CHAPTER TWO

"I'm on the outside of love
Always under or above
I can't find my way in
I try again and again…"

Inside Of Love – Nada Surf

"No you guy's don't understand! Oliver…he is bad for Marissa. He is obsessed with her and I'm afraid he is going to hurt her. He's already tried to hurt himself for God's sake!" Sandy put his hands on Ryan's shoulders to calm in down. "You really want me to go to a Doctor?" Ryan asks, calming down.

"It's what's best for you." Whispers Kirsten.

"Fine…but I'm not lying." Ryan storms off to the pool house and slams the door.

Kirsten shudders. "Sandy…do you think we were too hard him?"

"No, definitely not." He points his finger towards the pool house. "And he better not pull another stunt! I'm going to go make a few phone calls. See if I can find someone to knock some sense into Ryan."

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Ryan sat down on his bed and picked up the book he was reading in English class. As much as he tried to focus on the book, he couldn't. He kept thinking about Oliver and Marissa. How could no one trust him after what he has done for Marissa. She is the only person he truly cares about right now. Oliver was in his way. He needed to get Oliver out of the picture for good. But how? He thought to himself. He then decided to go pay a little visit to Seth. Maybe he might have changed his mind about Oliver. Before Ryan could finished his thought Seth walked into the pool house.

"I guess we don't knock around here anymore." Ryan mumbled to himself.

"You okay? I couldn't help but overhear what mom and dad said to you. You want to talk about it?" Seth hesitated, "If you don't, I understand."

"Do you trust me?" Ryan asked

"Um…. Yeah, I guess. I mean you trust me don't you?"

"Yeah." Ryan signed. "Your parents don't believe me, but Oliver is bad news. He was the one on the phone after supper today and –"

Seth cut him off. "And what did he say?"

"Well he apologized to me about the fight. And he said I shouldn't get in something I can't win, like Marissa." He looked at Seth who did not understand him. "He hasn't won, Seth. I have to protect her!"

"Ryan, I don't get it, he apologized…what is there to worry about?."

"It was the way he said it." He looked to the floor. "You don't believe me."

"It's not that I don't believe you…it's just that well…it's over Ryan and you screwed up. You broke into the file office, then you broke into Marissa's locker. He does have a reason to hate you."

With that said, Ryan could no longer control himself. He wanted too much to pound Seth's face in, but he knew that, that wouldn't accomplish anything. Only more trouble with Sandy and Kirsten. Instead he clenched his fist to his sides and glared at Seth, who looked like a little kid that stole a cookie from the cookie jar.

"Chill out Ryan. Jesus, what's with you?" Seth asked with a concerned look on his face.

Ryan didn't chill out.

Ryan walked up to Seth and met him face to face. "How can you tell me to chill out? If there was some psycho after Anna, I'm sure you'd feel the same way I feel!" Ryan yelled at Seth.

"That's not the point…you can't—" Seth saw Ryan's face change and knew exactly what he was about to do.

Seth ducked down and Ryan's fist when through the plaster in the wall. Stunned, Ryan pulled back his fist, clenched it and rested it in this other hand. The blood from the blow to his hand dripped to the floor and Ryan walked off to the bathroom.

Seth stood there puzzled. As much as he wanted to check up on Ryan, he didn't. Instead he went back to the house, to his room and slammed his door shut. Seconds later his father knocked on the door.

"Go away." Yelled out to his father, but it was too late his dad was already in his room.

"It's 9 o'clock Seth, what with the door slamming?" Sandy could sense that his son was afraid of something.

There was no answer to Seth.

"So…now you're all of a sudden the silent type?" Sandy said, sitting down on his bed.

Seth was silent for a few minutes. He didn't know if Ryan was hurt or not. He also didn't know if he should tell his dad about his conversation with Ryan. Or the fact that Ryan had tried to punch his head in.

"I think you should go check on Ryan." Seth mumbled.

"What's wrong with Ryan?" Sandy was concerned now.

"I don't feel like talking right now dad. Just go check on him okay? I'm going to bed."

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Ryan was still in the bathroom when he heard a knock at the glass door of the pool house. He was cleaning the blood off his fist when Sandy walked in and noticed Ryan wasn't in there. For a second Sandy thought that he had ran off on him again, but then Ryan came out of the bathroom hiding his fist in his other hand.

