Sydney's Point of View Disclaimer: Again, I don't own "Alias." So please don't sue me!

PART 1

Lies are the opposite of truth. Lies control my life but I suppose that is to be expected in my particular line of work. At the time of my recruitment I had no idea that every day I would be forced to lie to the people I cared about most. No one told me that breaking down and telling the truth could put those same people in danger. So much danger that they could be kidnapped, tortured, and even killed. I feel like I don't really exist anymore. Maybe I never really did. It's like the lies have invaded what was left of the old me and replaced all of the truths I had held on to.

My father has been the one constant over the last two years. Wait. It's been longer than that now. For the last four years then. He has been irreplaceable and even he did some despicable things to me. He programmed me to be a spy when I was six years old. He taught me how to assemble a gun and fire it. He taught me how to speak the languages I speak now. Children at the age of six learn faster than at any other age. I know that's when I learned all I have. That's why the original SD-6 agent training was so simple for me.

All this, done be a man who loved me. I've now come to except that relationships, I mean true relationships where one person would give up anything for the other, are just barely possible when you work for the government. Experience has taught me to be cautious. Danny and Noah were two men I loved who ended up dead because of my job. Vaughn, well there's really no need to go into that again. I was missing and he moved on with his life, that's what it amounts to. And even my father was put in jail. He was imprisoned because of things that I had done and me. I wish that I could change all of this but what's the point of wishing for something that will, and can never be.

Each alias I have, each job that I go on, adds another dimension to me. I find myself incorporating Kate Jones and Beatrice Cuneli into Sydney. I do not see it as losing pieces of myself, I see it as gaining pieces of the puzzle that will one day display the real Agent Bristow for all the world to see. I may wake up one day and hate the person that I have become. Until that day arrives things will continue on as they have and be as normal as they are now.

Sometimes I wish that there were someone to listen to me when I get this deep into my thoughts. Being solitary does not normally bother me. It does give you a sense of safety to be alone but at the same time when you are alone you are at your most exposed. What is safety anyway? It's simply a feeling. Something to be created at will. It doesn't really exist; I've seen many proofs of that.

The lies control my life. For a long time I was not allowed to be seen with a man that I cared for very deeply all because of lies and deceit. Even today Julia Thorne keeps me in a web of lies and corruption. She is my only ally and my only nemesis. She is me and I am her, yet we are not one. The clearer things get for me, the more deception I see around me. Sometimes I tell myself that my life is a hallucination, that absolutely none of it is real. Sometimes I really want to believe that. Today is one of those days.

PART 2

I don't know what gave me the idea that he would be in Ireland but somehow I just knew. I had someone find out, through back channels of course, where his residence was. The desire to know what he knows was overwhelming me. He's just a man. Sometimes people forget that. Aside from being an enemy of the United States he killed Francie. He is a major part of the deceit that plagues my life. I feel the need to purge myself of all of it. And so I need to know.

I don't remember stopping the car or getting out of it. All I know is that if he is here like I know he is and then maybe I'll find some peace. Maybe, just maybe, he'll have an answer for me. I know exactly where I'm going, I don't even have to think about what I'm doing as I walk over purposefully to the cliff. This place calls to my blood for some strange reason. I can feel the air singing through my body. Maybe this is what I needed. Maybe this is what I have been waiting for since I returned.

I see him. He's standing by himself completely engulfed in a world of his own imagining and for just a second I wonder what he is thinking about. This man that no one know, that no one seems to understand, and I wonder what is going through his mind. I'm almost sad to interrupt his thoughts. Almost.

"Just because you're not on American soil doesn't mean I can't kill you." The words are through my lips before I can even think about them. My own eyes widen in shock as I realize the ramifications of what I have just said. He turns around slowly. I don't think that he was expecting me to find him here. Damn him and those blue eyes.

