Tyler suspects me. I know it. I know he knows that something is up. Well, I guess I've made it kind of obvious. I suppose I should tell him the truth. He deserves to know. Oh, but I can't tell him. It'd break his heart. I can't do it him. I can't. I'm not like that. I don't like hurting people. Soppy or not, it's the way I am. So how can I tell him? I mean, we've been going out for - um - hold on. . .January. . .February. . .March. . .there was that 'break' in April. And it's practically the end of July now. Then it should be. . .oh my days, we've going out for over SIX MONTHS now. Six MONTHS. SIX months. So long. So many stories to tell. So much history. And typical, stupid me, I'm in love with someone else.
It's so hard to have to keep pretending. I hate it. I hate lying. It's just not me. But when I hold Tyler's hand, when I kiss him, hell, even when I talk to him, I'm thinking of Jamie. Jamie. Ohhhhhhhh. Why does it have to be like this? Why? Why can't I just be madly in love with Tyler Connell, who's supposedly perfect for me in every single way with perfect blonde hair, and perfect blue eyes, and a perfect academic record, and his future mapped out for him? Why do I have to be madly in love with James Waite, who is absolutely nothing like me, with his unruly dark spikes, and deep dark eyes, and dark past and God only knows what ahead of him?
It's a vicious circle. It truly is. I can't carry on with Tyler. I just can't. I'll be lying to myself, and of course, it'll bring his world down around him in the long run. But you know the horribly irritating thing is? I can't stop my relationship with Tyler. I can't, because I'll never actually be with Jamie. I can't be, because if I am, it'll mean losing my best friend. . .
Caitie. Caitlin Anne Roth. I hate to have to say this, but she's the worst part of this whole fiasco. I mean, come on! I'm in love with the same person as my best friend for God's sake! Oh, she won't admit it, but I know it's true. I've seen the way she acts around him. The same way I used to with Tyler. The same I do with Jamie now. How horrible. I'm competing with my best friend for a guy who probably wouldn't give a second thought to dating. I'll break her heart. She thinks I'm perfectly happy with Tyler, anyway. . .
Oh no. Oh, NO! I've just remembered something! Oh my goodness, yesterday, by the river, when I was writing in this diary! Tyler was reading it over my shoulder! Oh my word. . .I can't have him finding out my secret I'll have to be so careful now. I mean, this is my secret. And it's going to stay that way. No one will ever find out. But nothing will ever be the same.
That's Caitie at the door. I've got to go. This is my secret. Mine. Always. . . . . . .and forever.