Chapter 14
Lepers Repel an Poor Dan Is In A Droop
Now you been listenin to my story for a long time, so I probably don't need to tell you what I do when they is nothin else to do. That's right I get to watchin tee vee again. But this time I ain't watchin all those old sitcoms. Instead I is hooked on these new realutee shows. They is this one with this British sombitch who is all the time tellin people what terrible singers they are. Then they is another show bout this heavy metal rock star who is now a complete nut an can't even work his remote control. He makes me feel like I am smart. Then, I am watchin Survivor an Fear Factor an the Amazin Race. One time I watched this show called Will and Grace. Now all the time my tee vee thinks I want to watch shows about gay people. I am just about ready to smash my tee vee screen in when I see this commercial for a new store. It is a hardware store called "I'll Repair For You." Now the commercial sounds real friendly an so I decide maybe I can just go an buy a new tee vee that don't think I'm gay.
So I went to the store on openin day an walked aroun for hours. It's amazing how much stuff they had in that store. They had trash compactors, juice extractors, toilet seats, electric heaters, an bout 27,000,000 other things. But they dint have any tee vees. What I did find, though was Leutenint Dan hisself! He was in some strange contraption to help him git aroun an account of he ain't got no legs or arms. He is bustin just to see me. We git to talkin bout everthing that happened since I left the North Pole. It turns out, Forrest 2 has got hisself all fat like I did an now he is bein Santa Claus all by hisself. Leutenint Dan decided to move with Wanda down to New Mexico on account of he heard they is a place down there where he could meet more people who is missing body parts. I am real happy for Dan an I tell him so. He ast me if he can borrow some money for some new wheels, but I tell him all I got is five dollars. Then he invites me to this party Saturday night with his new friends. Since I ain't got nothin to do except watch the gay shows my tee vee picks out for me, I saw I'll come. He says I should dress real nice on account of it is a real nice party an I might meet some nice girl there.
So I go home an try to find my very best suit. But unfortunately since I been doin nothing but watchin tee vee an collectin Pokemon cards for four years, my apartment is a big mess. They is garbage everwhere an it takes about all day just to find my nice white suit. Finally, I find it an get ready for the party, but I can't help noticin this strange smell from somewhere.
Well, when I git to the party I am very surprised because almost everone there is missin a body part. Some is missin legs an arms like Dan, but others is missin eyes, ears, noses, butts, an other things I ain't gonna talk bout. It is real gross lookin at all these people with missin parts. It kind of reminds me of that Fear Factor tee vee show. Anyhow, they has got this band at the party who is all a bunch of angry white boys. An they are up on the stage yellin an screamin bout somethin, which I don't understand cause I think the people with missin parts should be the ones upset. But then they start playin some polka music an I am very happy. I start dancin with this one girl but her foot falls off in the middle of the song. I start dancin with another girl an her eyes fall out an right down her dress. Then I turn aroun to dance with another girl an who do I see but Lisa Frump herself!
I said to Lisa, "I dint know you were a leper." An she tells me that she is not a leper, she just came to the party on account of she heard this band was playin at it. It turns out that Eddie Vedder left Lisa, an now she is a fan of this angry white boy band. For most of the party she is just starin at the band. Dan came over to me an he says I should try to win her over. I say, "What can I do? She only likes them singers." An he reminds me that I ust to be in a band with him. So I git the idea to go out on the dance floor in my white suit an sing a song to win Lisa back. I sing bout how her eyes is so blue that they look like my toilet water an bout how I love her like diarrea an bout how she's got Yugoslavian hands an do you know what? She was so impressed that she forgot all bout them angry white boys an came back to me.
I am pleased as punch, except that my suit smelt so bad from being under all that trash in my apartment that everbody at the party passed out an I had to take all the extra pizza home with me. I was eatin pizza everday, not cause I liked it but on account of I had to git rid of it. I ate so much that I got all constapaded. When Lisa came over, I was feelin kinda sick from all the pizza, but she gave me some pepto bismol an I am feelin better. I was just so happy sittin there on the couch with Lisa. Havin her an Dan an Wanda back made me so happy I is about to bust! But then, I saw somethin that changed my life forever. On Lisa's thigh they was the Gump family crest. The same one that me an Mama an Forrest 2 had. I dint understand why Lisa had that crest. So I said, "How come you got the Gump family crest on you?" An she says that it is the Frump family crest, at least that's what her dad tole her. I thought bout this for a while then I remembered Mr. Frump couldn't talk, he could just make that stupid noise. She misheard her dad all that time an her name was actually Lisa GUMP! Lisa is my cousin all along!
