Title: Long Term
Author: Shin Willow.
Spoilers: Finale
Category: Drama
Rating: R
Summery: Xander can think long term.
Long Term
Xander stood on the terrace of his hotel room staring out at the ocean of city lights. Out there somewhere his friends had checked into some fleabag motel. Probably booking up every room in the joint. Xander half wondered how they paid for the rooms. Maybe Giles, ever practical, had the forethought to have his credit cards on him before Sunnydale turned into the world's biggest cork? Well, Xander had his credit cards, but he booked the room three weeks ago.
Xander sensed his pardner in crime swirling around in the air and had to smile. The urge to rub it in could not be denied. "That went about as well as could be expected," he said.
"That," the disembodied voice spat, "was a debacle!"
"If you wanna be all negative, not seeing the silver lining, the cup half empty--"
The First suddenly flared into the visible spectrum, appearing in the empty form of its former, now very dead, right hand man, Caleb. Xander guessed that was supposed to piss him off, what with the eye and all, but he just sort found it amusing. The guy had been a waste of time and effort in Xander's opinion. The First's anvil-like attempt to swing its metaphorical dick. Well, Caleb was a dick, all right. A big one, and probably the only one in existence that didn't get the job done. He was supposed to get Buffy to the point a whole lot quicker than he did. It was touch and go there if Xander was going to have to make another one of his oh-so-useful comments again.
"Stop it! I will not allow you to mock me after you have failed so miserably!"
"I didn't fail, you got exactly what you wanted, didn't you? The board's all set for your big arrival."
"But the Hellmouth was going to be my base of operations, my unlimited power source. I could have fed from it forever!"
"Bitch, bitch, bitch is all you ever do."
"How dare you!"
"Look, there's another one in Cleveland, dude. Relax."
"I will not relax, you idjit! Sunnydale's Hellmouth was the most powerful ever to exist--"
"How was I supposed to know Angel would come riding in on his white horsy? Blame that law firm, which, I might add, was supposed to be on your side."
"There are no sides, you should know that by now."
"Whatever. Still not my fault. I got you this far like I promised I would," Xander said. "You got, like, a thousand Slayers out there all ripe for the picking. So go corrupt to your hearts content already."
"But she was supposed to die!"
"Again, not my fault. You're the one who had to get all nah-nah-nah-nah-nah, not me. You should know better at your age. Sheesh, bad guys and gloating. It's called class, buddy, get some."
"You've forgotten who you are talking to, Alexander," the First said, trying to sound all threatening. Talk about your empty threats, Xander mused. Xander turned to the apparition, a sneer twisting his lips. He was really getting sick of the intangible fucks uppity attitude.
"I'm the one who allowed you to enter this realm, asshole. Don't you forget I can send you back."
The First, still wearing Caleb's appearance, hiked up that very square chin and said: "Not now you can't. It's only a matter of time before I gain a real foothold on this plane, and I will before you gather the energy to do anything to me.
"And if you do try maybe your friends would like to know about your extracurricular activities."
Xander stared at the First for a brief moment before breaking up with hoots of laughter. "Oh, yeah, they'll really buy that, Casper!"
"They might if I tell them about all your schemes and playing both sides against the middle."
"Give it up, Intangible Lad. I was playing these games years before you came on the scene. Fuck, you couldn't even get Angel, Angel, the guiltmeister himself, ta off himself. Which, I might add, was so not in your job description." Xander shook his head. "God, you are so fuckin' useless. You haven't succeeded in accomplishing one single goal on your own. While I kept the ball rolling."
"I--"
"Suck. Yeah, I know." Xander left the terrace and re-entered his hotel room, where it was warm. The cable connected TV murmuring softly with the sound turned down. The First was waiting inside.
"Do not underestimate me, mortal."
Oh, so it's mortal now? Looks like somebody got back on their high horse. "What's there to underestimate?"
Xander threw himself on his bed and reached for the remote on the nightstand beside the bed. He clicked through ten channels before the First (obviously steaming hot after watching Xander ignore it) went off. "You think you're untouchable, Xander, but you ain't."
Bored already with the conversation, Xander asked very disinterestedly, "Oh, yeah?"
"Yes. I have proof of what you've done."
"Nothing they won't chalk up to horny, jealous teenage behavior. You're talking about the," Xander held up his hands and curled the fore and middle fingers on both hands, "Big Lie, right?" When the First sagely said nothing, Xander continued. "Or maybe you're gonna tell them all about how I set them up at the vineyard, and to make myself look totally innocent I let ol' Jesse Custer make jelly out of my eye." Xander looked at the First and grinned, bouncing on the bed and, excitedly asked, "Ooo, can I be there when you tell em'? Pretty please?" Then Xander let his giddy expression drop and returned his gaze to the TV. "Idiot."
"This is not--"
"Over. You'll rue the day. Foiled again! Fuck. Off. Now—before I do something you'll regret for the rest of eternity."
When the First Whiner left Xander sighed and turned off the TV and settled down on the bed. All things considered the plan went through without a hitch. His plan, anyway. True, Buffy was supposed to die, but in the end her living status was not that big a deal. Xander had to admit he was actually sorta glad she'd live to see the end result of all his planning. Of course, if the opportunity arose to finally send her back to heaven, well, Xander was all too happy to make it happen. After all, he did like cleaning up his own messes. A god should have that kind of work ethic.
