I created an OC this chapter, and hope you all like her. She is not good
and not bad, just neutral, and totally innocent, but through her I want to
show something, and I hope you could understand what I'm trying to say.
(sounds like I'm saying crap, right?) I decided to change the starting
format. Do you like it?
Chapter 13: Angel of Death; Angel of Rebirth
If the world is too ugly to bear,
Embrace death,
And maybe solace could be found there
And maybe you could be reborn.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
Kurama's POV
I opened my eyes reluctantly after what felt like a hundred years of deep slumber. I did not want to face the world anymore, knowing that there was nothing I wanted in there. My love fore my mother had not diminished, but I just felt so tired of being on guard around her, not knowing who she would become the next second. I wanted to sleep, never to wake up again.
The smell of freshly brewed green tea traveled into my nose along with the natural scent of the forest pine. I was covered in a thick blanket; the mattress was warm and soft beneath me. Where was I?
"Kurama-kun, you have finally woke up," Yukina's sweet smiling face appeared before my eyes. Her ruby irises had a gentle sparkle, a hue exactly like her brother's. I could not look at her.
"Hiei." I uttered his name without even knowing it.
"I don't know if it was Hiei-kun who brought you here, but we just found you on the doorstep of the temple. You were unconscious form too much loss of blood, and I healed you. You have been sleeping for two days."
"Thanks. Can I have a moment to myself please?"
Flashing me another rosy smile, Yukina left some hot tea by the bed and left quietly.
My emotions broke through the dam in my heart, overflowing as tears that trickled down my cheeks, tiny droplets at first but soon they streamed down uncontrollably. No matter how hard I longed for you, how hared I searched for you, there was no use. I know that it was you who brought me here, but you avoided me until I had fainted. You did not want to face me. There was no use forcing this relationship to continue when you detested me so much. I should just let go and make things easier for you, and maybe one day you would still come back and treat me as a friend.
But it hurt; it hurt so much, to chase after you receding figure, knowing that you would never turn around; to know that I could never touch you again. It hurt, it hurt so much, to let the fabric absorb all my hidden pain, only to evaporate into the air minutes later, not even leaving a trace.
If only I could see you once more. If only I could feel your warmth once more.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Shuuichi, there's till no news on Hiei?"
I felt as if a knife was stabbed into my heart. I tried hard not to grimace. Shit, I still could not let go completely. It had been a month, and I firmly told myself that yesterday was the last day I would let the pillow soak up my tears, and I would bury everything after that. I hate to be wrong, and this was already the umpteenth time.
"No, I can't find him, Kaasan."
"Should we call the police? It has been so long and he has not even made a call to us."
"There's no need for that. I'm sure he's perfectly well."
Shiori was fine over the month, and Karasu was unexpectedly peaceful, except occasionally provoking me, which I felt that I would disgrace myself to jus try to comprehend what he was saying. Yet there was something strange. Judging from Karasu's character, I should be worse than dead now, considering that he had kissed me in the first week. I could see the lust shining in his eyes growing stronger day by day, and he was suppressing it, but why?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I sat on the bed, staring at the open window, and suddenly, my emotions threatened to break free again. No, the window brought back too many memories. I shifted my gaze to the floor. Surely that would be safe enough. No, you had slept at the exact same spot before. The towel? No, you used that to wipe my blood. The bed? No, I kissed you there. Why? Why was everything tinted with memories of you? Why could I not forget? Why did you bring so much torture? WHY COULDN'T I FORGET?!
I smashed the pillow against the wall, I wanted to destroy everything, to let out my frustration. Your voice kept ringing in my ears, your shadows dancing in front of my eyes. I blocked my ears and squeezed my eyes shut, but unable to shut you away from my heart. I collapsed onto the messy comforter and cried myself to sleep, once again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Dream)
A field of flowers opened in front of my eyes, lilies, daisies, daffodils, and lavenders, all of them so full of life, so joyful, so innocent. Innocence, something that I had not seen for a long time, and I almost forgot how it looked like. In comparison, my rose was so much more brilliant, seductive and deadly, a reflection of myself. The sweet scent of the combined blooming flowers traveled up my nose, letting me acknowledge a pure smell that never came across my way before. In comparison, my rose had a smell so much more intoxicating, addictive and tainted with blood.