Well, I dint know what to do so I ast Leutenint Dan. He says maybe we could move to Alabama so I could marry my cousin. But don't think that is a good idea. I am real upset bout the whole thing, so Leutenint Dan takes me to a amusement park. We go on this roller coaster to cheer me up. Well, let me tell you! It does not cheer me up one bit on account of when we is wheelin aroun Dan rises out of his seat an gits his head knocked off! Now Leutenint Dan is just a big stump with no legs, no arms, an no head an Lisa is my cousin. I am thinkin that things can't possibly git any worse, but then I remember that Dan still owes me 5 dollars. This has got to be the worst thing that has ever happind cause I really needed that 5 dollars. I just don't know why all this bad stuff always has to happen to me, but I am thinkin maybe it is cause I am a idiot.
Well, now I ain't got noone to talk to anymore. Lisa is thinkin it is strange to be roun me an account of how we was in love an we is cousin. Dan can't talk on account of he ain't got a head. Wanda can't talk to me cause she is a pig. An I can't even call Forrest 2 on account of Santa blew up the phone lines after Larry made all them stupid phone calls to him. Also, I can't watch tee vee anymore on account of my tee vee still thinks I am gay, which I am thinkin I might as well be with my luck with women.
So, just cause I ain't got anything to do, I decide to go see a movie. It is a movie bout this kid who is in love with his neighbor an so what he does is he dresses up in spandex an starts swingin aroun like George of the Jungle. He beats up this green guy who looks like one of them Power Rangers. It is a okay movie except they has got this one line that they keep repeatin over an over. I hate when movies do that crap. An that's all I got to say bout that.
But when I was leavin the movie theater, who did I run into but Bob the Janitor hisself! I was bustin just to see somebody that I could talk to. I tell him all bout my bad luck recently. When I tell him bout how I ain't got no more money, he says, "Evil olive. Gift fig. Fleece Elf. Kayak. Lion oil. Lonely Tylenol. UFO tofu. Party booby trap. 'Peanuts Legs' is Gels' Tuna EP. Racecar. Solo gigolos. Straw warts. Taco cat. Tango gnat. Dumb mud. Bird rib. Tuna nut. A Santa at Nasa."
When I ast him what is all that crap he is talkin bout, he says it is all stuff that he sold on this computer website called "eBay." It is a place where you can take any piece of crap that you want an sell it for a bunch of money. Bob says he quit his janitor job an now he is makin all his money from sellin crap on eBay. So I decide that is a good idea. I go home an git one of the Pentium computers out of my truck, hook up the Internet, an start sellin crap. I sell the piece of snot I showed to Ricky Ricardo, a picture of me on Jeopardy, some leftover suede accordian cases, my awards from savin the planet from aliens, hamsters, an Santa, my old cable tee vee, those ugly shoes of Lisa's, signs from my old stores, like Waffle King, Lasagna Twins, and King of Suede, my Velvet Elvis picture, my Twister game, the dental floss I used to catch Seymore the Wolf, a picture of me with the Twine Ball, CDs from my old band, Nirvana, my old gun, a picture of me at Jurassic Park, my Fred Flintstone costume an car, my stupid Weezer CD, which I finally found, my "Weird Al" Yankovic CD, a picture of me at the North Pole, the spy tape I made of the Star Wars movie, my Jar Jar Binks costume, my Alternative CDs, all them extra Pentiums in my truck, all my Pokemon cards, my stupid tee vee that thinks I'm gay, my white suit which still smells on account of the garbage, an some signed pictures of the Prince an Prince of England, Ricky Ricardo, Mr. Popeil, Don Pardo, Art Fleming, Diamond Jim, Johnny Carson, Ed McMahon, Bob Saget, Ian Malcolm, John Hammond, Santa Claus, George Lucas, Rabbi Schwartz, an Jerry Springer.
I make bout a million dollars sellin all that crap an now I am happy again! Lisa is talkin to me again except now we is just friends on account of us bein cousins an all. Bob an me went into bidness together sellin crap on eBay. Leutenint Dan is learning how to git along without any body parts. Wanda is, well, I suppose Wanda is as Wanda does. She is still a pig, anyway. Even good ole Forrest 2 gits hisself a break from makin toys an decides to come visit us. We are so happy we all decide to take another one of them free trips together. This time, we go to France.
Let me say this, French people is the nicest people I ever met. They is all the time followin me aroun takin pictures an wantin my autograph. I guess they heard bout me being a table tennis champion or bout me savin the world all them times. Now I have said it afore an I'll say it again. I am a idiot. An bein a idiot is no box of chocolates. But at least I ain't led no hum-drum life. An the people in France must agree with that on account of they don't think I'm a idiot at all. They think I am a genius.
We like it so much in France, that we all just decide to stay there for a good long time. Me, Dan, Lisa, Forrest 2, Bob, an Wanda. One big happy family.
But then, one day it all changed forever. I went outside one day to git the newspaper and you wouldn't believe what I saw!
