She hadn't left her room for a week since the incident when she stabbed Angel. She couldn't bring herself to leave. The others respectfully left her alone. Angel said they needed to give her time. So they did. They took turns leaving a tray of food by her door, knocking and then leaving without waiting for her to answer. They knew she was still alive by the fact that the trays would be empty when they came back later. She always ate everything. She feared hunger. After what she had been through, she equated hunger with murder. She could never be hungry. It wasn't an option.

Her sleep was filled with nightmares. Or the same nightmare. Her first kill replayed in her mind every night. She killed the girl, devoured her flesh like a vicious animal. Then she was in Sunnydale at Buffy's house. She walked into the bedroom to find Willow asleep. The girl was standing in the corner, just away from the window, hiding in the shadows. She glared at Tara, her eyes bloodshot and haunting. Tara walked over to Willow's sleeping form and pulled out a makeshift knife created from sharpened bone. The girl cast a malicious grin at Tara and nodded her head. Then Tara brought her knife down, stabbing Willow repeatedly.

And she woke up screaming.

Now she stared at the three unopened envelopes on the floor beside her. All three from Willow. The first one had arrived a couple days after she got to Los Angeles. The other two had just come recently. They had arrived days apart. She didn't want to touch them. Every time she thought about Willow she thought about how disgusted and disappointed Willow would be if she found out she had killed a human. The possibility of Willow understanding the extreme circumstances that caused it to happen didn't occur to Tara. She was disgusted with herself, so everybody else had to feel the same way. She was a killer. How could she possibly change? Plus the nightmare. Thinking about Willow made her think about that. She couldn't bear to think about that.

Her eyes were fixed on Willow's handwriting on the front of the envelopes.  She had drawn little smiley faces inside the A's in Tara's name. It was a very "Willow" thing to do, Tara thought. She slowly reached forward and picked up the first letter. She stared at it, her hands trembling as she ran her thumb over the return address.  Finally she tore the envelope open and unfolded the letter, her eyes running over Willow's familiar script.

How can I return to that, being without you?

You are a part of me, a part of my soul.

She folded the letter and looked out the window. It was late. The moon was hiding behind some clouds. It was going to rain. She could feel it coming. It would be a bad storm. She wondered if they would get it in Sunnydale.

She turned back to the letters and opened the second one. This one she was able to read with a smile. She almost laughed at the part about Willow's head exploding if she failed five classes. That was a very true statement. She was also glad that Willow was finding something to do with herself. Aside from herself and witchcraft, Tara knew school and just learning in general was a major passion of Willow's. She may have grown and evolved into the confident witch that she was now, but deep-down, Willow would always have that nerdy personality from high school. It was just another layer of the Willow Tara loved. She loved nerdy Willow and witchy Willow and weird and neurotic Willow. She loved all of Willow.

When she began reading the third letter her smile changed to a frown as she read about Willow's worry.

Are things getting worse instead of better for you? Has something happened? Are you even you anymore?

"Yes, yes and not sure," Tara muttered when she read those questions. She didn't want Willow to worry, but there was nothing she could do about that. All she could do was worry about herself.

I'm waiting. I made you a promise, and I'll keep it.

Tara read that and remembered what Lorne had said.

"She'll keep her promise. She'll wait for you."

She folded the letter again and leaned back against the wall, closing her eyes. How long would Willow have to wait? Even if she could summon up some kind of courage or something in order to leave the room, she still had so many inner demons to deal with and the possibility of being part of some big plan with the Powers That Be. Would Willow's wait be worth it? Was she even capable of being the same person Willow loved? She wasn't sure. But the more she thought about it, the more she wanted to be. She didn't want to be afraid anymore. She didn't want to rot alone in a hotel room.  She wanted to be Tara Maclay again.

Forever yours, Willow

Tara looked out the window and saw the moon poking out from behind the clouds. She picked up Willow's letters and stood. A storm was coming, but she wouldn't be afraid of it.

* * *

Hi, Willow. It's Tara.

Cordelia let me use her e-mail. I figured it would be faster than a letter and safer than a phone call. I got your letters. I had them for a while. I was afraid to open them. Don't ask why. I don't think I could explain it if I knew. Things have just been so messed up lately. Messed up and confusing and completely terrifying. Turns out this recovering stuff is a lot harder than I expected it to be. Just when you think you've got a grip on things, you see some blood, freak out and become a hermit for a week. Not the greatest start.

And you thought you were babbling.

