Chapter 7
I Git My Own Tee Vee Stashun
Now let me tell you bout how I got myself my own tee vee stashun. It startid when I returned from EuroDisney an saw an episode of the Beverly Hillbillies on the tee vee. I was so tired from my trip that I just sat an watched all night an all next day. After Beverly Hillbillies, which is about some cowboy who gits rich an moves to Beverly Hills, they is a movie called Gandhi 2 about a bald guy who punches up people an shoots em with this big ole gun.
Now I is so rapped up in television that I missed the news. The past few days they has been yet another alien invasion. This time they was giant hamsters attackin the country. Anyhow when I was outside pretendin to be Gandhi, I accidently punched one of them hamsters an they all fled away. This time, however, they did not give me a reward, just a cruddy trofy. Well, I was almost cured from my tee vee addiction, but when I got home one day, Lisa was watchin Gilligan's Island an when I sat down to watch with her, I couldn't stop watchin. I think I like Gilligan the best cause he is a idiot like me.
Bob the Janitor called me an said we has been fired from Burger World on account of I has been watchin Gilligan all the time an he has been playin accordian concerts an we both been missin work. Now, for money, Bob is playin accordian music as a openin act at Rollin Stones concerts. Since he is openin he gits me in for free. Now this one concert in Boston is what changed my life forever. After it was over, I met up with my aunt, who happened to be at the concert too. I tole her bout my misforshin an damn if she ain't convince uncle Harvey to let me be the manijer of his tee vee stashun, channel 62.
So now, me, Bob, an a janitor named Stanley Spadowski done gone an startid our stashun. Well, we startid with some little shows like "Wheel of Fish," "Secrets of the Universe," "Uncle Nutsy's Clubhouse," an "Those Darn Homos," but the channel wasn't doin any good an Lisa done lef me on account of I forgot her birthday. I is so depressed, that one time on Nutsy's Clubhouse, I just get up an leave in the middle of the show and leave Stanley in charge.
Well, when I return, damn if Stanley ain't turned the whole stashun round. All of a suddin they is people comin in an callin to meet Stanley an we git a whole bunch more good shows an pretty soon we is the highest ratid channel in bout the whole world. Just bout the time I am makin it big they is this other channel, channel 8. An the boss is none too happy bout our success. His name is R.J. Fletcher. What he does is he offers to buy channel 62 from Uncle Harvey. Harvey agrees cause he needs money to pay off Big Louie, who is a gamblin nut. But my aunt got mad at Uncle Harvey an so she says if I can raise $75,000 in two days I can buy the stashun instead of Fletcher.
Now, I thought about gettin into the suedin bidness or the restaurant bidniss again, but finally what I do is start a telethon where we try to sell shares of the company to raise money. Meanwhile, the kidnap Stanley an I dress up as Rambo an save him. Also, Filo the scientist at my stashun, he video tapes R.J. Fletcher sayin how the community is dog snot an crap like that. He shows the tape to people an soon ain't no one watchin channel 8 no more. So when our telethon is almost over, Fletcher comes an tries to stop it. At the last minute, who should show up but Big Louie wantin his money. We is still a couple thousand short of $75,000. We is listenin to Fletcher talk an uncle Harvey is panickin when who should show up but Leutenint Dan hisself, only now he is a bum. He offers to buy $2,000 worth of shares an that's how I bought the stashun back.
Well now that Uncle Harvey's dept is paid an Filo has gone back to Zarcon an R.J. is broke an Lisa Frump done come back to me yet again, I is getting sick of the tee vee bidness. But Lisa says for me to stay, so I do.
Leutenint Dan, besides all them shares he has bought a rolex watch an a pig. He says he bought her from a guy on the street sellin pigs with a big sign that said, "Let Me Be Your Hog."
After the telethon party was over me, Dan, Wanda (that is the pig), an Lisa gone on home. Lisa drove. An let me say this, she drives like crazy! I thought I would throw up all over Wanda. I guess girls drive like that on account of all that lunch makes em sick, which is what I was about now.