Lepers Repel an Poor Dan Is In A Droop
Now you been listenin to my story for a long time, so I probably don't need to tell you what I do when they is nothin else to do. That's right I get to watchin tee vee again. But this time I ain't watchin all those old sitcoms. Instead I is hooked on these new realutee shows. They is this one with this British sombitch who is all the time tellin people what terrible singers they are. Then they is another show bout this heavy metal rock star who is now a complete nut an can't even work his remote control. He makes me feel like I am smart. Then, I am watchin Survivor an Fear Factor an the Amazin Race. One time I watched this show called Will and Grace. Now all the time my tee vee thinks I want to watch shows about gay people. I am just about ready to smash my tee vee screen in when I see this commercial for a new store. It is a hardware store called "I'll Repair For You." Now the commercial sounds real friendly an so I decide maybe I can just go an buy a new tee vee that don't think I'm gay.
So I went to the store on openin day an walked aroun for hours. It's amazing how much stuff they had in that store. They had trash compactors, juice extractors, toilet seats, electric heaters, an bout 27,000,000 other things. But they dint have any tee vees. What I did find, though was Leutenint Dan hisself! He was in some strange contraption to help him git aroun an account of he ain't got no legs or arms. He is bustin just to see me. We git to talkin bout everthing that happened since I left the North Pole. It turns out, Forrest 2 has got hisself all fat like I did an now he is bein Santa Claus all by hisself. Leutenint Dan decided to move with Wanda down to New Mexico on account of he heard they is a place down there where he could meet more people who is missing body parts. I am real happy for Dan an I tell him so. He ast me if he can borrow some money for some new wheels, but I tell him all I got is five dollars. Then he invites me to this party Saturday night with his new friends. Since I ain't got nothin to do except watch the gay shows my tee vee picks out for me, I saw I'll come. He says I should dress real nice on account of it is a real nice party an I might meet some nice girl there.
So I go home an try to find my very best suit. But unfortunately since I been doin nothing but watchin tee vee an collectin Pokemon cards for four years, my apartment is a big mess. They is garbage everwhere an it takes about all day just to find my nice white suit. Finally, I find it an get ready for the party, but I can't help noticin this strange smell from somewhere.
Well, when I git to the party I am very surprised because almost everone there is missin a body part. Some is missin legs an arms like Dan, but others is missin eyes, ears, noses, butts, an other things I ain't gonna talk bout. It is real gross lookin at all these people with missin parts. It kind of reminds me of that Fear Factor tee vee show. Anyhow, they has got this band at the party who is all a bunch of angry white boys. An they are up on the stage yellin an screamin bout somethin, which I don't understand cause I think the people with missin parts should be the ones upset. But then they start playin some polka music an I am very happy. I start dancin with this one girl but her foot falls off in the middle of the song. I start dancin with another girl an her eyes fall out an right down her dress. Then I turn aroun to dance with another girl an who do I see but Lisa Frump herself!
I said to Lisa, "I dint know you were a leper." An she tells me that she is not a leper, she just came to the party on account of she heard this band was playin at it. It turns out that Eddie Vedder left Lisa, an now she is a fan of this angry white boy band. For most of the party she is just starin at the band. Dan came over to me an he says I should try to win her over. I say, "What can I do? She only likes them singers." An he reminds me that I ust to be in a band with him. So I git the idea to go out on the dance floor in my white suit an sing a song to win Lisa back. I sing bout how her eyes is so blue that they look like my toilet water an bout how I love her like diarrea an bout how she's got Yugoslavian hands an do you know what? She was so impressed that she forgot all bout them angry white boys an came back to me.
I am pleased as punch, except that my suit smelt so bad from being under all that trash in my apartment that everbody at the party passed out an I had to take all the extra pizza home with me. I was eatin pizza everday, not cause I liked it but on account of I had to git rid of it. I ate so much that I got all constapaded. When Lisa came over, I was feelin kinda sick from all the pizza, but she gave me some pepto bismol an I am feelin better. I was just so happy sittin there on the couch with Lisa. Havin her an Dan an Wanda back made me so happy I is about to bust! But then, I saw somethin that changed my life forever. On Lisa's thigh they was the Gump family crest. The same one that me an Mama an Forrest 2 had. I dint understand why Lisa had that crest. So I said, "How come you got the Gump family crest on you?" An she says that it is the Frump family crest, at least that's what her dad tole her. I thought bout this for a while then I remembered Mr. Frump couldn't talk, he could just make that stupid noise. She misheard her dad all that time an her name was actually Lisa GUMP! Lisa is my cousin all along!
