This is the last chapter, everyone!! Finally I've finished it. Hope you
enjoy. BE GENEROUS ON YOUR REVIEWS!
WARNING: many people are going to kill me for this. *hides*
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Chapter 19: I Want To Go On Loving You . . .
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Kurama's POV
I opened my eyes and saw Yusuke, Kuwabara and Koenma all crowded around me.
"Look! Kurama is awake! Hey, Kurama, are you feeling OK?" Yusuke asked with a wide grin.
"Yes, I'm fine," I lied. No, I wasn't. why was I here? I chose to die, I didn't want to be here, I could never leave without someone replacing me . . . I sat up with a start and looked at Hiei's body beside me. I fumbled for his hand. It was was ice cold and limp; there was no life in it. "Hiei . . ." I whispered, shivering unconsciously.
"Kurama, congratulations for completing the mission. I have revived Shizuru as promised," Koenma announced formally, earning another round of cheers from the two boys. No, it wasn't me completed the mission.
"Hiei . . . wake up," I whispered again, gently shaking his lifeless body. The reality surrounding me, suffocating me, making me heart pump furiously, as if it was shouting, wanting to break the dead silence that Hiei was giving. I opened my mouth; I wanted to yell, to pry his eyes open, but my voice was stuck. I knew I had lost my right to do so.
"Kurama, I'm sure Hiei will come to after a while," Yusuke said reassuringly and place his hand on my shoulder.
"DON'T LIE TO ME! DON'T TOUCH ME!" I burst out and slapped his hand away. "Don't lie to me, I know that . . . he would not wake up," I murmured, turning back to Hiei. I skimmed my hand over his face, shuddering at the icy touch.
Why did you do that? Didn't you say that you would never try to change the past, which you could only get over death? Didn't you tell me to do as you said? Then why did you break the principles you made up yourself? Didn't you know me enough that I could never live without you, that that was why I chose to escape? I had so many questions to ask you. You had to answer me, even if it's just a smirk, a smile, anything, but please stop lying there.
I promise that I would never do thing like this again; I promise that I would do whatever you tell me to. I won't think about anyone else, so come back. Was it because all my vows were not trustworthy enough? Was that why you always refused to let me make a promise, because you knew that I was going to break it someday?
Yes, that must be the reason. But, you weren't there with me that time, and I was so confused. I . . . I thought that if Shiori was not there, I could not put my love totally onto you, but now I knew, and I wanted to tell you. Wake up, Hiei. You must be joking, right? And you will open your eyes, just like last time. Don't let me wait longer.
But he just lay there.
I gently raised his body, holding him in my arms, and pressed my cheek against his. You were so cold, but I could make you warm, and then, your heart would start beating again, like mine. I'll give you all the warmth I had, if it could bring you back. I wrapped my arms around him tighter, wanting desperately the hold that was in me to be filled. Yet the more I held you, the emptier I felt. What I was holding was only a vacant shell.
I had betrayed you, and I had no right to tough you, so push me away! Scold me, beat me, take revenge in any form, but not this. I know that you were dead, but I could continue believing that you were going to wake up. I didn't care if I was lying to myself. I still had the right to do this, hadn't I?
I thought that I would cry, until I had no tears anymore. Now, no matter how much my eyes hurt, no tears were coming. You used to say that crying is a sign of weakness, and you hate it; so I won't cry. It hurt so much that I could not do anything but stay by your side until you come back. It was far beyond though sadness of crying.
I continued holding him close. I would not cry.
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Koenma's POV
Now thing were really getting worse. It was obvious that Hiei . . . did no succeed in the mission. Of course I was sorry that we had lost one of the Tantei members, but now, it seemed that we were on the verge of losing another.
Yusuke and Kuwabara just stood there, looking grim, after the truth had set in. the room suddenly became intensely quiet. I knew the two Ningen were fighting back tears, but Kurama . . . He was too calm, and it unnerved me. It was normal if he had cried, yelled or broke into hysterics, since Hiei was his best friend, but I didn't expect . . . I'd rather be dealing with hysterics than with calmness now. Or was it really calmness?
