Hermione and the E.W.B.P (European Witchcraft Beauty Pageant)

*** The reviews I've received so far have been really kind and encouraging- two things I like! Please keep them coming in because without you I wouldn't continue this fic; I have always doubted my own writing ability and I need your words of support/criticism.

Disclaimer: The majority of characters belong to Joanne Rowling, and the plot is based on the film Miss Congeniality. You can't sue! Ha!

Natyslacks~ Hey you always manage to be the first reviewer, how do you do it? Lol I always get excited with your reviews because they're honest but funny (you make me laugh with some of the things you come out with!) and you're really nice to me- I don't deserve it. Thanks again!

Nishdafish and Felbalfy~ Thank you both for your reviews, and to just clear a little thing up you both mentioned: I know that the plot is very similar to Miss Congeniality but it is different because I incorporated Harry Potter into it and also had to add and take away a few little things. A lot of it will be different to the film, but some will be similar. I've written it so that everyone can read and understand this, not just people who liked the film. I have tried to distance it as far away as possible, so that non- knowers will not be put off.

Aquaprincess1~ Lol thanks :) I don't know if Harry and Ron will be in this story and to be honest, I doubt it because this is very AU and I'm leaving out non-related things to the story. I loved the review, thanks! As for jealous guys... there might be, there might not. Who knows? ;)

Dark star~ Thank you very much; I hope this chapter's also to your taste! As for her being Miss Finland, the accent will be tackled today, but you can just imagine what sort of questions it will lead to at the pageant! Lol I won't give too much away...

Thank you to EVERYONE who reviewed- I posted replies to most people but if you didn't get one, I'm mainly thanking you here. It's just that I have to post to people who either asked a question, raised an important issue or spent tons of time on their review, because I owe it to them and I am extremely grateful. Please keep reviewing!

STORY SIDENOTE: Okay this is the last time I'm tackling this issue so it doesn't get boring and hold the story up. This story is AU, and as you will realise later in this very chapter, Hermione will meet familiar characters from the books, e.g. Remus Lupin. However, for the sake of this story, she will NEVER have met them before. I have creative license, lol!

Without further ado, here's Chapter Three. ***

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Chapter 3

"Remind me what I'm doing here," Hermione said grumpily, casting her eyes around at the familiar wizarding pub, the Leaky Cauldron. All manners of magical people sat here eating and drinking, but none of them looked like whom they were searching for.

"You're here to become an undercover beauty contestant, and don't you forget it," her companion Draco Malfoy answered grimly, smoothing his hand through his pale hair. Hermione cast a look of deepest loathing in his direction, but said nothing; he wasn't worth getting sacked over. Admittedly, the idea of punching him seemed rather pleasurable, but at the end of the day her job was the most important thing to her. Instead, she turned to the matter at hand.

The day before, Weasley had spent numerous hours communicating via the Floo Network with the owners of the pageant, so that they could set up a meeting to discuss what was going to happen. Finally they had agreed after much persuasion, and Hermione and Malfoy had been sent to meet them in the Leaky Cauldron (Weasley had insisted they must work as a "team". Hermione just glowered at the thought).

"Over here," came a sullen voice, and Hermione turned to a small table in the corner where an elderly but very well dressed witch sat. Everything about her had been groomed impeccably, from her blonde beehive hairstyle to her outlined eyes from behind pink framed glasses, down to her luminous neon pink high heels. Her painted lips pursed at the sight of Hermione, and it was obvious how disapproving she was.

"Good morning Miss Skeeter," Malfoy said easily, turning on his usual charm. Hermione scowled; she hated the way he could twist people around his little finger with one bat of his long-lashed eyelids, a flash of those charming dimples and a brush of his pale hair. Was she the only one who found him totally aggravating and fake?

"Good morning," Rita Skeeter replied a little less sullenly, and suddenly all her attention was on Malfoy- just like that. It had only taken three seconds but already she had fallen for his appeal. "I trust you must be the Aurors working on this case. Mr Weasley already knows what I think," her glasses flashed dangerously; "but in case he hasn't already told you, I'll enlighten you. This is absolutely ridiculous! It is undermining the whole pageant and what it stands for. If it wasn't for the danger that the young witches would be in, I would have said no."

"Miss Skeeter, it is absolutely necessary that we don't compromise the witch's safety," Hermione said earnestly. "Without an undercover agent in there, who knows what could happen? At least this way we get all the info we need and can ensure safety for everyone. It'll be cleared up as quickly as possible and as soon as it is, we can all head home."

"I see," Rita Skeeter said coldly. "And your name is?"

"Hermione Granger."

Miss Skeeter nodded, and then gave a look of disbelief. "NO? Surely not-? But aren't you the one supposed to be the one going undercover?"

"That's right," Malfoy said, smirking slightly.

