Emily looked at the girl sitting in the plush leather executive office chair. She looked exactly like her, only the other girl looked more smug, and was wearing an expensive-looking sport jacket with her boot-cut blue jeans. Emily was sitting in a much less remarkable office chair, looking uneasily across the polished wood executive desk at this girl, who was none other than the Author.
"I--I don't want to do this; readers don't like author inserts." Emily wrung her hands nervously.
"Of course they do," said the author, making a thorough inspection of her fingernails. "Otherwise they wouldn't write self-inserts themselves."
"B-but--"
"No buts! You're going to be a major character and plot device in my new fanfic," the author looked up long enough to give Emily a wicked smile and pick up the mallet for her executive office desk gong. "Have a nice day!" And at the sound of the gong, Emily woke up in the infirmary of Castle Japoness.
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Recap!
¡Hola amigos! In our last episode, Lorelei found Emily floating in the koi pond, Gennai was building something reminiscent of the psychadelic 1960's, and Dejiko and Piyoko were unknowingly setting themselves up for disaster. How is this all going to get solved?! If you're expecting to find out in this episode, maybe you shouldn't...
Lorelei observed data on an array of computer monitors while Emily fidgeted with the sleeve of her borrowed kimono. Emily had always wanted to wear a kimono, but for some reason it just wasn't right.
"Um...Dr. Lorelei? When will my clothes be done drying?"
"Soon, Emily. Right now I'm looking for something."
"What?"
"I said--"
"No; I mean, what are you looking for?"
"Oh." Lorelei sweatdropped. "I'm looking for a hole in the data. Any holes in the data mean that there is a hole in the Plasmatic Lineation Of Time and Space."
Emily's train of thought grinded to a halt. "Huh?"
"The fabric that holds time and space within a certain continuum is made of plasma, which is woven in lines like thread," Lorelei explained. "As universes expand and change shape, sometimes the stress on the fabric holding the universe together is so great that tiny holes are made. Usually the holes mend themselves so quickly that the holes have no effect on the universe. However, in very rare instances, a hole cannot mend itself, and something can fall through the hole and be transported form one universe to another. People could even fall through these holes, in theory, and end up in a totally different universe. I believe that in your case, you fell through one of these holes in the Plasmatic Lineation Of Time and Space, and that is why you are here."
Crickets could be heard chirping as Lorelei's explanation failed to register in Emily's mind.
"You fell through a PLOTS Hole," Lorelei said in frustration. "And now I'm looking for another PLOTS Hole through which you might be able to travel back to your home universe."
"Oh," Emily mumbled. "...OH!" The message finally registered, somewhat. "Some plot device brought me here, and some other plot device will take me home!"
"Yes; that's the gist of it," Lorelei replied.
Suddenly something beeped on the console in front of Lorelei, notifying her that the computer had found what the she had been looking for. Lorelei typed a command, and the main screen displayed a map of Terra II. Another command, and a point had been plotted on a large body of water.
"The computer found a PLOTS Hole here," Lorelei stated, pointing at the point on the map. "The only problem is, it's underwater, so you'd need some vehicle to get there."
"Vehicle...?"
[Bweeheehee! Scene change!]
Lina stared for a moment at the mug in front of her. It was filled with an ominous-looking brown translucent liquid, with tiny bubbles rising to its surface. And she was supposed to drink it? "Exactly what is this stuff, Amelia?"
Amelia was surprised that Lina would ask such a thing. "It's really good, Lina-san! Honest! It has a really delicious sweet taste to it, and it has a lot of energy!"
"What about these bubbles?" Lina pointed a gloved finger at the accumulation of said bubbles at the top of the so-called beverage.
"That's the carbonation, or the 'fizz'. It gives this wonderful tingly feeling as it's going down. C'mon, just try it, Lina-san!"
"I thought you were always eager to try new things," Zelgadis stated between sips of tea.
"Not when the new thing could be some sort of mind-altering poison!" Lina protested. "Have you ever had this 'cola' stuff before, Zel?"