"Kurama . . ." I tried, and shifted left a little so that I could see his face.
Totally expressionless. He was just hugging Hiei's dead body. This somehow reminded me of what he became right after Shiori died, but there was one difference. His eyes were golden that time. Now, it was . . . gray, or rather, so dull that I might have thought he was dead too. That was not good.
"Kurama! Come back to the reality!" I yelled, shattering the silence in the room. I stepped forward and, unsure of whether to touch him or not, waved my hand in front of his eyes. He didn't even blink. Damn it!
I threw my cautions to the back of my mind, grabbed his shoulders and shook him hard. "Kurama! SNAP OUT OF IT! YOU'RE GOING TO DIE TOO THIS WAY!" it was no use. What should I do?! That's it!
I took deep breaths and made my voice normal again, before speaking, "I think that I may have a way to bring Hiei back, if you will please tell me in detail what happened, Kurama." His irises flickered emerald, and after a while, he looked at me, though his sight was totally unfocused, it was good enough.
"Well, what exactly happened? I need to know he situation," I consoled, not wanting to spoil this rare chance.
"I made my wish . . . For Shiori to be brought back to life, but I had to replace her in the afterworld. I guess Hiei wished for me to be back, so he must have taken my place." He whispered emptily.
"Remember that your soul would be split into two before you go into that dimension? I have the other half of Hiei's soul, and I can revive him on that, but I think the memories in the lost part of his soul can only return to him I few can track down his lost soul." I didn't want to go on with my explanation.
"And?" he stared at me with those hollow eyes, and I shivered.
"And, the chances that we will find it is slim. The afterworld is too vast, and there's no record of where each soul will go. I only know where I put them, but I have no idea where they will end up at." His head slowly dropped, and I quickly added, "It is worth a try, though. Even if we can't find it, I can still revive him."
"What will become of him?"
"I don't know," I avoided his gaze.
He stood up abruptly, and I winced as the dead body hit the floor. Kurama didn't bother to even put it down. He brushed past the two teenagers, and left, without looking back. None of us made an attempt to stop him.
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Kurama's POV
I walked. Letting my feet bring me to anywhere they wanted. I stopped, and found myself at the doorstep of my house. I knocked instinctively. The door opened, and Shiori stood there, just like she always did. She smiled and led me in, then frowned. I made a miserable try to make myself look normal.
"What happened, Shuuichi? Still can't find Hiei?" she asked. I assumed her memories regarding to her death were automatically erased as she was revived. Why didn't it happen to me too? Then I would at least forget my crime, my guilt, and could still wait for your return, hoping that not much of your memories were lost. But I didn't forget, and now I couldn't even hope for that, because even if you came back, I had no right to face you again.
No, not totally because I lost my right. I had no courage to meet you, I didn't know if I could ever say a word to you without feeling that there was a barrier between us. A wall that I stupidly built up to escape.
"I'm fine, Okaasan, and yes, I can't find Hiei. I'll go take a rest." I left without much of a glance at her. It hurt too much to see her and being reminded that Hiei died for my selfish wish.
"Oh, Shuuichi, a blue-haired girl came today to let me give this to you," she said and chased up to me, handing me a delicate pouch. "She said her name is Yukina, and that 'please believe in the gems'." She smiled again and left me alone.
On my way to my room, I passed many doors. There was one that pulled me towards it. I opened the door and stepped in. Memories of Hiei flooded over me, as the room was overwhelmed with his aura, his scent, and filled with objects that he left his mark on. I sank to my knees. I couldn't take it anymore.
The closet full of Ningen clothing that I bought for him, that he wore with complaints. The half-made bed, the table with paper strewn all over it. The pouch fell from my hand, opened, and tear gems black and red rolled out. I picked up a red one. 'Everything that's mine belongs to you'.