Sandy noticed Ryan's eyes. Sad and so distant from the world just like the first day he met him in juvy. He knew that Ryan wasn't okay. "Seth told me I should check on you…" He looked over to his right and noticed the big hole in the wall. "What happened?" Sandy's voice rose.

"Seth-" He thought to himself, this wasn't the time to go and blame his son. It was his fault, not Seth's. "I did it, sorry."

"After what we talked about in the kitchen?" Sandy inspected the hole in the wall.

Ryan could sense the coldness in Sandy's voice.

Ryan went over to his bed and sat down. "I'm sorry…" He hesitated then rested his head in his hands trying to control his emotions and the headache that was growing in the back of his head.

Sandy went and took a seat next to him on his bed and noticed Ryan's swelled fist. "It's okay. We'll just throw a poster over the hole and it will be gone."

Ryan knew that throwing a poster over a hole wouldn't change anything. Throwing anything on top of something that is damaged won't change the outcome. He has done that too many times in his life. All that's all that's left right now in Ryan's life…holes. Soon, the Cohen's would realize that a poster wouldn't fix anything. He can't change who he is.

"You'll need some ice for that fist of yours," Sandy commented. "Come on lets go to the kitchen."

Ryan iced his hand while Sandy tried to talk to him. He was too caught up in his own head that he hadn't heard a single word Sandy was telling him. All he could think about was Oliver. Oliver was probably with Marissa right now. Ryan's face twisted with anger.

"…Ryan?" Sandy looked at him. "Are you listening?"

"I'm tired." Ryan walked off towards the pool house and left Sandy standing in the middle of kitchen, shaken.

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The week went by too slow for Ryan. He stayed in the pool house most of the time, only going into the house to eat dinner with the Cohen's. Seth was still uneasy with him and he wasn't sure if he was going to forgive him for almost punching his face in. It seemed like he was distancing himself away from the Cohen's. Ryan had the urge to run away but didn't have the strength too. He had worn himself down by keeping up late at night, worrying over Marissa and concentrating on a plan to win her back from Oliver.

Ryan walked into the kitchen and sat himself on a stool at the kitchen counter. Seth was already there sipping coffee and reading a comic book, which he knew Seth had already read like 50 times.

Sandy walked into the kitchen, "So Ryan, I'll pick you up after detention today, okay" He said, pouring himself a cup of coffee.

Ryan poured himself a bowl of Captain Crunch and starred at it for the longest time before dumping it back into the box. He wasn't really that hungry this morning.

"No, it's okay…I'll just walk home."

"Don't be ridiculous! It's a far walk; I'll pick you up. No buts." Sandy walked away from the kitchen before Ryan could protest.

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Seth and Ryan drove to school in silence. As soon as they got to school Seth separated from him and went off to find Anna. Ryan spotting Marissa alone and trotted up to her.

"Hey…" Ryan said examining the hallways looking for Oliver to pop up from nowhere.

"What do you want?" She asked not looking him.

"I'm sorry." He apologized. "I didn't mean to fight him and I didn't mean to hurt you like I did."

"Look Ryan, it's over. We're done."

Marissa could see the pain in Ryan's eyes as he walked off down the hall and turned the corner. Just then Oliver came up behind her.

"Hey!" He shouted.

Startled, she turned around and hugged Oliver. "Hey…" Marissa was still thinking about Ryan.

"What's the matter?" Oliver could see that she was distracted. "Ryan? I heard he's back at school today. Are you okay?"

"Yeah I'm fine." She said, fidgeting with the lock on her locker. "He just apologized to me."

Oliver was getting mad. "He doesn't deserve you Marissa…you deserve someone much better than him…"

"I told him it's over, Oliver."

"Oh…"

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At lunchtime Ryan realized he had no one to sit with. Everyone he knew was mad at him. So he took a seat by himself at the far corner of the food court. And instead of eating, he pulled out his books and started to work on his Math.

"Hey what's up…?" Luke asked, sitting down at the table and pulling out his lunch.

"Oh hey." Boy, was Ryan glad Luke and him had sorted out their differences.

"Where is everyone?"

Ryan glanced over the to the other side of the food court. Seth, Anna, Marissa, Summer and Oliver were all at a table eating lunch. "Over there." He said, pointing over to the table. "Look I've got to go see Mr. Hatchery about an assignment." He lied and walked away.

Ryan felt like he was back in Chino, he was lost. He barely paid attention in any of his classes and had gotten in trouble in English class for dozing off. He knew he couldn't stay he here. He felt too awkward being around all these rich brats. He was tempted to skip the afternoon, but he knew he was already in too much trouble. Besides, he had to go to detention.

