replied coolly.

"That's good. Ever since I told her the plans of Frank's wedding she seems a little… distant, I haven't seen her for ages, do you know why?"

Sirius hesitated for a second, "I dunno, I haven't seen her for a long time myself." He said ignoring the fact that Mrs Longbottom obviously told his Mother that Lily was Alice's Maid of Honour so that probably made his Mother very angry because she knew that Lily was a Muggle-born.

"OK," retorted Mrs Longbottom. "Oh, and Remus, darling, I haven't seen you for ages, I saw your sister, though, the live one of course."

"Umm," Remus began, "I hate to tell you this but both of my sisters are dead."

Mrs Longbottom gasped. "Oh, I'm sorry Remus. How's, uh, the rest of your family?"

Remus lifted up seven fingers. "My Grandparents are both practically living in St Mungo's." He said lowering two fingers. "My younger sister tripped and got run over by a bus." He carried on lowering his thumb. "Soon after my little sister died my Dad committed suicide." He lowered his index finger. "My older sister was murdered by her boyfriend who is now a Death Eater on the run." He lowered another finger. "My Mum barely speaks to anyone let alone me and she now lives life as a loner." He lowered his ring finger. "That leaves me. I'm currently living in James and Lily Potter's house until their child is born and I'm looking after Lily, Alice and Sirius." He lowered his last finger.

Charming Remus, very charming, you certainly have a very charming family history.

"Well… glad too see that you're doing… OK." Said Mrs Longbottom eyeing Remus's very tattered robes.

"Mum," said Alice emphasizing the word "Mum" as though it was the most vile and disgusting word in her vocabulary. "Do you notice anything different about me?"

Mrs Longbottom gasped. "Oh my God! What happened to you? Was it painful? Oh, I feel so sorry for you, you poor dear."

"You don't have to fuss over me that much," said Alice slightly smirking.

Mrs Longbottom ignored her, "Who did this to you? I'll kill them. This must be terrible! Honestly, who would be that mean to curse you with wings? Oh, Lily dear, this dreadful!"

Alice looked as though she was about to kill her Mother-in-law. "What about me?"  

"What about you? You look exactly the same as I left you. But maybe you've put on a couple of pounds."

Alice gave Mrs Longbottom a very sour smile, she only saw her last week and she said that she had put on weight! How dare she! She must pay! But there was one little fact that Alice had suddenly remembered: Frank would never speak to her again if his Mother got hurt. Alice had no idea why. It must be a man thing.

"I… I think you should leave, Mother." Alice said, "I'm fine here. Why do you always have to keep track of what Frank and I are doing where we're doing it?"

"I don't know what you're on about," began Mrs Longbottom. "I only came here too see how my only daughter was doing."

"I'm not your daughter, stop saying that just admit what you really think of me!"

"I assure that I don't know what you're talking about," Mrs Longbottom answered. "My only interest is you and that you give birth to my Grandson in a proper manner, I know that some women threaten to kill their husbands during their labour and I don't want any of that."

"Excuse me?" Alice asked. "What are you on about? What do you mean that I need to birth to your Grandson in a proper manner? I can say anything I want to Frank."

"You won't if I say that I won't help you look after the child," threatened Mrs Longbottom. "I bet that you'll be asking me to help you look after it in the first fortnight."

"I will not!" retorted Alice. "I bet that you asked for help when Frank was born!"

"Is that a bet?" Mrs Longbottom questioned. "I am quite aware that you and Lily made a lot of bets at Hogwarts."

"Yeah, you and everyone else except Lily." Said Alice, "Are you going to leave or what?"

"No, I brought my suitcase," replied Mrs Longbottom. Then she took her wand out form her pocket and cast a spell, "SUITTY!" a loud crash of shattering glass was heard.

Lily shut her eyes in terror. It's only for a week; it's only week. She kept reminding herself. About one dozen suitcases came flying from the kitchen into the hallway.

"I packed lightly," said Mrs Longbottom.

Alice rolled her eyes. "I sure you did."

"Now," said Mrs Longbottom ignoring what Alice had just said. "Sirius, Remus, make yourselves useful and carry these bags to the spare room.

"But that's where I sleep!" protested Remus.

"Well, you're just going to have to sleep on the sofa, aren't you?"

Remus tightened his fists but did not complain.

"Don't worry, Remus," whispered Lily as he passed her to find his bag to get his wand. "She'll get so bored bossing everyone around she won't even sleep over, trust me."

"Last time I trusted you I ended up hiding in the bushes because I was naked," replied Remus.

"Hey," said Lily, "I thought you were good at strip poker, how was I supposed to know that Peter had a hidden talent for poker?"

***

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