Susan came out of the bathroom. Luka was already in bed. "Can I turn out the light?" she asked.
"Yeah." Luka switched on the smaller beside lamp. He still couldn't sleep in the dark.
Susan got into bed, leaned over for a quick kiss. He could do that now, kiss her. She had an early shift tomorrow. But Luka's hand went behind her head, holding her there for a longer, more lingering kiss. His hand moved to her neck, and slowly down to the curve of her back.
Susan was about to say "Not tonight. I have to get up early," when she sensed that something was different. There was an urgency in his touch, and the distance that was usually there had vanished, the emotional distance that had been there for far too long; and the real, physical distance, the way he'd usually tried to keep space between their bodies, touching her only with his hands and lips. Now he was trying to pull her close, trembling a little as his hand slipped under her nightshirt to stroke the bare skin of her back, her breasts.
Even as she surrendered to his touch, Susan tried to guess what he was thinking, feeling. Something had clearly changed, but if she rushed him, went too fast, tried to make him go too fast, would he panic again? Would he stop himself from feeling what he might, finally, be ready to feel? When his mouth sought out her breasts, Susan caught her breath, then, mimicking his motions of a few moments before, let her hands go to the back of his head, tangling her fingers in his hair for an instant, then more slowly down to his neck -- his back. And, for an instant, she felt him freeze. "That feels so good," she murmured, encouraging him, and he relaxed again, letting his mouth and tongue continue their explorations, and Susan's hands were free to continue their own. The muscles of his shoulders -- his back -- the ridges of his ribs -- he was so thin -- then back up to his neck, his hair. 'Take it slow, Susan,' she told herself. But ... God ... she wanted him so badly, she'd been wanting him for such a long time. And he was lying close enough to her now, his body pressed against her, that it was obvious to her that he was responding too. Would he allow it to happen, or would he panic? 'Stop analyzing everything, Susan,' she told herself. 'You need to be relaxing too, and just letting it happen.'
She gently raised his head from her breasts so she could kiss his lips again, and she let her hands caress his chest, and then downward. And, for an instant, she felt his body tense again.
"It's good," she said encouragingly, and Luka smiled back at her, but she could see the uncertainty, and she could sense the fear. "Sweetheart, this is what's supposed to happen, remember?" And he relaxed again. He laughed a little, a laugh that Susan stopped by kissing him again.
She continued to caress him, feeling him grow harder under her touch, feeling his breathing quicken -- and she knew that it was desire and excitement now, not fear or panic.
Then, abruptly, Luka took Susan's hand and moved it away from him, and rolled away from her a little. "I think ... that's enough," he said.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing ... it's good ... everything is good ... it's just ...." he shook his head. He couldn't look at her.
Susan raised up on one elbow, looked at him. "I can ... take care of you if you like. My hands work pretty well that way too, you know. But I want for us to make love. I think you are ready." A teasing smile. "In every way."
"No." Luka was serious now. "We talked about this. It's too dangerous. I'm not going to put you at risk."
"If we're careful there is virtually no risk. I'm at more risk working in the ER every day. I'm willing to chance it, Luka. And I think it's something that you need to do. Even if it's just this once, if we never do it again, I think you need to know that you can. Besides, I bought that box of condoms ages ago. It would be a pity to waste it."
Luka finally met her eyes. "Are you sure you want to? I don't want it to just be for me ... like some sort of therapy or something."
"I'm sure. I've been wanting this for a very long time. And not just for you."
"All right." Luka smiled, still a little shakily she thought, and kissed her. They kissed, touched, explored for a few more minutes, then Luka opened the bedside table drawer.
"If it would be easier on your leg, I can be on top," Susan said.
"I think I can manage, unless you prefer it."
"No, whatever you want. I'm very flexible."
"Yes, I've noticed that," Luka teased, and rolled onto her. For a moment he just lay there -- was he getting ready to make love, for the first time, to the woman he loved or bracing himself for some horrible ordeal? They needed to get on with it, Susan knew, or anxiety, if not outright panic, would make him lose his erection. She pulled his head down to hers and kissed him again, then reached down and guided him inside of her. Her own breath caught a little with the pleasure of the moment, her own sensations. But even better was seeing Luka's eyes widen a little, hearing his breath catch, as he felt the long forgotten pleasures -- seemed to remember suddenly what this was all supposed to be about.
