A Simple Twist of Fate (Or Love) 3
Disclaimer: The characters are not mine and I'm not making any money out of spending hours of my day obsessing over them.
~*~
When I turned the hall to head to my office I saw Woody in there through the glass window and I stopped. I watched him as he rummaged through my things over my table, touching everything and a small smile appeared on his lips when he found a framed picture of my mother and me when I was four, that I let there, to look at it now and then.
I smiled to myself even though I didn't want to, when I should be feeling angry with him for touching my personal things. I resumed walking and opening my door, I cleared my throat to make myself known. He turned to me immediately and smiled even bigger. "Hey." He said and lifted the picture. "Pretty photo of yours. I didn't know you were so cute."
"Haha, very funny, Woodrow." I mocked and took the frame from his hands to put it back in place.
"No need to bite. I'm just telling the truth."
"Well, it reflected how I'd be when I grew up."
"I couldn't agree more." He winked flirtatiously and stepped closer. My God, now I could feel that unmistakable male scent of his. And what a good scent I should add.
I shook my head and focused back on our conversation. And then I got curious as to why he was here instead of doing his work. "And why are you here, anyway?" I asked as I rested my side on the edge of the desk.
"I'm going to Wisconsin for a few days. I just wanted to let you know, so you wouldn't be worried when I suddenly stop hovering over you." He smirked and winked again. He would never, ever stop flirting with me. For as much as I tried to be cold he would never stop flirting. And I think that deep down I didn't really want him to stop.
"And who said I'd be worried?"
"Well, for someone who flew miles to LA to bring me back home I think worry is something very known to this person."
I looked down, not being able to look at him any longer and found that my nails were a very amusing thing. How could I have gotten close to someone so much like I did with Woody within only two years? I wished I knew how our complicated relationship had gotten to the place it was. We weren't just friends, but we weren't more than friends either. Because, truly, I had to be more than just friend to be so scared Woody wouldn't come back to Boston from LA and actually going there to bring him back.
He was so important to me that I couldn't risk any kind of relationship with him when he kissed me back in LA. I hurt all men I came across, and like I said, Woody was too important to just use him for sex and run when things got to out of control for me. I couldn't do that. I promised myself I wouldn't love anyone and I had broken this promise before. I couldn't do it again.
I looked back up and saw him waiting patiently for me to speak and I could do nothing but smile at his boyish pretty face. "Ok, fine." I threw my arms up in defeat. "I'd be worried about you, ok?"
"Aha! I knew." He pointed me his index finger after slapping his palms and grinned.
"Grow up, Woody." I laughed playing with him.
"Don't you think I'm grown enough?" He wiggled his eyebrows and smirked again. Ok, Woody did have a really fine body and his face wasn't bad either, but seriously, he didn't need to make me think about his good physical appearance, did he?
But wait... he would be away for a few days... Woody would be gone for a while and just now I finally got it. It would be days. I didn't want him to go. No, I wanted him to stay. Oh my god... what am I doing? Could I be missing him already? No, I shook my head mentally, no I couldn't. It was just... Woody...
That was the problem... it was him.
He looked at his watch and sighed. Oh, it just couldn't be a good thing. He looked back at me and smile. "Well, I have to go. I got pack and catch a plane in a few hours." He hugged me and my arms wrapped themselves around him by their own will. He pulled back and smiled again. "See you in a few days."
"Yeah." I smiled too and watched as he waved and walked away from me. Each step he took was a step further away. "Woody?" He stopped when he heard my voice and looked back. "Will you miss me?" I swear I don't know where the hell that sentence came from, but it did. It just formed over my lips and left my mouth. I sounded fucking needy and I didn't want to feel needy. Not in front of him. Or because of him.
He gasped as if I had said something horrid. He put both hands on his hips and gave me a faked hurt look. "What are you thinking? Of course I will." He then brought one hand to his heart and left it there. "I can't believe you didn't know. You hurt me."
I rolled my eyes and chuckled. "Oh, please, got the hell out of here." I waved a hand mentioning for him to go as I kept on chuckling.
He started chuckling too. "Bye." He waved and finally left.