The feeling was too vivid. His aura on these objects was still fresh, and his voice continues echoing in my ears. The more realistic they were, the more I know they were the past. Something that is happening is never this real, like the tears that I felt collecting in my eyes. No, I promised not to cry.
Promise? To who? Don't fool yourself. He was . . .already dead when you made that empty vow.
A droplet glided across my cheek. Followed by another tow. Then countless fell, out of control, dripped down my chin, landing on the carpet, on my hands, which tightly clutched the gem and the fabric of my clothes. My chest started heaving up and down, gasping for breath, as tears almost choked me up. Broken sobs ran through my body. It didn't make me fell any better, only to tell me the painful truth that I was still alive.
I didn't know how long I cried. I wished that I could drown in my tears. They continued coursing down my face, though the sobs were less violet. I held up a shaky hand and opened it, seeing the jewel, red as blood. It was the only thing that stayed unchanged in these few days. Still so perfect, so opaque yet so transparent, so round, so . . . filled with love, love that was frozen in it, captured while it was most beautiful.
That would never happen again. The Hiei I knew was dead. I killed him; I killed his love. Once the new Hiei had awakened, the place of the old Hiei would be washed away and replaced in others' hearts. But not for me.
He would still be Hiei, yet without his most important memories, he would be nothing. He won't remember how he died, but I would. Every scar that was erased from him was added double to me. I would suffer for him. I wanted that; I deserve that. At least I t told me is still love him, no matter how much I hurt. I want to go no loving him . . .
The realization brought about a fresh round of tears, never ending. A few droplets fell onto the gem I was holding, covering it with a layer of liquid which reflected my face on it. The fluid diminished ht warm crimson glow of the gem itself, wrapping up the love with bitterness. It would never shine again.
//~~~~~~~// Death could be peaceful; living could be painful. Everything is not what it seems. Depends on who you are with. //~~~~~~~//
//~~~~~~~// Owari //~~~~~~~//
IMPORTANT!! PLEASE READ!!
Don't kill me yet. Do you want a sequel? I am planning one, but not sure when I will start writing it. Maybe I will hurry up if I get more review. Anyway, the next fanfic will be Seasons, so please look out for it!!
See you soon.
Double
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Chapter 19: I Want To Go On Loving You . . .
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kurama's POV
I opened my eyes and saw Yusuke, Kuwabara and Koenma all crowded around me.
"Look! Kurama is awake! Hey, Kurama, are you feeling OK?" Yusuke asked with a wide grin.
"Yes, I'm fine," I lied. No, I wasn't. why was I here? I chose to die, I didn't want to be here, I could never leave without someone replacing me . . . I sat up with a start and looked at Hiei's body beside me. I fumbled for his hand. It was was ice cold and limp; there was no life in it. "Hiei . . ." I whispered, shivering unconsciously.
"Kurama, congratulations for completing the mission. I have revived Shizuru as promised," Koenma announced formally, earning another round of cheers from the two boys. No, it wasn't me completed the mission.
"Hiei . . . wake up," I whispered again, gently shaking his lifeless body. The reality surrounding me, suffocating me, making me heart pump furiously, as if it was shouting, wanting to break the dead silence that Hiei was giving. I opened my mouth; I wanted to yell, to pry his eyes open, but my voice was stuck. I knew I had lost my right to do so.
"Kurama, I'm sure Hiei will come to after a while," Yusuke said reassuringly and place his hand on my shoulder.
"DON'T LIE TO ME! DON'T TOUCH ME!" I burst out and slapped his hand away. "Don't lie to me, I know that . . . he would not wake up," I murmured, turning back to Hiei. I skimmed my hand over his face, shuddering at the icy touch.
Why did you do that? Didn't you say that you would never try to change the past, which you could only get over death? Didn't you tell me to do as you said? Then why did you break the principles you made up yourself? Didn't you know me enough that I could never live without you, that that was why I chose to escape? I had so many questions to ask you. You had to answer me, even if it's just a smirk, a smile, anything, but please stop lying there.
