Chapter 4
Life as a Polkaholic
Now there I am sittin in the tub, watchin the Polka Channel, when they show this ad for a Polka Dance Contest. I got excited an called up right away. This turned out to be a big mistake, cause this contest is what got me my hernia. First of all, they make you fill out all kinds of forms to be in the contest. It remindid me of when I was in the suedin bidness an had to work in a big office with this stapler, some white-out, an a box of stale jelly dougnuts.
Now, I really like jelly dougnuts, but you can not eat them everday. So, I startid eatin somethin healthy: Potatoes! This became another addiction for me. I was uncontrollable. I ate all kinds of spuds. Mashed spuds, French fried spuds, spud chips, spud salad, spud cake, spud soup, spud omlete, spud cookies, spud sandwiches, sweet spuds, cherry spuds, orange spuds, apple-spud sauce, spud pancakes, hash browned spuds, spud pizza...an that's about it.
Anyhow, it was the day of the contest. When I woke up, I fell down the steps an tripped over my cat. I just knew right then that it was gonna be one of those days. So, I go to the Polka Party Contest an when we is all dancin, I kind of do this crazy twist an fall down. When I wake up at the hospital, they say I has got a hernia an can't walk good no more. I couldn't bowl, play tennis, run, play football, or even play table tennis. It reminded me of when I was a kid an had them braces on my legs to help me walk.
Well, when the hospital finally let me out an finished takin all my money, I went home an found this message from the NBC channel that says they want me to be on the Tonight Show an tell about how I saved the planet from the alien invasion. Well, I am waitin in the back an Mr. Ed McMahon does his famous "Here's Johnny!" introduction an Mr. Johnny Carson hisself comes out! He tells some stupid jokes about President Regan, then he introduced me.
"Tonight," he says, "I have the pleasure to welcome the man who saved us from the alien invasion, Mr. Forrest Gump." Everbody is clappin an I is walkin all dumb with my hernia, an sit next to chubby. First, he is askin about my suede company, an Yoda, an my George of the Jungle impression, an how I got rich savin the planet. Then he starts askin bout what my plans are an I tell him that I am not sure on account of I got a hernia in a polka contest an had to spend all my money gettin it fixed.
Well, now everbody is lafin at me an I feel like a big idiot, which I am. Even the big fat Ed McMahon is chuckling louder than ever.
Well, when I git home, Lisa tells me that there is a crismis party in a few weeks an that she boughta new pair of shoes for it. Now I tell you, I've seen some ugly shoes, but these were the ugliest I have ever seen. Mama always said that you can tell a lot about a person from their shoes. Lisa must've been the screwiest sombitch in the world cause those shoes is just so ugly. When I tell her this, she gets mad an hits me in the jaw, which caused me to lose all my teeth! But luckily I had enough money left over to git them fixed, so I am not a toothless person for too long.
I kinda felt bad about telling Lisa how ugly her shoes were an about gittin my teeth kicked in, so I rite her a song telling her how much I kinda love her a little bit an how she is good enough, at least for now, that is. Well, can you believe it? I sang the song for her crismis present an she left me right then! So now, I is goin to the crismis party myself an I am just so upset that, well, I just decided to blow up the whole place. I shouldn't have done it, but I was really upset. That insidint is what caused me to be placed in the mental institushin. An let me tell you, that was no fun at all!
Life as a Polkaholic
Now there I am sittin in the tub, watchin the Polka Channel, when they show this ad for a Polka Dance Contest. I got excited an called up right away. This turned out to be a big mistake, cause this contest is what got me my hernia. First of all, they make you fill out all kinds of forms to be in the contest. It remindid me of when I was in the suedin bidness an had to work in a big office with this stapler, some white-out, an a box of stale jelly dougnuts.
Now, I really like jelly dougnuts, but you can not eat them everday. So, I startid eatin somethin healthy: Potatoes! This became another addiction for me. I was uncontrollable. I ate all kinds of spuds. Mashed spuds, French fried spuds, spud chips, spud salad, spud cake, spud soup, spud omlete, spud cookies, spud sandwiches, sweet spuds, cherry spuds, orange spuds, apple-spud sauce, spud pancakes, hash browned spuds, spud pizza...an that's about it.
Anyhow, it was the day of the contest. When I woke up, I fell down the steps an tripped over my cat. I just knew right then that it was gonna be one of those days. So, I go to the Polka Party Contest an when we is all dancin, I kind of do this crazy twist an fall down. When I wake up at the hospital, they say I has got a hernia an can't walk good no more. I couldn't bowl, play tennis, run, play football, or even play table tennis. It reminded me of when I was a kid an had them braces on my legs to help me walk.
Well, when the hospital finally let me out an finished takin all my money, I went home an found this message from the NBC channel that says they want me to be on the Tonight Show an tell about how I saved the planet from the alien invasion. Well, I am waitin in the back an Mr. Ed McMahon does his famous "Here's Johnny!" introduction an Mr. Johnny Carson hisself comes out! He tells some stupid jokes about President Regan, then he introduced me.
"Tonight," he says, "I have the pleasure to welcome the man who saved us from the alien invasion, Mr. Forrest Gump." Everbody is clappin an I is walkin all dumb with my hernia, an sit next to chubby. First, he is askin about my suede company, an Yoda, an my George of the Jungle impression, an how I got rich savin the planet. Then he starts askin bout what my plans are an I tell him that I am not sure on account of I got a hernia in a polka contest an had to spend all my money gettin it fixed.
Well, now everbody is lafin at me an I feel like a big idiot, which I am. Even the big fat Ed McMahon is chuckling louder than ever.
Well, when I git home, Lisa tells me that there is a crismis party in a few weeks an that she boughta new pair of shoes for it. Now I tell you, I've seen some ugly shoes, but these were the ugliest I have ever seen. Mama always said that you can tell a lot about a person from their shoes. Lisa must've been the screwiest sombitch in the world cause those shoes is just so ugly. When I tell her this, she gets mad an hits me in the jaw, which caused me to lose all my teeth! But luckily I had enough money left over to git them fixed, so I am not a toothless person for too long.
I kinda felt bad about telling Lisa how ugly her shoes were an about gittin my teeth kicked in, so I rite her a song telling her how much I kinda love her a little bit an how she is good enough, at least for now, that is. Well, can you believe it? I sang the song for her crismis present an she left me right then! So now, I is goin to the crismis party myself an I am just so upset that, well, I just decided to blow up the whole place. I shouldn't have done it, but I was really upset. That insidint is what caused me to be placed in the mental institushin. An let me tell you, that was no fun at all!
