A Simple Twist of Fate (Or Love) 4

Author's Note: Ok, so again I'm sorry for the delay. Working in so many fanfics make it hard to keep up with everything. And this chapter was kind of... I don't know. I just couldn't put my thought into words and finish this damn chapter, which I believe will be the last one.

Read and review.

~*~

DamnitDamnitDamnitDamnitDamnitDamnitDamnitDamnitDamnitDamnitDamnitDamnitDamnit!

Damn it...

Oh Holy Lord... What am I going to do? I thought to myself as I nervously paced the small space in front of my couch. What am I going to do? I whirled and paced the way back, ending where I had started and whirled again. This could not happen. Of everything that COULD have happened, it had to be just that? It was wrong, it was irrational and it went against all my believes. It went against all that I had built up around me for twenty years. It couldn't...

It just couldn't happen.

I finally stopped pacing and sat on the couch when a headache started to kick in, realizing that walking in circles would only increase the pain in my head. I couldn't stop twisting my hands as Dr. Stiles' words kept running in my head over and over again and the more I thought about it the more scared I became. My legs started making repetitive up and down involuntary moves and I bit the very edge of my lip until the metallic taste of blood touched my tongue.

I couldn't do it. I couldn't handle it. Damn, I couldn't let myself fall for him... I couldn't... I looked at everywhere in my apartment, my eyes not being able to stay quiet and focus on one single thing. I couldn't stay. I had... I needed to get away from everything. I had to sort things out. Think things through. And I couldn't do that here. Yeah, I needed to be away from everything for a while.

Thinking that I had made up my mind, I rushed to my bedroom and packed all I needed as quickly as I could, throwing my things careless inside a bag. As I ran to the bathroom to take a few things my eyes found a glimpse of my guitar and I made a mental note to grab that too.

With my bag full and closed and my guitar securely with me I walked to the door. It was strange that I didn't care of leaving everything behind, of not caring about things, but never left my precious guitar behind. It was the only thing I actually never left behind. I needed the music to distract me and fill the holes inside me when I felt too alone. When I played my guitar all I focused on was the music and paid attention to not make any mistakes.

I opened the red, old wood door and stopped for a second to look around. I sighed deeply when I realized that I was running once again. God... I always ran. I always gathered what I needed, what I thought I needed for survival and ran. How could I always leave my loved ones behind? How did I have the courage to do so?

Because you are always scared, I heard that annoying little voice in the bottom of my head.

I was scared of feeling; that I would end up hurt, end up pushing people away. That I wouldn't be able to have control of things and stop whatever evil thing that could happen. That my feelings would grow so much and in the end be just left there with no one to accept it. I was scared of my heart and soul being torn, especially how strong I felt for the person. I was just scared. The fear blocked my path.

So I ran.

And the fear was left behind with everything else.

* * *

I didn't know where I was going, but that really wasn't my top priority. The pieces were suddenly being broken apart, torn.. like me. I got pulled up and I just had to get fucking pushed down again. I was falling and couldn't see anything to grab a hold on. Something to save me. When I thought I was in control over everything something had to happen just to rub on my face that I had control over fucking nothing. That I was hopeless. Helpless.

I loved him damn it. I knew I couldn't fight this. I couldn't stop feelings from finding their own way inside me. I loved him with everything I had. I never felt this way for anybody before. I'm in love for goodness fucking sake. And THAT couldn't happen.

I kept on driving... I just kept on driving. I had nowhere to go and no place to stop, so what was the reason of not drive? So I just kept on driving. I'd stop eventually when I needed gas. Without gas the car wouldn't move anymore so I'd be forced to stop. That would be the only way to stop me. My hands had a tight grip on the steering wheel. I looked at myself in the rear view mirror, seeing something I've never seen before that was in me.

My eyes didn't seem to be mine. They had no light in them anymore, no sparkle of any sorts. Nothing. They were ice and cold and empty. That scared me, scared me to see such a thing in me. To see the emptiness I felt inside when I should feel complete, whole. Feel alive for being in love. I thought that that was how I looked like when mom was murdered. When I found her bloody and dead body on the floor.