In detention Ryan found Oliver sitting at a table working. Ryan knew for sure that Oliver must have gotten detention just to make him go crazy. And it was working.

"Ryan…" Oliver said, walking toward his desk. "I heard the bad news. Sorry to hear."

"Bastard…" Ryan mumbled

"Marissa and I, we have something…And whether you like or not, its there. Always will be."

The teacher walked into the detention room and ordered Oliver to sit back down at his desk.

"You better pray for yourself." Ryan said, as Oliver was making his way back to his desk. He then stopped short and turned around and glared at Ryan.

"Mr.Trast, desk…now." The teacher shouted out to him.

"It's nothing personal Ryan, but you should really let go of that bad-boy image…it's getting too old. I mean look at yourself. How is anyone ever going to believe someone as pathetic as you are." Oliver said.

Ryan stood up and charged Oliver.

"Boys! That's enough!" The teacher yelled, splitting up the two boys.

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Ryan sat back in a chair in Dr. Kim's office waiting for Sandy to come. Dr. Kim had called him as soon she heard there was a fight.

Ryan looked to the floor and spaced out. He was beating himself up inside his head. He knew he blew his only chance at getting back at Oliver. And the Cohen's were for sure going to kick him out. He was nothing. Why would they want something as broken as he is?

Sandy and Dr. Kim walked into her office and Sandy took a seat next to Ryan.

"Mr. Cohen, I'm not sure this is working for Ryan—"

Sandy cut her off. "Look, Dr. Kim…have you talked with Oliver?"

"Yes, I have and I've also had a little chat with Ryan. And Ryan doesn't want anything more than to leave this place and go to a public school."

Sandy shot a look at Ryan. "Is this true?"

Ryan didn't say anything. He kept staring at the floor.

"Dr. Kim…he's not thinking straight. We haven't talked about this." He looked at Ryan. "Why did you fight him? What happened this time?" Sandy asked

Ryan looked up from the floor and met Sandy's eyes. "You don't trust me." He shot back with raw emotion. "Whatever I say, you'll just use against me."

Sandy turned to Dr. Kim. "Can you reconsider everything? I mean…let me talk to Ryan and get back with you this week?"

Dr. Kim starred at Ryan, who was for sure not on the same page as everyone else in the room. "I'm going to have to suspend him, again. Two-day suspension should do this time. And when you come back Ryan, I want you to have your life settled down, if not, your out of there."

Ryan nodded in agreement and with Sandy he left the Dean's office.

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"Just go down and talk to him, if it's bugging you this much." Anna said to Seth, lying down on his bed with Captain Oats in her hands.

Seth paced the floor of his bedroom. "No…he should come to me. He's the one who almost hit me…I mean how can he do that? He's crazy…he's…Why me? Why should I go and apologize for ducking low and missing his fist in my face? That's stupid."

"You're right Seth." Anna said sarcastically. "Let the humble boy come to you and open up." Anna laughs and tosses Captain Oats on the bed. "Come let's go play some Troll Quest."

Seth and Anna made their way downstairs and found Ryan watching TV. As soon as Ryan saw Seth he turned off the TV and tossed the remote on the couch and walked passed him and Anna. He needed to get out of the Cohen's house. He didn't feel welcomed, with Seth there. He knew he couldn't leave though, he had an appointment with Dr. Harris. He couldn't believe that Sandy and Kirsten were making him talk to a total stranger. There was no way Ryan was going to open up to a total stranger, let alone anyone. He has never really talked to someone about how he felt. The only person he was open to was Theresa. She understood him and cared for him. She always believed and trusted in him. He needed to see her not some stupid doctor.

Back in the den Anna and Seth were playing PS2, while Ryan was in the kitchen eating an early supper because he had to go see Dr. Harris, the therapist.

"Looks like he doesn't feel like chatting, huh?" Anna whispers.

"When does he ever?" Seth spat out too loud.

"Seth, keep it down."

"If he can't talk, then I guess can't hear." Seth shouted out, making sure Ryan was going to hear him from the Kitchen. And he did. Ryan walked over to the den and stood there leaning against the wall. "Why, hello there Ryan." He smirked and continued playing Troll Quest.

"I'm not deaf."

"Good to hear then. I guess you solved my hypothesis."

