Hermione and the E.W.B.P (European Witchcraft Beauty Pageant)

*** Having just discontinued my Lily/James fanfiction, And So It Begins, I have (rather foolishly I know, but I can't resist!) decided to begin a new one, a HG/DM fic. It's extremely AU and set after Hermione leaves Hogwarts; she now works for the Ministry Of Magic in the Department of International Magical Co-operation. The rest is pretty much explained. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: Almost all of the characters belong to J.K.Rowling, and the plot is based on the film Miss Congeniality, though you don't have to have seen the film to understand this fiction.

This story is rated R, though to be honest it's quite tame. I know myself that most people pay little attention to the rating (c'mon! Admit it, the thirteen year olds out there! I bet most of you have read an R fic!) though I do warn you that towards the end, in later chapters, it may be a little risqué. I doubt you will find much to offend at all. ***

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Chapter 1

Hermione Granger bustled into her office, slamming the door shut behind her, and flopped into a chair dejectedly. How could this have happened? It was all going so well. But she just had to do it- mess things up! She had let down her teammates, she had let down her boss and most importantly she had let down herself.

Working in the Ministry of Magic was never going to be easy, and she had known that when she had taken it on. Having left Hogwarts with the best NEWT results the school had ever seen, she had been able to take her pick of any job she wanted, and working for her country was top of the list. She had trained extremely hard and after seven years of sheer determination and excruciatingly difficult work she had finally managed to pass the exam and become an Auror working for the Department of International Magical Co- Operation. That was two years ago and now, aged twenty-seven, she was still struggling to see eye to eye with her boss.

Percy Weasley was head of the department, and known to be rather hard to please. All the people he kept on his team were the best, no question about it, and Hermione had been extremely pleased when she was accepted to be part of it. But recently the assignments he had been setting for her were giving her trouble, and more often than not nowadays she found herself being lectured.

"No Granger! Patience is the key," Weasley had shouted at her exasperatedly a few evenings before. "You can't be so outspoken with your opinions, there are many different foreign laws you have to respect. Carry on like this Granger, and you could end up seriously offending one of the ministers abroad!" Hermione rolled her eyes, picturing her boss's hard, stern face, but she knew that he was right. Hermione was good at her job, but she had always been too blunt and "unconstrained" with her opinions.

Today had been one of the hardest days in her career, the International European Conference, where all the different ministers from Europe came together and discussed important issues. She had been delighted and flattered when Weasley had chosen her and four other Aurors to accompany him (although he did sternly warn her beforehand to not offend anyone). However, she had let him down.

The memory was all too vivid in her head: how she had called the Bulgarian Minister "outdated and old fashioned", how she had accused the German Minister of being "overly pessimistic" and how, worst of all, she had said the French Minister's idea about orange and blue broomsticks was "tacky, gaudy and something only a seventy year old hippy would buy". It was only after she had said it, and noticed that the French Minister was wearing orange and blue robes, did she realise how tactless her remark had been.

The French Minister had left in a rage, declaring that Weasley should "chooze `is companions more carefully in ze future". The Bulgarian Minister had sworn a lot in his language, and then threw a vase at Hermione. The German Minister had actually burst into tears and demanded Granger was physically removed (thankfully, a few other ministers persuaded him otherwise). Her boss had remained tight lipped until the conference was over, and then he had exploded.

"Granger!" He shouted, his face going as red as his hair. "I am furious! Not only have you risked the Union being broken down but you have also seriously offended several ministers who decide whether or not we're even allowed to have our jobs! I hope you realise how truly appalled I am. Go home; you won't be needed for the rest of the day. I expect a written apology to all the ministers you spoke to, as well as a report on what mistakes you made, on my desk- tomorrow morning."

"But sir," she had protested. "I'm sorry if I went too far, but there's no way I can have all that finished by tomorrow morning!"

"No buts, Granger," Weasley had said, in a voice of icy calm. "I'll see you tomorrow."

So here she was now, in her ramshackle office with a quill in her hand and a blank parchment in front of her, preparing to write a letter of apology to the Bulgarian, French and German Ministers.

"I am sorry for having an opinion," she wrote, reading it out loud, then paused. No, that sounded as if she condoned her behaviour. Well- she did.

Why should she be sorry? After all, all she did was speak her opinion. "I thought this was supposed to be a free country," she said aloud angrily, screwing up the piece of paper and throwing it at the wall.

"Talking to yourself is the first sign of madness you know," came a drawling voice, and in stepped her co-Auror Draco Malfoy. Hermione had hated him from the start, and found him to be very undedicated, so to speak.

"Malfoy," she said coldly, standing up and surveying him with ill-disguised dislike. "Come to gloat have you? We all know you're Weasley's pet, though ten years ago you couldn't stand him."

"It's called getting in with the times, Granger," he answered, smiling widely, though his eyes remained as unaffected as ever. The superiority in his manner and stance was obvious; the way he stood with an air of grace and arrogance that far surpassed his actual talent, and the way he seemed to lord over everyone. Hermione eyed him up and down, from his white- blonde, slicked back hair to the soles of his black expensive designer shoes. He had been in her year at Hogwarts, her bitter enemy and rival. A shiver of fury went through her whenever she had to work on a case with him, though she had to admit sometimes she enjoyed the arguments- it felt good to let rip.

"I've just come to warn you that Weasley's coming down here with Grant, and they look pissed. I think you might be in for the biggest reprimand the Ministry Of Magic has ever seen." His grin became wider. "And just so you know, we're beginning a new case tomorrow. Looks like someone might be kicked off the team." Hermione felt the bottom of her stomach drop, but she tried not to show it.

