Disclaimer: I own Slayers, but only on Opposite Day.

Slayers: The Starbird Chronicles

Chapter 7: The Next Morning, in the Crater

It turns out that Naga, when she isn't drunk or hung-over, is an early riser. So, since there hadn't been any booze available after the fight with Keller, she was the first one up the next morning. She walked to the edge of the clearing carrying her stuff, intending to get dressed and the like. However, no sooner had she stepped out of the circle of protection (which, as those who are keeping track will recall, she did not know about, having already been asleep when it was put up), than her body was enveloped by a slightly slimy, pliable substance that was nonetheless too tight and firm to escape from, as her struggles revealed. She opened her mouth to scream, but choked on the horrendous smell the substance exuded; it covered her mouth before she got a second chance. Suddenly, the stuff started moving at a rapid pace. Naga's last thought before she fainted was that texture of the mass felt vaguely like tofu.

It was two hours later when the other two travelers awoke to find Naga's sleeping bag and other bags gone - along with the woman herself, of course. They waited for her to get back for all the time it took Lina to get changed (on opposite sides of a hastily-erected barrier made from the sleeping bags) and pack up their stuff. Since this took over half an hour (most of which was spent trying to keep the barrier up), they were a bit worried that she had not yet returned.

"This just isn't like her," Lina said. "Normally, she doesn't give me a moment's peace." She thought for a few moments. "Of course, she usually drinks herself to sleep and is too hung-over to get up before I do..."

"They're faint, but her footprints are here," Starbird replied, following a line from a few feet away to the edge of the crater. "They disappear just outside the circle of protection, though I don't think she took off. There's no wind-scuffing."

 "We should probably search the area; there's no knowing what that silly idiot's gotten herself into. You take that side," Lina sighed, pointing in the general direction of where Starbird already was. "I should have known she'd be too much trouble..." she muttered, walking off in the direction opposite the one she had indicated.

Starbird stuck his sword into the groove of the enchantment and muttered an incantation to reabsorb the magic. That done, he walked into the woods, extending his senses to search for the unaccounted-for sorceress. However, he had only searched for a few minutes when he heard a sharp shout from the direction in which Lina had headed. He rushed toward the sound, cutting across the crater and out the other side. He only got a few dozen steps on the other side before he was struck hard in the back by a heavy mass that reeked of rancid tofu.

"What the hell..." the mass pinned him to the ground, but he could look up and see Lina, held in the presumed arm of a truly massive, vaguely humanoid form that glistened white in the sunlight. The form's other arm is what held him down, and its smell was starting to get to him; he could see mold growing on it. Lina had apparently already succumbed to the fumes, as her head lolled in near-unconsciousness, mouth covered, nose nearly buried in the spoiled tofu from which their assailant was, apparently, made. It picked him up, and started moving at a rapid pace into the forest before he gave in to the lack of breathable air.

Fresh air assaulted Lina's nostrils, and she found herself flying through the air. She landed before she could panic; fortunate, as she landed on a pile of literally thousands of picked flowers that a panic would probably have caused her to miss. Starbird wasn't as lucky; a misguided attempt at a Levitation spell caused him to overshoot the pile and land rather harder on the floor of the cave into which they had been thrown. Lina got up to help him over to the pile, but by the time she got him there, their abductor had already rolled a large rock into place, blocking the entrance of the cave. It fit well enough that only a little bit of light could get in around the edges, and no one could get out without blasting it; and even Lina knew better than to cause an explosion in a cave when you don't know how solid the roof is (unless it's really an emergency). By this dim light, she could see the third occupant of the cave in the middle of a pile of bottles that were most likely full the night before; of course, the volume of the snores coming from that direction made vision largely unnecessary.

"Well, we found Naga, at least," Starbird remarked.

"We got found by the same thing as Naga, you mean," Retorted Lina.