Before Ryan could say a word to Seth, Sandy walked in and patted Ryan on the shoulder. "Okay let's go." Sandy said and Ryan gave him a glare. "It's not that bad…" Sandy went on, trying to reassure Ryan. But whom was he kidding? Of course it was bad. Ryan was in a hole. He dug it, but doesn't seem to want to get out of it.

At the doctor's office, Ryan and Sandy sat in silence waiting for Ryan to be called upon. The tiny waiting room was small and Ryan felt claustrophobic. Sandy was sitting way too close to him. Ryan stood up and paced the tiny room. He needed a cigarette real bad right now but he had promised the Cohen's he would stop his bad habit. He still had a couple of cigarettes left in his pack in his jacket. He walked over to his jacket and pulled out the smokes and a lighter.

Sandy looked up from his magazine. "Thought you quit?"

"I did. Do you mind?" He asked motioning towards the door. Just as he said that the doctor opened the door to his office and a girl, a bit younger than Ryan did, walked out of the office. The doctor called him in and Sandy went back to reading his magazine.

Dr. Harris' office was a lot bigger than the small waiting area outside his office. There were 2 couches, 2 chairs and a desk all scattered in the room. Dr. Harris motioned him to take a seat in a chair opposite of himself. He then opened a file, which Ryan assumed contained everything about him, and studied it for awhile.

"I'm Dr. Harris, Ryan. But you can call me Greg if you like." Dr. Harris said, closing Ryan's file on his lap. Ryan nodded and looked around the room. "Did you want to tell me why you think Sandy brought you here?"

Ryan starred at the wall opposite of him, while Greg bore holes into him. Ryan wasn't going to open up to this 'Greg' guy. He looked like wasn't the most pleasant guy to open up to either. He wore a black suit, which looked way too small for his size. If Ryan was thinking about bolting out of the room, he was wrong. The doctor would for sure squish him, even hurt him. He was twice the size Ryan was.

"You just want to sit here for a half hour then?" Greg asked, opening Ryan's file again. Ryan didn't respond. "Sandy told me you broke into the school. What was that about, Ryan?" Still, there was no answer from Ryan. "Look Ryan, if you want me to help you, you have to talk to me. I can't have a conversation with myself. I'm here to help you."

"Look," Ryan said, turning towards Greg. "I'm not here for any help."

"Then tell me what you are here for then." Greg asked, studying Ryan.

"Mr. Cohen—Sandy, he's making me. This is not my choice." Ryan said, raising his voice.

"He's making you, because he is concerned about you Ryan. Now tell me why you broke into the school. What happened?" The doctor asked.

Ryan gave in and lowered his head to the ground and began explaining everything to the doctor. "This guy—Oliver, he's after my girlfriend, well not girlfriend anymore. He is not stable and he could hurt her. So I broke into the file room to prove to her that he is sick." Ryan looked at the doctor. "He cut his wrists over a girl at his old school, and now all of a sudden he in transferred over to my school. He's bad news…no one believes me."

The doctor nodded for Ryan to go on.

"See you don't believe me!" Ryan bellowed out to the doctor. "No one does."

"Now Ryan, I didn't say I didn't believe you. Just calm down." Ryan rested into his seat, and starred at the doctor. "Tell me about you family."

Which family, Ryan thought to himself. The Cohen's or the Attwood's, Ryan hesitated then asked, "Which family?"

"Not the Cohen's, yours."

"They are history." Ryan was not saying anymore then that. He sat there for the longest time, playing with the cuff on his wrist. The doctor sat there and studied Ryan, while making notes in his book.

"Okay, well time's up Ryan. I'll see you next week." The doctor said.

Ryan rushed out of the office and grabbed his jacket and pack of smokes next to Sandy. Startled, Sandy rose to his feet and followed Ryan out of the building and to his car. Ryan sat in the passenger seat and lit up his smoke. He knew Sandy didn't allow Ryan smoking, especially in the car.

"Hey, put that out." Sandy said. Ryan rolled down his window and tossed the half-smoked cigarette out the window. Sandy studied Ryan closely on the ride back home. There was no talking the whole time. Ryan was slouched down in the passenger seat with his head leaning against the window, starring out at the scenery.

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It was a Wednesday afternoon and Ryan had been in the pool house most of the day. It was the last day of his suspension. Sandy had come by a couple of times, trying to talk to him, but Ryan had turned the other cheek on him. He did though, agree to continue going to Harbor. It was close to dinnertime, when there was a knock at the door to the pool house. It was Luke.