"Well now I know, Malfoy," she snapped. "So you can fuck off!"

"My pleasure," he answered composedly. He turned for the doorway, his hand on the doorknob. "By the way, you look like shit."

He slammed the door, leaving Hermione to her infuriated, troubled thoughts. Weasley was coming- with Grant? Karnopheus Grant was the Minister for Magic and even Weasley's superior. It seemed Malfoy was right, and she really was in trouble.

How she hated Malfoy! Pacing over to the mirror on the wall, she checked her appearance. It was true she wasn't looking her best, but then again, when did she ever? Her long, frizzy, dark brown hair was tied back in a messy ponytail, and anxious eyes peered out from behind thick-rimmed jam jar glasses. Her skin was just as spotty as usual, but now a deadly white with worry; beads of perspiration dotted her slightly wrinkled forehead. Hermione had never really bothered about her appearance before, but she'd never been this bedraggled at school- in fact, she used to be quite caring of her looks, though she'd never been a great beauty. Nowadays she worked with men fourteen hours a day seven days a week, and they treat her like a man too- so wasn't it natural she started behaving like one?

"Granger," came a sharp voice behind her, and Hermione stopped her wonderings and realised Weasley had entered the room with Grant close behind him. Percy Weasley was only four years older than Hermione but he seemed much older: the way he carried himself and the way he spoke was the behaviour of a much older man. Karnopheus Grant was a black, balding man in his late sixties with iron-grey hair that contrasted sharply with his dark skin. Hermione felt dread in her stomach- though Karnopheus was in general a fair man and a good Minister for Magic, he was also terribly strict with rules and punishments.

"Good evening, sir," Hermione said quietly. "And to you, sir." She decided it would be best to seem apologetic- and in truth, she did rather regret voicing her opinions so rashly.

"Mr Weasley informs me you insulted and degraded several Ministers at the International European Conference today," Grant said abruptly, his dark eyes piercing Hermione so she felt uncomfortable and gazed at the floor. "You spoke to them with a huge amount of disrespect and induced the German Minister to tears." Grant paused, and his mouth furiously twitching; for a second Hermione thought he was about to smile, but then the moment passed and his face became grave again. "I was very shocked to hear these allegations. Of course you will be aloud to defend yourself. Do you deny you behaved like this?"

Hermione hesitated. "I do believe I spoke too brashly for my status sir," she said shakily, "but I also know that I have the right to free speech, even if I should have spoken with a little more, er, tact. I apologise thoroughly for any offence I may have caused with my opinions, and before you came to speak to me, I was indeed in the process of writing up letters of regret."

"Really? From what I saw, Granger, you were merely admiring your appearance," Weasley barked, causing Hermione to jump about three feet in the air.

"Sit down please, both of you," Grant said, and Hermione and Weasley both sat upon the rickety chairs in Hermione's office. Grant himself took a seat in the best armchair in the corner (Hermione was thankful she'd remembered to clean the tea stains off it that morning). "Weasley and I have discussed this and whether we think you should be suspended-" Hermione opened her mouth to speak- "BUT we have decided otherwise, especially since one of your co-workers put in a good word for you. Since an important case arrived on my desk this morning, I think it may be better if you channel your efforts into helping with the next assignment. This assignment, I warn you, is the most important and dangerous case we have had for years, and we want you to be part of it. In fact, Granger, you are going to have to prove yourself."

Hermione listened raptly, all her attention now solely on the Minister for Magic.

"You may or may not be aware of a beauty pageant beginning in three days," Grant continued seriously. "It is called the European Witchcraft Beauty Pageant, or E.W.B.P, and is extremely famous- so famous in fact, it has been target of some protestors. We received an anonymous letter this morning, brimming with death threats, from someone who has it in for the witches that take part in the pageant. It seems there is a plot- a plot to murder.

"There is a psycho out there that is going to try and kill the women in the E.W.B.P, and to stop that happening, we need an undercover Auror that will maintain the safety of all the witches and people involved in the pageant. That means the Auror will have to fit in, and become one of the contestants. That Auror will be guaranteed a place in the top five, so they can keep a watchful eye on all the other witches and, if possible, try and find out who the psycho is, and alert us to him. We don't want death on our hands, Granger."

"Sounds like a good idea to me," Hermione said eagerly, brimming with ideas. "So there's going to be an undercover Auror planted in the pageant, dressed up as a contestant so nobody knows her real identity, and she will have to keep an eye on things and alert us lot to the killer. But who do you have in mind?"

"You," Weasley said, a smile on his lips.

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There you go, my first chapter! I hope it was okay- I tried to explain everything that was going on, but here's the run through of what happened in case anyone missed anything.

(1) Hermione works in the Department of International Magical Co-Operation at the Ministry of Magic. Her boss is Percy Weasley, who is Head of the department, and the Minister for Magic is Karnopheus Grant. She works on a team of Aurors, one of which is Draco Malfoy. (2) At the International European Conference, Hermione upset some of the other Ministers with her outspoken attitude. (3) To make up for causing offence, she's going to have to go undercover at the European Witchcraft Beauty Pageant, and try and protect all the other witches from a crazed killer who wants to murder the witches. More will be revealed later on...

Thanks very much for reading, I appreciate it! As I said, it's only R because of content coming in later chapters... I hope it was easy enough to understand, I don't know how well I clarify facts. Please review, and for those who want more DM/HG, it's coming soon, I promise! And Hermione won't stay ugly forever...