Chapter 9
Jurassic Park an the Wafflin Bidness
I ran into Lisa an tole her bout how I dint really mean what I said bout not lovin her, an she came back to me again. Everthin is goin swell for a while. One time we went to this food festival where we had all my old favorites like spam an balogna an Rocky Road ice cream an ham on whole wheat an rye an keiser an tatters an tacos an Oreo cookies an lasagna. But you know what I learned at that festival? That stuff bout girls eatin lunch is a bunch of bull cause I ain't seen one girl eatin lunch there, except Lisa.
Now when I got home I guess it is time for another trial theme park, cause they is this bearded man named Hammond who is askin us to come to his new park an so we say yes. So there we is at this park. Me, Lisa, Leutenint Dan, Seymore, an some guy named Ian Malcom.
When Hammond is splainin the park to us he says that they is breedin dinosaurs from moskitos. Well, Ian Malcom he is arguin with Hammond on how they is gonna make sure the dinosaurs don't escape the island and start eatin people. Ian Malcom says that if they have baby dinosaurs they can escape on account of the offspring ain't got some kind of poisen or somethin that kills them. But Hammondsays they can't breed cause they is all girls. Then Ian Malcom says that nature will find a way. I think that Ian Malcom is right. It's like Mama always said, "Life is like a box of chocolates, random an unpredictable." I tole this to Ian Malcom an he later calls it the Chaos theory an makes hisself famous.
Anyhow, we is goin through the tour, but we ain't seen no dinosaurs. Then we come to the T-Rex pen. Somethin is comin out of the groun an Hammond says that they is feedin the T-Rex. When I look close, I see that it is good ole Wanda herself coming out the ground! Then I hear the T-Rex comin an I jump out of the car to save Wanda. I know the fence is lectrified so I ask the fat guy from Seinfeld to turn it off. After he does this, I leap over the fence lickety split, so to speak. I git Wanda out of there, but by that time the T-Rex an all the other dinosaurs escaped from the fences an is attackin us. One spit some tar or something into the face of the fat guy from Seinfeld. The T-Rex done goppled up Seymore in one bite. Pore ole Seymore. We all startid runnin, except Leutenint Dan on account of he ain't got no legs. Two velociraptors came an chewed off Leutenint Dan's arms an so now he is just a big ole stump with a head. I am panickin an so I do the only thing I can think of. I climb up into the tree an start doin my George of the Jungle impression that I learned from Yoda. After I hit the T-Rex in the head a few times they all start runnin away. So now when we leave the island, they is all congradulatin me an my name is all over the papers like when I stopped them alien invaders.
They is sayin I is real brave an how I is a wild man. An soon it all goes to my head an I start actin like a real nut! I was drinkin milk out of the milk carton, steelin shoppin carts, not rewindin my video tapes an other crap like that. I am livin life on the wild side, so to speak.
Well, Lisa says that this sort of livin is destructive and dangerous an that I should try a new lifestyle, an I think she is right so what I am thinkin is that it would be fun to be like the Flintstones. So that's what I did. I went out an bought a Fred Flintstone costume, painted Wanda purple, an even built myself a Flintstone car. Soon, I is famous again. Everbody in the city came by to see me an take pictures of me an my house. They all thought I was nuts which I guess was true. I was always the center of attention when I dressed like that. Lisa thinks I is getting a big head on account of all the attention. But I dint care. Until one day when my neighbor, Frank, got hisself a new tee vee set.
It was 2,000 inches an pretty soon everone wants to be like Frank an hang around him an they has forgotten all about me. Eventually, I just give up the whole routine an git really jealous of Frank, especially when Lisa leaves me for him. I was really mad. But I would eventually git my revenge on Frank too, just like Melanie an Amy.
In the meantime, I has become so bitter that I decide to stop watchin tee vee for good. So now I just listen to the radio, which I learned was a lot better than tee vee. Then they played a new song called "Achy Breaky Heart." It is a pretty good song is what I am thinking, but then they go an play it some more an some more an some more an soon all I hear is the Achy Breaky song all over the radio. They is playin it so much that I think I is goin nuts. Once I even called the D.J. an say that if he plays it again I will blow up my radio. Well, he plays it again an sure enough, I blow up my radio.
So now that I ain't got no radio I must return to my tee vee. When I turn it on they is Montel Williams askin for people to be on his show. He says he wants the people with the strangest lives. So I call an sure enough he says to come on down to the studio. However, it took me bout twelve million hours to get there on account of the huge traffic jam I has got stuck in.
Well anyhow, I took Leutenint Dan an Wanda with me. First there was these people who sold their kids for cheese an then there was this lesbian Nazi hooker who was abducted by a U.F.O. an forced into weight loss programs. Then there was me. I tole Montel bout my life an at the end of the show he gives me the award for weirdest guest he has ever had.