"If you were going to kill me Agent Bristow you would have pulled your gun out and we would not be having this conversation." And the smirk. I hate that smirk. He has a point. Still I have the upper hand. I still have him surprised. I take this opportunity to look him over carefully. His skin is not as pasty as it was in Mexico. I don't know why but I'm glad for that. Other then the drastic change in hair length he looks the same as he did two years ago. Maybe there are a few lines here and there, but I think that those are many from lack of sleep. I almost sympathize with that. It's hard to sleep when you know that people are always watching you.

"What do you know about Allison?" I know that he knows something. He must know something. If I find Allison maybe I can find the people who took those two years from me. Maybe I can get back everything that was brutally stolen from me. I could lead a normal life again. A life without the C.I.A. or the N.S.C. looking over my shoulder just waiting for the next assassination.

"Ah. Has Ms. Doren been getting herself into a little bit of trouble with the C.I.A.?" He looks amused that I would bring her up. Honestly, I didn't expect him to be honest. I expected him to deny any knowledge of anyone named Allison Doren. I think I may have underestimated my opponent. I hesitate. I know that he sees this as the smirk becomes and even larger malicious grin.

"Where is she?" Before I even realize I'm doing it, I tuck my hair behind my ear. Now he knows that I need information from him he has the upper hand.

"Perhaps you should ask Arvin Sloane that question." Damn it. He's being evasive. I hate that. What could Arvin Sloane possibly have to tell me that I would want to hear.

"You listen" you son of a bitch. My voice raises and I pull out my gun knowing there is already a bullet in the chamber just waiting for me to pull the trigger. "I killed your father, I have no problem killing you as well." While I know that this is not entirely true, there is enough fact in it that he should believe it. Besides my gun is pointed at his chest and I seriously doubt that he has a Kevlar vest on underneath his clothes this time. "Where is Allison Doren?"

"I honestly don't know Agent Bristow." I don't know if I should believe him or not. For some reason his nonchalance leads me to put enough truth in what he's told me. "If there's nothing else," he says. Oh, now that's just arrogant. I have received the royal dismissal, and I'm the one with the gun. How does that work?

PART 3

Hours later and I still don't understand why I let him go. He killed my best friend; tortured another one, and I still let him walk out with his life. What's wrong with me? I should have just pulled the trigger. All it would have been was a reflexive action. A clench of some muscles and a known terrorist would have been off the C.I.A.'s most wanted list forever.

Who am I kidding? I'm not that person. I am not a cold-blooded killer or an assassin who takes some kind of perverse pleasure in what I do. Julia might have been, but I don't know anything about Julia. Come to think of it Julia Thorne and Mr. Sark would have made a good team at least according to what limited knowledge I have of her. Both of them had a distinct disregard for any kind of emotion. Julia was able to stand in front of a man that she was acquainted with and calmly slit his throat. No feeling involve what so ever. In fact it was a scene very similar to one that I'd seen earlier in my life, where a certain man walked right out of "Tyno Chem Engineering" and mercilessly shot a man.

For some reason I thought that if Sark could tell me where Allison was I could find out what happened to me. I figured that maybe one of them would have some idea of what I'd done. Now I'm back to where I started from - nowhere.

I figured maybe if I saw him I'd be able to bring out his good side. Maybe I did. Maybe what I saw today was all the good that was left in Sark. He was incarcerated for two years, which can do a lot of strange things to a person.

This is all assuming that he was telling me the truth earlier. I'm not naïve enough to believe that every person feels remorse for the things that they have done but I believe that most people do. Everyone has feelings. Some people may be able to turn them on and off at will but I am not one of those lucky few. I can't help it if seeing someone die tears me up inside. It would be the same for any balanced person. I'm sure that even when Sark is alone he feels something for the people he's killed or the families they've left behind them.

I wonder if he realized that I was serious about killing him. I wonder if he knew that I was tempted to become him, the assassin. I wonder if he would have acted differently if he had believed me. Maybe, maybe not. I guess now I'll never know. Maybe if he believed my threat he would have given me the information that I needed.

Just gives me something to think about for the next time we meet. And I remain confident that we will meet again. I found him once; I know that I can do it again. I'm not as innocent and ignorant as I seem. I know how to improvise, and that will be how I reacquire the element of surprise. Next time I will win.