Then I felt that burning behind me eyes turn into real tears and drop shameless out of my eyes.

I pulled over to the side. I needed to calm down, to wipe my tears away and clear my eyes so I could see the road again. I didn't want to stop but the salty state of my eyes forced me to do so. I wondered when I had lost the control over things. When they escaped out of my grasp. I wiped my eyes with my long sleeved shirt and sniffed. I breathed in and out slowly, getting my breathes back to normal.

Then I kept on driving again.

* * *

"Just dial the freaking numbers you moron," I mumbled to myself.



I tried to give myself confidence to do my goal in mind, but it wasn't coming as quickly as I hoped. I paced back and forth repeatedly throughout my hotel room and if I kept this up, I was going to have serious troubles with the hotel guy. The thing was, why are the simplest things, sometimes the hardest ones to do? It baffled me and I just didn't get it.

I was gone from Boston for a few days now and I was sure everyone was worried about me. At least I hoped so. And internally I truly hoped Woody was the one worried the most. I knew it was stupid because my dad would probably be more worried than everyone else, but my mixed feelings for Woody just got into the way and made me see not the reality I lived in.

I eyed the phone in my hand and quickly made up my mind right there and then. I turned it on and hastily dialed dad's bar number. I told myself over and over that I already got one step down and there was really no use on leaving it unfinished. I needed to call dad and tell him I was ok.

Simple.

I tapped my fingers to some random beat on my leg as I glanced at the clock and waited dad to pick up the phone, and after two or three seconds I heard his breathed out voice. "Jordan?"

"Dad... hi." I said with that little bit of uncertainty in my voice. I wasn't really sure of what to expect. If a harsh angry preach from Dad or happy, relieved words.

"Jordan, for God's sake, where are you? What do you think you're doing?" His voice was calm but firm as if he was used to me running like that, what was true, but he still thought it was the most wrong idea. I could picture him leaned over the counter, teeth gritted and a hard frown.

"Dad, I just..."

"Are you ok? You know what? Come back right now. Come back and we will talk and you will tell me why you ran."

"I'm ok. I needed to get away from things for a while... " I started but then I heard Woody's muffled voice talking to dad.

~Hey, Max.~ He sounded tired and worn out. I could hear his movements as he sat somewhere near dad and sighed. ~Any news from Jordan, yet? I swear when I find her I'm gonna kick her ass all the way back home...~ I felt a smile spread across my face like in those freaking McDonald's commercials as I heard his faked attempt to threaten me. And he had said 'when' instead of 'if'. It could seem dumb but it made me smile even bigger. I knew he would come to me no matter what.

"It's Jordan on the phone." Dad said and I swear I could hear him jumping from his tool to grab the phone.

"Jordan? Are you ok? Where are you?"

"Hi Woody." I whispered somewhat embarrassed. "How ya doing?"

"Don't give me that, Jordan Cavanaugh. Do you have any idea how much you worried us? Everyone is worried to death. You didn't call for days. I even thought you were dead."

His words were harsh but concerned. I felt as though they were touching my very soul. He reminded me that someone truly cared. I knew that, I knew I had people who cared deeply about me I just needed someone to remember me sometimes. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to..." I trailed off, not really knowing what to say and again that burning feeling behind my eyes kicked in.

I think he noticed that because he sighed softly. "It's ok, Jordan. I didn't want to be harsh. I just... Can you tell me where you are?"

I didn't want to go back, not yet, but I couldn't exactly stay away forever. I wanted to tell him that, I wanted to tell him bye and hung up, but while my mind told me to do exactly that my heart screamed for him and it seemed this time my heart would win. "Cincinnati."

"Ok. Now just stay put, all right? Can you give me the address and I'll pick you up."

"Woody, I..." I shook my head to myself. God, I couldn't go back yet. I was still hurting. The pain lingered inside of my body. I was still confused, still numb and lost. All in all, I felt the same all together.

