The days went by long and slow. Our days were spent between sitting in a
lonely hospital room, and comforting Ryan and Conor in the NICU. They were
still too small and too sick to hold. Most of the time I held out my
finger and touched their tiny baby hands.
My mother visited the hospital a few days before, without my father, whose convenient excuse was that he had to work, "protecting the citizens of the town." Most days I didn't think about his pathetic existence. If he couldn't take a day out of his waste of time that he called his life, to see his grandchildren, who were gravely sick, I didn't want to know him.
***
After a week in the hospital, slowly improving, Conor crashed. His lungs were having trouble holding up and he was given a mess of medications and was given and oxyhood to give him 100% oxygen. That experience scared me half to death. It was the first glimpse into the reality of how precious and important every day of recovery needs to be. One slip and it could all be over.
Joey had gone back to the room about a half an hour ago, and I decided to call my mother.
"Hey ma." I said wearily. "Oh, Pacey is everything alright, how are they, are they doing better?" It took a moment for me to answer. "Well, uh, today Conor had a meltdown." "He stopped breathing for a minute and they gave him all of these medications." I felt a pain in my throat as I tried to choke back tears. "Mom, I don't know what to do, this is too much for me I can't-" She cut me off, "Pacey, never say you can't." "Don't worry, Pacey because you know what, you have Joey, and the both of you can get through this together, because that was marriage is all about." I wiped my eyes and paused for a long time. She was exactly right, we could get through this.
I drew in a deep breath, "Mom, we don't have any money." I whispered. "I don't- we barely were getting by before and now, with all the medical bills, it'll take a miracle to pay them all," I stopped as I heard my father's voice in the background." "Mary, who the hell are you talking to?" He blurted out. "Pacey, and John, and don't yell at me like that." I heard her yell back at him. "Pacey, what does he want?"
I cringed at his words. "You know what mom, I'll just call you later, preferably when you're not distracted." "Oh, Pacey I'll pray for them." "Yeah, I'll talk to you later, bye." I ran through the conversation over again in my head as I sauntered back to the room. I hadn't even noticed the tears forming in my eyes. I walked inside and Joey was leaning against the bed her back facing me. She turned to me and we stared at each other for a second.
For once in my life, I looked into her eyes, the eyes of my friend, the beautiful woman I had grown up with, and most importantly my wife, and I didn't know what to say. I couldn't find the words that would somehow turn this unpleasant situation into a good one. Instead, I looked deeper into her tear -stained eyes through my own, as I walked over to her and brought her close to me. She buried her face in my shoulder and let her tears soak through. At that time, it seemed we needed a miracle to get our sons healthy again.
***
Conor improved everyday. It brought a smile to my face knowing that he was getting stronger. But Ryan's condition worsened as the blood vessel reopened and, even with the drugs treating it, surgery was going to be the best answer, and it had to be soon.
Joey and I seriously started talking about how we would handle our expenses. It tore her up inside, and it seemed there was no other clear answers to fix it. The phone calls with my mother became more frequent and the support of my father couldn't have been farther away. I felt like I was getting pulled down with the problems facing us, like they were draining me inside and It was hard to cope with.
Ryan's surgery date inched closer and still there were no positive things coming out of our financial circumstances. One, early, rainy Sunday morning, I remember, something came over me and I realized that I had to go somewhere to be relieved of this pain around me.
Without Joey's knowledge, I left. I just left and I had no particular place to go but some how I found myself at Boston Common. My hands started shaking as I sat in the pouring rain, which was invisible to me, and thought of nothing. The rain dripped down my face, the late September wind whipped my shirt, and I thought of nothing.
To me, there was nothing to think of. I sat with an empty mind and a heavy heart for a long time.
When I got back to the hospital around four, never expecting the news I was going to be hit with. Joey met me with a concerned look on her face and tears in her eyes. "Oh my God, Pacey where were you?" She hugged me. "I'm sorry but I had to go out somewhere to be alone, what's the matter?" She pulled away and looked at me. She half smiled at me, but tears were flowing down her face.