"Once, but the flavor was too sweet for my liking," Zelgadis replied.
"Can I try it, Lina?" Gourry asked.
"Sure, Gourry. You try it." Lina slowly pushed the mug away from her and toward her enthusiastic blond companion. Gourry eagerly received the mug and emptied its contents into his mouth. If anyone could drink that brew and live to tell about it, it would be Gourry, Lina thought.
"Hey! This 'cola' stuff is really good!" Gourry proclaimed. "Can I have another [BURP!] ?"
"Gourry-san! That's not very polite!" Amelia chided.
"It was the bubbles!" Gourry explained. "They came back up again!"
Somehow, this finally convinced Lina. "Waiter! One more of these 'cola' drinks!" Soon a mug was placed on the table and she took a gulp. "Hey! This stuff's pretty good!" The rest of the cola was down her throat in an eyeblink.
And that is how cola became the new favorite beverage of Lina Inverse. But what does that have to do with this story?
[Haha! I'm not telling! Scene change back to Japoness!]
Lorelei and Emily sat at a table with Otaru, Lime, Cherry, and Bloodberry, discussing the PLOTS Hole situation. Lorelei had invited Otaru and his marionettes to Castle Japoness on the grounds that she needed the extra brainpower and insight to solve Emily's problem, but she really just wanted to see them, since she, as the planet's only female, was usually cooped up in the castle under lock and key by Tamasaburo and Baiko, and had virtually no contact with her four friends. Emily was silently glad that she got the opportunity to meet them, since she shared the thoughts and memories of the Author and with that the desire to meet these famous characters.
"A vehicle to travel beneath the ocean?" Cherry inquired.
Lorelei nodded. "At first I thought a submarine would work, but--"
"What's a submarine?" Lime asked.
"It's a kind of sandwich in New Texas," Bloodberry joked. "Sometimes they're called hoagies--"
"I believe Lorelei-san means an undersea boat," Cherry said, unamused. "It looks like this..." Cherry took a sheet of paper and a pencil and quickly sketched out a rather accurate picture of a submarine.
Lime took a quick look at the sketch and realized she'd seen something like it somewhere before. "That's what Grandpa Gennai's building!" She exclaimed. "He's building a great big yellow submarine!"
"A yellow submarine?" Lorelei asked with a giggle.
"What's so funny?" Otaru asked.
"Nothing," Lorelei replied. "It's just...a long time ago, there was a musical group on Earth that once sang a song about a yellow submarine. Do you know that song, Emily? You said you were from Earth."
Emily was startled a bit, since it had been a while since anything had been directed at her. "Uh...yes, I do."
"That sounds like a funny song!" Lime said. "I wanna hear it!"
"You say you are from Earth?" Cherry asked. "What is it like?"
"Hasn't Lorelei ever told you about Earth? She's from Earth, isn't she?" Emily was a bit nervous; she didn't really want the story to center around her. Readers didn't like that, she told herself.
"I don't think the author will progress the story until you describe Earth a little bit," Lorelei whispered into Emily's ear.
Emily sweatdropped. "O-okay...Well, I can't really describe the whole Earth, but I can tell you about the town where I come from. The town is on a river, and a whole lot of bridges cross the river to connect the town to other towns. Lining a lot of the streets are these tall trees whose branches look like big green feathers. An inventor planted many of the trees a long time ago. It never snows there," Emily sighed, "but people from the north like to live there in the winter, kind of like birds that fly south. If you go west, the river flows into the sea--er, I mean, the Gulf--and there are all these tiny islands right off the shore, where some people like to live. It's an odd little city, I suppose."
"And we're going to try to send you back," Lorelei said with a gentle smile. Whether you like it or not. "Perhaps we can borrow Gennai's submarine, and we can 'sail on to the sun,' until we find 'a sea of green.'" Her voice was picking up a singsong quality.
"Yeah! Let's go to the green sea so Emily can go back to her home where the funny trees are!" Lime exclaimed, pumping a fist in the air.