I bit my lip and replied, "Bye." I didn't hide the disappointment in my voice, though. I simply couldn't. I could barely go through a day without seeing, talking, or hanging out with him, even if I didn't dare to admit it to myself, I knew. So how the hell could I go that long?
I fiddled with my fingers as I looked around the room as if it was some kind of wonder or something. I sighed and rubbed my face with one of my hands. Well, it seemed I'd have to go on that long... I already missed him and it was freaking scary.
* * *
I threw the last dart on the random picture hanging on the back of my door and did a small wave of hand with my victory of hitting the picture right in the middle. Don't even ask where these darts came from because I had no idea. I just found them somewhere in the morgue and I'm not even sure where. I think it was Nigel's...
I sighed loudly and searched around for something else to do. I had thrown these darts over ten times and I decided it was enough for a long while. Sweet Lord, there had to be something in that freaking office to do. But there wasn't. Nothing at all. Since when did people stop dying? It was impossible, right? The world wasn't so perfect to the point of people stopping dying of unnatural death... Or not... and why was I in the office in the first place?
Oh, yes... I was picking on Garret and he 'grounded' me. Pff...
It was not my fault. I was bored to death. Bored, bored, bored. There was nothing to do and he decided some 'easy cases' was what I needed and told me to examine those stupid natural death bodies. And now, looking around the office I was even more bored than before. And no Woody to annoy this time. Oh, good Lord... when was he coming back? He was gone about... hmmm... oh yeah, a day and a half...
Oh my.. what was I going to do until he was back? There was no fun working if he wasn't around to work with me...
* * *
I got up from the airport chair for the fifth time and looked at the disembarkation area, searching for any sign of Woody even though I knew his flight hadn't arrived yet. I looked at my wrist watch and checked the time. Damn... Why did I come so early? I stil had about half an hour until he arrived. I think I was too anxisous of finally seeing him again after four days. Four long days that seemed more like four years. Jesus Christ... there was really something wrong with me... I was so lame...
I sighed and walked to the news stand near the bar and rumaged around, flipping a few magazines, doing anything that could distract me. I had decided on coming to the airport and surprise him by waiting him when he arrived. I missed him so much that any extra time with him was very welcome. Darn it... I felt like I wanted to spend my whole life with him. He went inside me and I just let him. Now I was only living with the consequences of getting too close.
These four days were like hell to me. And he was the only one to be blamed, I thought like a spoiled little brat.
When I had read about practicially all the magazines I checked the time again just when the metalic voice came from somewhere in the airport, catching my attention when I heard the number of Woody's plane, the voice saying it had just arrived. Seriously, I looked like a teenager waiting to see her boyfriend after a long time. I really tried to restrain my anxiety, but it was very hard when all I wanted was to jump into Woody's bones.
I walked to the disembarkation area and scanned the place as people came inside, the crowd soon gathering. I felt a big smile breaking across my face when I finally found Woody and started to wave like a retarded, trying to make him see me. And what wasn't my happiness when he grinned from ear to ear when he caught my signs and saw me. He almost ran to me and put his bag on the floor to wrap his arms around me and bring me up, embracing me like he had done on the dock in LA.
"What are you doing here?" He spoke onto my ear, his breath tickling my hair just below it then he put me back on the floor. He pulled back and looked at me, smiling brightly. He didn't take his hands from around me, so I left my hands around his neck. I stared into his eyes and I knew I shouldn't. I shouldn't have kept my arms around him. I shouldn't have wanted to kiss him. I shouldn't have wanted to hold onto him. But I did. I did and felt that burning inside me.
I giggled and let my arms rest loosely around his neck. "I wanted to make a surprise."
"It was a srurpised indeed. I'm glad you're here. I missed you."
"Why, I missed you too, detective."
"So, how much bored were you?" He let go of me but only time enough to grab his bag then put his arm around my shoulders.
I snuggled into him as we walked out of the airport. "Let's just say things just weren't the same without you."
"Oh boy, you missed me like hell, didn't you?"
I laughed and playfully punched him on the said. "Don't flatter yourself, Hoyt. This doesn't look good."
"Oh, but I'm not." He whispered and I smiled widely. There was something about him that the stupidest things made me smile. It was voluntary, I had no control over it, no one.