I'm glad you're going back to school. I know how much you enjoy it. I want you to be happy. As happy as you can be. I hope you do well. I wouldn't want you to fail a class and have your head explode or anything. Ha ha.

I know you're worried, and there's nothing I can say to change that. This probably hasn't really helped it much, either. But I promise I will make it through this somehow. I'll explain as much as I can to you when I come back for Anya and Xander's wedding. There's things that I'm going through that just can't be explained through e-mail or over the phone or anything like that. I'm not even sure I can explain them in person. But I'll try.

Tell everyone I said hi and don't worry about Giles. I'm sure he's fine. He's just being Giles.

I love you more than you can possibly know.

Always, Tara

She hit the send button and stared at the computer screen, letting her mind wander. She had promised Willow she would explain, but where would she start? How could she possibly explain the murder she committed? Even though she had found enough courage to leave her room, she didn't know if she had found enough to take the next step. She wasn't even sure what the next step was. She knew she had to get control of the instinct to kill that boiled up inside of her at any given moment. But she wasn't sure if she had time for that. She had no idea what kind of plan the Powers That Be had for her. Was something going to happen soon? She hoped not. She wasn't ready for that. She wasn't sure if she was ready for anything. It had been hard enough to work up the nerve to e-mail Willow.

When she finally stood she noticed that Cordelia jumped slightly and looked up, as if she had been startled. That's when Tara realized Cordelia was nervous, and possibly frightened, being around her. She didn't blame her. After what she had done to Angel, they all had the right to be afraid. She had snapped. It could happen again. She feared that it would happen again. That's why she had emerged from her room, to keep it from happening again.

"Where is everybody?" Tara asked as she walked toward Cordelia, who put down the magazine she had been reading. Fred emerged from another room at that moment.

"Off chasing one of Cordy's visions," Fred said with a smile. "Another big nasty demon to fight."

"You have visions?" Tara asked, confused. "Because from what Willow told me about you..."

"Oh, I didn't have them before I came to LA," Cordelia explained. "Nope. The brain-splitting visions were a lovely gift from the Powers That Be a couple years ago."

"So, they've got a plan for you, too," Tara said with a smirk. It appeared that they all were part of the PTB's master plan.

"Not so much a plan as a seething hatred, I think," Cordelia joked.

"Hatred?" Tara asked, then the 'brain-splitting' comment Cordelia had made sunk in. "The visions hurt."

"Only in a 'make my ears bleed' sorta way," Cordelia said. Tara simply nodded her head. "I'm sorry about being kinda jumpy. I'm not afraid to be around you. It's just..."

"No, you're right to be afraid," Tara said. She offered a small smile. "I'm afraid to be around me."

They all remained in awkward silence for a moment until Fred decided somebody needed to say something. "So, uh, how are you doing?"

"Better, I think," Tara replied quietly. "I've done the 'lock myself in my room' thing. Thought I'd try something different."

Cordelia stood and offered a smile. "Being a hermit is highly over..."

But she stopped short and Fred immediately stepped forward to ease her fall to the floor when she noticed the tell-tale signs of a vision. Tara just watched in confusion as Cordelia grabbed her head and twisted in pain.

"Vampires," Cordelia said breathlessly as the vision ended. Fred helped her up into a chair as she continued to describe the vision. "A lot of them. Attacking a couple teenagers."

"Two visions in one night? Are the Powers trying to keep us busy?" Fred asked.

"I think they're trying to make my brain fall out of my head," Cordelia said sarcastically.

"We should call Angel," Fred said.

"He doesn't answer his cellphone," Cordelia said. "I don't even know why he has it."

"We could call Wesley or Charles," Fred said.

"There's no time for that," Cordelia said. She stood shakily and headed over to the weapons cabinet. "We'll have to go."

"Us? We can't fight a bunch of vampires," Fred said in alarm.

"Well, we can't let those kids become vamp food either," Cordelia said.

"Are you sure you can handle that?" Tara asked, observing how pale Cordelia looked. "You look like you're going to throw up."

"I'll be fine by the time we get there," Cordelia said. She grabbed a battleaxe with a pointed wooden handle and held it out to Tara, who looked alarmed at what she was suggesting. "You're our best bet of getting those kids out of there."

"I-I don't think..." Tara trailed off. She wasn't ready for a fight. She could lose control again. It was almost a certainty as far as she believed. But she couldn't let Fred and Cordelia go alone. No matter how determined Cordelia was to save the teenagers in her vision, she and Fred would certainly die trying. She couldn't let that happen, no matter what. She took the axe and nodded her head.