Rita Skeeter snorted with derision, and began a raucous appeal of cruel laughter. Hermione felt a sharp stab of annoyance and, somewhere in the depths of her stomach, rather hurt. Why did people keep reacting like this? Was she really that ugly? Suddenly the old woman stopped laughing, as if realising that she'd gone too far.

"I'm sorry," Rita said, though she didn't look it. "I'll send an Owl to Remus Lupin- he specialises in extreme cases, if you know what I mean. He can prepare you so you can fit in."

****

After a while, Rita Skeeter had left suddenly, so that only Hermione and Malfoy remained at the table, waiting for Remus Lupin to arrive. She avoided his eye contact, choosing to stare at the floor instead, so she wouldn't be tempted to do something she'd regret. All the while her blood boiled at the thought of having to work with him- as his PARTNER.

"He's coming Granger," Malfoy drawled, sitting up more alertly. Hermione stopped staring at the floor and looked up to see a tall, dark haired man stood next to her, his hand outstretched ready to be shaken. She shook it, as did Malfoy, and then the man sat down opposite them where Rita had sat some hours before.

"Nice to meet you," the man said, smiling wanly. "I'm Remus Lupin, pageant trainee and supervisor- and you are?"

"Draco Malfoy and Hermione Granger," Malfoy said immediately, his cold eyes casting disdainful looks at Lupin's rather shabby robes. Hermione felt a rush of sympathy for this tired but friendly looking man, and knew he would be of assistance, even if he didn't look the part.

Lupin raised his eyebrows slightly at Hermione's name but didn't say anything. He began taking some parchment, some ink and a quill out of his worn looking suitcase and placed them carefully on the table in front of him. "So you're Miss Granger," he said, writing her name at the top of the parchment. "And you'll be wanting a makeover, your hair styled- the full works, right? Manicure, pedicure... waxing, teeth bleaching, eyebrow defining... hair dying, cutting, conditioning, styling, straightening... as well as make-up, tanning, the clothing department, facials... and a few hundred other things. Okay- so when do you need to be ready for?"

Hermione gulped. "I need to enter the pageant in 24 hours."

Remus Lupin's eyes widened in shock; his quill stopped scribbling away furiously on the parchment and dropped to the table. He looked temporarily stunned. "Excuse me?" he whispered.

"She needs to be ready in 24 hours," Malfoy cut in. "Tomorrow morning she has to arrive on the bus and head for the pageant like all the other witches."

"It had better start straight away then," Lupin said worriedly, looking rather doubtful. "Have you two got broomsticks nearby? You'll need to be contacting the other members of your team to come down, because this is going into operation immediately."

Hermione's stomach turned- she was going to be made over, so she could enter a beauty pageant in 24 hours. It all seemed too unreal to be true, like it was some insane dream she was going to wake up from at any minute.

It seemed like hours before all the team finally arrived down at the Leaky Cauldron, and even then transport had to be sorted. Many had forgotten their broomsticks and had to hire one from Diagon Alley, as well as the fact that most of the Aurors were complaining they were hungry so they had to stop in Florian Fortescues. Eventually everyone set off behind Remus Lupin, who was leading the way on his ancient broomstick, everyone else travelling in an arc around him. He wouldn't tell them where they were going, but it wasn't long before they found out. He dismounted his broom in front of a ramshackle, deserted manor near a Muggle wood.

"Where are we?" Smith asked, turning his podgy head in all directions. "I hope you know what you're doing, Lupin."

"Oh I do all right," he said grimly. "I had to sort out thirty different trained witches and wizards to come down here to make her over." He thumbed in the direction of the manor. "Are you ready Miss Granger?"

"I- I think so," she said tremulously. How was she this nervous? She'd battled robbers, confronted convicted murderers, taken on Weasley when he was in a bad mood... and she was worried about a silly little makeover?

"And what are we expected to do while you play Miss Makeover?" Malfoy asked Remus Lupin, dislike etched into his cold, striking features. It wasn't often Malfoy looked so... twisted, even if he was a highly disagreeable man.

"You can either stand outside waiting or disappear for a few hours and return later," Remus said calmly, not jumping to the bait. "Nobody's allowed in... at least, not yet. You'll only get in the experts way while they prepare her."

"What was the point in bringing us here then?" Malfoy demanded, to an echo of agreement from the other Aurors standing around.

"So you could see the manor and return here later. Miss Granger, if you please." Remus took a firm grip on Hermione's arm and steered her up to the door of the manor, which was an ancient rickety drawbridge type entrance. He waved his wand and muttered something under his breath; seconds later the drawbridge lowered and they stepped over it, crossing into the spacious, dank room that lay within.

Hermione coughed slightly, a musty smell hitting her lungs and making her gasp- but it wasn't just that. All around her dozens of people milled, totally preoccupied with what they were doing, whether it was attending to tables laden with cosmetics, pushing large sun beds out into the open or scrubbing at sinks and tables ready for Hermione. One in particular looked up and smiled when they saw Hermione.

