Author climbs into bed after a hard day travelling and such.

A: [[Looking out the window]] Oooh! That girl's making a mosaic! [[Spying a glass of water on the shelf]] Mmmm. Nothing I like more than week-old water. Mmmm. [[She begins to sip.]]

Ron: [[Walking in]] Uh. hi.

Audience: Woooo!

A: [[Through water, so kinda gargling like.]] Ogr! ("Oh!")

R: Aren't you supposed to be writing the fan fiction?

A: Whag Fayn Fig shun? ("What Fan Fiction?")

R: The one with Harry Potter? And me? And his adventures and mishaps in Hogwarts?

A: [[Swallowing]] Oh yeah.

There is a long pause.

A: Why are you still here?

R: You have to write me in.

A: You what? [[Looking out the window.]] Oh no! the mosaic girl died!

R: I have to be written into the correct scene. I'm staying here till you start typing that I'm somewhere else.

A: I see. [[She makes and intrigued face and strokes her chin for effect]]

There is another long pause. Author is still stroking her chin and looking intrigued.

R: so.. Are you going to start writing?

A: Righty oh then!

R: sure.

A: but first, come and give me a kiss on the cheek.

R: Why?

A: because you're so charming and handsome, it would be rude to leave without a polite, gentleman-like kiss. Comprede?

R: ok.

Ron walks to the author and gives her a peck on the cheek.

Audience: WOOOOO!

Author: thanks. Ok. [[gets distracted and looks out the window again]] Hey look! It was a puzzle not a mosaic!

Author wakes up from a deep sleep.

A: wasn't there something I was supposed to do?

Little voice in Author's head: faaaaaaan fiiiiiiictiooooon. Faaaaaaaaaaaan fiiiiiiiiiictiooooonnn!

A: Oh well. I can't remember. Maybe I'll do some fanfiction.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Chapter 6- The Poisons Master.. I mean, Potions Master of course I do. he He he.

[[Everyone was staring at Harry the next day as he made his way to his lessons the next day.]]

Harry: it's really irritating.

Ron: He you should really get over it. I mean, your mother was so talented and everything, so it's not only irritating, but understandable too.

Harry: What?

Ron: Never mind. Hey what were you going to say last night, when you said I lov-?

Harry: Oh. I was going to say I love treacle tart, but I fell asleep.

Ron: Ok then.

[[There were only 4000 staircases in Hogwarts, but Harry was constantly getting lost.]]

[[The ghosts also really pissed the first years off. Nearly Legless Lucas kept asking them if they had any booze, and Pog the Poltergeist followed Harry solidly for a day, throwing things at his poor bum, which had been brutally maimed the evening before by a very freaky Malfoy. Worse than Pog was the caretaker Fergus Acne, who wanted to tickle them to death with pink feather dusters when they got mud on the carpet. Fergus also had an evil Ring Tailed Lemur, caller Mr Borris, who was albino]]

[[Then there were the lessons. Every Wednesday night they went to the green houses to study plants, and they also had to study the planets and stars, which they did in a magical room that reflected the night sky during the day, and the day sky during the night. There was also American History of Magic, which was when they studied the history of magic; weirdly enough, but how the Americans used magic. Then there was Charms, taught by Professor Flitwick. Then there was Professor McGonagall, who taught Transferation, in which she taught them how to apply temporary tattoos without having to wait a minute with a wet sponge. On their first lesson with her, she transferred a tattoo to her desk, which would stay for over a year, it was a pig. But achieving a temporary tattoos that would last for over a year would be very difficult and take a lot of hard work and practice. So far the only person who was any good was Hermione, who had managed to transfer a tattoo of a needle on her arm, which was still visible a week later, everyone else's dissolved within the hour. Then there were the Defence Against the Blue Arts lessons, which was taught by Professor Quirrell. Everyone was 100% sure he was gay, but he always denied it, and went off muttering to himself, which made the lessons very difficult as he kept running off in the middle of them.]]

[[Here we are on a Monday morning at breakfast in the Great Hall]]

Harry: Double Potions with the Slimey's. Who teaches it?

Ron: Professor Snape.

Harry: Oh. Him. [[Dark Look]]

[[Hedwig flew down next to Ron and gave him an affectionate nip.]]

Harry: Hedwig! You're my owl! Not Ron's! Give me my mail!