The sky was of azure blue, a setting sun coloured the puffy clouds pink. The dazzling hues met each other in the horizon so far away. All was silent, a peaceful sound that eased the tension I felt all the time now. A breeze blew by, moving the blossoms like gentle lapping waves, washing me over with multicoloured petals. I sat down, careful not to crush any glorious bud, and started to enjoy the serenity.
A peal of laughter, like the jingling of tiny silver bells, so jovial, drifted into my ears. A little girl, about ten years old, was winding her way through the field, towards me. She had long wavy purple hair and matching violet eyes that glinted merrily whenever she laughed. Her complexion was fair, almost a little translucent with a shade of baby pink.
"Hi, I'm Murasaki. What's your name?" she asked and her voice rang out clear and sweet, like the singing of the nightingales. It resounded throughout the boundless land.
"Kurama," I replied and attempted to smile without much success.
"What's troubling you? Although I can only grant you once wish after you die, but maybe I can help," she stated and her bright purple irises sparkled even more. No wonder her name was Murasaki (Japanese for purple). Looks like I had found the head master of what Koenma referred to as dangerously powerful and mysterious dimension.
"Nothing."
"Well then, I'll tell you more about myself. As you have already felt, I am a soul and I died a long time ago. When I was alive, I was just a kid who hoped nothing more than to have her beloved ones happy and healthy, and that I could bring joy to as many people around me as I could. I wanted all the people in the world to be happy."
"But good times didn't last long. The war began, and I saw friends and families getting killed everyday. Pain, fear and horror painted their faces as thy struggled in the last few minutes of their lives. I was hurt just in watching them, yet the murderers laughed. Laughter is supposed to show that you are happy, so should I be delighted for them as they had found their happiness?"
"Later I was held prisoner, and I saw those murderers writing letters to their families in their hometown wearing grievous expressions on their faces. What was the point of doing things when it brought neither you nor the other party bliss? Suddenly, I saw that people are just looking for happiness their whole life, and some never found it before they die. The world is filled with sorrow that nothing else could be found in it anymore; the world is so filled with ugliness that I could not bear to face it anymore. Thus let death be beautiful, may it smooth all the wounds; may it fill up the emptiness in your heart."
"I wan t all the people in the world to be happy, I want them to feel satisfied, I want them to find solace in death, so after I died, I collected more and more power and now I could grant one wish to the dead. Do you have anything to wish for?"
She had seen too much, and so misplaces the positions of life and death. But there was no use telling her now. She was innocent, and remained so even through the war, but her naivety led her to misjudge the human character.
"So you are saying that people should die to make their drams come true?" I asked.
"No, it's just when you know that no matter how hard you fight for your dreams, they would never be fulfilled; when it becomes crystal clear to you that the thing you want is totally beyond your reach."
Totally beyond my reach? When had I, the great Youko Kurama who would stop at nothing and use every method possible to get what I want, had things beyond my reach? When I was first born as Minnamoin Shuuichi, when I first met Hiei. Those were when I realized that I could never be a perfect son to Shiori, and that Hiei would never full by mine. My true identity caused Shiori to be in peril, and I used to think that even though I was not like a normal son, at least I could use my powers to protect her. Now I had harmed her instead. I felt useless, and I would do anything to save her. Did that include death? Definitely. Anyway there was no one in the three worlds who could be really affected for life by my death. Hiei was gone, so was my last reason to hold on.
"What is the sole purpose of you being alive?" Murasaki asked, breaking my thoughts.
"To protect the people most precious to me," I replied without giving a second thought.