I slowly raised my head and met his gaze. He looked so handsome. His face was so soft and held such a welcoming feeling. I could look at him for the rest of my life and don't miss a thing in the world. "Come on. You have a lot to tell me. I wanna know everything."
"Yes, ma'am." He mocked and we walked under a comfortable talk about his trip out of the airport.
* * *
I looked around one more time, checking my place to see if everything was where it should be. I looked at the couch and for some reason the cushions seemed to be on the wrong place, even if I had arranged them over ten times. I thought it was the light, the way it reflected on the cushions and made it look like it was wrong or something.
I sighed and walked to the couch; moving the cushions again and checking to see it they were good on where they were. Oh my God. Suddenly something kicked in my head and I widened my eyes. Oh My God again. What the hell was wrong with me? I mean, Woody was just coming over, nothing more. We had spent time in my place together before. There was nothing wrong or strange in that. Right?
I shook my head trying to shoo this thoughts away but somehow they just wouldn't go away from my head.
This could not be happening. Damn it! I couldn't... I mean; it'd ruin things. It had to ruin things. This was just a 24 hour thing. It's got to be. He was always with me during the most difficult moments; he was always ready to take my ass out of the holes I insisted on putting it in. He was always there so it was a normal reaction. It was normal to feel differently towards someone you spend so much time with. Completely normal. So tomorrow, everything would be okay. All these feelings and thoughts towards him would just go away and I would think of him just as I did before all of this happens. Yeah, that's it. It was just a 24 hour thing. I mean, it was just him. My closest friend who happened to be a boy. I couldn't... I just couldn't...
I couldn't possibly like him that way.
The doorbell rang... And it was him.
And it wasn't a 24 hour thing.
* * *
"So, tell me, what kind of movies did you rent?" Woody asked as he walked back to the couch with two bottles of cold beers. He was back from Wisconsin after four days there and I missed him like hell. Strange huh? I just thought that we could have a movie section to celebrate his back from his land.
I tapped the spot beside me mentioning Woody to sit and lifted two DVD boxes. "Casablanca and X Files The Movie."
When the magic words left my mouth his eyes widened and that big smile spread across his face. "You kidding..."
"Of course not." I smiled back and as he sat beside me I regretted that he did. He answered me something but I didn't really care at the moment, I didn't pay attention so I don't know what he said.
I breathed in and out slowly, like I was supposed to when I needed to be calm. My goodness, why did he have to sit so close? So close that I could feel his body warmth, that smell of his... I didn't mind sitting this close, no, no, but not when emotions like this ran through me. Especially when the person who it belonged to was right there. And how exactly did all this begin? How these feelings suddenly just popped inside me and made my so perfect world spin? Because as much as I enjoyed them giving me warmth, it was just complicated. I couldn't have that because it would mess up so much stuff and I probably wouldn't know anything anymore. It would ruin my so perfect world.
"Jordan?"
Suddenly I came back to earth with him calling my name and looked at him just to see the weird look on his face. "What?"
"Are you ok?"
"Of course. Why wouldn't I be?" I muttered and took the DVD from his hand and my fingers brushed his hand as I took the box, and we exchanged an awkward look. Well, me actually. Then I got up to put it in the player, thanking God for giving me a reason to get away from him, even if for a few seconds and being able to sit a little more away from him.
* * *
"Please God, give me all the strength I need." I silently prayed as I pounded my forehead on the bathroom wall. Why the hell did this have to kick in? Why the hell couldn't I even be in the same place as him? I was Jordan Cavanaugh, the master of controlling my feelings and keeping them at bay. So why, fucking why couldn't I just sit next to him without seeming I'd have a heart attack anytime?
Oh fuck... maybe it was just the temperature. Maybe it was just the... the... anything. Maybe my body was just playing games with me and making me think Woody was all hot and gorgeous and I wanted to have in my bed as soon as possible. Oh my god... it wasn't that. I finally realized that having Woody in my bed wouldn't be enough. It wasn't what I wanted. Not only it anyway. But what exactly did I want? And I couldn't, right? It was kind of random and... and... It would just screw things up a bit. I couldn't. Absolutely couldn't. It was just too familiar yet weird.
