Chapter 11
Larry, Santa, an the Amish
Well, since I been watchin so much tee vee, I start gettin real sick of it. In fact, I is gettin of sick of teknoligee in general that I just one day decided that I'd leave Leutenint Dan an Forrest 2 in charge of the wafflin bidness an I'd move to Lancaster, Pennsylvania an become an Amish.
Now, let me say this:Bein Amish is no box of chocolates. It is a real hard thing to do. They is all the time makin us pray with these little bibles like we had when me an Mama used to go to church. An when you isn't prayin you is milkin cows or plowin fields or feedin animals or buildin barns or sellin quilts. Also, we is always wearin black coats with no buttons an hats an long beards an the tourist is always laughin at us, but we is not supposed to punch em in the nose. Now, even my new friend, Ezikeil, tells me that I've gone nuts from all the milkin an plowin, which I think is true on account of I start havin these crazy dreams like I did when I was in the Nut House with Dr. Jackson, except they is no Vanna White this time. Now, I am dreamin bout the Tucky Fried Chicken guy an mailin letters to Forrest 2 an bein abducted by aliens an all kinds of other crazy stuff. Also, I git this letter from Forrest 2 saying that the Wafflin bidness has done bust! So, I finally decided to quit the whole Amish bull an go back home.
The first thing I did, after gettin my old job at Big Roy's Heating an Plumbing back, was to go to the dentist cause they ain't got too great of dentists in Lancaster an my teeth have gotten kinda cruddy. It turned out I had twelve cavities an had to git drilt up good. An boy did it hurt! It was so painful I couldn't hardly hear the Muzak. However, I could hear it once while they wasn't drillin an damn if they ain't playin that stupid Achy Breaky song again, which made the whole thing even more painful. It is still hurtin in the mornin so I has to call in sick an stay home all day.
So since I had all this free time, what I did was listened to a bunch of my Alternative CD's like Alanis Morresette, an R.E.M. an Green Day an Soundgarden an Stone Temple Pilots. However, I could not seem to find my Weezer CD, which I guess is okay on account of they kinda stink anyway. Also, I git to thinking bout Lisa Frump again. I really missed her. So I called her up an tole her how miserable I has been since she's been gone. An would you believe it? She done come back to me again.
When Lisa come back to me she brought me a present. It is a CD by "Weird Al" Yankovic. What he does is he take cruddy songs which ain't make no sense an makes em so they make sense. Anyhow, they is this song on there which is called "Gump" an is all about me! I guess "Weird Al" must've heard bout me in the newspapers or somethin. It is a pretty good song. Although why he would want to write a song bout a idiot, I do not know. Anyhow, the song is kinda sad on account of he talks bout Bubba an Mama an Jenny. That got me thinkin bout Jenny again. It's been so long since she died an I really miss her a lot. There wasn't anybody ever like Jenny Curran. Well thinkin bout Jenny made me start comparing Jenny to Lisa an I suddenly realized how crummy Lisa is compared to Jenny.
Well, one day I tole Lisa how sick I am of her an well, she just left me again. An I think she took some of my Alternative CDs on account of I can't find my Pearl Jam CD now. Now, since I is alone again I find myself watchin a whole lot of tee vee again. That is all I do is work at Big Roy's an watch tee vee. I mostly like the syndicated shows like Regis and Kathy Lee an Wheel of Fortune an Hard Copy.
Now one day when I is watchin Regis an Kathy Lee, my tee vee just blowed up. I dint know what to do. I couldn't figure out how my tee vee just blowed up like that, but then I find out that it was blowed up by my new neighbor, Larry. Now Larry was a swell guy I suppose, but he is all the time playin tricks on me. I guess it is on account of I am a idiot an don't git most of his jokes anyhow. He one day pulled my pants off an posted pictures of me all over town with no pants. Another time, he made these brownies, which made me have to take a dump all the time. But his favorite trick was makin prank phone calls on me. He is all the time callin an askin for Prince Albert or Mike Rotch an if my fridge is runnin, however I am always scart to check about my fridge on account of I think that green stuff of Dan's is still in there. I've been kinda scart of food ever since I seen that stuff that was livin in the fridge, which is why you ain't heard me talk much bout food no more. Anyhow, I git kinda sick of the phony calls an so what I do is give him some phony phone number an tell him it is my new phone number.
Just bout that time, it was bout time for us to take another one of them free trips. This time, me, Dan, Forrest 2, an Wanda is goin to the North Pole to meet good ole St. Nick hisself. Little was I to know that the number I made up for Larry is really the number for Santa Claus hisself. Well, I guess Larry must've made a whole lot of phony calls on Santa on account of when we git there, St. Nick has gone nuts! He decided to kill all his elves an reindeer an everone else. Even good ole Wanda got shot in the buttox again. Well, he's flyin in his sled blowin everone up an so what I do is I go out an start swingin from the trees doin my George of the Jungle impression an I kick Santa in the head an he dies.
Well, now I make even more money than I ever has an since they decided that I saved the world again, they'd give me Santa's workshop. Plus, Bob Saget decided to show the video of Santa shootin Wanda in the buttox on his funniest videos show an we win the grand prize! Now me an Dan an Forrest 2 an good ole Wanda is livin up in the North Pole. Well, once again I have got a lot of time to think bout Yoda an Mr. Frump an Seymore an Bubba an Mama an Jenny Curran an Lisa Frump. I am wishin that I hadn't tole Lisa what I did. I am also hopin that she would come back to me. But before too long, a new saga would begin.