"But is that possible of you are alive? The people whom you treasure must also cherish you, and you will even hurt yourself to protect them, and so will they. Every step you take is like throwing a pebble into the lake, the ripples spread and eventually, it hits them, and they do the thing you dread most, getting wounded trying to shield you. You push them away from danger, but they rush right back because you are there. It repeats in a never-ending circle. That is why loving someone is always painful."
"So you are suggesting that I should choose death to really stop hurting them?"
"Everything is up to you, but I just want you to be happy. I want everyone to be happy." She beamed to me and her eyes glittered, and soon her whole body followed. The background was fading off, and her image dissipated, broken down into tiny grains of light that shone one last time before leaving me in the abyss.
(End of dream)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I stared at the wall, Murasaki's voice still echoing in my mind. It was all so vivid, but covered with a veil of unreality. I felt my cheeks and found the tear stains till wet on them. My eyes were puffy and tired, screaming to get some rest, which I wanted to, but was unable to give. I was desperate for fresh air.
Jumping out though the window, I started running without a destination, just earning to let the rushing wind blow away y pain. Freedom seemed to be there, and I could go whichever direction I wanted, but actually I was trapped in an invisible circle.
I stopped suddenly, my hair washed over my face by the abrupt movement. There was no point running anymore. There was no pint in doing anything anymore. I realized that I was on the mountain where Shizuru killed herself. At least I understood how she felt then. Indeed, death seemed to be a much better, much easier choice.
I sat down and pulled out a seed from my hair, watching it grow into arose as I pumped my youki into it. The moonbeams were cast onto its petals, giving it a rich texture, seducing you to touch it. I had seen too many roses in my life but what captivated me the most were the thorns, not the flower.
The thorns, so sharp, but not brittle; so deadly but so beautiful as the silver light shone onto it, showing off its full volume, ran my finger on the tip, with the weight of a feather, and before I could even feel it, a thin line appeared and a drop of bright crimson blood oozed out. Perfect. I wonder what it felt like to have the thorns buried in my flesh, just like what I always did to my opponents. Why not try it? I lifted my wrist and inched the stem towards it.
"What do you think you are doing, Kurama?" the voice I longed so much to hear rang out from behind me.
Chapter 13: Angel of Death; Angel of Rebirth
If the world is too ugly to bear,
Embrace death,
And maybe solace could be found there
And maybe you could be reborn.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
Kurama's POV
I opened my eyes reluctantly after what felt like a hundred years of deep slumber. I did not want to face the world anymore, knowing that there was nothing I wanted in there. My love fore my mother had not diminished, but I just felt so tired of being on guard around her, not knowing who she would become the next second. I wanted to sleep, never to wake up again.
The smell of freshly brewed green tea traveled into my nose along with the natural scent of the forest pine. I was covered in a thick blanket; the mattress was warm and soft beneath me. Where was I?
"Kurama-kun, you have finally woke up," Yukina's sweet smiling face appeared before my eyes. Her ruby irises had a gentle sparkle, a hue exactly like her brother's. I could not look at her.
"Hiei." I uttered his name without even knowing it.
"I don't know if it was Hiei-kun who brought you here, but we just found you on the doorstep of the temple. You were unconscious form too much loss of blood, and I healed you. You have been sleeping for two days."
"Thanks. Can I have a moment to myself please?"
Flashing me another rosy smile, Yukina left some hot tea by the bed and left quietly.
My emotions broke through the dam in my heart, overflowing as tears that trickled down my cheeks, tiny droplets at first but soon they streamed down uncontrollably. No matter how hard I longed for you, how hared I searched for you, there was no use. I know that it was you who brought me here, but you avoided me until I had fainted. You did not want to face me. There was no use forcing this relationship to continue when you detested me so much. I should just let go and make things easier for you, and maybe one day you would still come back and treat me as a friend.
But it hurt; it hurt so much, to chase after you receding figure, knowing that you would never turn around; to know that I could never touch you again. It hurt, it hurt so much, to let the fabric absorb all my hidden pain, only to evaporate into the air minutes later, not even leaving a trace.
