Chapter 12

(Not So) Good Advice

I tell you. Waitin aroun has got to be the borinest thing on the planet. That's just what I did for three whole years. Just waitin for somethin new to happen. Eventually it just got real boring sittin up in the North Pole. The Elves would be makin toys an once a year I'd git to deliver em, but the rest of the year I am just sittin roun doin nothin. Well, I got tired of the whole toy bidness an decided to find a new job. I left Forrest 2 an Leutenint Dan in charge of the toy shop. I had a hard time tryin to find a new job until I was at this movie bout James Bond, except in this movie James Bond was a old man with white, silvery hair. Well, this gave me the idea that I should become a spy! I figured I got lots of trainin from being in Vietnam an from savin the planet all them times, so I just went an made myself a private investigator.

My first job as a dick (which is what I am called when I is spyin and such) was workin for this guy who was one of them Star Wars geeks you see dressed as Chewbacca standin outside the theater whenever a new Star Wars movie come out. He was excited cause they was a new Star Wars movie comin out soon, which I thought was weird cause all them actors is so old now. Anyhow, he hired me to spy on the filming of the movie so he could know what's happenin before he sees the movie. So I take the job an go to spy on Star Wars.

Now, let me tell you, that movie looks like a bunch of crap. All I saw when I was there was people walkin aroun an everthing around them is blue. The lightsabers they is usin to fight are just some stupid sticks. Worst of all, they got this little tiny kid playin Darth Vader. Now, I seen Star Wars an Darth Vader is one scary sombitch, but in this movie he is just some little kid. Who would be scart of Darth Vader if they knew he was just a little kid? Well it was just bout that time when the security guards started chasin me aroun and tryin to kick me out of the movie set.

The security guards was chasin me an I had to escape, so I hid in the wardrobe department. Once the guards was gone, I noticed that they was a bunch of women puttin on costumes for the movie. An would you believe it? One of them extras was none other than Lisa Frump herself. Well, I tole Lisa that the guards was chasin me so she helped me escape by givin me this stupid lookin alien costume to wear. I snuck back onto the set wearin my alien costume an that's when I saw George Lucas hisself. He came over to me an looked at me all roun. Finally, he startid smiling an asked if I wanted to be in his movie. I tole him I is not much of a actor an he says that the character I am playin is real easy to play cause he is just a idiot. Well, I say that should be easy for me on account of I am a idiot too! So that's how I got the part of Jar Jar Binks in Star Wars.

Well, after the shootin was over, Lisa was so proud of me that she done came back to me again an we went home. I soon found out that it was her that took my Pearl Jam CD afterall, cause now she is all the time playing Pearl Jam CDs an goin to Pearl Jam concerts. She even has a Eddie Vedder poster on her bedroom wall. She is all the time talkin bout Eddie Vedder an how he's so great, an I am feelin like I am nothin but a little weiner to her. Well, I don't want to lose Lisa again, so I decided I needed to get some help with dealin with her.

So first I went to talk to my Rabbi (I switched to bein Jewish after all that bidness with the Amish an Santa Claus). The first thing Rabbi Schwartz did when I went into hi office was he gave me a big ole hunk of cake. Then he put this little beanie on an asked me what the problem was. Well, I tole him all bout the trouble I have had with Lisa an Melanie an Amy an Meagan the Mime, but mostly bout how Lisa is in love with the Pearl Jam guy. He says I should try to do somethin out of the ordinary an spontaneous to impress her. An so I tole him all bout my life an he agrees that I am already very out of the ordinary. So then he says that maybe I should ask her to marry me. Well, this got me real scart. The last time I got married, Melanie stole all my money. But I got married to her anyhow because Rabbi Schwartz said so. But it still didn't matter on account of she was still obsessed with Eddie Vedder.

So, I decided to try to git some other advice. I did the one thing I always do when I am in a pickle an I need to git my mind off of all the crap: watch tee vee! So I went home an turned on the tee vee an you won't believe what I saw. They is that "Weird Al" Yankovic guy, the one that wrote the song bout me, an he is hostin his own tee vee show. All the time on his show he is tryin to teach a new moral an so I think that maybe they is somethin on one of those shows that could help me. They is shows bout how to deal with bullies, how you should keep promises, an how should always try to do your best, but they is nothin bout what to do when your girlfriend is in love with someone else. So I switch the stashun, and that's when I find it.

It is a whole show bout people whose girlfriends is in love with somebody else! It is called The Jerry Springer Show. At the end of the show they is a phone number for people who want to come on the show to solve their problems, an sure enough I call an get me an Lisa on the show.

Well, first I go on the stage an tell Jerry an the audience bout how Lisa is in love with Eddie Vedder. Then, Lisa comes out an everbody starts booin her an callin her names that I don't want to say. She tells me that she is not in love with me no more an that she loves Eddie Vedder instead. She says she is going to divorce me an take all my money in alimony just like Melanie. Then, Eddie Vedder hisself comes out an starts kissin Lisa. Well, that gits me real mad an I start beatin him up real good. The rest of the show, we is just sittin there while other idiots come out an start fightin each other too. Now, these people are real gross, if you ask me. An when they is sittin next to me I am gettin scart that I'm gonna catch some disease.

After I go home, I am all the time worried that I am gonna git sick on account of catchin germs from all them people at the Jerry Springer show. Also, since I am so mad bout Lisa an Eddie Vedder, I throw out all my Alternative CDs an go back to listenin to polka music. It really helped me git over Lisa, listenin to that music. I guess that's just what they call the power of polka. Anyhow, after all that advice I got from Rabbi Schwartz an "Weird Al" an Jerry Springer, nothing seemed to get better, an I startid thinkin bout Jenny Curran again. They was one kind of advice that Jenny always believed in an that was from the horoscope newspaper. So, I decided to read my horoscope. It said some crap that don't make no sense an could be said bout anybody, but then it said that I should make some changes in my life. An so that's what I did.

Since I had no more money, I decided to git a job in a computer company. I was in charge of deliverin Pentium Processors all over the country. It was a real easy job an I got to see all the new computers when they came out, which was bout ever day! The only bad part bout the job is that, since Lisa took all my money in Alimony I ain't got nothin left, not even my own shoes, so I have to wear that ugly pair of Lisa's old shoes that she left at my apartment. Now, let me tell you, drivin aroun in high heels is bout the hardest thing I ever done. I don't know how people can wear them things. It's like walkin aroun on toothpicks.

Well, I liked my new job an I am gettin to drive all over the place. But sittin in the truck all day an eatin doughnuts all the time ain't no good for you an soon I am gittin as fat as I was when I was in the nut house. My doctor put me on this stupid diet where all I can eat is grapefruits. So here I am drivin aroun all day wearin high heels an with a truck full of computers an grapefruits an soon I just decide that I've had enough of it all an I just keep drivin an drivin an drivin. Not goin anywhere in particular.

I must've drove all day ever day for bout a year, livin off grapefruits. Eventually, people startid followin me like they did when I was runnin all the time. They was a whole bunch of cars an motorcycles an buses an trucks followin me all over. Finally, for no particular reason, I just stop. It turns out I stopped in a little town called Albuquerque, New Mexico. But they really isn't much to tell you bout that.