This shouldn't be how I feel on Christmas Eve. It's not fair of you to do this to me. But I think I helped you stick the knife into my heart. You're using me. To get to Buffy. And I'm letting you. The more you use me the more I hold out for you to take. I want you so much it makes me sick. It makes me cry, smile, laugh. It makes me feel everything at once. It makes me feel things I shouldn't be feeling. You want me to. But not the way I want you to want me. Not that way I NEED you to. Why can't you love me? What can she give you that I can't? I'm trying so hard not to love you. But oh god I think I already do. I should write a freaking song with all this stuff. Maybe it is a song. I know it is to me. A song in your heart doesn't always have to be a happy one. I want to hate you so badly. I want to walk away and never look back. But I can't. You've got me tied. But I helped you tie the knots. And now I can't undo them. I want you so much if makes me sick. Did I say that already? I hope so. It needs to be said so it will get the hell out of me. I wish you could hear this. But you would only hear it. You wouldn't really listen. You know what's in my heart. And you're using it to hurt me. And I'm letting you. But I can't let go. Not yet anyway. Maybe love and hate are really the same things underneath it all. Hate can lead to love and love can lead to hate. Maybe hate can move mountains too. And maybe, just maybe love is even more painful and dangerous than hate. This shouldn't be how I feel on Christmas Eve.