"Yeah, whatever." Starbird was still prodding various areas of his back and side, trying to determine if he was injured or just shaken up by the landing, and not paying much attention to Lina.

"...Any idea where we are?" Lina asked, lying back on the pile.

"Well, we're definitely in a cave, but beyond that, I ran out of air before I got a good sense of what direction that golem was taking us."

"That thing was a golem? I thought it was a giant slime or something... Who do you think sent it? Keller?"

"Not him. Keller used dragons; a guy who uses dragons might use a golem made of stone or clay, but he'd more likely use an armor golem, or one made out of metal or crystal. Never tofu.

"So the smell was just spoiled tofu?"

"Yes. Anyway a guy who would make a golem out of tofu wouldn't use dragons. He'd use an army of plush dolls, or a fleet of heavy-armor assault penguins or something."

"So we're dealing with a certified loony?"

"Yeah, that pretty much sums it up."

"Well, at least Naga's happy." Lina pointed in the direction of the other sorceress, who still slept, chest rising and falling with each breath, a smile... plastered... on her face.

"Yeah, but I don't envy her the headache she'll have when she wakes up."

"So, we're captured by a tofu golem, tossed in a cave, and sealed in. What happens next?" The fiery sorceress's question was answered when the boulder blocking the door suddenly became translucent, then slumped to the ground just like a too-large block of gelatin (for a reason that will be quite obvious to anyone who has read the previous chapters), revealing a rather short sorceror in a tall, pointy hat and robes that hid his build, all in an eye-hurting yellow, green, and orange paisley pattern.

"Where could that stupid thing be?" the garishly-attired magic user asked, rhetorically, in a voice that sounded mad in both senses of the word. "How could I not notice it...?"

"Oi! Who're you?" Starbird's question seemed to bring the man back in touch with reality.

"Oh, great. People."

"Well that's certainly a pleasant greeting," the flame-haired sorceress growled, matching ball of energy in hand.

The man blinked as if totally oblivious to his mortal peril. "Oh, no, not at all... hey, you're probably going to think I'm weird for this..."
"For this? What about the robes and the gelatin trick?" Lina, of course.

"but, have you two seen a golem around here? Made of Tofu? Probably spoiled?"

"Oh, yeah... I might have seen it, in fact, I think it ambushed me and my companions and chucked us headlong into a cave!" Starbird was clearly annoyed. In fact, incensed might be a better word.

"Oh, dear." Suddenly the three conscious people heard the approach of heavy footsteps; the newcomer ran out of the cave, and the other two heard his voice, punctuated by damp wheezes from the construct he clearly addressed. "Soya, what have you got now? Is that a wheelbarrow? Put it down this instant!" There was a loud crash at this point, presumably from a wheelbarrow hitting the ground after being dropped from a height Starbird estimated at 25 feet (i.e., the golem's shoulders). "Come here," the sorcerer's voice said, and Starbird noticed the twitch inside that magic was being performed. "There, all clean. Now, go back to the tower and wait until I get there to do anything. Got it?" The only reply was the sound of the golem's heavy footsteps retracing their path away from the cave. The man with the wacky robe returned, wringing the hat in his hands and revealing his platinum-blond hair. "Sorry about that. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Lewis Gable, the Great Mage."

"Great mage? I thought they were given colors." This from Lina Inverse, alias Lina the Pink (but never to her face, unless you want to die).

"Well, the council didn't agree unanimously on whether my achievements - Soya, there, was my masterwork - qualified me for the role, so they gave me a pattern instead. I'm Gable the Paisley."

"Aren't you the one they call Lew the mad? The one who invented the chatterbox curse?" the paisley-patterned personage winced at Starbird's comment, and when he spoke, it was in a wounded voice.

"How did you know about that?"

"I ran into someone who was constantly running at the mouth, and he was all too pleased to tell the story of how Lew the mad had ruined his life by cursing him to never be able to stop talking."

"Ah, well, you seem to know me; who might you be?"