When we finally crashed into a tree outside our house, I felt miserable. I hated myself so much like I was just a worthless scum suckin idiot. I felt like blowin my head off, but Dan suggested we should go bowlin instead, which is what we did. After we was finished, I went across the street to Spatula City an bought Bob the Janitor a spatula to thank him for all his help with the tee vee stashun.
The next day, after they was done tapin Stanley Spadowski's Club House, I gave the spatula to Bob along with the deed to channel 62. He was so excited he is bout to bust. He invited me an Lisa to dinner an gave us spam sandwhiches. Let me tell you, that stuff is good! I could've ate a ton of spam. I went back to Big Roy's Heating an Plumbing an ate spam there too. Ever where I went I was eatin spam. I even joined the Spam Fan Club. This went on for a while, but then I got two weeks off work for a vacation. So I decided to take another one of my free guiny pig vacations. So the next day, me, Leutenint Dan, Lisa, an Wanda (she gits to go free on account of she is a pig) set off for the Biggest Ball of Twine in Minnesota.
Now let me say this, the Twine Ball is just bout the most amazing thing I has ever seen. It is bout the size of a mountain. I asked this guy to take a picture of us an he done run away with my camera. The best thing bout the trip is I got to see ole Seymore again. When I saw him I was bout to bust, but then he starts makin trouble. When we git up close he tried to touch it. Well, I tried to pull him back, but I stumbled an accidently pulled down the ropes which was holdin it in place. The whole Twine Ball went rollin away! Everone was chasin me out of the place. They was gonna kill me for sure, so me an Dan an Lisa an Wanda an Seymore hopped on a train that was headin to Seatle, Washington. Later on the news, I heard that they had stopped the ball somewhere in North Dakota. Also, the Spam Fan Club kicked me out of the club, which is what ended that addiction. For a while we just hung out in Seatle. We just listend to tapes of Ricky Ricardo's babalu music. However, we soon startid makin music of our own.
I Git My Own Tee Vee Stashun
Now let me tell you bout how I got myself my own tee vee stashun. It startid when I returned from EuroDisney an saw an episode of the Beverly Hillbillies on the tee vee. I was so tired from my trip that I just sat an watched all night an all next day. After Beverly Hillbillies, which is about some cowboy who gits rich an moves to Beverly Hills, they is a movie called Gandhi 2 about a bald guy who punches up people an shoots em with this big ole gun.
Now I is so rapped up in television that I missed the news. The past few days they has been yet another alien invasion. This time they was giant hamsters attackin the country. Anyhow when I was outside pretendin to be Gandhi, I accidently punched one of them hamsters an they all fled away. This time, however, they did not give me a reward, just a cruddy trofy. Well, I was almost cured from my tee vee addiction, but when I got home one day, Lisa was watchin Gilligan's Island an when I sat down to watch with her, I couldn't stop watchin. I think I like Gilligan the best cause he is a idiot like me.
Bob the Janitor called me an said we has been fired from Burger World on account of I has been watchin Gilligan all the time an he has been playin accordian concerts an we both been missin work. Now, for money, Bob is playin accordian music as a openin act at Rollin Stones concerts. Since he is openin he gits me in for free. Now this one concert in Boston is what changed my life forever. After it was over, I met up with my aunt, who happened to be at the concert too. I tole her bout my misforshin an damn if she ain't convince uncle Harvey to let me be the manijer of his tee vee stashun, channel 62.
So now, me, Bob, an a janitor named Stanley Spadowski done gone an startid our stashun. Well, we startid with some little shows like "Wheel of Fish," "Secrets of the Universe," "Uncle Nutsy's Clubhouse," an "Those Darn Homos," but the channel wasn't doin any good an Lisa done lef me on account of I forgot her birthday. I is so depressed, that one time on Nutsy's Clubhouse, I just get up an leave in the middle of the show and leave Stanley in charge.