If only I could see you once more. If only I could feel your warmth once more.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Shuuichi, there's till no news on Hiei?"
I felt as if a knife was stabbed into my heart. I tried hard not to grimace. Shit, I still could not let go completely. It had been a month, and I firmly told myself that yesterday was the last day I would let the pillow soak up my tears, and I would bury everything after that. I hate to be wrong, and this was already the umpteenth time.
"No, I can't find him, Kaasan."
"Should we call the police? It has been so long and he has not even made a call to us."
"There's no need for that. I'm sure he's perfectly well."
Shiori was fine over the month, and Karasu was unexpectedly peaceful, except occasionally provoking me, which I felt that I would disgrace myself to jus try to comprehend what he was saying. Yet there was something strange. Judging from Karasu's character, I should be worse than dead now, considering that he had kissed me in the first week. I could see the lust shining in his eyes growing stronger day by day, and he was suppressing it, but why?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I sat on the bed, staring at the open window, and suddenly, my emotions threatened to break free again. No, the window brought back too many memories. I shifted my gaze to the floor. Surely that would be safe enough. No, you had slept at the exact same spot before. The towel? No, you used that to wipe my blood. The bed? No, I kissed you there. Why? Why was everything tinted with memories of you? Why could I not forget? Why did you bring so much torture? WHY COULDN'T I FORGET?!
I smashed the pillow against the wall, I wanted to destroy everything, to let out my frustration. Your voice kept ringing in my ears, your shadows dancing in front of my eyes. I blocked my ears and squeezed my eyes shut, but unable to shut you away from my heart. I collapsed onto the messy comforter and cried myself to sleep, once again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Dream)
A field of flowers opened in front of my eyes, lilies, daisies, daffodils, and lavenders, all of them so full of life, so joyful, so innocent. Innocence, something that I had not seen for a long time, and I almost forgot how it looked like. In comparison, my rose was so much more brilliant, seductive and deadly, a reflection of myself. The sweet scent of the combined blooming flowers traveled up my nose, letting me acknowledge a pure smell that never came across my way before. In comparison, my rose had a smell so much more intoxicating, addictive and tainted with blood.
The sky was of azure blue, a setting sun coloured the puffy clouds pink. The dazzling hues met each other in the horizon so far away. All was silent, a peaceful sound that eased the tension I felt all the time now. A breeze blew by, moving the blossoms like gentle lapping waves, washing me over with multicoloured petals. I sat down, careful not to crush any glorious bud, and started to enjoy the serenity.
A peal of laughter, like the jingling of tiny silver bells, so jovial, drifted into my ears. A little girl, about ten years old, was winding her way through the field, towards me. She had long wavy purple hair and matching violet eyes that glinted merrily whenever she laughed. Her complexion was fair, almost a little translucent with a shade of baby pink.
"Hi, I'm Murasaki. What's your name?" she asked and her voice rang out clear and sweet, like the singing of the nightingales. It resounded throughout the boundless land.
"Kurama," I replied and attempted to smile without much success.
"What's troubling you? Although I can only grant you once wish after you die, but maybe I can help," she stated and her bright purple irises sparkled even more. No wonder her name was Murasaki (Japanese for purple). Looks like I had found the head master of what Koenma referred to as dangerously powerful and mysterious dimension.
"Nothing."
"Well then, I'll tell you more about myself. As you have already felt, I am a soul and I died a long time ago. When I was alive, I was just a kid who hoped nothing more than to have her beloved ones happy and healthy, and that I could bring joy to as many people around me as I could. I wanted all the people in the world to be happy."
"But good times didn't last long. The war began, and I saw friends and families getting killed everyday. Pain, fear and horror painted their faces as thy struggled in the last few minutes of their lives. I was hurt just in watching them, yet the murderers laughed. Laughter is supposed to show that you are happy, so should I be delighted for them as they had found their happiness?"