Their love making was not, perhaps, what Susan had always imagined in her fantasies. Once they began, Luka suddenly seemed to be somewhere else, but she could tell it was somewhere good; he was caught up in the feelings, the sensations, the emotions, the pleasures that he had not felt -- had not allowed himself to be able to feel for such a long time. He didn't seem to know that she was even there anymore, seemed unable to give any thought to her pleasure. After the first moment, his eyes were tightly shut the whole time. But for Susan there was pleasure enough in watching his face, hearing the sharp little gasps as his excitement increased, his movements quickened until, rather too soon, he collapsed into her arms, and lay there trembling. After a few moments, his trembling grew more pronounced, his breathing had a catch to it again.
"Hey," Susan said gently. "You ok?"
"Yeah ..." Luka's voice was husky. "I'm great." He was crying a little. But as he raised himself up a little bit to look at her again, she saw that they were tears of happiness, of emotion, not of fear or panic.
"Well, if you're ok, you'd better get off me," Susan said lightly. "You're still pretty heavy, you know." Luka obligingly rolled off her, and wiped his eyes, and then her own. And Susan realized that she'd been crying too.
"Sorry," he said after a minute. "That probably wasn't quite what you were expecting. I'm usually not that ... quick."
"It's been a long time," Susan said.
"I can still take care of you."
"No. I'm perfectly satisfied. Besides," she added with a mischievous smile, "after the past few months, I figure I owe you at least a few orgasms before we even up the score." And she was pleased to see Luka smile again.
They lay together, easy, relaxed, not talking. Susan remembered that she had an early shift, that she should go to sleep. But she didn't want to sleep, didn't want to lose a minute of this, of what they had never had before -- lying in bed together, naked, bodies touching easily, relaxed. She didn't want to lose this. How many nights like this would they have, before she lost him forever?
Suddenly she felt Luka's body start to shake again, he made a noise in his throat. She started to sit up in alarm, then she saw that he was smiling, fighting back laughter. He couldn't hold it back any longer. God ... how long had it been since she'd heard him laugh ... really laugh? It was a beautiful sound. She didn't want it to ever stop, but she finally had to ask, "What is so funny?"
Luka just shook his head, laughing too hard to talk.
"Come on, Luka, if you're going to keep me awake, you can at least let me in on the joke."
"I was just thinking," Luka finally said, wiping his eyes. "That when Father James asked me to go to mass, he probably didn't expect that the result would be that I would end up making love with a woman who is not my wife."
"I think he'd be thrilled to know that you are happy," Susan said. She hesitated. "And you know ... we could certainly take care of that one little problem, if you want."
"What problem?"
"The 'not your wife,' problem. We could get married."
"Married? Very romantic." The humor was gone.
"Why not? We love each other. We are happy together. I'm living here." Another teasing smile. "We know now that you are capable of consummating the marriage. Why not make it all legal?"
"Because ... you would then be a widow within six months, a year if we're lucky. I've been there. It's not a role I recommend."
"Luka ... when you die, when I have to give you up, it's going to hurt. And I don't think it's going to hurt any less just because I don't have a ring on my hand."
"No, Susan. It's very romantic, but it just isn't very practical."
"It is. I mean ... I want to marry you because I happen to love you, but there are practical benefits too. I could throw away that power of attorney that's been cluttering up my wallet. As your wife, I wouldn't need it. And, insurance ... I mean ... you won't be able to work indefinitely ..."
"And when I can't work, I won't need insurance. When I can't work, I'll just be sitting at home waiting to die, and at that point, I don't think there will be much point in delaying it with a lot of expensive medical care. It will happen when it happens ... right here."
"You can't just give up. There are still things they can do for you ..." Susan blinked back tears. "I thought you were happier?"
"I am. And part of that happiness is from being ... at peace, I guess ... with what's happening. I'm going to die. It will happen soon. A year ... maybe less, maybe a little more. Right now, I still have things to live for, to keep fighting for. But when I don't anymore, I'm not going to just ... go on for the sake of being alive. I've done that before. It isn't worth it."
"I'll always be here," Susan said. "Aren't I worth living for?"
"You are part of the reason. You are the biggest reason. I love you too much to tie you to me when I know I won't have anything more to give you." He kissed her gently. "You've already given me so much; far more than I have ever given you, more than I ever could give you. But when the time comes, you're going to have to let me go. It will be time then for both of us to move on."