Well, I dint know what to do so I ast Leutenint Dan. He says maybe we could move to Alabama so I could marry my cousin. But don't think that is a good idea. I am real upset bout the whole thing, so Leutenint Dan takes me to a amusement park. We go on this roller coaster to cheer me up. Well, let me tell you! It does not cheer me up one bit on account of when we is wheelin aroun Dan rises out of his seat an gits his head knocked off! Now Leutenint Dan is just a big stump with no legs, no arms, an no head an Lisa is my cousin. I am thinkin that things can't possibly git any worse, but then I remember that Dan still owes me 5 dollars. This has got to be the worst thing that has ever happind cause I really needed that 5 dollars. I just don't know why all this bad stuff always has to happen to me, but I am thinkin maybe it is cause I am a idiot.
Well, now I ain't got noone to talk to anymore. Lisa is thinkin it is strange to be roun me an account of how we was in love an we is cousin. Dan can't talk on account of he ain't got a head. Wanda can't talk to me cause she is a pig. An I can't even call Forrest 2 on account of Santa blew up the phone lines after Larry made all them stupid phone calls to him. Also, I can't watch tee vee anymore on account of my tee vee still thinks I am gay, which I am thinkin I might as well be with my luck with women.
So, just cause I ain't got anything to do, I decide to go see a movie. It is a movie bout this kid who is in love with his neighbor an so what he does is he dresses up in spandex an starts swingin aroun like George of the Jungle. He beats up this green guy who looks like one of them Power Rangers. It is a okay movie except they has got this one line that they keep repeatin over an over. I hate when movies do that crap. An that's all I got to say bout that.
But when I was leavin the movie theater, who did I run into but Bob the Janitor hisself! I was bustin just to see somebody that I could talk to. I tell him all bout my bad luck recently. When I tell him bout how I ain't got no more money, he says, "Evil olive. Gift fig. Fleece Elf. Kayak. Lion oil. Lonely Tylenol. UFO tofu. Party booby trap. 'Peanuts Legs' is Gels' Tuna EP. Racecar. Solo gigolos. Straw warts. Taco cat. Tango gnat. Dumb mud. Bird rib. Tuna nut. A Santa at Nasa."
When I ast him what is all that crap he is talkin bout, he says it is all stuff that he sold on this computer website called "eBay." It is a place where you can take any piece of crap that you want an sell it for a bunch of money. Bob says he quit his janitor job an now he is makin all his money from sellin crap on eBay. So I decide that is a good idea. I go home an git one of the Pentium computers out of my truck, hook up the Internet, an start sellin crap. I sell the piece of snot I showed to Ricky Ricardo, a picture of me on Jeopardy, some leftover suede accordian cases, my awards from savin the planet from aliens, hamsters, an Santa, my old cable tee vee, those ugly shoes of Lisa's, signs from my old stores, like Waffle King, Lasagna Twins, and King of Suede, my Velvet Elvis picture, my Twister game, the dental floss I used to catch Seymore the Wolf, a picture of me with the Twine Ball, CDs from my old band, Nirvana, my old gun, a picture of me at Jurassic Park, my Fred Flintstone costume an car, my stupid Weezer CD, which I finally found, my "Weird Al" Yankovic CD, a picture of me at the North Pole, the spy tape I made of the Star Wars movie, my Jar Jar Binks costume, my Alternative CDs, all them extra Pentiums in my truck, all my Pokemon cards, my stupid tee vee that thinks I'm gay, my white suit which still smells on account of the garbage, an some signed pictures of the Prince an Prince of England, Ricky Ricardo, Mr. Popeil, Don Pardo, Art Fleming, Diamond Jim, Johnny Carson, Ed McMahon, Bob Saget, Ian Malcolm, John Hammond, Santa Claus, George Lucas, Rabbi Schwartz, an Jerry Springer.
I make bout a million dollars sellin all that crap an now I am happy again! Lisa is talkin to me again except now we is just friends on account of us bein cousins an all. Bob an me went into bidness together sellin crap on eBay. Leutenint Dan is learning how to git along without any body parts. Wanda is, well, I suppose Wanda is as Wanda does. She is still a pig, anyway. Even good ole Forrest 2 gits hisself a break from makin toys an decides to come visit us. We are so happy we all decide to take another one of them free trips together. This time, we go to France.
Let me say this, French people is the nicest people I ever met. They is all the time followin me aroun takin pictures an wantin my autograph. I guess they heard bout me being a table tennis champion or bout me savin the world all them times. Now I have said it afore an I'll say it again. I am a idiot. An bein a idiot is no box of chocolates. But at least I ain't led no hum-drum life. An the people in France must agree with that on account of they don't think I'm a idiot at all. They think I am a genius.
We like it so much in France, that we all just decide to stay there for a good long time. Me, Dan, Lisa, Forrest 2, Bob, an Wanda. One big happy family.
But then, one day it all changed forever. I went outside one day to git the newspaper and you wouldn't believe what I saw!