"Fred, you drive," Cordelia said. Fred grabbed the keys to Gunn's truck and the three of them headed out of the hotel, determined to stop Cordelia's vision.

* * *

When they arrived to the location, Cordelia took command of the group. "Fred, you get the kids out. Tara and I will distract the vamps. If we can't dust them, hopefully we can hold them off long enough to get the hell out of here."

They were in a dark alley. So far there was no sign of the vampires. Fred stopped the truck when Cordelia signalled for her to do so. Then the three of them climbed out. Fred left the headlights on. Soon a teenage girl and boy came running around the corner. They stopped short when two vampires jumped down from the fire escape of one of the buildings, landing directly between the teens and the three women there to save them. Three more vampires were behind the teens. The vampires' frightened prey huddled together. But then all the vampires looked startled as an arrow punched through the chest of one of their own. He quickly turned to dust and they all turned to see Cordelia standing there with the crossbow.

"Anybody else want to fit in an ash tray?" she asked with a smirk.

"Oh look, it's Charlie's Angels," one of the vampires said with a sinister grin.

Then he and his compatriots leapt through the air toward the three women. The battle began and soon the vampires saw their efforts needed to be concentrated on Tara, who was a lot stronger than she looked. Three of the vampires fought with her while the fourth fought with Cordelia. The plan had worked well enough. Fred hurried over to the teens and got them into the truck. Then she went to help Cordelia.

The vampire was using the crossbow to pin Cordelia's arms to her side as he moved in to bite her neck. He stopped when a baseball bat whacked him across the head. He looked over to see Fred on the other end of that bat, looking both courageous and frightened at the same time, if that was possible. It distracted him long enough for Cordelia to twist out of his grasp and kick him in the stomach. Then she and Fred charged the vamp, grabbing his arms and pushing him backward with all of their strength until they impaled him on one of the sharpened wooden planks attached to the hood of the truck. He disintegrated into dust and they took a brief moment to catch their breath before they turned to help Tara.

Cordelia had to jump out of the way when one of the three remaining vampires flew backward and disappeared as the other wooden plank turned him to dust. She and Fred were amazed to find that Tara didn't appear to need any help. She ran up the brick wall of one of the buildings a couple feet before she pushed herself off the wall and did a spin kick, catching both vampires across the jaw. She swung at one of the vampires with the axe but he ducked out of the way and grabbed the axe, pulling it from her hands. The second vampire grabbed her from behind, pinning her arms down. She jumped, kicking the vampire with the axe in the chest and using that as momentum to flip over the vampire behind her. He turned just in time to see as she shoved a stake in his chest. The other vampire swung at her with the axe, but she easily took it away from him. She cross-checked him across the chest, knocking him to the ground. Then she knelt down, thrusting the pointed wooden handle of the axe into his heart. The last vampire was nothing but a dusty layer on the ground in the alley.

Tara didn't move from her kneeling position. She gripped the handle of the axe tightly, her eyes closed as she tried to get a hold of herself. The fight had done exactly what she had expected it to do. It caused the animal instincts to resurface. She heard a couple footsteps and knew Cordelia and Fred were approaching her.

"Stay back," she said, not wanting to hurt them. She was on the edge between keeping control and losing it. She didn't even open her eyes to see their reactions to her warning. She was breathing heavily, the adrenaline rushing and her blood boiling with the urge to kill. She trembled from the frenzy she felt rising within herself.

"Tara?" Fred asked, concerned that something bad was about to happen.

"I said stay back!" Tara shouted harshly. Her voice resonated in the alley and the brick walls of the buildings behind her exploded as her magical powers surged outward. Cordelia and Fred were thrown off their feet as bricks littered the alleyway and dust showered down on them. They coughed and waved the dust away from their faces as they looked over to Tara. Her position hadn't changed. They stood and looked back to the truck to find the two teens staring fearfully through the windshield. Tara didn't move for several minutes. So they waited.

Finally after at least ten minutes she lifted her head and looked at them, an expression of exhaustion on her face. She stood, dragged the axe as she walked and then let it drop by Cordelia's feet. Without a word she walked past them and climbed into the back of the truck, sitting in the back corner of the truck bed and hugging her legs to her chest. Fred and Cordelia watched all this in awe and confusion. But then they remembered the teens sitting in the truck and knew they had to get back to the hotel. They had a lot of explaining to do.