Chapter 5

From the Nuthouse to the Poor House

I was in the mental home for a very long time. It was real boring. There was nothing to do all day but eat. So soon enough I is big as the Good Year Blimp. They said I was the fattest nut they ever had.

After a few weeks in the place, they sent me to therapy. Dr. Jackson is the shrink an I lay down on his couch an he wants me to tell him my dreams. So I tell him bout my dreams about gettin stuck in a closet with the host of that game show we is always watchin bout 7:00. That is bout the only show they let us watch cept Jeopardy. We watched Wheel of Fortune an Jeopardy everday. An ya know what? They still ain't had no questions bout Brady Bunch or Jamaica yet.

Anyhow, Dr. Jackson thinks I is nuts an tells me that a good way to deal with problems is to rite songs or poetry. Well, since I am a idiot, I don't know what poetry is so I write a song. I sand it to Dr. Jackson an he says it's terrble. I tell him that it is real hard to write a song on account of I could only think of six words.

Well, one time while he is askin me bout what I see in a blotch of ink I got all frustrated an tell him that he's makin me nuts. The whole stinkin place makes me wanna stick a pitchfork in my brain. Just about that time, a differint doctor is offerin me a chance to leave the hospital early if I take part in a revolutionary new surjery called cloning. I agreed to do it. At first I thought they is gonna turn me into a clown an make me work in a circus. But I soon learn that they has made another me. Now there is 2 Forrest Gumps, except I call the new one Forrest 2. Now, why they'd want to clone a idiot , I do not know, but Forrest 2 looks exactly like me.

After they let us out, me an Forrest 2 startid a restaurant chain called Lasagna Twins with the money they gave us. We served Italian food. Well, our restaurant is doin real good an we is gettin all kinds of customers. One lady that comes in a lot is named Melanie. One day, when I is lookin out my winder with my telescope, I can see a woman takin a shower in the Gailmore buildin next door. An would you believe it was Melanie herself?

Well, I went over an told her that saw her nekid an asked her if she wanna go out some time an git lunch. I think this must be the only girl that doesn't like lunch, cause she slammed the door in my face. Well, I keep on askin Melanie out an ever time she rejected me. One time, she finally let me talk to her an I is tellin her bout my life an how rich the Lasagna Twins company is an all of a suddin she asks me to marry her. Well I do, an was I sorry! About a week later, she is sayin that I ain't satisfyin her an that she wants a divorce.

She took almost all of my money in alimony. About all I had left was my velvet Elvis picture, which is very important to me an she knows this so she lets me keep it. It's important to me cause Jenny gave it to me when she was still alive. Plus it's good for coverin up the big old hole in the wall of my crummy apartmen I got to live in. Also, she let me keep this crummy game called Twister. I don't think I ever played it afore, an I didn't know what to do with the mat, so I just used it for rappin paper.

Well, after awhile, I got tired of running the restaurant, so I give the company to Forrest 2 an go live with Leutenint Dan in a cabin in the woods. Well I tell you, those were the good old days. Dan would be makin breakfast an I'd be thinkin up new ways to torture Melanie to pay her back for rippin me off. I finally did come up with a revenge, but I'll tell you bout that later.