"Shh, you don't need to come back. Yet at least. I'll just come to you and we talk, all right?"

I hadn't even spoken, yet he knew what I meant. He knew me too well. That was always the problem. While I kept him so very far away, he was still always right up close with me. And I knew that even trying to keep him far away, somehow I just ended bringing him closer. I tried so hard not to show my vulnerability to anybody, but Woody always knew something was up with me but he didn't ask or pushed the issue. He understood me completely it seemed like. And it was all the whole scarier.

"Ok. I'm...." My voice faded off, and I closed her eyes for a moment, blinking away the pooling liquid forming in my eyes. Seconds later, finding my voice again, I give him the address.

"Can you wait for me?" He asked with that uncertainty hint in his voice and I wasn't able to speak for a moment. "Jordan?"

"Ok."

I think my voice wasn't strong enough because he sighed and speak again. "Promise me, Jordan."

I knew he wouldn't give up or even hung up until I had said the words he so much wanted to hear, so I did and I planed on keeping my promise. "I promise."

"Ok. I'll be there in a few hours. Wait for me."

"I'll be here."

* * *

Emerging, a few hours later, into the bright sun light I pulled on my sunglasses and I crossed my arms as I waited for Woody to arrive. I was anxious and nervous, not knowing what to do with my hands and feet, as I moved them all the time. I thought that crossing my arms would stop at least my hands from twisting.

It was stupid, it was senseless and it was irritating me. I put my arms harshly beside my body and sighed angrily. Just then a car pulled up and I looked expectantly, hoping it was finally Woody. And it was. As he got out of the car my heart fluttered and all the feelings came rushing back. Whenever I see him again, it's like it's the first time ever. It always felt new. He locked eyes with mine and a sweet smile crept up on his face. He locked eyes with mine and a sweet smile crept up on his face. His face held that relieved expression, his eyes twinkled and this rush of relief and happiness went through me. He flashed that gorgeous smile, the one that reached his eyes and lit up all of his features

He walked over to me and as soon as he got close enough he slapped the side of my head softly. "Dumbass." He said and before I could even open my mouth to protest his abusive self, he wrapped his arms around me and lifted my up, bringing me closer and tightening his arms around me.

"I'm glad to see you, too."

Instead of saying something, he let out a breathy sigh and tightened his arm eve more around me. He put me back down and took his arms from around me so he could cup my face in his smooth and gentle hands. Before saying a single word he just stared at me for a long while, burning his eyes in mine. "Don't do that again. Ever again."

His eyes were so deep into mine that it was causing an uncomfortable effect on me. This proximity was becoming too much. I tried to discreetly step away from his touch and turned my eyes down shakily, trying to break his connection with me, but unable to do so. "Yeah, I... I wasn't myself. It was just a spur of the moment thing."

"I think running more than once isn't a spur of the moment."

I crossed my arms in a protective position, trying to keep him from me and all the feelings he brought. I walked away from him, putting some space between us. "I don't think it's your business."

He was walking to me and stopped in his tracks when he heard my words, then spoke to me across the few feet that separated us; across the wall I always built to keep myself from getting too close to anyone. "Not my business?? For crying out loud, Jordan!" He ran his fingers nervously in his hair, rubbing his eyes as his hands passed over them. "I can't believe you're saying this..." He whispered, trailing off.

I stood there, staring at him as he tried to keep his focus, to keep his cool. Maybe he was telling himself to deal because that was I, the Jordan he always knew. Maybe he was having a small chit chat inside his head, trying to understand me better, to find out what to say, what to do.

He looked up, back at me and stared right into my eyes. "You became my business two years ago, Jordan. As much as I tried I couldn't take you out of my head. I couldn't let go of you. Do you think running away would change things? You were gone for over a week. Every kind of bad things ran in my head. I thought that every kind of things could have happened to you. I love you, Jordan."

Suddenly the anger I felt before changed and I found that they were replaced by a new wave of feeling. Something richer, heavier, penetrated my skin and bones heart and mind. Seeped through every wall and filled every nook and cranny and hidden space.