"Yeah." Luka switched on the smaller beside lamp. He still couldn't sleep in the dark.
Susan got into bed, leaned over for a quick kiss. He could do that now, kiss her. She had an early shift tomorrow. But Luka's hand went behind her head, holding her there for a longer, more lingering kiss. His hand moved to her neck, and slowly down to the curve of her back.
Susan was about to say "Not tonight. I have to get up early," when she sensed that something was different. There was an urgency in his touch, and the distance that was usually there had vanished, the emotional distance that had been there for far too long; and the real, physical distance, the way he'd usually tried to keep space between their bodies, touching her only with his hands and lips. Now he was trying to pull her close, trembling a little as his hand slipped under her nightshirt to stroke the bare skin of her back, her breasts.
Even as she surrendered to his touch, Susan tried to guess what he was thinking, feeling. Something had clearly changed, but if she rushed him, went too fast, tried to make him go too fast, would he panic again? Would he stop himself from feeling what he might, finally, be ready to feel? When his mouth sought out her breasts, Susan caught her breath, then, mimicking his motions of a few moments before, let her hands go to the back of his head, tangling her fingers in his hair for an instant, then more slowly down to his neck -- his back. And, for an instant, she felt him freeze. "That feels so good," she murmured, encouraging him, and he relaxed again, letting his mouth and tongue continue their explorations, and Susan's hands were free to continue their own. The muscles of his shoulders -- his back -- the ridges of his ribs -- he was so thin -- then back up to his neck, his hair. 'Take it slow, Susan,' she told herself. But ... God ... she wanted him so badly, she'd been wanting him for such a long time. And he was lying close enough to her now, his body pressed against her, that it was obvious to her that he was responding too. Would he allow it to happen, or would he panic? 'Stop analyzing everything, Susan,' she told herself. 'You need to be relaxing too, and just letting it happen.'
She gently raised his head from her breasts so she could kiss his lips again, and she let her hands caress his chest, and then downward. And, for an instant, she felt his body tense again.
"It's good," she said encouragingly, and Luka smiled back at her, but she could see the uncertainty, and she could sense the fear. "Sweetheart, this is what's supposed to happen, remember?" And he relaxed again. He laughed a little, a laugh that Susan stopped by kissing him again.
She continued to caress him, feeling him grow harder under her touch, feeling his breathing quicken -- and she knew that it was desire and excitement now, not fear or panic.
Then, abruptly, Luka took Susan's hand and moved it away from him, and rolled away from her a little. "I think ... that's enough," he said.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing ... it's good ... everything is good ... it's just ...." he shook his head. He couldn't look at her.
Susan raised up on one elbow, looked at him. "I can ... take care of you if you like. My hands work pretty well that way too, you know. But I want for us to make love. I think you are ready." A teasing smile. "In every way."
"No." Luka was serious now. "We talked about this. It's too dangerous. I'm not going to put you at risk."
"If we're careful there is virtually no risk. I'm at more risk working in the ER every day. I'm willing to chance it, Luka. And I think it's something that you need to do. Even if it's just this once, if we never do it again, I think you need to know that you can. Besides, I bought that box of condoms ages ago. It would be a pity to waste it."
Luka finally met her eyes. "Are you sure you want to? I don't want it to just be for me ... like some sort of therapy or something."
"I'm sure. I've been wanting this for a very long time. And not just for you."
"All right." Luka smiled, still a little shakily she thought, and kissed her. They kissed, touched, explored for a few more minutes, then Luka opened the bedside table drawer.
"If it would be easier on your leg, I can be on top," Susan said.
"I think I can manage, unless you prefer it."
"No, whatever you want. I'm very flexible."
"Yes, I've noticed that," Luka teased, and rolled onto her. For a moment he just lay there -- was he getting ready to make love, for the first time, to the woman he loved or bracing himself for some horrible ordeal? They needed to get on with it, Susan knew, or anxiety, if not outright panic, would make him lose his erection. She pulled his head down to hers and kissed him again, then reached down and guided him inside of her. Her own breath caught a little with the pleasure of the moment, her own sensations. But even better was seeing Luka's eyes widen a little, hearing his breath catch, as he felt the long forgotten pleasures -- seemed to remember suddenly what this was all supposed to be about.