""He's Starbird, the Bimbo in the bottles is Naga the Serpent, and I'm Lina Inverse." As soon as the words left Lina's mouth, she regretted them. Gable's eyes grew large and sparkly, and he spoke with a dreamy tone in his voice.

"The Lina Inverse? The Goddess of Destruction? The One-That-Dragons-Will-Straddle-Rather-Than-Tread-Upon? Why, you must come to my tower for tea!" then, aside: "Granted, she's not as tall or well-built as I expOUCH! What was that for?"

"Rule Number one in dealing with me: Don't mention anything about me that is smaller - or bigger - than usual. Normally, I expect people to figure it out by themselves, but I can make an exception just this once, on account of terminal obliviousness. Now, where is this tower?"

"Quite a ways north, but it's only a couple hours by flying tablecloth!" He pulled out a rather frayed linen tablecloth from his pack.

"That thing flies?" Lina said, dubious.

"Oh, yes." Lina didn't put set great stock by the eccentric sage's word, but Starbird's look was clearly one of 'what have we got to lose,' and the idea of rapid travel in approximately the right direction for free did have its appeal, as did the promised free meal, even if it was with a rabid fanboy(TM). So, the adventurers got their stuff together (including Naga) and arranged themselves on the tablecloth. Surprisingly, it lifted off without a hitch, and they set off for Gable's tower.

The four mages sat around the table in the dining room of Gable's tower, Naga sipping something Gable had said would help her with her (massive) hangover, the others drinking Tea and nibbling on chocolate chunks. Okay, so Lina was stuffing her face. Call it artistic license. Or whatever.

"So, why do they call you Lew the Mad?" Lina asked, around a mouthful of chocolate.

"Well, it's a lot like why the council wouldn't give me a color title - my inventions are just so unorthodox, people have a hard time taking them - and, by connection, me - seriously." The host was apparently something closer to sane after returning to the tower to find the Golem waiting patiently outside the door (somehow; they'd been going quite fast), and everything else in the proper place (he'd checked twice). Naturally, this made him easier to talk to.

"What sort of things?" Starbird inquired. "I mean, besides the chatterbox curse."

"Er, I actually count that as a failure. It was supposed to be a truth charm combined with a compulsion-to-speak, but the 'truth' bit got lost in there somewhere. Let's see... there's also the Never-Empty Burrito Bag; the Tofu Golem, of course; the One-Shot Transformation Masks, the Beautifier Shadow Reflector; and the magical armor."

"How do they object to magical armor?" Naga groaned.

"They said it didn't fit the standards of appearance."

"Eh?"

"The best ones look like underwear."

"Ah."

"Women's underwear."

"Aha." Naga returned to silence, nursing her abused head.

"Hey, Gable!" Lina intoned.
"It's-not-my-fault-really-I-swear-to-the-gods-I'm-not-a-pervert-I-tried-and-tried-and-tried-but-I-couldn't-make-the-enchantment-stick-to-anything-but-lace-and-making-it-bigger-would-have-taken-way-too-much-power!"

"Relax; I was just going to ask if you had anything else to eat."

"Oh. Sorry, all I've got are some pickles and a little cottage cheese."

"Ew. What's up with that?" Even omnivorous redheads have their limits.

"See, this is what I mean!" Gable started, raising his voice. "Everybody say's I'm mad, because I make odd things! Hell, that's not mad! My wife is freaking mad! Every day for twelve years, she's made my lunch, and every day, it's pickles, tofu, and chocolate, with the occasional bit of cottage cheese on the side! I'm freaking allergic to tofu! I made the golem because there was twelve years' worth of tofu going bad in the storeroom! It was practically sentient on its own! I barely did more than give it a Shape! Giving your Boyfriend and Fiancé and Husband food he can't eat for lunch every day since you started dating - now that's insane! Gable had built up to screaming at the top of his lungs, and now seemed burned out; he didn't even notice Lina's sigh of relief at the mention of a wife. "So, yeah. Soya went missing two weeks ago, about; I was working on a project and I must have sent it out to get something it couldn't find. Or maybe it just wandered off, I don't know. Anyways, I was so wrapped up in my work that I didn't even notice it was missing until Mayjay pointed it out, so I know I have to get it back. So, I go out to find it. And I find you three - I have to apologize, the big guy's useful around the tower, but brains aren't exactly its strong suit."