After the show, I am in the green room (which doesn't make sense cause it ain't even green) an I meet one of the other guests, Meagan. We startid to date for a while. One night when I got home I opened the fridge to get somethin for her an me to eat and you know what I found? A great big sack of green, mushy, hairy crap. I suppose it was Leutenint Dan who left it there on account of he is always savin stuff. Plus he has a hard time cleanin now what with no arms or legs.
Anyhow, bout Susan, she was real swell, til the day that I introduced her to Dan. At first he is kinda lookin at her funny. Then he pulls me over to the side an says, "Ya know, Forrest. She's a mime." Well, I tell you, I was mad. I had wondered why she acted so strange, but I never thought she was a mime. Why she dint just tell me I do not know. Well, now I broke it off right there an got my revenge on her later, along with the others.
Well, me an Dan were takin my pet Harvey the Wonder Hamster for a walk when who should we run into but Forrest 2 hisself! He explains how the pasta bidness had gone bust. Well, we is all wonderin what we is gonna do with our lives an Dan says, "I'm hungry for waffles." An that's when I knew what I was gonna do. We startid a waffle restaurant called "Waffle King." It is a big success.
We make the best darn waffles the world has ever seen an soon we is expandin all over the world. The wafflin bidness is gettin so big that I has to hire a lot of new people to help me run it. I hire the Prince an Princess of England, the hyjacker I met on the plane, Big Roy from the plumbin bidness, Art Fleming an Don Pardo from the Jeopardy show, the Polka band that used to play on 45th Street, Mr. Popeil, Diamond Jim, all them slime creatures from outer space along with them radioactive hamsters, Ed McMahon an Johnny Carson from the Tonight Show, Dr. Jackson from the nut house, Billy the Bird, Leo the Cat, the hunters, Peter, Wendy Carlos, Shirley Macclaine (who used to be Bruce the Duck), the Rolling Stones, my aunt an uncle, Big Louie, R.J. Fletcher, Filo from Zarcon, Stanley Spadowski, an Janitor Bob, whose tee vee stashun has gone bust. Also, I hired Bob Saget from the funniest videos show (who is still a little upset on account of how I messed up his other show), Ian Malcom an John Hammond from Jurassic Park, the D.J. who played the Achy Breaky song, Montel Williams, Lisa Frump, Wanda, an good ole Leutenint Dan.
After I hired all these people, we had a party where the Polka band played some bohemian polka music.
Jurassic Park an the Wafflin Bidness
I ran into Lisa an tole her bout how I dint really mean what I said bout not lovin her, an she came back to me again. Everthin is goin swell for a while. One time we went to this food festival where we had all my old favorites like spam an balogna an Rocky Road ice cream an ham on whole wheat an rye an keiser an tatters an tacos an Oreo cookies an lasagna. But you know what I learned at that festival? That stuff bout girls eatin lunch is a bunch of bull cause I ain't seen one girl eatin lunch there, except Lisa.
Now when I got home I guess it is time for another trial theme park, cause they is this bearded man named Hammond who is askin us to come to his new park an so we say yes. So there we is at this park. Me, Lisa, Leutenint Dan, Seymore, an some guy named Ian Malcom.
When Hammond is splainin the park to us he says that they is breedin dinosaurs from moskitos. Well, Ian Malcom he is arguin with Hammond on how they is gonna make sure the dinosaurs don't escape the island and start eatin people. Ian Malcom says that if they have baby dinosaurs they can escape on account of the offspring ain't got some kind of poisen or somethin that kills them. But Hammondsays they can't breed cause they is all girls. Then Ian Malcom says that nature will find a way. I think that Ian Malcom is right. It's like Mama always said, "Life is like a box of chocolates, random an unpredictable." I tole this to Ian Malcom an he later calls it the Chaos theory an makes hisself famous.
Anyhow, we is goin through the tour, but we ain't seen no dinosaurs. Then we come to the T-Rex pen. Somethin is comin out of the groun an Hammond says that they is feedin the T-Rex. When I look close, I see that it is good ole Wanda herself coming out the ground! Then I hear the T-Rex comin an I jump out of the car to save Wanda. I know the fence is lectrified so I ask the fat guy from Seinfeld to turn it off. After he does this, I leap over the fence lickety split, so to speak. I git Wanda out of there, but by that time the T-Rex an all the other dinosaurs escaped from the fences an is attackin us. One spit some tar or something into the face of the fat guy from Seinfeld. The T-Rex done goppled up Seymore in one bite. Pore ole Seymore. We all startid runnin, except Leutenint Dan on account of he ain't got no legs. Two velociraptors came an chewed off Leutenint Dan's arms an so now he is just a big ole stump with a head. I am panickin an so I do the only thing I can think of. I climb up into the tree an start doin my George of the Jungle impression that I learned from Yoda. After I hit the T-Rex in the head a few times they all start runnin away. So now when we leave the island, they is all congradulatin me an my name is all over the papers like when I stopped them alien invaders.