"Pace, your mother called while you were gone and she said," Joey paused. "What, what did she say Jo, what's going on?" "She said that your father is going to pay for Ryan's surgery and some of the medical bills." "He said he'd pay, Pace." "I-" She started crying. "H-he is, a-are you sure I mean," I stuttered.
"He called this morning and said that he felt it was the right thing to do." The information just passed to me had a hard time processing in my mind. My father, whose parenting abilities were as bad as Michael Jordan's baseball career, my father who ranked on me everyday of my adolescent life, my father, had just given me the biggest lift of my life.
I stood shock for a while until I realized now what I had to do. "Joey, I- I have to go see him, now, tonight." "She nodded her head in agreement, "Go tell him thank you Pace, go talk to him."
Before I left I visited Ryan and Conor and told them where I was going, as Ryan's small hand wrapped around my finger, I was overwhelmed with emotion as my father had finally done something so incredible and special for me.
***
I raced down 93, thankful that I had no run-ins with the law as I was breaking just about all of the traffic and speeding laws. I got to their house around six thirty, just as the sun was setting.
I was going to let everything unfold and I had no idea what I would say to him. For some reason, when I walked up the steps tears formed in my eyes and I made no effort to wipe them away. I stood still as I rang the doorbell, I could hear my father's voice inside. "Ah, don't get up, I got it."
My father was 54 years old, but at that moment he became one of my childhood friends. He opened the door, and I stood and looked at him, the tears still flowing down my face. Neither of us made any effort to move. I cleared my throat. I slowly walked toward him and put my hand on his shoulder.
Then I did something I hadn't done for a long time, I hugged him. I cried, possibly the hardest in my life. "Thank you, oh god, thank you so much." I sobbed. I'm sorry for what I said I'm," "It's alright Pacey." I was never sure, but I think he started crying too.
I hugged him for a long time and told him how he changed my life and how he was helping us so much. He said something I really needed to hear too, he said that everything was going to be all right. I pulled away from him and that is when it hit me, it was. It was and that instant lift of happiness sealed it because I already had everything I always wanted.
That night was a big turning point to me and made me appreciate all that I had in my life and never take it for granted.
My mother visited the hospital a few days before, without my father, whose convenient excuse was that he had to work, "protecting the citizens of the town." Most days I didn't think about his pathetic existence. If he couldn't take a day out of his waste of time that he called his life, to see his grandchildren, who were gravely sick, I didn't want to know him.
***
After a week in the hospital, slowly improving, Conor crashed. His lungs were having trouble holding up and he was given a mess of medications and was given and oxyhood to give him 100% oxygen. That experience scared me half to death. It was the first glimpse into the reality of how precious and important every day of recovery needs to be. One slip and it could all be over.
Joey had gone back to the room about a half an hour ago, and I decided to call my mother.
"Hey ma." I said wearily. "Oh, Pacey is everything alright, how are they, are they doing better?" It took a moment for me to answer. "Well, uh, today Conor had a meltdown." "He stopped breathing for a minute and they gave him all of these medications." I felt a pain in my throat as I tried to choke back tears. "Mom, I don't know what to do, this is too much for me I can't-" She cut me off, "Pacey, never say you can't." "Don't worry, Pacey because you know what, you have Joey, and the both of you can get through this together, because that was marriage is all about." I wiped my eyes and paused for a long time. She was exactly right, we could get through this.
I drew in a deep breath, "Mom, we don't have any money." I whispered. "I don't- we barely were getting by before and now, with all the medical bills, it'll take a miracle to pay them all," I stopped as I heard my father's voice in the background." "Mary, who the hell are you talking to?" He blurted out. "Pacey, and John, and don't yell at me like that." I heard her yell back at him. "Pacey, what does he want?"
I cringed at his words. "You know what mom, I'll just call you later, preferably when you're not distracted." "Oh, Pacey I'll pray for them." "Yeah, I'll talk to you later, bye." I ran through the conversation over again in my head as I sauntered back to the room. I hadn't even noticed the tears forming in my eyes. I walked inside and Joey was leaning against the bed her back facing me. She turned to me and we stared at each other for a second.