"Hey, you've mentioned a wife twice, but I haven't seen anyone else around," the younger man mentioned.

"She's at home. She insists on not living too close to my experiments, on account of the high magic levels. So, I fly in every morning from our house, which is a couple miles southeast of here. By the way, you're welcome to sty here as long as you like; I know no one who hangs around with Lina Inverse is afraid of high levels of magic."

"Um, thanks; I don't think we'll stay longer than tonight. Why is it you wanted me here?" The puzzled Lina asked.

"Why, so I can say I've visited with the Legendary Lina Inverse, of course! Hmm... If you leave tomorrow morning… I'll have a tablecloth and some supplies left out for you."

"Deal," said Lina and Starbird.

"Ungh," said Naga.

Author's Note: Wow, it's been a long time. I got absolutely nothing done over summer vacation, or in the first month of school. Thus, it is only now that this chapter is brought to you, the, ahem, adoring public. Worse yet, I have no good excuse for not writing; no one died, and I didn't have any major obligations. I guess, aside from not wanting to run out of story, I was just being Lazy. Luckily, I've actually written out another chapter and got a good start on a further one since I last posted, so it should be a bit quicker this time. Also, I'm very glad that at least one person besides Mossygirl took the time to review the last chapter. And so, gentle reader, let us all follow the example of Mossygirl and Sherra-sama and leave reviews to assuage the torment in the author's soul. No, seriously, please review.

1) That mouthful Gable spouted to Lina ("The One-That-Dragons-Will-Straddle-Rather-Than-Tread-Upon") is a loose translation of what I think Dora-mata or Dra-mata (translated as "Dragon Spooker" in the Anime) is based on. Specifically, something along the lines of "Doragon wa Fumu yori Mushiro Matagu no Hito," literally "One who a dragon will straddle rather than trample," where "Dora" is from "Doragon" (Dragon, Duh), and "Mata" is from "Matagu" (To straddle), with "Fumu" (To trample), "Yori Mushiro" (Rather than) and "no Hito" (One who, roughly) added for taste. Anyone with better Japanese grammar than me and/or who knows exactly what was said in the quote to that effect in the first episode of the first season, please contact me through email or review.

2) I know everyone knows the "Smaller" things one isn't supposed to mention about Lina (Bust and Height), But what, you might ask, are the "Bigger" things? Well, there are about two and a half: eyes, forehead, and appetite (Which only counts as half, since she doesn't mind it being mentioned most of the time.

3) I don't know what age you pictured Gable as, and I know I didn't mention it, but he's 24. Yes, he started dating his current wife at the age of twelve. He proposed at sixteen, and married her a year later. (She's one year older than he is, so she was eighteen when they married). By the way, her name is Maria Jeanine Lockheart-Gable, but he calls her Mayjay. In case you were wondering. Also, she's not as bad as he might make her sound; she's quite unaware he's allergic to soy, and that he doesn't like the lunches. He never told her.

4) I don't actually know what tofu smells like as it goes bad, but I assumed it wasn't good. Am I wrong?

5) If you hadn't figured it out, this story is now entering the "traveling stage" that all true Slayers stories (By which I mean "All three seasons of the Anime") go through. Thus, stuff will happen that's not entirely related to the plot. Like this whole Gable thing. Speaking of Gable, when I promise a crazy NPC, I sure do deliver, huh?

Next Chapter: While the Mages travel, the dedicated servant is hard at work. What? You haven't forgotten about Dulak already, have you?