"Oh Lord, please help me." I pounded my forehead on the wall again, thinking that maybe some pain would take my mind from Woody to the throbbing in my head. Stupid, I know, but everybody thought that. I did not, and I repeat, I did not have feelings for him. Not those kind of feelings.
Ok, everything settled, everything right. I was in an agreement with myself so I could get out of bathroom. And I had to anyway, because Woody would call for me anytime. I was way too much inside my bathroom.
I sighed in deeply and closed my eyes to focus on my goal. Come on Jordan; just go, I thought, there's nothing wrong. I mean; it's just Woody. Holy crap....
I was going to die. I twitched as a chill ran up my spine. I wanted so badly to leave the bathroom and go sit with him yet I just wanted to stay put and don't see him. My head was spinning and I didn't know what to do.
"Come on. You have to go." I murmured trying to give myself courage enough to do so. "You can't stay here all day." I wiped my hands on my pants as I got up and left the room. Crap. Things really could change in a few hours or so.
This was so unhealthy for me.
* * *
"I don't know what's wrong with me..." I muttered trying hard to pretend Dr. Stiles wasn't staring at me as if I was some kind of freak.
"I think you do." He nodded and gave me that look which said 'you know exactly what's going on' shrinks always gave to their patients. "Not that there's something wrong with you."
I pressed my tongue against the inside of my cheek. I guess it was my fault for accidentally bringing up the whole Woody ordeal to Doc psychologist here; and now, I had to deal with him asking questions and such. I opened it and I have to close it. "I just... I'm not sure..."
"So, what now?"
"What do you mean 'what now'? You're not going to help?" I asked, even though my words came out more as a plea than anything else. I mean, he was supposed to help me. He was supposed to... what exactly? He couldn't give me the answers I didn't even try to find. "There's nothing to do about 'what now.' I'm not going to do anything."
"Jordan, you could even try."
"Try what? It's Woody. I'm not supposed to feel this away towards him. It's kind of forbidden."
"And why is that? Because you said so?"
I looked at him for about five minutes. Actually less, but it seemed so. Then finally words dared to leave my mouth. "I can't." He knew that. He knew I couldn't. I made a promise years before and I had broken it once, I couldn't do it again. I couldn't let myself feel something more than friendship for Woody.
"You're here practically telling me you want to be with him-"
"I never said that."
"- but you won't let yourself actually feel it." He went on as if I hadn't said a word to interrupt him. I looked down, not having the energy to stare at him. "Jordan, you can't keep that promise any longer. You're hurting yourself. You're keeping yourself from loving. If you don't try to have a true relationship afraid that it's going to hurt you, you're really being stupid."
My head snapped up, my eyes widened in shock that he was actually calling me stupid and just. "Wha..." I started to say but closed my mouth when his hand went up to tell me to shut up.
"You're keeping yourself from being happy. Have you ever thought that you're living a lie? Try looking at yourself in the mirror when you say the same things that you told me. Look yourself on the face."
"Don't you think I tried? I'm afraid." I whispered as I tried hard to keep tears from falling. Damn it. I didn't want to cry. I didn't need that. I shouldn't be even feeling like that.
"You have to try again. You can't keep running all the time. You may reach a dead end and you'll have to come back. You can't keep it in forever. Feelings like that don't stay in."
I looked back at him, looking at him with a blank face. I knew what he was saying, but at the same time, I just didn't. His words were very slowly registering and it seemed they would not get inside my brain anytime soon. "..What do you mean 'feelings like that don't stay in'?" I asked after a moment of silence.
He smiled at me with that small, mysterious smile of his and put his hands behind his head. "You know what I mean. Just think about it."
I looked at him puzzled and he did nothing but smile. Wow. Thanks Dr. Stiles. You're a great help.... Sarcasm intended.
* * *
Holy Mother of God....
I let the pen fall out of my hands and stared into nothing, focused on something beyond the wall ahead of me. I finally got what Dr. Stiles was saying... and it was all true.
'Feelings like that don't stay in.'
...I think mine just came out.
'You can't keep running all the time.'
I think I knew what he meant.
Holy.
Shit
...I'm in love with Woody...
* * *
End of chapter three. Yay. Seriously, I got so enthusiasmed to do this. Suddenly everything just popped I my head and know exactly what to write.
Review please, otherwise I won't post more because I won't know if you like it or not.
