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Sings (To the tune of Paul Simon's "I Know What I Know"):
I Own what I Own,
I'll Sing what I Said;
Don't Bitch and Don't Moan,
Or a Mallet will be
Introduced to Your Head!
Whoop! Whoop! Whoop! Whoop!

Slayers: The Starbird Chronicles

Chapter 4: Back at the Kale Inn

The three travelers sat at the inn's table, Lina eating massive quantities of sausage, Naga drinking massive amounts of Root Beer in a dedicated (but misguided) effort to get drunk (Lina hadn't thought to tell her it was non-alcoholic, and Starbird wanted her sober), and Starbird doing a remarkable job of keeping Lina's fork off his plate and Naga's hands off his glass.

"So anyway," Lina said, her mouth half full, "you said something about a 'situation of interest' in my 'area of expertise'?"

"Yes," replied the mysterious man, brows furrowed in concern. "It Involves the Mazoku. You know, of course, that there are five 'High-Rank' Mazoku on our world, who serve Ruby-Eye Shabranigdo, the Dark Lord of our world, directly – Or rather, there were, before you destroyed Chaos Dragon Gaav and Hellmaster Phibrizzo."

"You did what?!" Naga nearly spat a mouthful of sausage across the table, though she fortunately avoided it.

"Well, I had help," Lina replied, with uncharacteristic modesty, "and Phibrizzo finished Gaav off. I just wounded him."

"What else have you been doing these last two years?" The dark-haired woman looked accusingly at her petite, redheaded former traveling partner.

"Let's see... I found a shard of the Sorceror's Stone, defeated a fragment of Shabranigdo and the resurrected Zanaffar, found the True Claire Bible, got possessed by the Lord of Nightmares - That's how Phibrizzo got killed..."

"That's it! I'm never leaving you again! You go and get into all these great Adventures, with ludicrous opportunities to get treasure, with no thought whatsoever to your closest companion and greatest rival!"

"You're not my greatest rival, and you're certainly not my closest companion! You're just a useless..."

"Girls, girls... calm down, please. You can finish catching up later - Though if it's going to go like this, I don't recommend it. Now, as I was saying before that side trip to Recap City, There were Five High-Rank Mazoku before Lina destroyed two of them. The remaining three are Greater Beast Zelas-Metallium, also known as the Beastmaster; Deep Sea Dolphin, Lord of the Oceans and Seas, and Dynast Grauscherra, Dark Lord of Ice and Storms. That last is the one we're concerned with, for two reasons. First, of the five, Phibrizzo was the strongest; Gaav was second, at least before he got sealed in a human body. Therefore, there is now a huge power vacuum, and the other three are moving to get what power and influence they can before a replacement appears. Dynast Grauscherra is the one who is having the most success, having already gotten a lot of what Gaav lost a thousand years ago, so he is now the most powerful of the three remaining lords. The second reason is more complicated. While it is widely known, whether true or not, that Dolphin is, well, completely bonkers, it's almost totally unknown that Dynast Grauscherra has a severe split personality. The one who is normally in control refers to himself as 'The Dynast,' or just 'Dynast' as a name, and is cold and calculating; he is the 'Dark Lord with the Frozen Soul.' However, there's another personality under the surface. It calls itself Grauscherra, and is the embodiment of the more... violent tendencies associated with the nature of the Storm. Recently, Grauscherra has been becoming more and more dominant; since he started absorbing Phibrizzo's ant the remainder of Gaav's power, it's gotten much worse. The Sea of the North is now perpetually stormy; it's gotten so bad that the scouts I use to keep tabs on the North report that it's now unsafe to cross without serious magic protection." Starbird paused for breath, but Lina interrupted him.

"So you want to take him out, and you need my help."

"Er... Depends on what you mean by 'take him out.' I don't want to totally destroy him; I'm rather attached to Dynast Brass and Dynast Breath, so that would be bad. I mean, Imagine if you defeated the final piece of Ruby Eye - How would you feel if you couldn't cast the Dragu Slave? What I do want to do is take a big chunk out of his power and revert him to the Dynast we know better and loathe less. On the other hand, it might be a good thing that I want to preserve him, as, by all indications, he's now even more powerful than Gaav, and possibly even more than Phibrizzo."

"Ooh. I can see why you wanted to test my strength; those two were nasty enough."

"Right." He bowed his head. "Of course, knowing that..."

"You must be out of your mind," Lina interjected, causing Starbird to hang his head.

"At least, that's what I'd like to say. But there's no way I'm letting any demon get away with terrorizing an entire sea."

"Really?" He looked up, and saw the fire in Lina's eyes.

"Really. Well, that and the fact that there's a whole new land to be pillaged-I mean, explored. And I'm always looking for ways to test my strength. When do we leave?"

"Er, I was thinking tomorrow morning, if you don't mind."

"Great! Now, let's get some more food to celebrate the deal! Oi, Waiter!" She heard a chuckle from Starbird, and turned to him. "What?"

"Nothing. You really are as crazy as the rumors say, Lina Inverse... and I mean that in the best possible way." The young man turned to Naga as Lina turned to the arrived waiter to order.

