Chapter 1

Meeting Ricky Ricardo and Lisa Frump

Did I ever tell you bout the time I saw a live tapin of the I Love Lucy show? It was this one where Ricky Ricardo is doin a show an Lucy wants to be in it, but Ricky won't let her. So Lucy an Ethel come up wit a plan to git Lucy on the show. They say it is a new episode, but I am thinkin that I has seen it afore. Anyhow, after the show they let a bunch of us come up an meet Mr. Desi Arnez hisself. While I am waitin in line I think no one's watchin so I pick this big piece of snot right out of my nose. So I'm waitin in line with this big ole piece of snot on my finger an I can't shake it off. So when I git to the front of the line, I kind of hide it behind my back. Mr. Arnaz asks me, "How are you, sir?"

Well, I didn't know what to say, so I just showed him my finger an said, "I gotta boogie!" He must've passed the frase onto some of his music friends cause some time later, people is ritin songs called disco that is about boogies. Why anyone would rite a song about snot, I do not know.

By the way, before that show started they gave us little bowls of Rocky Road ice cream, which I liked very much. That is what started my addiction to Rocky Road. I couldn't stop eatin the stuff. It was so good. I ate it all the time. Then in about March, they startid this contest. There was about 27 tickets inside boxes of Rocky Road ice cream. And sure enough, I won! The prize was a life-time supply of Rocky Road ice cream and a trip to England to visit Buckingham Palace.

First, I gotta say, the whole trip was a bunch of crap! I dint even see Big Ben or the London Bridge. I just had to watch the princess and prince get pictures taken of theyselves and drink tea. Also, they stuffed me with that ice cream so much that now my addiction is cured. The prince said somethin to me, but he must've been talkin in chinees or somethin cause I couldn't understand what he is sayin. That's all I got to say bout that trip, except that somethin funny happind on the plane back. I am eatin the peanuts when I realize that it is my birthday. I kinda get too excited and shout to everone that it is my birthday. Right then, a man decidid to hijack the plane an I am getin scart. I am thinkin of runnin but there is nowhere to run to. So what I do is, I dump my last carton of Rocky Road ice cream on his head an he falls own an the guard people take him somewheres. Everbody is saying what a hero I am, but when I git home, I is not so lucky.

I am comin home in a taxi an I see that they is towin my car away. I just jump out an start chasin the tow truck all over town. Since I am such a good runner, I finally catch him. It turns out that I spent all my money on Rocky Road an now I is broke an can't pay for my car inshurance. I start walkin home an about half the way I stop at this deli an get some balogna to eat. You know, you never know ho good bologna is until you're flat broke. That is what startid my second addiction. I startid workin all the time at Big Roy's Heating and Plumbing just so I could buy bologna. Also, I saved some money so I could pay off my dept. I kept telling them that the check was in the mail, but they don't believe me. So, they is threatenin to sue me an I just say to them, "Get in line." Cause now a whole lot of people is tryin to sue me. The people at the tee vee studio want to sue me for showin Ricky Ricardo my snot, the contest people want to sue me cause I called the Prince and Princess fakes, the airport is suin me for spillin Rocky Road on the plan's carpet, and even Big Roy wants to sue me cause he thinks I am stealin supplies, which is stupid cause who would want to steal a lousy plunger?

So after everone is done suin me, I haf to find myself another job. An I am takin the bus everwhere now. I was a real crummy bus. It was all hot an the people smelled like somethin terribul. One time I am sittin next to this guy that smells like balogna, which is what stopped my addiction. Another time there was this freaky guy kinda like the folks Jenny Curran used to hang around with. He was wearin all kinds of weirdo clothes an green sun glasses. He asked me what my sign was an I don't know what he meant by that so I just showed him that thing they do on Star Trek. The next time there is a girl named Lisa Frump. We startid to date, but then she got mad cause she says I am concetid. I guess this is true since I am always telling her bout my life an bout how groovy I am.

We broke up, but I still went to see her father, who was in this iron lung thing. I went to the hospital ever day just to see him on account of I ain't found no job yet. I talk to him bout stuff just like I talk to you, but he just makes some stupid noise cause he can't talk. One day somethin bad happind: Mr. Frump died! That's all I got to say about that.