Chapter 2:

The Letters from No One (Uh. . . the owls? The postman?)

[[The potion master argument had earned Harry his weirdest punishment yet. He was locked in his cupboard for as long as was humanly possible, but he came out for meals. When he had eaten, he was required to do a little dance, which had kicks and everything.]]

[[Harry was very excited about the fact that in September -it's the summer holidays in case you hadn't picked it up yet- he was going to a new school without Dudley. The aforementioned cousin was going to Shmeltings, a boarding school that Vernon went to, that was run by Dr Evil.]]

[[One evening, Dudley was trying on his Shmeltings uniform, which consisted of a skin-tight white "cat suit " if you will, a kitty cat, and a pocket sized "laser beam" for protection.]]

[[The next morning, Harry walked into the kitchen and was greeted by the smell of grass.]]

H: What's that smell?

A.P: Your uniform for Grassfloor's [[the school Harry was going to]]

H: Oh. So, why is it blue?

A.P: I'm dyeing it green.

H: ahh. . . .

U.V: [[walking in]] Petunia! You smell lovely this morning darling! A new perfume?

A.P: Well I. . .

D:[[also walking in]] smells like grass.

U.V: Yes mon petite brussel sprout! It's your mother's new perfume! Lovely don't you agree?

D: mmm great.

[[a small round of laser beams are shot around the kitchen, as Dudley moves to sit down. His new game was to shoot at the walls, the floor, his cat, anything he could if he got bored.]]

H: The post will be here in a minute.

[[Everyone in the kitchen hears the click of the letter-box and flop of letters on the door mat. They all stare at Harry]]

H: what? It always comes around ten to nine! Am I the only one who notices?

Everyone Else:[[stares]]

D:[[farts]]

U.V:[[jolting back into reality]] get the post for us kitty cat

K.C.:[[does nothing, continues to sleep at Dudley's feet.]]

U.V. Petunia! Be a dear and grab the post will you?

A.P.:[[glares at Vernon.]]

U.V. Dudley?

D: no

U.V. Harry get the post.

H: no thanks, I'm eating.

U.V.: HOW DARE YOU INSULT MY AUTHORITY! NOW GET THE POST!

H: ok!

[[Harry walks to the hall and picked up the three letters there. Being the retard that he is, he didn't notice that there was a letter for him until he had finished reading all of Aunt Marge's postcard.]]

H[[seeing the letter]] oh!

U.V.[[from the kitchen]] WHAT WAS *THAT*?!?!

H: uh oh.

U.V. [[thundering into the hall]] what's wrong? What's happened? Oh it's just you being a retard right?

H: [[a little too brightly]] Yep! That's me! Being a retard!

U.V. hmm

[[he walked into the kitchen, followed by Harry who was smacking himself on the head]]

D: [[showing a vast amount of knowledge considering his. . . handicap]] Look dad! Harry's smacking himself on the head because he just realised how stupid he was to say "oh!" and make you run into the hall screaming like a lunatic, because he has a letter!

[[he took a very deep breath as everyone stared]]

H: Dudley. . . that was . . . smart.

D: pretty impressive don't you think?

H: yeah. . .

U.V.: Harry got a letter?

A.P: A letter?

H: yes a letter and it's mine, mine ALL MINE! MWA HA HA HA HA HA!

U.V. uh. . . no it's not.

H: huh?

U.V. well maybe it is yours, but I'm taking it anyway.

H: no! it's mine!

D: I want it!

H: I want it more

D: no you don't

H: yes I do

D: don't

H: do

D: don't

H: do

D: don't

H: do

D: don't

H: do

[[While this is going on, Vernon shoved them both out into the hall, and slammed the door.]]

H: Hey! We're not in there anymore!

D: [[getting hysterical]]Oh my god! Then where are we? Where are we? Help me Harry! Where are we?

H: uh. . . in the hall?

D: oh yeah! Phew! [[he takes a deep breath and kneels at the door, listening at the keyhole]]

H: hey move!

D: No!

H: Yes!

D: No!

H: Yes!

D: No!

H: Yes!

D: No!

H: Yes!

[[Eventually there is a mud slinging match, and both boys are covered in filth. Dudley wins, so Harry lay on the floor and listened at the crack between the door and the floor.]]

U.V. there after us Petunia! We've got to do something!

A.P. riiiiight. . .

U.V. so I'll just go crazy as a loon, and nail up everything, sleep by the letter box and then be extra nice to Harry and move him up to Dudley's second bedroom.

D [[ smashing the door off its hinges and jumping on Harry's head]] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

U.V. Sorry brussel sprout that's just the way it is [[bursting into song]] #Baby, that's just the way it is baby yeah yeah! Baby. . . #

H: things are looking up but I don't want to have an actual room unless I get my damn letter! U.V. well you won't

H: ok. . .

[[Eventually everyone is celebrating the fact that there is no post on Sundays.]]

[[Vernon is just getting more and more loon as this chapter goes on isn't he?]]

[[anyway, SUDDENLY about 400 letters fall down through the chimney into the room.]]

