DISCLAIMER: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
AUTHOR NOTES: This not beta-read. Every typo or other mistakes you see are entirely mine. I know this is kind of hysterical. I also know this doesn't have any real plot. Please note that I'm aware of these facts and that they are intended, so please don't flame me over it.
And don't tell me it's impossible to have a disease no one has heard about before- I was in hospital in January because I had gills and they filled themselves with pus.
***
Hermione sat in a comfortable chair in the Headmaster's office and felt Dumbledore's look on her. She didn't feel good at all. The silence in the office gave her the feeling that it all was her fault.
Dumbledore rested his chin in his hands and looked at her thoughtfully. Hermione felt his look wander up and down on her. She continued to stare at the floor and had her fists clenched in her lap. What was going to happen? Would she have to move into the boys' dormitory or could she stay with the girls?
"Now, Miss- or Mr- Granger, please tell me once more what happened to you," Dumbledore said finally. Her head jerked up because she thought she had heard a smile in his voice. She felt fury rising up in her. Was he making fun of her? It was not at all funny! She was imprisoned in this body and he dared to smile about her situation?
Angrily she furrowed her brows, but when she looked at him he wore a serious expression, mingled with some sort of sympathy and she calmed down again.
"Well," she began, "I noticed it because Lavender started to shriek and pointed at me and was kind of hysterical. Parvati joined in and I still didn't understand what was up with them, until I looked at my arms. And," she held her arms out to him so he could see the hair on them, "there was a lot of hair on them. Normally I don't have so many hair on my arms. Or on any other part of my body, to be exact. At first I thought someone played a practical joke on me, but then I looked at my legs, and they were- are- very hairy, too. And then," she gulped, "I looked into the neckline of my pyjamas, and… well… you know…there was hair, too. And…" she trailed off. It was kind of humiliating for her to sit in front of her Headmaster and tell him that her breasts had vanished. She just couldn't bring herself to do it and felt heat rising up in her cheeks.
"You know what I mean," she murmured to the carpet. She could have sworn Dumbledore had this twinkle of his in his eyes again, and she didn't want to look at him right now, so she continued to stare at the carpet.
"I have heard of this before, Dumbledore," one of the portraits suddenly said.
"Do you know what it is?" Hermione asked and looked up, searching for the portrait that had spoken. A small, plump man in a lime green robe was pacing in his portrait and seemed to think hard, so she assumed it was him who had spoken.
"Please, Fortescue, if you know anything about this… unusual situation, tell us about it," Dumbledore said, "so we can help Mr Granger here as soon as possible."
"I think," the bald-headed wizard said thoughtfully, "we had a case of this, too, once. If I am not mistaken, it is a very rare disease called Genderum Benderosa."
"Headmaster," McGonagall said quietly, "would you like me to ask Madam Pomfrey for advice?"
"Yes," Dumbledore said slowly, "yes, Minerva, that's a good idea. Poppy will surely know something about it." He nodded and McGonagall went out of the room again, leaving Hermione alone with the Headmaster.
"Thank you, Fortescue," Dumbledore said to the portrait and turned back to look at the young boy sitting in front of him. "Now, while we have to wait for further information, there are a few matters at hand we have to clear."
He rubbed his hands together and continued cheerfully, "First of all, if we can't cure you from the disease immediately, you will have to stay in this body for some more time, if you want to or not."
Hermione made a face. "I suppose so, yes."
"Now, the question at hand is, will you be able to stay in your old dormitory? I'm afraid I have to say that is not the case. As good as it would be for you, parents would surely object if their daughters were to live in one room with a boy, even if he is a girl inside.
"I fear you will have to move in to the sixth year boys' dormitory."
She stared at him. "But, Professor Dumbledore, I can't do that! I- I'm a girl, after all! In Hogwarts: A History it says that the dormitories are enchanted so only people of the same sex can sleep in one dormitory!"
Dumbledore smiled and nodded. "I am aware of this fact, Miss Granger. However, your body definitely is male, at least at the moment. And-" he raised his voice slightly as she tried to interrupt him, "it doesn't matter if you're female inside. You have a male body, and that's all that counts."
He traced his lips with one long finger thoughtfully and added, "Of course, you will also have to change your name."
"Change my name? But- why can't I just keep it?"
"Miss Granger," Dumbledore said calmly, "please calm down again. Obviously it is awkward to call a boy a female name. No one would feel comfortable with that- except you, probably. Just imagine what kind of chaos it would cause would you insist on keeping your name!"
Hermione sighed, defeated. "But-" she tried to protest weakly one last time, but one look from Dumbledore's blue eyes silenced her.