Disclaimer: The characters are not mine and I'm not making any money out of spending hours of my day obsessing over them.
~*~
When I turned the hall to head to my office I saw Woody in there through the glass window and I stopped. I watched him as he rummaged through my things over my table, touching everything and a small smile appeared on his lips when he found a framed picture of my mother and me when I was four, that I let there, to look at it now and then.
I smiled to myself even though I didn't want to, when I should be feeling angry with him for touching my personal things. I resumed walking and opening my door, I cleared my throat to make myself known. He turned to me immediately and smiled even bigger. "Hey." He said and lifted the picture. "Pretty photo of yours. I didn't know you were so cute."
"Haha, very funny, Woodrow." I mocked and took the frame from his hands to put it back in place.
"No need to bite. I'm just telling the truth."
"Well, it reflected how I'd be when I grew up."
"I couldn't agree more." He winked flirtatiously and stepped closer. My God, now I could feel that unmistakable male scent of his. And what a good scent I should add.
I shook my head and focused back on our conversation. And then I got curious as to why he was here instead of doing his work. "And why are you here, anyway?" I asked as I rested my side on the edge of the desk.
"I'm going to Wisconsin for a few days. I just wanted to let you know, so you wouldn't be worried when I suddenly stop hovering over you." He smirked and winked again. He would never, ever stop flirting with me. For as much as I tried to be cold he would never stop flirting. And I think that deep down I didn't really want him to stop.
"And who said I'd be worried?"
"Well, for someone who flew miles to LA to bring me back home I think worry is something very known to this person."
I looked down, not being able to look at him any longer and found that my nails were a very amusing thing. How could I have gotten close to someone so much like I did with Woody within only two years? I wished I knew how our complicated relationship had gotten to the place it was. We weren't just friends, but we weren't more than friends either. Because, truly, I had to be more than just friend to be so scared Woody wouldn't come back to Boston from LA and actually going there to bring him back.
He was so important to me that I couldn't risk any kind of relationship with him when he kissed me back in LA. I hurt all men I came across, and like I said, Woody was too important to just use him for sex and run when things got to out of control for me. I couldn't do that. I promised myself I wouldn't love anyone and I had broken this promise before. I couldn't do it again.
I looked back up and saw him waiting patiently for me to speak and I could do nothing but smile at his boyish pretty face. "Ok, fine." I threw my arms up in defeat. "I'd be worried about you, ok?"
"Aha! I knew." He pointed me his index finger after slapping his palms and grinned.
"Grow up, Woody." I laughed playing with him.
"Don't you think I'm grown enough?" He wiggled his eyebrows and smirked again. Ok, Woody did have a really fine body and his face wasn't bad either, but seriously, he didn't need to make me think about his good physical appearance, did he?
But wait... he would be away for a few days... Woody would be gone for a while and just now I finally got it. It would be days. I didn't want him to go. No, I wanted him to stay. Oh my god... what am I doing? Could I be missing him already? No, I shook my head mentally, no I couldn't. It was just... Woody...
That was the problem... it was him.
He looked at his watch and sighed. Oh, it just couldn't be a good thing. He looked back at me and smile. "Well, I have to go. I got pack and catch a plane in a few hours." He hugged me and my arms wrapped themselves around him by their own will. He pulled back and smiled again. "See you in a few days."
"Yeah." I smiled too and watched as he waved and walked away from me. Each step he took was a step further away. "Woody?" He stopped when he heard my voice and looked back. "Will you miss me?" I swear I don't know where the hell that sentence came from, but it did. It just formed over my lips and left my mouth. I sounded fucking needy and I didn't want to feel needy. Not in front of him. Or because of him.
He gasped as if I had said something horrid. He put both hands on his hips and gave me a faked hurt look. "What are you thinking? Of course I will." He then brought one hand to his heart and left it there. "I can't believe you didn't know. You hurt me."
I rolled my eyes and chuckled. "Oh, please, got the hell out of here." I waved a hand mentioning for him to go as I kept on chuckling.
He started chuckling too. "Bye." He waved and finally left.
I bit my lip and replied, "Bye." I didn't hide the disappointment in my voice, though. I simply couldn't. I could barely go through a day without seeing, talking, or hanging out with him, even if I didn't dare to admit it to myself, I knew. So how the hell could I go that long?
