Notes: This chapter was gonna deal with how Duo and Heero act around each other now, but then my muse put in the bit with the journal, so I'll deal with that next chapter. Anyway, this chapter mainly consists of entries into Duo's journal, so expect lots of angst. Next chapter should be up within a week or so. Enjoy and review!

I don't know what eventually woke me up, all I know is that one minute I was asleep, drifting in a cold, empty nothingness, and the next, I was staring up at the quilt, which was still completely hiding me. I held my breath, stilled my body, and opened all my senses to try and find out what had awoken me.

It was a few minutes before I heard it again-a soft hitching of the breath, followed by a rustle of bed sheets. Heero was in the room, in his bed. Oh, God, I didn't know how to handle this. I hadn't thought about how I was gonna handle being around him from now on. And-what was that sound? It couldn't be what it sounded like. Heero didn't cry. Maybe he was having a nightmare? But... he usually wakes up pretty quickly from his nightmares.

So, which did I prefer? Heero crying or Heero dreaming?

Heero was dreaming, having a nightmare, not uncommon for us Gundam pilots. He'd wake up in a few moments and be alright.

I raised my wrist and pressed the little button that turned on the small light, letting me see that it was just after three in the morning. No way would I be going back to sleep now. I sighed and sat up, letting the quilt bunch around my waist. I glanced over at Heero and saw that he was turned away from me, wrapped tightly in his quilt, curled into a little ball. He looked so... vulnerable. I couldn't see his face, or much of anything, but he didn't look like the Perfect Soldier, Gundam pilot and Oz-butt-kicker extrodinaire, he looked like a fifteen-year-old boy who'd just had his heart crushed.

My throat tightened suddenly and tears burned in my eyes, but I was so not going through that again, and forced myself to calm down-having some of the most intense training known to man has it's perks sometimes.

Taking a deep breath, I walked silently out of the room, closing the door with a soft click. There was no light, but that of the moon shining in from the curtain-less window, and I waited a moment for my eyes to adjust.

My laptop was still sitting on the coffee table and I sat down on the sofa, booting it up. I type in several passwords that bring up my medium-level security desktop, click a hidden icon, type in a few more passwords, and get to the highly-classified stuff.

This is where I keep my journal, and I opened it up, reading a few entries. They weren't very cheerful, full of angst about Heero and being Shinigami. No matter what mask I show the outside world, my journal tells the complete, unadulterated truth. No half-lies and evasions, no dancing around and playing with words, just the brutal truth.

-I guess it's my own fault for falling for him. I always have a thing for the unattainable. And that's what he is. Not just because he doesn't do emotional attachments, but because he and I are Gundam pilots. We can't love. And that just made me love him more. And it made me hurt more. Every time I see him, it's a bittersweet feeling, being so close and being too close. He fills my vision like a blinding light, filled with seductive danger. Yeah, I like danger, sue me. I've been in danger my whole life, you either love it or hate it, and I chose to love it. And that just makes Heero all the more perfect. He is danger personified. But he is unattainable, completely and utterly. I can't tell him how I feel. But I want to. Oh, I want to so much. I want to lay my heart bare to him. I want to tell him how beautiful I think he is. I want to tell him how I see how much he hurts over the people he kills and I want to comfort him. I want to do so much. But I can't. I never can. Damn this fucking war!-

-He thinks I don't notice, the way he wakes up trembling, biting down screams. He thinks I sleep through it all. Doesn't he realise that I am an ex-street rat Gundam pilot? Doesn't he realise that I wake up whenever he starts to whimper? I know every single time he has a nightmare. I sit there and watch him suffer, because he would kill me if I tried to comfort him. Gods, maybe that wouldn't be so bad. A moment of heaven before I get sent to hell. Nah, I'm not the suicidal type. I may not love life, but I don't wanna die. Well, I actually don't care, but I don't really wanan die, not enough to suicide. Well, I've had my off moments where I've thought about it but nothing really serious. I'm getting off track. Where was I? Ah, yes. Heero. Heero, Heero, Heero.-

-Add three more innocents to Shinigami's body count. I had to take out a base today, along with Wufei, only one of the suits flew away, and I chased it. We ended up fighting over a public park. Most of the people pegged it when they saw us coming, but one little brother and sister pair were climbing a tree and too scared to move, and their mother was trying to get them down, only she couldn't. I didn't see them at first. It was only as the suit was crashing into the tree that I heard the screams and shouts, and saw the crumpled and bloody bodies, lying like broken dolls on the ground. Wufei doesn't know about it. He wasn't there and I haven't told him. In my missions report, I simply entered 'civillian casualties: three'. No one but me knows the pain I feel. They couldn't have been more than five or six. They shouldn't be dead. They shouldn't have fallen to Shinigami.-

-Quatre made us all eat dinner together tonight. We don't normally do that, because we have pretty independent lives-working on our Gundams, preparing from missions, recuperating from missions, going on missions, so we usually just eat when we get hungry, but Quatre insisted that we HAD to eat dinner together. Something about 'being good for us'. I dunno. But it was pretty nice. We had some beef casserole thingy that Trowa made, and shit, can that guy cook. Heero even made a few nice comments on it. I guess we were all pretty relaxed, and had a few rounds of cards after dinner. I tried to initiate a game of strip poker, but Wufei shot me down. Funnily enough, Heero didn't object.-

-There was a storm today, a real thunderstorm, not just rain and wind. Lightning streaked across the sky and thunder boomed and everything. I sat outside for a few minutes, just content to sit there, until I felt the need to be a part of it, and started dancing. I can't really remember how I danced or for how long, but I remember feeling eyes on me. I ignored it for a while, focusing on the awesome power on the storm, but then it became irritating, and I started to search for my watcher, only to find him gone. I went inside, but everyone was already in bed. Wonder who it was?-

Sighing, I scrolled to the end of the long document, entered a new header stating the date and place, and began writing. I poured my soul into the electronic pages, describing my love and my hurt, describing everything I felt, for my future self to read. I poured all my tears into that entry, determined never to cry over Heero again. This was it. This was my cleansing. I had screwed any chance of friendship with Heero and now I had to move on.

-It's gonna be hard, facing him day after day, pretending to be the same but knowing I have changed forever. I will always remember the look in his eyes when he dared to reach out to me, and I will remember the look when I destroyed his heart. Those twin looks will haunt me for eternity. Nothing can ever excuse what I did to him, I know that, but maybe, someday, I can do something that will help lessen the pain. And my guilt. Sister Helen always said that hope is a cardinal virtue. But I fear this time it is misplaced. They say that time heals all wounds. They lie.-