"I like James," she said. "But of course I can't call myself that. Harry would be very confused if he had to call me by his father's name." She fell silent again, thinking hard.
"What would you suggest?" she asked eventually, looking up at the Headmaster.
"Oh, I'd have quite a lot of suggestions," he smiled, "but probably neither would please you. And anyway, this is your decision, not mine."
"Simon, maybe," Hermione said. "I always rather liked that name. Or Jonathan. Or… maybe I should choose something more historic, like- Godric, maybe. No, not Godric."
She bit her lip, her head full of names. "Etienne," she suddenly said and beamed at Dumbledore. "Yes, that's it. Etienne."
If Dumbledore had any doubts about her choice, he didn't voice them, and he didn't show any sign of neither approve nor disapprove.
"Fine," he said, clapped his hands and stood up, "Mr Etienne Granger. It's a pleasure to meet you."
Hermione felt unsure of herself. Did he make fun of her? Luckily at this moment Professor McGonagall came back into the room, panting slightly.
"I talked to Madam Pomfrey, Headmaster," she said. "She says there have been cases of Genderum Benderosa before and it is curable, that's for sure."
Hermione let out her breath in a deep sigh. "Oh, thank God," she muttered.
"However," McGonagall continued, "it will take quite some time to do so. You will have to go to the Hospital Wing every day and let Madam Pomfrey look at you, Miss- Mr Granger."
Hermione nodded in agreement. She'd do nearly everything as long as this thing between her legs and the hair on her chest would vanish again.
Dumbledore smiled cheerfully. "Minerva," he said, "I am pleased to inform you Mr Granger has chosen a new name for himself. He is called from now on Etienne Granger."
"Pleasure," McGonagall said curtly and didn't look too sure of herself either. "Well then, … Etienne, please come with me back to your dormitory."
"Good bye, Headmaster," Hermione- or rather Etienne- said politely and went out behind her teacher.
~*~
"Etienne," said Ron and stared at her in disbelief. "Etienne."
"Yes, Etienne," she snapped. "So what?"
"Well, you know… it sounds kind of… um… gay?"
"Oh, for heaven's sake, Ron," Etienne said. "I am a girl. I am not gay. Okay?"
"Um, well," Harry said, "how is it? Do you still like guys?"
"Of course I do," she said, outraged.
"Then everyone will consider you gay at the moment. Either you accept that or you turn lesbian," Harry concluded.
"You can't turn lesbian, Harry," Etienne lectured. "Either you are or you aren't. This is not something you can change."
"Sorry, Herm- Etienne," he said, raising his hands in defence. "I didn't know that."
"Hell, this is weird!" Ron exclaimed. "I mean, I look at you and I see a guy, but you're still Hermione, but at the same time you're also Etienne…" He trailed off and started to cough very hard.
Etienne had the distinct feeling that he was trying- very poorly- to hide his laughter.
"Oh, shut up, Ron," she said. "Anyway," she continued, "McGonagall should be here in a moment, we'd better get going."
"McGonagall?" Harry asked. "Why?"
"Because I obviously can't sleep in the girls' dormitory anymore," Etienne said dryly and pointed at herself with raised eyebrows. "Therefore, I will move in to the boys, that is to say, you."
"What?" The two boys looked equally shocked.
"In our dormitory?" Harry burst out.
"Yes, Harry," Etienne said, starting to lose patience with the two of them.
"But- but you can't!" Ron exclaimed, horror-struck.
"Oh, and why is that?" she asked back, barely suppressing her annoyance anymore.
"Because, well- we… change in our dormitory! You'd see us- naked!"
Etienne groaned and threw her hands up in exasperation. "So what?"
"So what?" Ron repeated incredulously and stared at her. "How can you ask that?" Etienne noticed a blush creeping up from his collar.
"Do you have a problem with me seeing you naked?" Etienne asked back, holding back a grin as she watched the blush creep further up.
"Yes!" both exclaimed at the same time.
"Are you that ugly?" Etienne asked and batted her eyelashes. "Or… small?"
"Hermione!" said Harry, looking shocked. "Etienne, I mean," he quickly added and blushed a little, too.
"Don't do that, Herm- Etienne," Ron said and made a face.
"What? That?" she asked and batted her eyelashes again.
"Yes, that," Ron declared loudly. "This is so weird! I don't want to flirt with a guy!"
"Then don't do it," Etienne said dryly.
"Potter, Weasley, Granger, stop arguing," McGonagall's voice came behind them from the portrait hole. "Are you packed, Mr Granger?"
Etienne nodded and pointed at her trunk that was standing next to her.
"Then please follow me," their professor said and marched up the stairs to the fifth year boys' dormitory.
***
To be continued.