I fiddled with my fingers as I looked around the room as if it was some kind of wonder or something. I sighed and rubbed my face with one of my hands. Well, it seemed I'd have to go on that long... I already missed him and it was freaking scary.
* * *
I threw the last dart on the random picture hanging on the back of my door and did a small wave of hand with my victory of hitting the picture right in the middle. Don't even ask where these darts came from because I had no idea. I just found them somewhere in the morgue and I'm not even sure where. I think it was Nigel's...
I sighed loudly and searched around for something else to do. I had thrown these darts over ten times and I decided it was enough for a long while. Sweet Lord, there had to be something in that freaking office to do. But there wasn't. Nothing at all. Since when did people stop dying? It was impossible, right? The world wasn't so perfect to the point of people stopping dying of unnatural death... Or not... and why was I in the office in the first place?
Oh, yes... I was picking on Garret and he 'grounded' me. Pff...
It was not my fault. I was bored to death. Bored, bored, bored. There was nothing to do and he decided some 'easy cases' was what I needed and told me to examine those stupid natural death bodies. And now, looking around the office I was even more bored than before. And no Woody to annoy this time. Oh, good Lord... when was he coming back? He was gone about... hmmm... oh yeah, a day and a half...
Oh my.. what was I going to do until he was back? There was no fun working if he wasn't around to work with me...
* * *
I got up from the airport chair for the fifth time and looked at the disembarkation area, searching for any sign of Woody even though I knew his flight hadn't arrived yet. I looked at my wrist watch and checked the time. Damn... Why did I come so early? I stil had about half an hour until he arrived. I think I was too anxisous of finally seeing him again after four days. Four long days that seemed more like four years. Jesus Christ... there was really something wrong with me... I was so lame...
I sighed and walked to the news stand near the bar and rumaged around, flipping a few magazines, doing anything that could distract me. I had decided on coming to the airport and surprise him by waiting him when he arrived. I missed him so much that any extra time with him was very welcome. Darn it... I felt like I wanted to spend my whole life with him. He went inside me and I just let him. Now I was only living with the consequences of getting too close.
These four days were like hell to me. And he was the only one to be blamed, I thought like a spoiled little brat.
When I had read about practicially all the magazines I checked the time again just when the metalic voice came from somewhere in the airport, catching my attention when I heard the number of Woody's plane, the voice saying it had just arrived. Seriously, I looked like a teenager waiting to see her boyfriend after a long time. I really tried to restrain my anxiety, but it was very hard when all I wanted was to jump into Woody's bones.
I walked to the disembarkation area and scanned the place as people came inside, the crowd soon gathering. I felt a big smile breaking across my face when I finally found Woody and started to wave like a retarded, trying to make him see me. And what wasn't my happiness when he grinned from ear to ear when he caught my signs and saw me. He almost ran to me and put his bag on the floor to wrap his arms around me and bring me up, embracing me like he had done on the dock in LA.
"What are you doing here?" He spoke onto my ear, his breath tickling my hair just below it then he put me back on the floor. He pulled back and looked at me, smiling brightly. He didn't take his hands from around me, so I left my hands around his neck. I stared into his eyes and I knew I shouldn't. I shouldn't have kept my arms around him. I shouldn't have wanted to kiss him. I shouldn't have wanted to hold onto him. But I did. I did and felt that burning inside me.
I giggled and let my arms rest loosely around his neck. "I wanted to make a surprise."
"It was a srurpised indeed. I'm glad you're here. I missed you."
"Why, I missed you too, detective."
"So, how much bored were you?" He let go of me but only time enough to grab his bag then put his arm around my shoulders.
I snuggled into him as we walked out of the airport. "Let's just say things just weren't the same without you."
"Oh boy, you missed me like hell, didn't you?"
I laughed and playfully punched him on the said. "Don't flatter yourself, Hoyt. This doesn't look good."
"Oh, but I'm not." He whispered and I smiled widely. There was something about him that the stupidest things made me smile. It was voluntary, I had no control over it, no one.