Naga seemed, against all reason, to have succeeded in getting drunk on root beer (Her face was flushed, her eyes hooded; those are the usual signs), and wobbled a bit as Starbird spoke to her.

"No one will think badly of you if you choose not to come. I know that's clichéd, but I'd recommend you seriously consider staying back." He moved his arm as the waiter delivered another platter of food to the table.

"Didn't you hear me, silly man? I said I'm never leaving Lina again, and I meant it." She leaned over and stared at him with half-closed eyes. "Got it?"

"Well, if you're sure..." he stopped speaking as Naga fell face first into the plate of sausages, snoring. "Umm... I think I'll take lady Naga to her room..."

"Go 'Heh, Aw' bee Fahm..."

"You shouldn't talk with your mouth full, Miss Lina. It detracts from your charm." With that, he hoisted the pseudo-drunk sorceress onto his back, piggyback style, and disappeared out the door. Lina heard the clunk of his steps on the stairs, but they faded quickly. He returned, much more quietly, a few minutes later; he looked rather relieved as he sat down across from his prospective companion, who had finished her meal in the interval.

"If she's going to be coming with us, I need to ask you a few questions about her," he said, looking a little discomfited at the situation. "First, how is she as a magician? Honestly, I mean; I don't buy 'useless,' and I need some details." He seemed a little anxious as he listened to Lina's reply.

"Hmm. I've never really thought about it, actually. She likes coming up with experimental spells and variants; She's actually the one who created Bogardic Elm." Lina glanced at him to see his reaction.

"Really?" He brightened significantly. "Impressive... maybe we'll be all right after all."

"No, Bogardic Elm's the only one that really works. The rest of them - Mega Vraimer, Freeze Rain, Guy La Douger and Gu Lu Douger - they all go off, but she can't control them. I guess that pretty much sums it up: she's got a decent amount of power, but very little, or at least insufficient, control. She says her specialty is summoning magic, but those are the spells that usually go wrong; the thing she's actually best at is Ice-based Water Shamanism, like Freeze Arrow and Icicle Lance."

"Uh-huh. I suppose I can teach her enough to build on her strengths."

"She also has no tactical sense at all when it comes to fighting. She actually uses Zelas Gort and Kyu Kyum Spin in serious combat, like she expects them to do damage."

"Ugh. Have you ever seen her use that Longsword she carries?" By this point, he was doodling on the table with his finger in a combination of annoyance and despair.

"Not really, no. Not that I blame her; I mean, she generally faints at the sight of blood."

"Oh, fun. Well, at least there're some spells I can try to teach her."

"Also, she's got a major Ego problem."

"Oh, joy." He looked up, trying to appear at ease (but not quite succeeding). "Anyway, you've answered all my other questions. Do you have any for me?"

"You bet I do. You seem to be concerned with our skills, but what about you? What skills do you bring to the party?"

"I like to think I'm pretty good with magic; I'd say you and I are about equally talented. I don't really specialize in any one type of magic, but I've never had a real problem casting a spell once I'd learned it." The sorcerer wore a lopsided grin that suggested that he knew they both understood he was leaving some things unsaid. "As far as swords go, I think I'm competent, but without my magic, I wouldn't stand a chance against any skilled swordsman." Lina nodded at the explanation.

"I see. Second, why do you need my help, and my help alone?"

"I need your help because Grauscherra is extremely powerful and it will most likely require magic from Shabranigdo or the Lord of Nightmares to hurt him. Most of your friends would be dead weight, since they can't use that kind of Magic; worse, since we'd have to protect them. Also, I'd really prefer Xellos didn't know about this mission, since, powerful though he may be, he's as likely to interfere as to help. I'd really rather Naga wasn't coming, either, but the way you talk about her, it sounds like it's no use trying to shake her off."

"Yeah, even a Dragu Slave won't keep Naga away."

"Uh... Seriously?"

"I kid you not. Gods know I've tried."

"Yeesh. That sounds nasty."

"Yeah, I guess. Third, about your plans. What are we going to do now, and where are we going next?"
"Well, we have that room in the inn for as long as we need it, which is just until tomorrow; you and Naga will sleep there, if you don't object. I'll be nearby. Tomorrow, we depart for the north coast, where one of my men is searching for a ship that will take us across the sea to the Northern Lands. It shouldn't take more than a week, and then we're on the way. Does that sound okay to you?"

"Sure, I guess."

"In that case, let's go see if we can't get Naga up. We've got some shopping to do before tomorrow!"

Author's Note: It seems it's been two months since I updated; sorry it took so long. I have a few chapters written in advance, and now that school's out, I should have more time for typing them. However, I've hit a slow spot in the writing, and I don't want to burn up my entire buffer, so I'm not going to be posting them all at once.

Here's a Shout Out to Mossygirl, who emailed me about the story's progress and gave me a little motivation to crank this out: Thanks for Caring about the story.