"A hopeless case," he grinned, "for everyone except us."

"Er... thanks." Hermione was getting used to this rather negative reaction by now, and didn't even bother to scowl. Besides, she was too busy watching, fascinated, the two women nearby, who were standing beside sinks and dipping paintbrushes into pots.

"... A little too brown for her colouring," one of the women said, glancing over at Hermione. "I'm thinking more of a mahogany, myself..."

"But wouldn't blonde streaks compliment her?" the other argued, dipping some scissors under the sink. "By though Cheryl, this one's a tough one, ain't it? No wonder Lupin pulled out all the stops and ordered us all... it's going to be hard making her look beauty pageant pretty."

"Cheryl, Meryl," Lupin called out sharply. "Stop gossiping and help this young lady look her best. I'll be over in the eyebrow department..." Remus turned to Hermione. "You'll be getting your teeth bleached and your hair styled first. I'll be seeing you in a couple of hours, okay?"

Hermione didn't speak; she didn't trust herself not to vomit all over him. WHY was she so worried?

"You'll be fine," he whispered, as though reading her thoughts, and gave her a brief smile before rushing off in the opposite direction, shouting, "I hope you've got that pedicure machine sorted... and I want to talk to the bikini wax assistant!"

Hermione tried to forget she'd heard this, grimacing at the thought of what lay in sort for her.

"Come here dear," one of the women called, and Hermione was dragged onto the bed, where the women began fussing around her, desperately trying to tug a brush through her wiry mane.

"Is it always this knotty?" the other woman asked exasperatedly.

"Yep," Hermione said, but before she could elaborate on her hair's rebelliousness, further dentists and teeth bleachers had cornered her, all talking ten to the dozen and pulling at her mouth. "Oi! What are you doing?" she snapped, almost biting one of the men's fingers off.

"Seems like we need that new spell," someone said grimly, and before she knew it someone's wand was being poked into her mouth.

Time seemed to drag on for Hermione, and after about eight hours she got used to the incessant insults, poking, grabbing, tugging, wand waving, prodding, stabbing, digging, pulling and anything else the experts deemed appropriate in her beautifying. She lost count of how many procedures she'd had, but all she could remember was the scream wrenching pain of the bikini wax, which Lupin had insisted on her having.

She'd also been under the sun bed, had three different facials, had her hair tugged at until she thought it had all fell out, been made over with thousands of different cosmetics, had about thirty different spells performed onto her and was currently in the process of being squeezed into a tight pale dress that clung to her body's slim form for dear life.

"I can't wear this," she cried, hugging her arms to herself self- consciously. "I'm half naked!"

"You look amazing," Meryl sighed, examining her. "You've gone from a trampy wretch to a beauty queen!"

"God, I'm good," Cheryl said rapturously, combing Hermione's hair for the thousandth time. "Would you like to take a look in the mirror honey?"

"No," Hermione said quickly. "It's six in the morning, I haven't slept or eaten anything except mangy carrot sticks, I have gel in my hair, I'm indecently dressed and the last time I was this naked in public I was coming out of the uterus... I doubt I want to look in the mirror. Can I go yet?"

"Oh yes, it's time," Lupin answered, a little smile on his face. "Everybody's packing up now. Come on; let's go show you to your colleagues. They're waiting for you outside."

She was glad to be leaving the stuffy manor, which she had spent almost 24 very painful hours being tugged at, but didn't like the thought of seeing anyone like this... especially Malfoy. What would he say? They would be waiting outside with the broomsticks so they could get ready to take her to the pageant. Hermione followed the thirty beauticians, witches, wizards, dentists and other professionals to the drawbridge, which had been lowered so they could leave, and prepared to face the world.

"Just wait till Malfoy sees this," Lupin muttered, grinning from ear to ear, and pushed the perfectly groomed Hermione Granger out into the open.

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Long chapter, as I promised... the next one probably won't be as long, because I decided to get most of the boring bit out of the way and prepare for the after-makeover explosive scenes I hope it was okay and not a little rushed. If anybody got lost in the plotline, here's the usual basic run- through:

(1) Hermione and Malfoy met the pageant host, Rita Skeeter, and she called up Remus Lupin to help Hermione to look beautiful. (2) Lupin took Hermione to a rundown manor and in less than 24 hours made her over so she can go to the pageant. (3) Now she's preparing to face the other Aurors... the next chapter is the description of her new look, and everyone's reactions!

Pleeeeease review, good or bad, I want to hear your thoughts! I need to know what I'm doing right or wrong so I can either correct it or carry on doing it the right way. I look forward to reading them. ^_^

A/N: For those who have seen the real film Miss Congeniality, did anyone notice a line I stole from it? "The last time I was this naked I was coming out of the uterus..." hehe, I love that line, and I just thought I'd take advantage of it!