I slowly raised my head and met his gaze. He looked so handsome. His face was so soft and held such a welcoming feeling. I could look at him for the rest of my life and don't miss a thing in the world. "Come on. You have a lot to tell me. I wanna know everything."
"Yes, ma'am." He mocked and we walked under a comfortable talk about his trip out of the airport.
* * *
I looked around one more time, checking my place to see if everything was where it should be. I looked at the couch and for some reason the cushions seemed to be on the wrong place, even if I had arranged them over ten times. I thought it was the light, the way it reflected on the cushions and made it look like it was wrong or something.
I sighed and walked to the couch; moving the cushions again and checking to see it they were good on where they were. Oh my God. Suddenly something kicked in my head and I widened my eyes. Oh My God again. What the hell was wrong with me? I mean, Woody was just coming over, nothing more. We had spent time in my place together before. There was nothing wrong or strange in that. Right?
I shook my head trying to shoo this thoughts away but somehow they just wouldn't go away from my head.
This could not be happening. Damn it! I couldn't... I mean; it'd ruin things. It had to ruin things. This was just a 24 hour thing. It's got to be. He was always with me during the most difficult moments; he was always ready to take my ass out of the holes I insisted on putting it in. He was always there so it was a normal reaction. It was normal to feel differently towards someone you spend so much time with. Completely normal. So tomorrow, everything would be okay. All these feelings and thoughts towards him would just go away and I would think of him just as I did before all of this happens. Yeah, that's it. It was just a 24 hour thing. I mean, it was just him. My closest friend who happened to be a boy. I couldn't... I just couldn't...
I couldn't possibly like him that way.
The doorbell rang... And it was him.
And it wasn't a 24 hour thing.
* * *
"So, tell me, what kind of movies did you rent?" Woody asked as he walked back to the couch with two bottles of cold beers. He was back from Wisconsin after four days there and I missed him like hell. Strange huh? I just thought that we could have a movie section to celebrate his back from his land.
I tapped the spot beside me mentioning Woody to sit and lifted two DVD boxes. "Casablanca and X Files The Movie."
When the magic words left my mouth his eyes widened and that big smile spread across his face. "You kidding..."
"Of course not." I smiled back and as he sat beside me I regretted that he did. He answered me something but I didn't really care at the moment, I didn't pay attention so I don't know what he said.
I breathed in and out slowly, like I was supposed to when I needed to be calm. My goodness, why did he have to sit so close? So close that I could feel his body warmth, that smell of his... I didn't mind sitting this close, no, no, but not when emotions like this ran through me. Especially when the person who it belonged to was right there. And how exactly did all this begin? How these feelings suddenly just popped inside me and made my so perfect world spin? Because as much as I enjoyed them giving me warmth, it was just complicated. I couldn't have that because it would mess up so much stuff and I probably wouldn't know anything anymore. It would ruin my so perfect world.
"Jordan?"
Suddenly I came back to earth with him calling my name and looked at him just to see the weird look on his face. "What?"
"Are you ok?"
"Of course. Why wouldn't I be?" I muttered and took the DVD from his hand and my fingers brushed his hand as I took the box, and we exchanged an awkward look. Well, me actually. Then I got up to put it in the player, thanking God for giving me a reason to get away from him, even if for a few seconds and being able to sit a little more away from him.
* * *
"Please God, give me all the strength I need." I silently prayed as I pounded my forehead on the bathroom wall. Why the hell did this have to kick in? Why the hell couldn't I even be in the same place as him? I was Jordan Cavanaugh, the master of controlling my feelings and keeping them at bay. So why, fucking why couldn't I just sit next to him without seeming I'd have a heart attack anytime?
Oh fuck... maybe it was just the temperature. Maybe it was just the... the... anything. Maybe my body was just playing games with me and making me think Woody was all hot and gorgeous and I wanted to have in my bed as soon as possible. Oh my god... it wasn't that. I finally realized that having Woody in my bed wouldn't be enough. It wasn't what I wanted. Not only it anyway. But what exactly did I want? And I couldn't, right? It was kind of random and... and... It would just screw things up a bit. I couldn't. Absolutely couldn't. It was just too familiar yet weird.
"Oh Lord, please help me." I pounded my forehead on the wall again, thinking that maybe some pain would take my mind from Woody to the throbbing in my head. Stupid, I know, but everybody thought that. I did not, and I repeat, I did not have feelings for him. Not those kind of feelings.
