Notes: This is what happens when Duo and Heero see each other after the rejection. You can guess how Heero acts, can't you? This isn't very good, but... Enjoy and review!
I was terrified. It was an hour past dawn and Heero would be waking any moment. He would get dressed, spend a few minutes in the bathroom, and then... I couldn't face him. How was I supposed to grin and joke when I was screaming inside? I'm a good actor, but I'm not THAT good.
But... if I didn't act the joker, he'd think that I had been offended by his attempted kiss, or that I was disgusted or something, and that would hurt him more, so.... I had to do this.
God, that was becoming my fucking motto: I had to do this. I had to break his heart. I had to act the joker. I had to ignore my feelings. I had to... lie. I used to think nothing could ever make me lie, but I realise now that there is only one thing on Earth with the power to make me lie, and that is Heero. I would do anything for him.
I was snapped out of my musings by the door opening quietly. Oh, shit.... Here we go.
He looked.... Oh, God, he looked like he had that first night I'd met him-cold, distant, emotionless, the Perfect fucking Soldier.
Okay, okay, I could do this, I could do this, I could do this. I hoped.
"Uh, hey, Heero, I made coffee, ya want?" My voice was nice and cheerful, and if he didn't look too closely at my eyes, my mask was all but perfect. I knew he wouldn't look at my eyes.
"No. Missions?"
"Nope, we're still on vacation. I got a message from Quatre, though, and he says that the fighting's hotted up a bit in the past few days, so we should be getting a mission soon. He said that Trowa was undercover at a base in Colorado, so if we go meet up with the guys any time soon, he probably won't be there, but Wufei and he are there, and-"
"Shut up, baka."
Okay, ouch. His voice had been so cold and.... I couldn't do this. I couldn't pretend that I didn't see how much he hated me.
"Heero, I...."
"What?"
Shut up, baka! You can't tell him! What the fuck are you thinking? "I was thinking of going out and spending the day with Deathscythe, is that okay?"
"What do I care?"
OUCH! "Cool, I should be back around midnight, 'kay?" I grinned at him and walked into the kitchen, grabbing a few ration bars and a protein drink from the cupboard. I tossed them into my backpack along with my laptop, some spare ammo, and an old copy of Sense and Sensibility, before slinging it onto my shoulder and walking out. I tried very hard not to notice Heero's cold glare as he watched me leave.
Shut up, alright? I know I was being a coward, but I just couldn't stay there and face him. The pain, both his and mine, was still too fresh. I had to calm down, wait for the pain to dull a little bit. So I should be able to face him in oh, say... a century or two.
I'll spare you my thoughts as I walked to my Gundam, it was mostly just lots and lots of angst and self-loathing and stupid wishing. Though once I did occupy my brain for a full three minutes musing about the oddness of squirrels. Don't ask me where that thought came from, but it did.
Deathscythe was crouched beside Wing in a small little ravine thing, and I eagerly climbed inside the cockpit, shutting myself off from the outside world.
Deathscythe was a constant friend, I could count on him through anything and everything. Yeah, I think of my Gundam as a he. I talk to him too. Shut up about it. He doesn't really answer. Well... not often, anyway.
I don't really know how long I sat there, thinking about Heero, but somewhere in the whole angst and self-loathing, a little voice told me that I was being a stupid fucking coward and that if I stayed in here Heero would realise I was avoiding him and it would hurt him more.
So I decided that I had to go back and face him. Which I didn't want to do. But if I didn't it would hurt him. Which I didn't want to do. Doesn't my life suck?
Wishing I had a third option, I climbed out of my Gundam, patted his ankle and asked him to wish me luck, and started the long trek back to the cabin. I really, really didn't want to do this. But guess what? That's right. I had to.
Sometimes I wondered if I should just take that little step into full-fledged insanity and get locked away where I wouldn't have to do anything.
It was sometime after noon when I got back to the cabin. I know because Heero had just finished his lunch and he eats precisely at noon. I hesitated a moment, but then shoved down everything I wanted to say and do and forced a grin.
"Hey, honey, I'm ho-ome," I sang, and got a low-level glare. He was on his laptop, of course. I had to wonder how much battery power he had left on that thing. I mean, our laptops can go for a long time, but the batteries do have a limit. Then again, he probably had a spare in his pack, Mr. Always-Prepared-Everything-Has-A-Backup.
Alright, so I was avoiding the issue, the issue being Heero, and I determined to stop. I mentally took a deep breath and looked him in the eyes. I wish I hadn't.
His eyes were as cold as chipped eyes, uncaring, unfeeling, the eyes of a dead man, not physically dead, but emotionally dead. They scared me almost as much as his blank eyes after he'd self-destructed that time in Siberia (AN-it is Siberia that I'm thinking of right? I haven't seen too much Gundam Wing and can't remember if I'm thinking of the right place. If I'm not, I'm talking about that time when he self-destructed when Une threatened the Colonies and Trowa took care of him.)