For once in my life, I looked into her eyes, the eyes of my friend, the beautiful woman I had grown up with, and most importantly my wife, and I didn't know what to say. I couldn't find the words that would somehow turn this unpleasant situation into a good one. Instead, I looked deeper into her tear -stained eyes through my own, as I walked over to her and brought her close to me. She buried her face in my shoulder and let her tears soak through. At that time, it seemed we needed a miracle to get our sons healthy again.
***
Conor improved everyday. It brought a smile to my face knowing that he was getting stronger. But Ryan's condition worsened as the blood vessel reopened and, even with the drugs treating it, surgery was going to be the best answer, and it had to be soon.
Joey and I seriously started talking about how we would handle our expenses. It tore her up inside, and it seemed there was no other clear answers to fix it. The phone calls with my mother became more frequent and the support of my father couldn't have been farther away. I felt like I was getting pulled down with the problems facing us, like they were draining me inside and It was hard to cope with.
Ryan's surgery date inched closer and still there were no positive things coming out of our financial circumstances. One, early, rainy Sunday morning, I remember, something came over me and I realized that I had to go somewhere to be relieved of this pain around me.
Without Joey's knowledge, I left. I just left and I had no particular place to go but some how I found myself at Boston Common. My hands started shaking as I sat in the pouring rain, which was invisible to me, and thought of nothing. The rain dripped down my face, the late September wind whipped my shirt, and I thought of nothing.
To me, there was nothing to think of. I sat with an empty mind and a heavy heart for a long time.
When I got back to the hospital around four, never expecting the news I was going to be hit with. Joey met me with a concerned look on her face and tears in her eyes. "Oh my God, Pacey where were you?" She hugged me. "I'm sorry but I had to go out somewhere to be alone, what's the matter?" She pulled away and looked at me. She half smiled at me, but tears were flowing down her face.
"Pace, your mother called while you were gone and she said," Joey paused. "What, what did she say Jo, what's going on?" "She said that your father is going to pay for Ryan's surgery and some of the medical bills." "He said he'd pay, Pace." "I-" She started crying. "H-he is, a-are you sure I mean," I stuttered.
"He called this morning and said that he felt it was the right thing to do." The information just passed to me had a hard time processing in my mind. My father, whose parenting abilities were as bad as Michael Jordan's baseball career, my father who ranked on me everyday of my adolescent life, my father, had just given me the biggest lift of my life.
I stood shock for a while until I realized now what I had to do. "Joey, I- I have to go see him, now, tonight." "She nodded her head in agreement, "Go tell him thank you Pace, go talk to him."
Before I left I visited Ryan and Conor and told them where I was going, as Ryan's small hand wrapped around my finger, I was overwhelmed with emotion as my father had finally done something so incredible and special for me.
***
I raced down 93, thankful that I had no run-ins with the law as I was breaking just about all of the traffic and speeding laws. I got to their house around six thirty, just as the sun was setting.
I was going to let everything unfold and I had no idea what I would say to him. For some reason, when I walked up the steps tears formed in my eyes and I made no effort to wipe them away. I stood still as I rang the doorbell, I could hear my father's voice inside. "Ah, don't get up, I got it."
My father was 54 years old, but at that moment he became one of my childhood friends. He opened the door, and I stood and looked at him, the tears still flowing down my face. Neither of us made any effort to move. I cleared my throat. I slowly walked toward him and put my hand on his shoulder.
Then I did something I hadn't done for a long time, I hugged him. I cried, possibly the hardest in my life. "Thank you, oh god, thank you so much." I sobbed. I'm sorry for what I said I'm," "It's alright Pacey." I was never sure, but I think he started crying too.
I hugged him for a long time and told him how he changed my life and how he was helping us so much. He said something I really needed to hear too, he said that everything was going to be all right. I pulled away from him and that is when it hit me, it was. It was and that instant lift of happiness sealed it because I already had everything I always wanted.
That night was a big turning point to me and made me appreciate all that I had in my life and never take it for granted.