Ok, everything settled, everything right. I was in an agreement with myself so I could get out of bathroom. And I had to anyway, because Woody would call for me anytime. I was way too much inside my bathroom.
I sighed in deeply and closed my eyes to focus on my goal. Come on Jordan; just go, I thought, there's nothing wrong. I mean; it's just Woody. Holy crap....
I was going to die. I twitched as a chill ran up my spine. I wanted so badly to leave the bathroom and go sit with him yet I just wanted to stay put and don't see him. My head was spinning and I didn't know what to do.
"Come on. You have to go." I murmured trying to give myself courage enough to do so. "You can't stay here all day." I wiped my hands on my pants as I got up and left the room. Crap. Things really could change in a few hours or so.
This was so unhealthy for me.
* * *
"I don't know what's wrong with me..." I muttered trying hard to pretend Dr. Stiles wasn't staring at me as if I was some kind of freak.
"I think you do." He nodded and gave me that look which said 'you know exactly what's going on' shrinks always gave to their patients. "Not that there's something wrong with you."
I pressed my tongue against the inside of my cheek. I guess it was my fault for accidentally bringing up the whole Woody ordeal to Doc psychologist here; and now, I had to deal with him asking questions and such. I opened it and I have to close it. "I just... I'm not sure..."
"So, what now?"
"What do you mean 'what now'? You're not going to help?" I asked, even though my words came out more as a plea than anything else. I mean, he was supposed to help me. He was supposed to... what exactly? He couldn't give me the answers I didn't even try to find. "There's nothing to do about 'what now.' I'm not going to do anything."
"Jordan, you could even try."
"Try what? It's Woody. I'm not supposed to feel this away towards him. It's kind of forbidden."
"And why is that? Because you said so?"
I looked at him for about five minutes. Actually less, but it seemed so. Then finally words dared to leave my mouth. "I can't." He knew that. He knew I couldn't. I made a promise years before and I had broken it once, I couldn't do it again. I couldn't let myself feel something more than friendship for Woody.
"You're here practically telling me you want to be with him-"
"I never said that."
"- but you won't let yourself actually feel it." He went on as if I hadn't said a word to interrupt him. I looked down, not having the energy to stare at him. "Jordan, you can't keep that promise any longer. You're hurting yourself. You're keeping yourself from loving. If you don't try to have a true relationship afraid that it's going to hurt you, you're really being stupid."
My head snapped up, my eyes widened in shock that he was actually calling me stupid and just. "Wha..." I started to say but closed my mouth when his hand went up to tell me to shut up.
"You're keeping yourself from being happy. Have you ever thought that you're living a lie? Try looking at yourself in the mirror when you say the same things that you told me. Look yourself on the face."
"Don't you think I tried? I'm afraid." I whispered as I tried hard to keep tears from falling. Damn it. I didn't want to cry. I didn't need that. I shouldn't be even feeling like that.
"You have to try again. You can't keep running all the time. You may reach a dead end and you'll have to come back. You can't keep it in forever. Feelings like that don't stay in."
I looked back at him, looking at him with a blank face. I knew what he was saying, but at the same time, I just didn't. His words were very slowly registering and it seemed they would not get inside my brain anytime soon. "..What do you mean 'feelings like that don't stay in'?" I asked after a moment of silence.
He smiled at me with that small, mysterious smile of his and put his hands behind his head. "You know what I mean. Just think about it."
I looked at him puzzled and he did nothing but smile. Wow. Thanks Dr. Stiles. You're a great help.... Sarcasm intended.
* * *
Holy Mother of God....
I let the pen fall out of my hands and stared into nothing, focused on something beyond the wall ahead of me. I finally got what Dr. Stiles was saying... and it was all true.
'Feelings like that don't stay in.'
...I think mine just came out.
'You can't keep running all the time.'
I think I knew what he meant.
Holy.
Shit
...I'm in love with Woody...
* * *
End of chapter three. Yay. Seriously, I got so enthusiasmed to do this. Suddenly everything just popped I my head and know exactly what to write.
Review please, otherwise I won't post more because I won't know if you like it or not.