"You said you'd be back around midnight," he stated in a flat, empty voice.
"Uh, changed my mind. Deathscythe's perfect, and I can only run diagnostics and scans for so long before I start to go loco. Any missions come for us?"
"No."
"Ah well, we'll get something soon. I hope it's a mission that requires my 'Scythe, he's getting a little restless, ya know, and so am I, actually. All this sitting around doing nothing is really boring and I think I'm gonna go insane if we don't get a mission soon. I wonder if Quatre-" The good thing about talking almost non-stop when I'm happy or angry or just conscious? No one can tell the difference when I talk non-stop because I'm scared.
"Duo, shut the fuck up."
I guess that saying's right. Be careful what you wish for. I'd been wishing, praying, to get some emotion for him, and I got it. I got anger and annoyance and... hate. He hated me. He.... Shit shit shit shit shit!!!
I blinked away tears and forced a grin. "Oh, come on, Heero, if I shut up then there won't be any noises and I really don't like silence because it is just so bo-oring! Maybe if we had a stereo or something, or even a TV, or a-"
I didn't see him move. One minute, I'm babbling on, and the next, Heero's chair had been knocked over, I was on the floor with him standing over me, and my jaw hurt like a sonofabitch.
I'll always wonder, if I'd let him get that punch in. I'm not as fast as he is, I know that, but I am still damned fast, and I should've been able to dodge it slightly. But I didn't. He hit me, full on, though not enough to break my jaw, I noted absently, and I can remember thinking very clearly, three words: I deserved that.
He stared at me for the longest moment, one of those moments that seem to last for an eternity. I stared back, hoping vainly to see regret or sorrow in his eyes. I found cold hatred and... disgust. I saw anger and revulsion. But I didn't see regret. I don't think he was happy about hitting me, but he didn't regret it.
A low-pitched chime sounded, making both of us jump, and we looked at Heero's laptop. It took him a few seconds to move and answer the email. He may read fast, but he can't read all the complicated details for a mission in under three seconds. He sent back 'mission accepted' without even reading what he'd be doing. That... hurt, to put it plainly.
He snapped his laptop shut and shoved it into his bag, which I noticed for the first time, was right next to the sofa. He already had his shoes on and didn't have a jacket, so he just slung his bag onto his shoulder and stalked past me to the door.
"Where are you going?" I finally managed to ask, my jaw hurting with the movement.
"Russia."
Then he was gone. I was alone. I wondered if I'd see him again. I wondered what I'd do if I did.
I was terrified. It was an hour past dawn and Heero would be waking any moment. He would get dressed, spend a few minutes in the bathroom, and then... I couldn't face him. How was I supposed to grin and joke when I was screaming inside? I'm a good actor, but I'm not THAT good.
But... if I didn't act the joker, he'd think that I had been offended by his attempted kiss, or that I was disgusted or something, and that would hurt him more, so.... I had to do this.
God, that was becoming my fucking motto: I had to do this. I had to break his heart. I had to act the joker. I had to ignore my feelings. I had to... lie. I used to think nothing could ever make me lie, but I realise now that there is only one thing on Earth with the power to make me lie, and that is Heero. I would do anything for him.
I was snapped out of my musings by the door opening quietly. Oh, shit.... Here we go.
He looked.... Oh, God, he looked like he had that first night I'd met him-cold, distant, emotionless, the Perfect fucking Soldier.
Okay, okay, I could do this, I could do this, I could do this. I hoped.
"Uh, hey, Heero, I made coffee, ya want?" My voice was nice and cheerful, and if he didn't look too closely at my eyes, my mask was all but perfect. I knew he wouldn't look at my eyes.
"No. Missions?"
"Nope, we're still on vacation. I got a message from Quatre, though, and he says that the fighting's hotted up a bit in the past few days, so we should be getting a mission soon. He said that Trowa was undercover at a base in Colorado, so if we go meet up with the guys any time soon, he probably won't be there, but Wufei and he are there, and-"
"Shut up, baka."
Okay, ouch. His voice had been so cold and.... I couldn't do this. I couldn't pretend that I didn't see how much he hated me.
"Heero, I...."
"What?"
Shut up, baka! You can't tell him! What the fuck are you thinking? "I was thinking of going out and spending the day with Deathscythe, is that okay?"
"What do I care?"
OUCH! "Cool, I should be back around midnight, 'kay?" I grinned at him and walked into the kitchen, grabbing a few ration bars and a protein drink from the cupboard. I tossed them into my backpack along with my laptop, some spare ammo, and an old copy of Sense and Sensibility, before slinging it onto my shoulder and walking out. I tried very hard not to notice Heero's cold glare as he watched me leave.
Shut up, alright? I know I was being a coward, but I just couldn't stay there and face him. The pain, both his and mine, was still too fresh. I had to calm down, wait for the pain to dull a little bit. So I should be able to face him in oh, say... a century or two.