Oh Sweet Lord, it was love. Real, thick, messy love. Love for Woody like I had never felt before.

"What's it gonna be, Jordan? Is it you run every time you feel something, or are you finally ready to let go?" Woody interrupted my thoughts.

I turned back to face him fully, pulling my sunglasses off so that my eyes were no longer covered. I think he could see that they were laced with fresh pain. Admittedly, somewhere, buried beneath every thought of fear and anger, rage and hatred, I had known Woody wouldn't leave me, he never did. "Let go of what?" I stalled, trying to come to some reasonable understanding of what I should say.

"Of your past. Your mother's murder."

"I can't forget her..."

"No." He put both hands on my arms, softly caressing me skin there, letting his fingers gently play with my skin. "I'm not telling you to forget her, I'm telling you to stop living in the past and start to live the now. To live your life and let go of what happened. You can't keep living in the past and stop yourself from being happy."

"What if I'm not supposed tl be happy? What if I can't?"

"You don't know. No one does. We have to try. Have you tried yet Jordan?" I just kept staring at him trying to find the right words to answer this. But I couldn't. If I did I would lie to him and I didn't want to do that. He brought his hand up, from my arms to my face, cupping it again. "We're taking a gamble here, by trying to pursue a relationship. But, it's a gamble I'm willing to take. Are you?" Woody narrowed his eyes, but did not break their intense gaze into my own eyes as he waited my response.

"How did you do it, Woody?" I asked despondently.

"Do what?"

"Overcome all of the doubts and fear enough to show me the true you? How do you take the risk of a moment of happiness when we can end up hurt?…when we could lose each other?"

"Like I said, Jordan, this whole thing…us…it's a gamble, but I play to win, I always have. In my opinion, you're worth it, the question is whether or not you feel the same." His voice was steady and almost soothing. "Is giving us a chance worth it or not?"

A string of emotions ran through me; confusion and anger were the forerunners, but they were followed quickly by love and understanding, which led me to the one emotion that finally answered his whole search: fear.

Fear of losing the person I loved just like happened with my mom.

I used to always deny it, but I knew that Woody always loved me no matter what. No matter my 'issues', my 'jump into the act' way of doing things, never listening to anyone. But I, well, I was a lot less sure of my feelings before. I couldn't really love him, because I couldn't love anyone. My heart was frozen; I had turned it into a cold ice cube, stopping myself from loving so I wouldn't get hurt. But I remembered wondering whether, if I could love him then could we be happy together? Was I willing to take this gamble? Was I willing to lose him forever just to try to be happy with him?

I closed my eyes and the liquid pools in them began to overflow, tears leaving trails down my cheeks, but my voice was soft as silk. "Yes." I answered him with much more vehemence than I had ever felt in my life. After a few seconds of silence I felt his lips against my eyelids, first one, then the other. I opened my eyes to meet his, bright and caring. And then everything felt to be melting as he captured my lips in what felt to me like our first real kiss.

It was the first time that I had really kissed him. Like, really, truly kissed him and meant it and been all there - mind, body and soul.

And, wow, it was good.

I was always one of letting only my body speak. This was easy for me, the physical, doing stuff. But the other, mushy, gushy stuff? Not so much. To me the sex was easy and all I needed. Why have all the package if I could have only the fun? I didn't need that, or so I thought. I never really stopped to think if I missed the real thing, the feelings, the doing silly things together, the true, deep meaning behind the physical thing. But with Woody it was completely different. I didn't think of the physical, I thought about the whole package. About the feelings hidden behind all that.

I always let my brain speak for myself instead of letting the true words in my heart. It was stupid, I finally realized, because that way I was hurting myself even more. I was hurting without the pleasure and happiness that usually came with the pain. I only felt the pain. The fear made me hurt and stop loving. But now I wanted to change it. I wanted to be happy.

But could I... Would I be happy with him?

That was my chance to find out.

~Fin~

So, what do you think? Worthy reading? Worthy a review?