A Sorta Fairytale
Author's Notes
Thank you so much for the kind words. I'm really going to work my ass off to keep my word. I really am going to work very hard on this. And once again, thank you. I hope the second chapter will be as well received as the first.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Disclaimer
The Final Fantasy VIII franchise is owned by Squaresoft. The song A Sorta Fairytale is owned by Tori Amos.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Ch. 02
Self Destruct
I am surprised with myself. I didn't dream at all last night. But even if that's a good thing, I'm not feeling the benefits just yet.
I lie there, staring at the ceiling. What happened to me? How did I ever become so numb? Was I born this way? Have I spent too many years at Garden? Whatever the reason, I was a human, no matter what the Headmaster has done to me. And there are pieces of me buried somewhere deep inside. I can't reach them. No, I've tried several times. But Zell can. There's something in the back of my head saying, "He can do it."
I feel a tingling sensation at the back of my eyes. Am I about to cry? I haven't cried in such a long time. I've forgotten what it feels like.
And I cry. The tears come easy, like falling stars often do. Pretty girls are so lucky. Pretty girls always get to catch falling stars. Ugly girls never can.
I eventually quit feeling sorry for myself and get out of bed. I take a quick shower, then change into my SeeD uniform. After a few quick strokes with the hairbrush, a couple sprays of perfume, and a quick glance in the mirror, I'm out the door.
I start my day the same way everyday. I wonder if it'll go on like this forever. But there's nothing wrong with cycles. People go through cycles everyday. Even this world goes through a cycle. Why should I complain? Who gave me that right?
Just as I leave the Dormitory my memory recalls a certain promise I made to myself last night. I'm going to tell Quistis what I really think about Zell. I don't suppose it could do any harm. It's not like she's going to betray my trust. She's a better person than that.
"Xu!" a girl's voice cries out.
I turn around, smiling warmly as Rinoa comes running up to me.
"Hey, I haven't seen you in such a long time," she says. "How have you been?"
"Just fine. And yourself?"
"The same. What have you been up to?"
"Filing papers for the Headmaster, of course."
"Don't you do anything else?" she asks.
"Not really."
"Sounds like a boring job."
"It is," I admit. "But I don't think I'm very good at anything else."
"Well, you never know unless you try. I bet you're good at lots of things."
"Thank you. So, what are you up to?"
"Not too much," she says. "Well, actually, I'm bored. I wanna go out and do something tonight. I haven't gone out for a month."
"I haven't gone out for my entire life."
Rinoa laughs, slapping me playfully on the shoulder. I chuckle a little, not bothering to explain that it wasn't a joke.
"Well, let's get rid of the losing streak, shall we?"
"What do you mean?" I inquire.
"We should go out."
"On a date?"
"Not like that! You know, a girl's night out! You, Quistis, Selphie, and me. What do you think?"
"It sounds like a wonderful offer, really, but I'm afraid I must decline."
"But you can't!" she whines.
"Why not?"
"Because it just isn't right. You've got to come. I'll never forgive myself if you don't."
"But it wouldn't be your fault. It would be my own. After all, I'm the one making the choice."
"Xu, you don't have to be so literal," she says. "Even Quistis has lightened up ever since Ultimecia's defeat."
"I'm uptight?" I inquire softly, feeling stupid for not having realized it before.
"Yes! I don't mean to offend you or anything, but it's the truth. You've got to soften a little, honey. I'm sure there's allot of fantastic guys who'd love to go out with you. But they're probably too scared because you don't show enough emotions. You're not being yourself. Don't let all of Headmaster Cid's stupid paperwork change who you really are."
Is this really Rinoa I'm talking to? I never knew the bubbly dark haired girl could be so observant. Maybe she hid behind that mask because she didn't know how people would react to her unbeknownst intelligence. Still, I can't help but feel a little odd. It's almost as if I'm talking to Quistis. Which reminds me, I still have to find Quistis and tell her about Zell.
"Thank you," I say softly.
"It's nothing. Friends are there to tell you the truth when nobody else will."
Friends are there to tell you the truth when nobody else will. I can't believe she just said that. It makes so sense to me now. They aren't the ones who have been doing me wrong. I'm the one who's been throwing the daggers all along. It's a bit of a shock. I've wasted so much time pointing the invisible finger of blame at the only people who actually care about me. If only I would've told them the truth like friends are supposed to do, I wouldn't have spent so many long nights dreaming of another life.
I smile at Rinoa, nodding in understanding. She returns the warm gesture.
"Well," she says. "I think I'm going to go tell Quistis and Selphie about our plans tonight. Let's meet in the parking lot at nine o'clock."
"I'll tell Quistis. There's something I needed to talk about with her, anyway."
"Okay. I'll go and tell Selphie, then. I'll see you at nine o'clock!"
"I'll see you then."
And the two of us part ways, heading in opposite directions to track down the other two members of our little all female troupe. A troupe that I had no idea I was a part of. A troupe that I had been a part of all along.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
"Quistis. Can I please have a word with you?"
"Of course, Xu," she says, signaling for me to come into her classroom. "What's up?"
I walk up to her desk, leaning against it just a little. I'd already known that it would be difficult to find the right words, but it was something that had to be done. I couldn't keep it bottled inside anymore. And I'd promised myself just last night. I have no right to let myself down like this.
Why can't I just spit it out? Why am I making it more difficult than it really is? Rinoa just told me I shouldn't be uptight. After all, it's perfectly clear that Zell will never notice me if I'm uptight. I've got to soften up. I've got to be soft. If I ever want to be loved by the man of my dreams, I've got to be soft. Take it easy, Xu. You can do this. You've got to.
"I think that I'm in love with Zell," I say in a hushed tone.