I'll spare you my thoughts as I walked to my Gundam, it was mostly just lots and lots of angst and self-loathing and stupid wishing. Though once I did occupy my brain for a full three minutes musing about the oddness of squirrels. Don't ask me where that thought came from, but it did.
Deathscythe was crouched beside Wing in a small little ravine thing, and I eagerly climbed inside the cockpit, shutting myself off from the outside world.
Deathscythe was a constant friend, I could count on him through anything and everything. Yeah, I think of my Gundam as a he. I talk to him too. Shut up about it. He doesn't really answer. Well... not often, anyway.
I don't really know how long I sat there, thinking about Heero, but somewhere in the whole angst and self-loathing, a little voice told me that I was being a stupid fucking coward and that if I stayed in here Heero would realise I was avoiding him and it would hurt him more.
So I decided that I had to go back and face him. Which I didn't want to do. But if I didn't it would hurt him. Which I didn't want to do. Doesn't my life suck?
Wishing I had a third option, I climbed out of my Gundam, patted his ankle and asked him to wish me luck, and started the long trek back to the cabin. I really, really didn't want to do this. But guess what? That's right. I had to.
Sometimes I wondered if I should just take that little step into full-fledged insanity and get locked away where I wouldn't have to do anything.
It was sometime after noon when I got back to the cabin. I know because Heero had just finished his lunch and he eats precisely at noon. I hesitated a moment, but then shoved down everything I wanted to say and do and forced a grin.
"Hey, honey, I'm ho-ome," I sang, and got a low-level glare. He was on his laptop, of course. I had to wonder how much battery power he had left on that thing. I mean, our laptops can go for a long time, but the batteries do have a limit. Then again, he probably had a spare in his pack, Mr. Always-Prepared-Everything-Has-A-Backup.
Alright, so I was avoiding the issue, the issue being Heero, and I determined to stop. I mentally took a deep breath and looked him in the eyes. I wish I hadn't.
His eyes were as cold as chipped eyes, uncaring, unfeeling, the eyes of a dead man, not physically dead, but emotionally dead. They scared me almost as much as his blank eyes after he'd self-destructed that time in Siberia (AN-it is Siberia that I'm thinking of right? I haven't seen too much Gundam Wing and can't remember if I'm thinking of the right place. If I'm not, I'm talking about that time when he self-destructed when Une threatened the Colonies and Trowa took care of him.)
"You said you'd be back around midnight," he stated in a flat, empty voice.
"Uh, changed my mind. Deathscythe's perfect, and I can only run diagnostics and scans for so long before I start to go loco. Any missions come for us?"
"No."
"Ah well, we'll get something soon. I hope it's a mission that requires my 'Scythe, he's getting a little restless, ya know, and so am I, actually. All this sitting around doing nothing is really boring and I think I'm gonna go insane if we don't get a mission soon. I wonder if Quatre-" The good thing about talking almost non-stop when I'm happy or angry or just conscious? No one can tell the difference when I talk non-stop because I'm scared.
"Duo, shut the fuck up."
I guess that saying's right. Be careful what you wish for. I'd been wishing, praying, to get some emotion for him, and I got it. I got anger and annoyance and... hate. He hated me. He.... Shit shit shit shit shit!!!
I blinked away tears and forced a grin. "Oh, come on, Heero, if I shut up then there won't be any noises and I really don't like silence because it is just so bo-oring! Maybe if we had a stereo or something, or even a TV, or a-"
I didn't see him move. One minute, I'm babbling on, and the next, Heero's chair had been knocked over, I was on the floor with him standing over me, and my jaw hurt like a sonofabitch.
I'll always wonder, if I'd let him get that punch in. I'm not as fast as he is, I know that, but I am still damned fast, and I should've been able to dodge it slightly. But I didn't. He hit me, full on, though not enough to break my jaw, I noted absently, and I can remember thinking very clearly, three words: I deserved that.
He stared at me for the longest moment, one of those moments that seem to last for an eternity. I stared back, hoping vainly to see regret or sorrow in his eyes. I found cold hatred and... disgust. I saw anger and revulsion. But I didn't see regret. I don't think he was happy about hitting me, but he didn't regret it.
A low-pitched chime sounded, making both of us jump, and we looked at Heero's laptop. It took him a few seconds to move and answer the email. He may read fast, but he can't read all the complicated details for a mission in under three seconds. He sent back 'mission accepted' without even reading what he'd be doing. That... hurt, to put it plainly.
He snapped his laptop shut and shoved it into his bag, which I noticed for the first time, was right next to the sofa. He already had his shoes on and didn't have a jacket, so he just slung his bag onto his shoulder and stalked past me to the door.
"Where are you going?" I finally managed to ask, my jaw hurting with the movement.
"Russia."
Then he was gone. I was alone. I wondered if I'd see him again. I wondered what I'd do if I did.
