Disclaimer: I don't own Fushigi Yuugi.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You... are gone... That... That thing had killed you. You died up on a mountain, alone, without me there. I wasn't been able to protect you. I had never been able to protect you. And the worst part is, I never told you. Oh, Suzaku, I'd never had a chance. You had always loved that damn Hotohori, but even Hotohori made you cry. You were a man of endless love and someone who only cared about others, not yourself. Not like me. You died for us. For your fellow Suzaku Seishi.
Damn you. You died before I could tell you the most important thing. Before I could tell you how much I cared. You left and went without a trace to somewhere that I could never follow you to. Damn you. How dare you do this to me?! How dare you ruin my life, simply by dying?! I hate you for what he did to me! You left a giant hole in my heart that only you can fill. No one will ever be able to replace you. And for that, I hate you. Except... I love you as well... Is it possible to hate and love someone at the same time? I don't think so....
Now there is a hole going strait through me. It will never be filled. That is impossible. For it can only be filled with your laughter... your smiles..... your tears.... you......
I am alone without you. You were everything to me and now that your gone, I just don't know what to do. Every night I dream of you. Every morning I think of you. I just can't get my mind of you.
If only I had known that everything would end so fucking fast. If I had, I would have told you. I would have told you how I feel and not cared about what you said in reply, as long as you knew. You never knew that anyone loved you. You were always so down on your self, although you tried to hide it behind a cheery face. Did you think that I didn't notice? I did. Sometimes, at night, when you thought that everyone else was asleep, I would hear you crying. Oh, how I wished that I could come over there to you and comfort you. But I was never brave enough. I am a cowered. I have always been a cowered. The others are always telling me how brave I am, but if I'm so brave, then why couldn't I tell you? Why couldn't I tell you how I feel?
It's all wrong. You weren't supposed to die. None of us were supposed to die, but especially not you. Why couldn't it have been me? Why couldn't it have been anyone but you?
I'm not used to pain like this. Usually, this sort of thing doesn't hurt me as much as other people. But not this time. This time, it has hurt me more that any of the others. They all say that they understand how I feel, but how could they? This pain is much more that they will ever feel. They didn't love you. But I did. I loved you more than anything. How could you have gone and gotten yourself killed? that wasn't supposed to happen. Nothing like that was supposed to happen. If only I'd known..... But I suppose that not even I can see the future. Still... It hurts so much... I don't know how much more of this I can stand. Maybe I should just end it all. Then I'd be able to be with you. Then... We'd be able to be together..... Yes... I suppose that's the only way.... Nuriko....