Their love making was not, perhaps, what Susan had always imagined in her fantasies. Once they began, Luka suddenly seemed to be somewhere else, but she could tell it was somewhere good; he was caught up in the feelings, the sensations, the emotions, the pleasures that he had not felt -- had not allowed himself to be able to feel for such a long time. He didn't seem to know that she was even there anymore, seemed unable to give any thought to her pleasure. After the first moment, his eyes were tightly shut the whole time. But for Susan there was pleasure enough in watching his face, hearing the sharp little gasps as his excitement increased, his movements quickened until, rather too soon, he collapsed into her arms, and lay there trembling. After a few moments, his trembling grew more pronounced, his breathing had a catch to it again.
"Hey," Susan said gently. "You ok?"
"Yeah ..." Luka's voice was husky. "I'm great." He was crying a little. But as he raised himself up a little bit to look at her again, she saw that they were tears of happiness, of emotion, not of fear or panic.
"Well, if you're ok, you'd better get off me," Susan said lightly. "You're still pretty heavy, you know." Luka obligingly rolled off her, and wiped his eyes, and then her own. And Susan realized that she'd been crying too.
"Sorry," he said after a minute. "That probably wasn't quite what you were expecting. I'm usually not that ... quick."
"It's been a long time," Susan said.
"I can still take care of you."
"No. I'm perfectly satisfied. Besides," she added with a mischievous smile, "after the past few months, I figure I owe you at least a few orgasms before we even up the score." And she was pleased to see Luka smile again.
They lay together, easy, relaxed, not talking. Susan remembered that she had an early shift, that she should go to sleep. But she didn't want to sleep, didn't want to lose a minute of this, of what they had never had before -- lying in bed together, naked, bodies touching easily, relaxed. She didn't want to lose this. How many nights like this would they have, before she lost him forever?
Suddenly she felt Luka's body start to shake again, he made a noise in his throat. She started to sit up in alarm, then she saw that he was smiling, fighting back laughter. He couldn't hold it back any longer. God ... how long had it been since she'd heard him laugh ... really laugh? It was a beautiful sound. She didn't want it to ever stop, but she finally had to ask, "What is so funny?"
Luka just shook his head, laughing too hard to talk.
"Come on, Luka, if you're going to keep me awake, you can at least let me in on the joke."
"I was just thinking," Luka finally said, wiping his eyes. "That when Father James asked me to go to mass, he probably didn't expect that the result would be that I would end up making love with a woman who is not my wife."
"I think he'd be thrilled to know that you are happy," Susan said. She hesitated. "And you know ... we could certainly take care of that one little problem, if you want."
"What problem?"
"The 'not your wife,' problem. We could get married."
"Married? Very romantic." The humor was gone.
"Why not? We love each other. We are happy together. I'm living here." Another teasing smile. "We know now that you are capable of consummating the marriage. Why not make it all legal?"
"Because ... you would then be a widow within six months, a year if we're lucky. I've been there. It's not a role I recommend."
"Luka ... when you die, when I have to give you up, it's going to hurt. And I don't think it's going to hurt any less just because I don't have a ring on my hand."
"No, Susan. It's very romantic, but it just isn't very practical."
"It is. I mean ... I want to marry you because I happen to love you, but there are practical benefits too. I could throw away that power of attorney that's been cluttering up my wallet. As your wife, I wouldn't need it. And, insurance ... I mean ... you won't be able to work indefinitely ..."
"And when I can't work, I won't need insurance. When I can't work, I'll just be sitting at home waiting to die, and at that point, I don't think there will be much point in delaying it with a lot of expensive medical care. It will happen when it happens ... right here."
"You can't just give up. There are still things they can do for you ..." Susan blinked back tears. "I thought you were happier?"
"I am. And part of that happiness is from being ... at peace, I guess ... with what's happening. I'm going to die. It will happen soon. A year ... maybe less, maybe a little more. Right now, I still have things to live for, to keep fighting for. But when I don't anymore, I'm not going to just ... go on for the sake of being alive. I've done that before. It isn't worth it."
"I'll always be here," Susan said. "Aren't I worth living for?"
"You are part of the reason. You are the biggest reason. I love you too much to tie you to me when I know I won't have anything more to give you." He kissed her gently. "You've already given me so much; far more than I have ever given you, more than I ever could give you. But when the time comes, you're going to have to let me go. It will be time then for both of us to move on."