I promise that I would never do thing like this again; I promise that I would do whatever you tell me to. I won't think about anyone else, so come back. Was it because all my vows were not trustworthy enough? Was that why you always refused to let me make a promise, because you knew that I was going to break it someday?
Yes, that must be the reason. But, you weren't there with me that time, and I was so confused. I . . . I thought that if Shiori was not there, I could not put my love totally onto you, but now I knew, and I wanted to tell you. Wake up, Hiei. You must be joking, right? And you will open your eyes, just like last time. Don't let me wait longer.
But he just lay there.
I gently raised his body, holding him in my arms, and pressed my cheek against his. You were so cold, but I could make you warm, and then, your heart would start beating again, like mine. I'll give you all the warmth I had, if it could bring you back. I wrapped my arms around him tighter, wanting desperately the hold that was in me to be filled. Yet the more I held you, the emptier I felt. What I was holding was only a vacant shell.
I had betrayed you, and I had no right to tough you, so push me away! Scold me, beat me, take revenge in any form, but not this. I know that you were dead, but I could continue believing that you were going to wake up. I didn't care if I was lying to myself. I still had the right to do this, hadn't I?
I thought that I would cry, until I had no tears anymore. Now, no matter how much my eyes hurt, no tears were coming. You used to say that crying is a sign of weakness, and you hate it; so I won't cry. It hurt so much that I could not do anything but stay by your side until you come back. It was far beyond though sadness of crying.
I continued holding him close. I would not cry.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Koenma's POV
Now thing were really getting worse. It was obvious that Hiei . . . did no succeed in the mission. Of course I was sorry that we had lost one of the Tantei members, but now, it seemed that we were on the verge of losing another.
Yusuke and Kuwabara just stood there, looking grim, after the truth had set in. the room suddenly became intensely quiet. I knew the two Ningen were fighting back tears, but Kurama . . . He was too calm, and it unnerved me. It was normal if he had cried, yelled or broke into hysterics, since Hiei was his best friend, but I didn't expect . . . I'd rather be dealing with hysterics than with calmness now. Or was it really calmness?
"Kurama . . ." I tried, and shifted left a little so that I could see his face.
Totally expressionless. He was just hugging Hiei's dead body. This somehow reminded me of what he became right after Shiori died, but there was one difference. His eyes were golden that time. Now, it was . . . gray, or rather, so dull that I might have thought he was dead too. That was not good.
"Kurama! Come back to the reality!" I yelled, shattering the silence in the room. I stepped forward and, unsure of whether to touch him or not, waved my hand in front of his eyes. He didn't even blink. Damn it!
I threw my cautions to the back of my mind, grabbed his shoulders and shook him hard. "Kurama! SNAP OUT OF IT! YOU'RE GOING TO DIE TOO THIS WAY!" it was no use. What should I do?! That's it!
I took deep breaths and made my voice normal again, before speaking, "I think that I may have a way to bring Hiei back, if you will please tell me in detail what happened, Kurama." His irises flickered emerald, and after a while, he looked at me, though his sight was totally unfocused, it was good enough.
"Well, what exactly happened? I need to know he situation," I consoled, not wanting to spoil this rare chance.
"I made my wish . . . For Shiori to be brought back to life, but I had to replace her in the afterworld. I guess Hiei wished for me to be back, so he must have taken my place." He whispered emptily.
"Remember that your soul would be split into two before you go into that dimension? I have the other half of Hiei's soul, and I can revive him on that, but I think the memories in the lost part of his soul can only return to him I few can track down his lost soul." I didn't want to go on with my explanation.
"And?" he stared at me with those hollow eyes, and I shivered.
"And, the chances that we will find it is slim. The afterworld is too vast, and there's no record of where each soul will go. I only know where I put them, but I have no idea where they will end up at." His head slowly dropped, and I quickly added, "It is worth a try, though. Even if we can't find it, I can still revive him."
"What will become of him?"
"I don't know," I avoided his gaze.
