Disclaimer: I don't own Fushigi Yuugi.
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Tasuki tried to kill himself last night; did you know that? He seems crushed by your death. We all are, but he doesn't seem to think that we can relate. I think that he was in love with you, to tell the truth, and when you died, a part of him died with you. A part of us all died with you.
I still can't believe that you're gone. Wasn't it enough that I lost Hikou and Kouran? I had just began to open up to you. I had just began to believe in the power of friendship again. And then you died. The thing that you treasured so much and were always saying was so strong, that thing called friendship and love, wasn't powerful enough to save you. No matter how much we, the Suzaku Seishi and so many others, cared for you, you will never be able to return to us. Why did you go and put yourself in such a dangerous position? Perhaps you felt the tug of fate, and rushed to greet it with open arms. Maybe you wished to impress us, your fellow seishi, and show that you were worthy to be a member of the Suzaku Seishi. But you needn't have. We all knew, and still know, that you were the best of us all. Or maybe it was simply a game of chance. I do not know, but for whatever reason, it was unfair that you, of all people, had to die. You were, perhaps, the most loving and caring of all of us. You never seemed to care about what happened to yourself, only what happened to others. Some people would call that stupidity, but I call it bravery and kindness.
We could relate to each other, and that only makes the pain from your passing even harder to bear. We had both lost someone special to us and because of that, we had both made ourselves a mask of some kind. Mine, was the smiling mask that I made to cover my scar. Yours, was the dresses and the makeup that you used to wear; the things that you used to make yourself become your sister. I suppose that we all have a mask of some kind, whether it be big or small. The others just aren't as noticeable as ours. Mitsukake's is perhaps the least noticeable. He hides behind a stoic face and stern eyes. Chiriko hides behind his books and studies, trying to hide that he is only a child inside. I do not know how Hotohori hides, but there must be something. And Tasuki hides behind dirty language and a cocky smile that he is, in face, only a kind person at heart. And then there's us.
Y'know, I always thought of my self as the strongest of the group. I was the oldest. It was my job to look after everyone else. But you proved me wrong, like you did with so many other things. When you died, you showed me that you were truly the strongest. You were willing to sacrifice yourself for us. There is no stronger kind of strength than that. When I got there to late and you were already gone, you showed me that I didn't have to be a parent to everyone else, but their friend. I needed to be there for them, but if I insisted on doing everything myself, I could get killed, and that would just hurt them all more. You had to fight that monster by yourself, and you died. Perhaps there was no other way, but you hurt us all. I know that you didn't mean to (you would never do anything to hurt your friends), but you did.
Even now, I can still hear your voice. I can still remember what you said. You were the heart of us all, and it shown with every word that passed your lips. Everyone's afraid of losing what's special to them, You had once said. That's right. I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I'll loose even more people than I already have. I lost you, Kouran, and Hikou. I don't want to loose anyone else. I can't.
"Don't lose. Not ever." Those were your last words. But how can I continue? How can I not loose'? You're gone. We all felt your death. It felt as if a giant piece of my soul had been torn out, never to be returned.
Why did you go up that mountain, to your death? Why didn't this thing that you call friendship save you. You always said that the heart was the strongest thing of all, but then why didn't yours save you? Maybe it couldn't. Maybe nothing, no matter how strong, could have saved you. If this is so, then I will try to continue to believe in the power of friendship. I will try... For you, Nuriko. I will try for you.