Well, when I return, damn if Stanley ain't turned the whole stashun round. All of a suddin they is people comin in an callin to meet Stanley an we git a whole bunch more good shows an pretty soon we is the highest ratid channel in bout the whole world. Just bout the time I am makin it big they is this other channel, channel 8. An the boss is none too happy bout our success. His name is R.J. Fletcher. What he does is he offers to buy channel 62 from Uncle Harvey. Harvey agrees cause he needs money to pay off Big Louie, who is a gamblin nut. But my aunt got mad at Uncle Harvey an so she says if I can raise $75,000 in two days I can buy the stashun instead of Fletcher.
Now, I thought about gettin into the suedin bidness or the restaurant bidniss again, but finally what I do is start a telethon where we try to sell shares of the company to raise money. Meanwhile, the kidnap Stanley an I dress up as Rambo an save him. Also, Filo the scientist at my stashun, he video tapes R.J. Fletcher sayin how the community is dog snot an crap like that. He shows the tape to people an soon ain't no one watchin channel 8 no more. So when our telethon is almost over, Fletcher comes an tries to stop it. At the last minute, who should show up but Big Louie wantin his money. We is still a couple thousand short of $75,000. We is listenin to Fletcher talk an uncle Harvey is panickin when who should show up but Leutenint Dan hisself, only now he is a bum. He offers to buy $2,000 worth of shares an that's how I bought the stashun back.
Well now that Uncle Harvey's dept is paid an Filo has gone back to Zarcon an R.J. is broke an Lisa Frump done come back to me yet again, I is getting sick of the tee vee bidness. But Lisa says for me to stay, so I do.
Leutenint Dan, besides all them shares he has bought a rolex watch an a pig. He says he bought her from a guy on the street sellin pigs with a big sign that said, "Let Me Be Your Hog."
After the telethon party was over me, Dan, Wanda (that is the pig), an Lisa gone on home. Lisa drove. An let me say this, she drives like crazy! I thought I would throw up all over Wanda. I guess girls drive like that on account of all that lunch makes em sick, which is what I was about now.
When we finally crashed into a tree outside our house, I felt miserable. I hated myself so much like I was just a worthless scum suckin idiot. I felt like blowin my head off, but Dan suggested we should go bowlin instead, which is what we did. After we was finished, I went across the street to Spatula City an bought Bob the Janitor a spatula to thank him for all his help with the tee vee stashun.
The next day, after they was done tapin Stanley Spadowski's Club House, I gave the spatula to Bob along with the deed to channel 62. He was so excited he is bout to bust. He invited me an Lisa to dinner an gave us spam sandwhiches. Let me tell you, that stuff is good! I could've ate a ton of spam. I went back to Big Roy's Heating an Plumbing an ate spam there too. Ever where I went I was eatin spam. I even joined the Spam Fan Club. This went on for a while, but then I got two weeks off work for a vacation. So I decided to take another one of my free guiny pig vacations. So the next day, me, Leutenint Dan, Lisa, an Wanda (she gits to go free on account of she is a pig) set off for the Biggest Ball of Twine in Minnesota.
Now let me say this, the Twine Ball is just bout the most amazing thing I has ever seen. It is bout the size of a mountain. I asked this guy to take a picture of us an he done run away with my camera. The best thing bout the trip is I got to see ole Seymore again. When I saw him I was bout to bust, but then he starts makin trouble. When we git up close he tried to touch it. Well, I tried to pull him back, but I stumbled an accidently pulled down the ropes which was holdin it in place. The whole Twine Ball went rollin away! Everone was chasin me out of the place. They was gonna kill me for sure, so me an Dan an Lisa an Wanda an Seymore hopped on a train that was headin to Seatle, Washington. Later on the news, I heard that they had stopped the ball somewhere in North Dakota. Also, the Spam Fan Club kicked me out of the club, which is what ended that addiction. For a while we just hung out in Seatle. We just listend to tapes of Ricky Ricardo's babalu music. However, we soon startid makin music of our own.