He stood up abruptly, and I winced as the dead body hit the floor. Kurama didn't bother to even put it down. He brushed past the two teenagers, and left, without looking back. None of us made an attempt to stop him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kurama's POV
I walked. Letting my feet bring me to anywhere they wanted. I stopped, and found myself at the doorstep of my house. I knocked instinctively. The door opened, and Shiori stood there, just like she always did. She smiled and led me in, then frowned. I made a miserable try to make myself look normal.
"What happened, Shuuichi? Still can't find Hiei?" she asked. I assumed her memories regarding to her death were automatically erased as she was revived. Why didn't it happen to me too? Then I would at least forget my crime, my guilt, and could still wait for your return, hoping that not much of your memories were lost. But I didn't forget, and now I couldn't even hope for that, because even if you came back, I had no right to face you again.
No, not totally because I lost my right. I had no courage to meet you, I didn't know if I could ever say a word to you without feeling that there was a barrier between us. A wall that I stupidly built up to escape.
"I'm fine, Okaasan, and yes, I can't find Hiei. I'll go take a rest." I left without much of a glance at her. It hurt too much to see her and being reminded that Hiei died for my selfish wish.
"Oh, Shuuichi, a blue-haired girl came today to let me give this to you," she said and chased up to me, handing me a delicate pouch. "She said her name is Yukina, and that 'please believe in the gems'." She smiled again and left me alone.
On my way to my room, I passed many doors. There was one that pulled me towards it. I opened the door and stepped in. Memories of Hiei flooded over me, as the room was overwhelmed with his aura, his scent, and filled with objects that he left his mark on. I sank to my knees. I couldn't take it anymore.
The closet full of Ningen clothing that I bought for him, that he wore with complaints. The half-made bed, the table with paper strewn all over it. The pouch fell from my hand, opened, and tear gems black and red rolled out. I picked up a red one. 'Everything that's mine belongs to you'.
The feeling was too vivid. His aura on these objects was still fresh, and his voice continues echoing in my ears. The more realistic they were, the more I know they were the past. Something that is happening is never this real, like the tears that I felt collecting in my eyes. No, I promised not to cry.
Promise? To who? Don't fool yourself. He was . . .already dead when you made that empty vow.
A droplet glided across my cheek. Followed by another tow. Then countless fell, out of control, dripped down my chin, landing on the carpet, on my hands, which tightly clutched the gem and the fabric of my clothes. My chest started heaving up and down, gasping for breath, as tears almost choked me up. Broken sobs ran through my body. It didn't make me fell any better, only to tell me the painful truth that I was still alive.
I didn't know how long I cried. I wished that I could drown in my tears. They continued coursing down my face, though the sobs were less violet. I held up a shaky hand and opened it, seeing the jewel, red as blood. It was the only thing that stayed unchanged in these few days. Still so perfect, so opaque yet so transparent, so round, so . . . filled with love, love that was frozen in it, captured while it was most beautiful.
That would never happen again. The Hiei I knew was dead. I killed him; I killed his love. Once the new Hiei had awakened, the place of the old Hiei would be washed away and replaced in others' hearts. But not for me.
He would still be Hiei, yet without his most important memories, he would be nothing. He won't remember how he died, but I would. Every scar that was erased from him was added double to me. I would suffer for him. I wanted that; I deserve that. At least I t told me is still love him, no matter how much I hurt. I want to go no loving him . . .
The realization brought about a fresh round of tears, never ending. A few droplets fell onto the gem I was holding, covering it with a layer of liquid which reflected my face on it. The fluid diminished ht warm crimson glow of the gem itself, wrapping up the love with bitterness. It would never shine again.
//~~~~~~~// Death could be peaceful; living could be painful. Everything is not what it seems. Depends on who you are with. //~~~~~~~//
//~~~~~~~// Owari //~~~~~~~//
IMPORTANT!! PLEASE READ!!
Don't kill me yet. Do you want a sequel? I am planning one, but not sure when I will start writing it. Maybe I will hurry up if I get more review. Anyway, the next fanfic will be Seasons, so please look out for it!!
See you soon.
Double