They is sayin I is real brave an how I is a wild man. An soon it all goes to my head an I start actin like a real nut! I was drinkin milk out of the milk carton, steelin shoppin carts, not rewindin my video tapes an other crap like that. I am livin life on the wild side, so to speak.
Well, Lisa says that this sort of livin is destructive and dangerous an that I should try a new lifestyle, an I think she is right so what I am thinkin is that it would be fun to be like the Flintstones. So that's what I did. I went out an bought a Fred Flintstone costume, painted Wanda purple, an even built myself a Flintstone car. Soon, I is famous again. Everbody in the city came by to see me an take pictures of me an my house. They all thought I was nuts which I guess was true. I was always the center of attention when I dressed like that. Lisa thinks I is getting a big head on account of all the attention. But I dint care. Until one day when my neighbor, Frank, got hisself a new tee vee set.
It was 2,000 inches an pretty soon everone wants to be like Frank an hang around him an they has forgotten all about me. Eventually, I just give up the whole routine an git really jealous of Frank, especially when Lisa leaves me for him. I was really mad. But I would eventually git my revenge on Frank too, just like Melanie an Amy.
In the meantime, I has become so bitter that I decide to stop watchin tee vee for good. So now I just listen to the radio, which I learned was a lot better than tee vee. Then they played a new song called "Achy Breaky Heart." It is a pretty good song is what I am thinking, but then they go an play it some more an some more an some more an soon all I hear is the Achy Breaky song all over the radio. They is playin it so much that I think I is goin nuts. Once I even called the D.J. an say that if he plays it again I will blow up my radio. Well, he plays it again an sure enough, I blow up my radio.
So now that I ain't got no radio I must return to my tee vee. When I turn it on they is Montel Williams askin for people to be on his show. He says he wants the people with the strangest lives. So I call an sure enough he says to come on down to the studio. However, it took me bout twelve million hours to get there on account of the huge traffic jam I has got stuck in.
Well anyhow, I took Leutenint Dan an Wanda with me. First there was these people who sold their kids for cheese an then there was this lesbian Nazi hooker who was abducted by a U.F.O. an forced into weight loss programs. Then there was me. I tole Montel bout my life an at the end of the show he gives me the award for weirdest guest he has ever had.
After the show, I am in the green room (which doesn't make sense cause it ain't even green) an I meet one of the other guests, Meagan. We startid to date for a while. One night when I got home I opened the fridge to get somethin for her an me to eat and you know what I found? A great big sack of green, mushy, hairy crap. I suppose it was Leutenint Dan who left it there on account of he is always savin stuff. Plus he has a hard time cleanin now what with no arms or legs.
Anyhow, bout Susan, she was real swell, til the day that I introduced her to Dan. At first he is kinda lookin at her funny. Then he pulls me over to the side an says, "Ya know, Forrest. She's a mime." Well, I tell you, I was mad. I had wondered why she acted so strange, but I never thought she was a mime. Why she dint just tell me I do not know. Well, now I broke it off right there an got my revenge on her later, along with the others.
Well, me an Dan were takin my pet Harvey the Wonder Hamster for a walk when who should we run into but Forrest 2 hisself! He explains how the pasta bidness had gone bust. Well, we is all wonderin what we is gonna do with our lives an Dan says, "I'm hungry for waffles." An that's when I knew what I was gonna do. We startid a waffle restaurant called "Waffle King." It is a big success.
We make the best darn waffles the world has ever seen an soon we is expandin all over the world. The wafflin bidness is gettin so big that I has to hire a lot of new people to help me run it. I hire the Prince an Princess of England, the hyjacker I met on the plane, Big Roy from the plumbin bidness, Art Fleming an Don Pardo from the Jeopardy show, the Polka band that used to play on 45th Street, Mr. Popeil, Diamond Jim, all them slime creatures from outer space along with them radioactive hamsters, Ed McMahon an Johnny Carson from the Tonight Show, Dr. Jackson from the nut house, Billy the Bird, Leo the Cat, the hunters, Peter, Wendy Carlos, Shirley Macclaine (who used to be Bruce the Duck), the Rolling Stones, my aunt an uncle, Big Louie, R.J. Fletcher, Filo from Zarcon, Stanley Spadowski, an Janitor Bob, whose tee vee stashun has gone bust. Also, I hired Bob Saget from the funniest videos show (who is still a little upset on account of how I messed up his other show), Ian Malcom an John Hammond from Jurassic Park, the D.J. who played the Achy Breaky song, Montel Williams, Lisa Frump, Wanda, an good ole Leutenint Dan.
After I hired all these people, we had a party where the Polka band played some bohemian polka music.