Ron: Well she seems to like me better than you. [[To Hedwig]] Do you have any mail for me Hedwig?

[[Hedwig stuck out her leg in front of Ron, and when Harry tried to take it, She snapped around and bit his finger]]

Harry: OW! Stupid owl.

Ron: Don't be so mean to your owl. [[He stroked Hedwig, and she once again put out her leg, but kept shooting angry glances at Harry]]

Ron: [[Reading The letter]] Oh. Harry, you have an appointment about your rash, and it should clear up in a couple of days.

Harry: RON!

Ron: Ok sorry. Hagrid wants to meet us for tea down in his ditch by the Forest.

Harry: sounds good.

Ron: Ok then. [[To Hedwig]] I'm going to write an answer, will you take it back to him for me?

[[Hedwig gave Ron another affectionate nip.]]

Ron:[[Writing his answer]] Good girl.

Harry: Hedwig, I'll give you some toast if you obey me from now on.

Hedwig: [[SQUAWK!]]

Ron: God Harry! She likes bacon rashers don't you?

Hedwig: [[Soft hoot]]

[[Ron tied the reply to Hagrid on Hedwig's leg, and gave her three rashers of bacon]]

Ron: Bye Hedwig.

[[Hedwig flew off, smacking into Harry as she went to purposely annoy him]]

Harry: God!

Ron: I think I might change her name, as she's pretty much mine now. What about Amber?

Harry: Ron! She's still my owl!

Ron: Sure Harry. Sure!

Harry: [[Inaudible grumble]]

[[They went down to potions]]

[[potions took place in the cellars, amongst tins of powdered egg and long life milk, in case of a house elf strike. It was very cold in them cellars it were. Very cold indeed. Brr, cold.]]

[[As Snape took the register, he kept shooting glances at Harry, and when he read Harry's name.]]

Snape: Ah yes, Harry Potter. Our. New. Combine Harvester.

[[Almost everyone looked confused, but Malfoy just yawned. How weird. Hmm]]

[[After Snape finished taking the register.]]

Snape: I am about to recite a very big speech, which I took ages to learn, so listen.

[[He took a deeeep breath.]]

Snape: Ok here we go! You are here to learn, or rather, try to grasp the obvious science and sloppy art of poison, I mean potion making. There is little clever wand waving here, so many of you will be most certainly sure it is magic- which of course is correct, it is magic. I do expect some of you to understand the beauty of a softly simmering manure bag, with it's posioness gases, the brittle powder of liquids that creep through pig veins, bewitching the corn, ensnaring the wheat. The rest of you. I gave up hope when I walked through the door. I can teach you how to bottle oats, brew barley, and even put a stopper in cocoa- if you aren't as big a bunch of Billy goats I usually have to teach.

[[He took another deeeeep breath]]

Ron: where do you think he-

Snape: Zip it Tractor Boy!

Ron: [[quietly]] he's a farmer isn't he?

Harry: [[loudly]] So I presume.

Snape: Harvester! I beseech thee!

Harry: What?

Ron: he seems to be an old farmer too.

Snape: Had I the power Combine, I would rip out your wheels from beneath you! But since I do not posses such a power, I will be brutal. What would I get if I added powdered pigs' gall bladder to an infusion of barley?

Harry: uh..

Snape: Exactly! Clearly pole-dancers aren't everything!

Harry: what?

Snape: let's try again Harvester. Where would you look if I told you to find a Gruff?

Harry: Hmm..

Snape: Aha!

[[Almost everyone jumped]]

Snape: thought you'd read the wrong books eh?

Harry: what?

Snape: thought you'd act like a bit of an eejit eh?

Harry: huh?

Snape: What is the difference, Harvester, between corner corn and corner wheat?

[[Hermione was jumping up and down]]

Hermione: pick me Nigel! Pick me!

Harry: I don't know Sir, but pick Hermione Nigel.

Snape: Sit down Thresher Girl! For your information Harvester, pig's gall bladder and barley make a really healthy country soup, a Gruff is found in all farmyards containing Billy Goats, and as for Corner corn and corner wheat, they are two farmyard crops, which are referred to in the farmyard crops gathering card game, Pit. Well? Why aren't you copying this all down? And two thirds of a point will be taken from Gargoyle Harvester, for your cheek.