An awkward silence falls, which sends a thousand worried thoughts into my head. I look at Quistis' face, desperate for an answer. But I simply cannot find one. She isn't smiling. She isn't frowning. She has a perfectly plain expression on her face. All I can do is hope for the best.
I'm hoping for the best. That sounds so peculiar. I never thought I could see the glass half full. I was always such a pessimistic thing. Am I betraying myself? Or is this who I really am? It's difficult to be for certain. Time will tell, I suppose.
And before I can think another thought, Quistis leaps up and brings me into a friendly embrace. I hug her back, smiling
"That's wonderful!" she cries, stepping back, looking me over. "When did you figure it out?"
"I've known for a long time," I admit. "I don't mean to push you this off on you, but I had to tell someone. It was too hard to keep it all inside."
"I understand. I'm happy for you. I think the two of you would make an adorable couple."
"Thank you. But I'm not sure if Zell shares your enthusiasm."
"You can never be too sure," she says. "Have you ever spent any time alone with him?"
"No, I haven't."
"Hmm. We'll have to change that, then. Do you have any plans tonight?"
"Actually, yes. And so do you."
"What do you mean?" she asks me.
"Rinoa thought it'd be neat if we had a girl's night out tonight. The three of us and Selphie. Are you okay with that?"
"It sounds like a wonderful idea, but what about Zell? He isn't one of the girls."
"I know. I had no idea you'd be so willing to try and get us together."
"Well, we'll have to take it step by step," she explains. "The first thing we've got to do is get the two of you alone together."
"I hope you have a plan."
"I do. Don't worry, I'll talk to Zell about it. And he won't have a clue what's going on. I promise. So, what time will we be leaving?"
"At nine o'clock," I say. "We're supposed to meet at the parking lot."
"We'll be there."
"We'll be there?"
"Yes, we'll be there. Come by my dorm at seven thirty. We can get ready together."
"Are you planning on giving me a makeover?" I inquire.
"No, not exactly. I'm just going to enhance your features. That's all."
"I'm scared."
"Don't be, honey. Well, I'm too excited. Tonight is going to be wonderful, Xu! Tonight's the first night of the rest of your life."
"Do you really think so?"
"Of course."
I smile at my blonde best friend. And then I realize how hungry I am. After saying goodbye to Quistis, I head to the cafeteria, ready to grab a quick bite to eat.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Well, after leaving the cafeteria on an empty stomach due to a ridiculously long line, I head back to my dorm. Sure, it was still early, but I figure I'll take it easy until tonight. After all, I'm going to have a very busy night. I don't want to wear myself out.
I walk into my dorm, shutting the door behind me. I walk over to my stereo and place in the CD Scarlet's Walk by Tori Amos. The familiar sounds of alternative music at it's best fills the room. And just as I begin to hum along, I spot a small package lying on my couch.
And as the music rolls along, I stand there. I stand there, perfectly still, staring at the strange package.
"How did that get here?" I ask. "And who brought it?"
I step over to the couch, gathering the package in my arms. I look it over carefully, and notice there is no return address. It must be from someone at the Garden.
I tear off the crude wrapping paper, realizing that the package was actually a plate. It was a plate with a slice of pizza, wrapped messily in plastic wrap. The plastic wrap was messy, however, because a note was written on it.
"Couldn't find paper. This is for you, eat it. You only had one slice yesterday. And it's still good, haha. Zell."
Zell brought a slice of pizza to my dorm? That's kind of strange. Although wonderfully thoughtful, it's still strange. How did he know which dorm was mine? And why was he being so nice to me? After all, he hardly even knew me. But I suppose I shouldn't be complaining. It's not like there's anything to complain about. In fact, everything is wonderful.
I eat the slice of pizza after micro waving it. Then I toss the plate into the trash. However, I keep the note that he had written on the plastic wrap. I fold it up neatly and then place it in the nightstand beside my bed. It may seem ridiculous of me, but I've got to lighten up. And I'm sure there are hundreds of ditzy, lovesick girls who do the same thing. They might even be worse.
And as the day goes by, I sit on the couch where the package had been left. The place that Zell had been. I rubbed my hands together, listening to Tori's soothing voice, listening to the strange calmness in my heart.
And Rinoa and Quistis are both right. It's changing so fast. Just yesterday morning I was an android, and now I realize that isn't who I'm supposed to be. For such a long time, I thought I was all alone. How stupid have I been? I'm beginning to understand. Life isn't a trap that Hyne has set for us. No, no, it's so much more than that. Life is a blessing that Hyne has giving us. I can't believe I've wasted so many nights questioning my own existence. But that's how it is. I'm human. Humans make mistakes. And the world really seems so much prettier now. Yesterday I only saw in gray, with traces of infrared. And the occasional navy blue when I was depressed. But now I see every color. I see every detail, every particle. There's so much to see now. There's so much to know. And this wonderful warm sensation in my chest. I think my heart's trying to tell me something. I think my heart's trying to tell me everything's going to be just fine. It's kind of funny. After just a little bit of girl talk, my entire life got so much better. What did I do to deserve this? Am I a good person? Do I have good intentions? I'm a mystery, even to myself. But I'm discovering new things. I'm discovering me. Things are going to be just fine. I'm going to ride it through. I'm going to be myself. I'm going to be me. Self destruct. The robot is gone, and the human has returned. I'm a human again. I'm me again. This is who I am. I am Xu, and tonight is the beginning of the rest of my life.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Author's Notes
I hope that didn't blow too much. Alright, next chapter, get ready for a girl's night out. And plan on having Xu and Zell have a little alone time. And if you liked this chapter, please leave a review. Thank you very much.