A.P. [[screams]]

U.V. OK! EVERY ONE INTO THE HALL WHERE I WILL CONTINUE TO SHOUT LIKE A LOON EVEN THOUGH I DON'T HAVE TO!

[[the went into the hall and Vernon continued to shout while ripping out his moustache]]

U.V: GET YOUR CLOTHES! WE'RE LEAVING!

[[ They drove away and stayed in a variety of nasty places, until they reached the miserable little shack that everyone knows about. Right? Right? Well if you don't, screw it]]

H: it's my birthday in 6 hours, 45 minutes and 6seconds. I'll be eleven

D: so?

H: [[sulkily as no one cares]] I'm just sayin' is all.

[[6 hours, 45 minutes and 6 seconds later, Vernon and Petunia are sleeping on a moth eaten bed somewhere in the shack, Dudley is snoozling on a moth eaten sofa, and Harry is using his amazing brain power to work out that it is now his birthday. He's 11]]

H [[ quietly]] woo!

Door:[[BANG!]]

H: what was that?

Hagrid: only me!

Harry: oh good I was worried it was someone else trying to. . . hold on a mo, who are you?

Hagrid: Rubeus Hagrid. Keeper of the keys and Grounds at Hogwarts. So, any chance of some food? Oh Harry I nearly forgot. Here's your birthday present. I probably sat on it and as you can see, that might've done it a lotta damage, but it'll taste fine just the same.

[[Harry gave him and odd look]]

Harry: who are you?

Hagrid: I always thought you'd be a little slow Harry. I haven't seen you since you were a baby. So on with the food!

[[ he moved to the fireplace and quickly muttered a spell, of course Harry and those other weirdos didn't know it was a spell but we, being the audience/writers, do]]

Hagrid: that's better. Any butterbeer?

Harry: what?

[[Hagrid sat on the couch and took out all sorts of things from his pockets. A copper kettle, a packet of sausages, a cactus, a teapot, a mop, a small monkey, and a few cups.]]

Hagrid: so, Harry, you know all about Hogwarts then?

Harry: No.

Hagrid: What?

Harry: sorry.

Hargid: DUHSLEY!!!

U.V. stop! I forbid you!

Harry: what?

U.V. don't tell him anything!

Harry: tell me what?

Hagrid: OH FOR GOD'S SAKE DUHSLEY! [[he turned to Harry without realising that he was still shouting]] YOU'RE A WIZARD HARRY!!

Harry:[[ after picking himself up after being knocked over by the force of Hargid's roar]] I'm a what?

Hagrid: what are you stupid? Wait don't answer that. A wizard. Here's your letter.

[[ the envelope read: Mr H Potter the floor, hut-on-a-rock, the sea]]

[[ the letter read:

Dear Mr Potter,

You're in! Congrats! Our school rocks we do magic blah blah blah. Term starts September 1st, get the stuff on the other list,

From Professer McGonagall

Deputy Headmistress]]

Harry: Wow.

Hagrid: wow indeed.

U.V. he's not going.

Hagrid: and a muggle like you is gonna stop him I suppose?

Harry: a muggle?

Hagrid: non magic folk.

Harry: ahh. . . .

U.V. we swore a lot when we took him in, and we agreed that wouldn't go and be a wizard!

Harry: you knew? And you didn't tell me?

A.P. KNEW?! OF COURSE WE KNEW! MY SISTER WAS A WITCH TOO! ISN'T THAT JUST FANTASTIC! SHE GETS A LETTER JUST LIKE YOU, GOES OFF TO THAT WEIRDO SCHOOL, GOT MARRIED, HAD YOU AND THEN GOT HERSELF BLOWN UP! AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!

[[she took a deeeeeeep breath.]]

Harry: blown up? Tell me everything Hagrid.

Hagrid: well. . . ok.

[[here we go. . . *rolls eyes skywards*]]

Hagrid: see there was this wizard who's name I can't say. . . ok then you pushed me into it. Moldywart. Anyway, he got all these followers, and they killed people. No one lived once you know who said "die". Your mum and dad both got killed by him. Yes that's right Harry, cry all you want. Anyway. When he went to kill you. He couldn't. and that's it

Harry: that's why I'm famous?

Hagrid: uh. . . yeah. That and the fact that your mum was the best pole dancer around.

Harry: what?

Hagrid: Oops, lucky for me you're so slow!

Harry: what happened to Moldywart?

Hagrid: do ya wanna stop sayin' that?

Harry: no. Moldywart Moldywart Moldywart

Hagrid: ok shut up! People think he died, and I think it's a load of muggle dung.

Harry: you mean shi-

Hagrid: ANYWAY! He just went away really. No one's seen him since.

U.V. I'm not having some old guy on pot teaching my nephew!

Hagrid: you are! And just for that. . .

[[ he took the pink mop that he had brought and using it gave Dudley a monkey tail.]]

Hagrid: now I'm going to sleep! Tomorrow we can go get your stuff on the other list. Ok? Good night!

Harry: Wha. . . ?