"Well, it does sound like it could be fun," Otaru said.
"It would be a new adventure to have with you, Otaru," Bloodberry said affectionately while putting an arm around Otaru.
"And Otaru-sama's not going anywhere without me!" Cherry said, also putting an arm around Otaru and pulling him away from Bloodberry.
Lorelei weighed her options. She wanted to get out of the castle and have an adventure, but she knew Tamasaburo and Baiko wouldn't let her, plus she was still unsure of the consequences of Emily's presence in their universe. However, Lorelei's pioneering spirit that had brought her to Terra II on the Mesopotamia in the first place won out. "I'll go, too," she said finally.
And so it was set: Lorelei, Otaru, Lime, Cherry, and Bloodberry were going to accompany the Author's insert, Emily, on a journey to send her back home.
[But the Author wasn't too pleased!]
Meanwhile, seated at her expensive executive chair, the Author had finished reading the fanfic so far.
"Grr...that little..." she growled, balling her hand into a fist. "How can she be so modest? Well, I'll just have to tangle up the storyline to make it even more convoluted!" She snickered. "Not like anyone is reading this, anyway. I'll win yet! MWAHAHAHAHA!" Laughing a maniacal laugh, the Author proceeded to write another chapter of her Insert's saga.
Saber Marionette J is property of Akahori Satoru, Kotobuki Tsukasa, and others. If it belonged to me, you'd know. ;_;
Slayers is property of Kanzaka Hajime, Araizumi Rui, and others. I don't own it, and I didn't sell it on eBay (which also doesn't belong to me).
"Yellow Submarine" is a song by the Beatles. I don't have the rights to it; I'm just a fan.
Gema [Osaka dialect--or at least my version of it]: Hey y'all, gema! It's the part of the show y'all've been waitin' for, gema! Have y'all young'n's been doin' your homework, gema? Good, gema! Now, I reckon it's time to start today's segment, gema. This time around I'm showin' y'all DiGi Charat's battle costume, gema!
Dejiko: I don't have a battle costume, nyo!
Puchiko: Gema stole this segment from another show, nyu.
[On the screen appears a picture of Dejiko in her usual outfit.]
Gema: Here we have Dejiko's battle costume, gema. Her dark blue dress and white apron give the outfit a classical look, gema. Don't you think she looks like a maid, gema? Perfect, since she works at Gamers, gema. Also, notice the cat motif, gema. She's got white cat paws, a white cat tail, white cat feet, and even a white hat with cat ears, gema!
Usada: He should be showing off my costume, the costume of Rabi~en~Rose, Gamers's Number One Idol!
Dejiko: Yeah right, Usada.
Usada: Shut up! And don't call me Usada!
Puchiko: Gema should show Puchiko's costume next, nyu.
Gema: ...And now, GEMA GEMA CHECK! [Screen shows a close-up of the bell under Dejiko's chin with the caption "Point".] Dejiko has one bell under her chin and two larger bells under her cat ears, gema. This adds on to her cute kitten motif, gema. [Scene cuts to Gema holding a pipe for smoking and wearing a pink bow tie.] How was it, gema? Now you know all about Dejiko's cute battle costume, gema! Look forward to this segment-- [Approaching Gema from either side of the screen are Hokke Mirin--walking sideways, of course--and Majin Gappa. Gema sweatdrops.] What are you doing, gema?!? [Hokke Mirin and Majin Gappa tackle Gema to the ground.] GEMA!!
[Scene cuts to Usada and Puchiko giving each other a high-five.]
Usada: We did it!
Puchiko: That's what Gema gets for infringing on copyrights, nyu.
Hi! Emily here again. While we here in Japoness prepare for our trip, Puchiko is causing a ruckus at Gamers! Huh? Who's that mysterious guy Piyoko's talking to? And how did they get there? All these crossovers are starting to hurt my head. Next time: "Two Puchikos!? The secret alliance." Don't miss it! ^_^