And here's a Shout Out to everyone else: Barely anyone's reviewing this story, and that doesn't give me motivation. Please, Review. I like reviews! If it helps motivate people, I try to return reviews in kind! Please, don't make me beg!

1) The Sorceror's Stone: While it's one of the few things in the Harry Potter books that really rub me the wrong way (another is making the Basilisk a giant snake when it's supposed to be a dog-sized, eight-legged lizard... but I digress), I got some good use out of this: In this writing, the mystical stone that amplifies Magic Power is the Sorceror's Stone. The Philosopher's Stone would be a separate thing that transmutes base metals into gold and produces the Elixir of Life (Though it too, if it exists in the Slayers World, is probably made of part of the Staff of the Gods).

2) Naga: I don't know if Naga ever used her sword in any of the media in which she was featured, nor do I know if Lina ever Dragu-Slaved her. I'm assuming she never used the sword memorably and that if Lina never Dragu-Slaved her onscreen, as it were, it happened sometime between episodes/chapters. I do know Naga can take a lot of abuse, though, as does anyone else who's read the Slayers: Special manga.

3) Update: I've now watched Slayers: Try, and in the first episode, there's a map of the entire hemisphere in which the Slayers Stories take place. Among other things, this map reveals the location of Xoana. With this knowledge, a few revisions will be made to earlier chapters reflecting a change in the story's route. I also figured out what Starbird's sword really is. Look for these changes when Chapter Five is posted.

Next Chapter: A Romantic Interlude? Not exactly, but an Interlude Nonetheless.
                                                           OR
I Really Don't Need Gourry/Lina Fans Attacking Me I Know They're Meant To Be Together And Starbird Has Terrible Luck With Relationships Anyway So I'm Not Even Going There!

EXTRA

Or, Stuff You Wish Was On the DVDs

The Starbird Chronicles: Meanwhile...

This EXTRA is a one-shot (unless I forget someone) which gives a brief account of what the other Slayers are up to during the Story.

-Zelgadis Greywords: Mere days after leaving Martina's wedding, Zelgadis caught word of a Secret Laboratory  set up by Rezo in Southern Elmekia; This led him to abandon the group and go there in hope of finding a Cure for his Condition.

-Amelia wil Tesla Saillune: Amelia followed Zelgadis to the Secret Lab, much to his (outward) chagrin; after they finished there (the mission obviously unsuccessful, as Zel's still a Chimera in Try), Zelgadis escorted her back to Saillune City, then went off on his own for a while.  

-Sylphiel nels Rada: After traveling with the group for a while, Sylphiel decided to return to the Greater Sairaag area in response to a message that a healer was needed among the citizens who had relocated after the first destruction of the city by Copy Rezo and Zanaffar.

-Gourry Gabriev: Believing Sylphiel needed protection more than Lina, and with Lina's (Grudging) permission, Gourry decided to accompany Sylphiel to Sairaag. Once there, he stayed and waited for Lina as per agreement (and to Lina's amazement when she found he'd remembered to stay put).

-Martina mel Navratilova Xoana: Now the Reigning Queen of Xoana, Martina's first act was to have the Kingdom's Sages and Sorcerors place a gated magical barrier around the Kingdom to prevent unwanted interference with the reconstruction (Actually, that's just the first serious act, or at least the first one anyone took seriously. The first several involved Dress Codes and Worshipping Zoamelgustar).

-Zangulus al Rey Xoana (Name he took after marriage; Zangulus, his family Name, was the only one he had before): Adjusting to being King of Xoana and Martina's Husband (one might wonder which of the two was harder), Zangulus mostly let Martina take control, since resistance would be useless anyway. He takes advantage of the Royal Prerogative to take hunting trips as often as possible, not because he enjoys Hunting, but to get out of the castle.*

-Moros al Krile Xoana (Making up middle names is fun!): Retired to a quiet village without telling Martina where he'd be, in hopes she wouldn't try to contact him. That way, he could finally escape from her constant complaining ("DADDY! How dare you leave the kingdom to me in this pathetic shape!").

-Elias Vrumugun (First names too, though this one is actually based on Elishel/Erisiel, the real name of the real Vrumugun in the Novels, who also just happens to be Eris): He also settled down in Xoana, Helped on the Barrier, and Helps Zangulus get out occasionally. He spends the rest of his time tracking down his remaining copies and deactivating them.

-Xellos (He only uses Metallium when he needs a last name): He reports back to Zelas-Metallium about the whole Hellmaster fiasco, after which he splits his time between Wolfpack Island and the Demon King of the North, with whom he's on friendly terms (That's who he got the Demon's Blood Talismans from, after all). He also pops in to annoy Zelgadis at least once.

-Philionel el Di Saillune: Prince Phil spends the whole interval working on policy changes due to the disappearance of the Mazoku's Barrier (The physical part, anyway; the God-Sealing Field was actually just weakened). This eventually leads to him calling a congress of Nations, which takes place during the first episode of Try. He is also very relieved when Amelia returns home from her traveling.

*Until the Capital of Xoana is rebuilt, they're ruling from what amounts to the summer palace, which is kinda in a forest in the middle of nowhere.