"Later I was held prisoner, and I saw those murderers writing letters to their families in their hometown wearing grievous expressions on their faces. What was the point of doing things when it brought neither you nor the other party bliss? Suddenly, I saw that people are just looking for happiness their whole life, and some never found it before they die. The world is filled with sorrow that nothing else could be found in it anymore; the world is so filled with ugliness that I could not bear to face it anymore. Thus let death be beautiful, may it smooth all the wounds; may it fill up the emptiness in your heart."
"I wan t all the people in the world to be happy, I want them to feel satisfied, I want them to find solace in death, so after I died, I collected more and more power and now I could grant one wish to the dead. Do you have anything to wish for?"
She had seen too much, and so misplaces the positions of life and death. But there was no use telling her now. She was innocent, and remained so even through the war, but her naivety led her to misjudge the human character.
"So you are saying that people should die to make their drams come true?" I asked.
"No, it's just when you know that no matter how hard you fight for your dreams, they would never be fulfilled; when it becomes crystal clear to you that the thing you want is totally beyond your reach."
Totally beyond my reach? When had I, the great Youko Kurama who would stop at nothing and use every method possible to get what I want, had things beyond my reach? When I was first born as Minnamoin Shuuichi, when I first met Hiei. Those were when I realized that I could never be a perfect son to Shiori, and that Hiei would never full by mine. My true identity caused Shiori to be in peril, and I used to think that even though I was not like a normal son, at least I could use my powers to protect her. Now I had harmed her instead. I felt useless, and I would do anything to save her. Did that include death? Definitely. Anyway there was no one in the three worlds who could be really affected for life by my death. Hiei was gone, so was my last reason to hold on.
"What is the sole purpose of you being alive?" Murasaki asked, breaking my thoughts.
"To protect the people most precious to me," I replied without giving a second thought.
"But is that possible of you are alive? The people whom you treasure must also cherish you, and you will even hurt yourself to protect them, and so will they. Every step you take is like throwing a pebble into the lake, the ripples spread and eventually, it hits them, and they do the thing you dread most, getting wounded trying to shield you. You push them away from danger, but they rush right back because you are there. It repeats in a never-ending circle. That is why loving someone is always painful."
"So you are suggesting that I should choose death to really stop hurting them?"
"Everything is up to you, but I just want you to be happy. I want everyone to be happy." She beamed to me and her eyes glittered, and soon her whole body followed. The background was fading off, and her image dissipated, broken down into tiny grains of light that shone one last time before leaving me in the abyss.
(End of dream)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I stared at the wall, Murasaki's voice still echoing in my mind. It was all so vivid, but covered with a veil of unreality. I felt my cheeks and found the tear stains till wet on them. My eyes were puffy and tired, screaming to get some rest, which I wanted to, but was unable to give. I was desperate for fresh air.
Jumping out though the window, I started running without a destination, just earning to let the rushing wind blow away y pain. Freedom seemed to be there, and I could go whichever direction I wanted, but actually I was trapped in an invisible circle.
I stopped suddenly, my hair washed over my face by the abrupt movement. There was no point running anymore. There was no pint in doing anything anymore. I realized that I was on the mountain where Shizuru killed herself. At least I understood how she felt then. Indeed, death seemed to be a much better, much easier choice.
I sat down and pulled out a seed from my hair, watching it grow into arose as I pumped my youki into it. The moonbeams were cast onto its petals, giving it a rich texture, seducing you to touch it. I had seen too many roses in my life but what captivated me the most were the thorns, not the flower.
The thorns, so sharp, but not brittle; so deadly but so beautiful as the silver light shone onto it, showing off its full volume, ran my finger on the tip, with the weight of a feather, and before I could even feel it, a thin line appeared and a drop of bright crimson blood oozed out. Perfect. I wonder what it felt like to have the thorns buried in my flesh, just like what I always did to my opponents. Why not try it? I lifted my wrist and inched the stem towards it.
"What do you think you are doing, Kurama?" the voice I longed so much to hear rang out from behind me.