Larry, Santa, an the Amish
Well, since I been watchin so much tee vee, I start gettin real sick of it. In fact, I is gettin of sick of teknoligee in general that I just one day decided that I'd leave Leutenint Dan an Forrest 2 in charge of the wafflin bidness an I'd move to Lancaster, Pennsylvania an become an Amish.
Now, let me say this:Bein Amish is no box of chocolates. It is a real hard thing to do. They is all the time makin us pray with these little bibles like we had when me an Mama used to go to church. An when you isn't prayin you is milkin cows or plowin fields or feedin animals or buildin barns or sellin quilts. Also, we is always wearin black coats with no buttons an hats an long beards an the tourist is always laughin at us, but we is not supposed to punch em in the nose. Now, even my new friend, Ezikeil, tells me that I've gone nuts from all the milkin an plowin, which I think is true on account of I start havin these crazy dreams like I did when I was in the Nut House with Dr. Jackson, except they is no Vanna White this time. Now, I am dreamin bout the Tucky Fried Chicken guy an mailin letters to Forrest 2 an bein abducted by aliens an all kinds of other crazy stuff. Also, I git this letter from Forrest 2 saying that the Wafflin bidness has done bust! So, I finally decided to quit the whole Amish bull an go back home.
The first thing I did, after gettin my old job at Big Roy's Heating an Plumbing back, was to go to the dentist cause they ain't got too great of dentists in Lancaster an my teeth have gotten kinda cruddy. It turned out I had twelve cavities an had to git drilt up good. An boy did it hurt! It was so painful I couldn't hardly hear the Muzak. However, I could hear it once while they wasn't drillin an damn if they ain't playin that stupid Achy Breaky song again, which made the whole thing even more painful. It is still hurtin in the mornin so I has to call in sick an stay home all day.
So since I had all this free time, what I did was listened to a bunch of my Alternative CD's like Alanis Morresette, an R.E.M. an Green Day an Soundgarden an Stone Temple Pilots. However, I could not seem to find my Weezer CD, which I guess is okay on account of they kinda stink anyway. Also, I git to thinking bout Lisa Frump again. I really missed her. So I called her up an tole her how miserable I has been since she's been gone. An would you believe it? She done come back to me again.
When Lisa come back to me she brought me a present. It is a CD by "Weird Al" Yankovic. What he does is he take cruddy songs which ain't make no sense an makes em so they make sense. Anyhow, they is this song on there which is called "Gump" an is all about me! I guess "Weird Al" must've heard bout me in the newspapers or somethin. It is a pretty good song. Although why he would want to write a song bout a idiot, I do not know. Anyhow, the song is kinda sad on account of he talks bout Bubba an Mama an Jenny. That got me thinkin bout Jenny again. It's been so long since she died an I really miss her a lot. There wasn't anybody ever like Jenny Curran. Well thinkin bout Jenny made me start comparing Jenny to Lisa an I suddenly realized how crummy Lisa is compared to Jenny.
Well, one day I tole Lisa how sick I am of her an well, she just left me again. An I think she took some of my Alternative CDs on account of I can't find my Pearl Jam CD now. Now, since I is alone again I find myself watchin a whole lot of tee vee again. That is all I do is work at Big Roy's an watch tee vee. I mostly like the syndicated shows like Regis and Kathy Lee an Wheel of Fortune an Hard Copy.
Now one day when I is watchin Regis an Kathy Lee, my tee vee just blowed up. I dint know what to do. I couldn't figure out how my tee vee just blowed up like that, but then I find out that it was blowed up by my new neighbor, Larry. Now Larry was a swell guy I suppose, but he is all the time playin tricks on me. I guess it is on account of I am a idiot an don't git most of his jokes anyhow. He one day pulled my pants off an posted pictures of me all over town with no pants. Another time, he made these brownies, which made me have to take a dump all the time. But his favorite trick was makin prank phone calls on me. He is all the time callin an askin for Prince Albert or Mike Rotch an if my fridge is runnin, however I am always scart to check about my fridge on account of I think that green stuff of Dan's is still in there. I've been kinda scart of food ever since I seen that stuff that was livin in the fridge, which is why you ain't heard me talk much bout food no more. Anyhow, I git kinda sick of the phony calls an so what I do is give him some phony phone number an tell him it is my new phone number.
Just bout that time, it was bout time for us to take another one of them free trips. This time, me, Dan, Forrest 2, an Wanda is goin to the North Pole to meet good ole St. Nick hisself. Little was I to know that the number I made up for Larry is really the number for Santa Claus hisself. Well, I guess Larry must've made a whole lot of phony calls on Santa on account of when we git there, St. Nick has gone nuts! He decided to kill all his elves an reindeer an everone else. Even good ole Wanda got shot in the buttox again. Well, he's flyin in his sled blowin everone up an so what I do is I go out an start swingin from the trees doin my George of the Jungle impression an I kick Santa in the head an he dies.
Well, now I make even more money than I ever has an since they decided that I saved the world again, they'd give me Santa's workshop. Plus, Bob Saget decided to show the video of Santa shootin Wanda in the buttox on his funniest videos show an we win the grand prize! Now me an Dan an Forrest 2 an good ole Wanda is livin up in the North Pole. Well, once again I have got a lot of time to think bout Yoda an Mr. Frump an Seymore an Bubba an Mama an Jenny Curran an Lisa Frump. I am wishin that I hadn't tole Lisa what I did. I am also hopin that she would come back to me. But before too long, a new saga would begin.
